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Old 04-02-2010, 10:22 PM
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Its laughable

Went two weeks sober felt great , had hobbies and interests again. Felt smart and in control . Went to watch some fights at a bar with a friend and why not lets have a beer. Been drunk every day since then. Not only drunk but depressed since that is the normal reaction to a downer. Quitting to me seems almost impossible at this point . I am an open minded person who loves to have fun . I love pushing the limits , i love emotion. I love the stability of sobriety and the healthy benefits and just the knowing its best for me . But the passion in me fades when I dont challenge myself . I cant stand living a life without pushing my limits. I love using my brain and making everyday powerful. Alcohol forces that . It can make an average day have meaning. I love meaning and passion . Will I ever choose the boredom of sober life when I know the excitement can be had/ Especially alone. I can committ to someone else and divert my passionate needs to them . I love making others happy, I feel smart and understanding . They say get yourself under control before trying to help others. Helping myself is so much harder than the others. I am not ready I know , but i feel so alone, Nobody said life would be easy I guess
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:38 PM
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I have a great challenge for you: Try sober living! If you do it one day at a time you will love it. It's not boring to be alive! Good Luck!
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:46 PM
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Welcome back Timedrain,

I am new, only 6 days sober. Your story sounds a little like me. I have always been the fun one, ready to laugh, always helping others, out there, great in a crisis, front line, etc. Hey, I made a living at this for 33 years! It was exciting, I was helping the world, but in the end it left me nothing, just PTSD, alcohol and a certificate of appreciation.

You are not alone, quitting is not impossible, you have come to the right place. Read the posts, they have helped me tremendously. Share your feelings, post all you want, someone is always there to share.

Life isn’t easy, but we can make it more tolerable by being sober.

Good luck.
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Old 04-02-2010, 10:52 PM
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Hi TimeDrain

I remember thinking as you do now - my drinking was unweildy, it was making my life unmanageable, sure, but it also gave it meaning...and I was an artist, an outlaw - why not a doomed one?

It's a pervasive image for a lot of us...living life to the utmost...and some of us follow it right to the end.

My experience? I faced that choice - I almost died...not figuratively, but literally.

I found pretty quickly I now had a new set of priorities - chief among them not dying alone on the floor of my pokey little apartment at 40.

The reality of pushing the envelope did not meet the romance, for me.

I've never regretted that decision to stop drinking.
Looking back I found I really wasn't living life at all, let alone to the utmost.
I was at best existing, propped up by my ever present friend the bottle.

It took me 20 years to be ready...if you ever feel ready, you could do worse than hang out here, like I did.

We get it - we know...and we understand.
D
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Old 04-03-2010, 04:33 AM
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Alcohol forces that . It can make an average day have meaning.

I've never found that to be true for myself. The only thing alcohol forced upon me was sleeping too much (passed out at odd times of day) and the huge regret I always felt when waking up horribly sick, again.

Maybe you're not ready to stop drinking, I don't know. Only you can say if you're ready to stop. When you are ready, we'll be here.
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Old 04-03-2010, 07:46 AM
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Heya TimeDrain.

For me, drugs / drink gave me some resistance to work against when the days otherwise seemed monotonous and unchallenging. But, in the end, here’s nothing more monotonous than addiction.

Everything is about finding out what’s beyond the furthest I can see or imagine. I’m always chasing something that is always going to be beyond me...and that’s why I chase it, because it is beyond me.

I tried so many times to ‘settle down’ or ‘grow up’, but I no longer think being that sort of person is the product of being immature or just reckless, rather some of the behaviours I was engaging in to satisfy my nature were immature and reckless.

Now, it’s about finding a positive and productive channel for how I am. The hardest battle, mental and physical, is against yourself.

The things I do now to give my life meaning help more people than I ever did as a junky and –yeah, it’s so effing hard half the time- but I need that resistance, I need something to push against...and gift or curse, I’ve got it.

My biggest achievements in life began with being told ‘you cannot do this’ or ‘that’s impossible’.

I know I can do drugs. I know I can drink. They don’t challenge me, not anymore, but like you said ‘quitting to me seem[ed] almost impossible’...and that’s a big part of why I’m challenging myself to do it.

You want a real challenge, mate...Stop using.

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Old 04-03-2010, 07:54 AM
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Welcome back!

My sober life is not boring. It's peaceful.

I used to chase the high too and I am grateful that I no longer need to do that.
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Old 04-03-2010, 08:10 AM
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Hello TimeDrain.

Alcohol is a great persuader. It would have one believe that life is not worth living without it. A deadly delusion that needs to be smashed.

It is possible to bring meaning into life without having alcohol do it for you. I found a life defined by alcohol was really a life encapsulated by chemical restraints. There is a new freedom to be found with sobriety. One that allows discovery and growth into a better realm of existence. I hope you can find this to be true for you as it is for me.
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Old 04-03-2010, 09:19 AM
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Hi Timedrain..at bit like how you think too..i think tsukiko has it in a nutshell..feedin habits and ways of, is just really living in the repetition of past familiar comfort zones of entrapment..the real challenge bein breakin free from that cycle and discovering all things new about you..and what can be acheived and fullfilled in a sober way of being, i too am very new little less than 2 weeks free from..the past seems for now to be always calling..and what you,ve always done for so damm long is pretty well ingrained habitually,that it takes some real mental strength and a programme of some kind of recovery..new challenge..unfamiliar territory..how much on the edge dya wanna be..
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Old 04-04-2010, 03:20 AM
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I found nothing interesting about sitting in bars surrounded
by other losers.....all busy telling each other how wonderful
they were. How attractive...smart and special.

I was there for the booze....tho I did join in the over blown
ego trips on how fascinating we all were.....

But then again...I was also smart and special to them.
It kept me drinking and then depressed.

Most of them died from alcohol related causes
since I became connected to AA..

The only limits I've found in the joy of recovery
have been my lack of imagination of possibilities....
Boring? absoltely not!

Welcome to SR.....
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