Not Again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 26
Not Again
I went out again Sunday. I thought I was going to hide it, get in some drinking, experience a buzz, and it could be my little secret. I was at 94 days sober, and had worked hard to get there, but somehow, I thought I could sneak one drunk in.
This did not go as planned.
At no point did it really feel good. I drank a few beers, and I didn’t really feel any euphoria. So I switched to harder stuff. Nothing. I got drunk without euphoria.
When my girlfriend came home, she knew something was up. I lied as planned, but we started a huge argument. At some point, I went into the kitchen a contemplated slashing my wrist. I picked up the knife and held it to my wrist.
My girlfriend heard me pick up the knife, got scared (she didn’t know it was intended for myself), and ordered me to leave. Surprise, surprise, I would end up in another bar before the night was out.
The next day, I would confess that I drank and lied to her. This happened to be her birthday, so my actions ruined her birthday. I was still having suicidal thoughts in the morning, but I was able to talk myself down through the help of friends.
Drinking no longer works. It brings me nothing but suffering, misery, and destruction. Oh, how I wish I’d thought of that before I picked up.
This did not go as planned.
At no point did it really feel good. I drank a few beers, and I didn’t really feel any euphoria. So I switched to harder stuff. Nothing. I got drunk without euphoria.
When my girlfriend came home, she knew something was up. I lied as planned, but we started a huge argument. At some point, I went into the kitchen a contemplated slashing my wrist. I picked up the knife and held it to my wrist.
My girlfriend heard me pick up the knife, got scared (she didn’t know it was intended for myself), and ordered me to leave. Surprise, surprise, I would end up in another bar before the night was out.
The next day, I would confess that I drank and lied to her. This happened to be her birthday, so my actions ruined her birthday. I was still having suicidal thoughts in the morning, but I was able to talk myself down through the help of friends.
Drinking no longer works. It brings me nothing but suffering, misery, and destruction. Oh, how I wish I’d thought of that before I picked up.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I know firsthand what you're going thru. The regret and self hatred over going back out drinking. I hope you can start your recovery all over and find success this time. It takes some of us longer than others to 'get it' and I pray you find your way. 
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
I hope you will add something to what you were doing in the way of recovery. Perhaps you quit doing something that led to this.
Hopefully you are at that point where you will learn from this experience, I will tell you one thing I learned of the years of many failed attempts at sobriety:
Doing the same thing over & over again always brought me the same results every time.
In order for me to stay sober I had to do something different, not only different, but something that worked for other people and was not my plan or idea.
For me it was the program & fellowship of AA, I found a new solution for life, one that was so good that the idea of a drink being a solution or escape to/from anything did not even enter my mind.
Hopefully you are at that point where you will learn from this experience, I will tell you one thing I learned of the years of many failed attempts at sobriety:
Doing the same thing over & over again always brought me the same results every time.
In order for me to stay sober I had to do something different, not only different, but something that worked for other people and was not my plan or idea.
For me it was the program & fellowship of AA, I found a new solution for life, one that was so good that the idea of a drink being a solution or escape to/from anything did not even enter my mind.
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
Nothing will screw up drinking and drugging like a little taste of recovery. In my experience, and lord knows i've tried this unfortunately, it is literally impossible to enjoy. Being ignorant that i'm an addict or in denial is one thing. But once i put some days together and came to the realization of who/what i am, when i went back out i was willfully destroying myself. It felt awful.
The good news is that you never have to drink/drug again.
The good news is that you never have to drink/drug again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 26
I had just finished doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I was also doing outpatient treatment. I was working on my 9th step. I was praying almost daily and meditating almost weekly. I have a service commitment. I enjoy fellowship a couple times a week. I have a therapist and a psychiatrist. I am on medications: Resperidol and Antabuse (I missed a few doses of Abntabuse, which should have been my first clue).
I really don't know what else I can do.
I really don't know what else I can do.
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
You were at the 9th step in 90 days? Whoa. Maybe a more rigorous application of the previous steps is in order. Just a thought. What really works for me is daily prayer and meditation, as well as meetings and fellowship. I firmly beleive in the "24 hour reprieve" stuff and also that yesterdays recovery ain't gonna help me today. Daily maintenance is what helps me the most, to also include exercise, good nutrition, and fun!
On the simplest level, what you can do is not pick up a bottle, glass, or can of alcohol. You can't drink it if you don't pick it up!
On the simplest level, what you can do is not pick up a bottle, glass, or can of alcohol. You can't drink it if you don't pick it up!
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
Another thing for me is that the steps are not a linear process. When i would relapse, a big part of it was always that i wasn't practicing steps 1-3. I actually have learned that i was straying from the practice well before the actual act of drinking/using. In step 1 i admitted my powerlessness over my addiction(alcohol, etc..) and that my life had become unmanageable. I have to work this step daily. I have to remind myself. If i find myself in certain places or with certain people, or about to pick up certain things then i'm not living the 1st step. I'm just not. I'm denying my powerlessness. I've done it many times and misery followed.
The coming to beleive and making a decision in steps 2 & 3 require daily practice for me as well. On a daily basis when i accept my powerlessness, truly believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, and make a decision to turn my will and my life over through daily prayer, meditation, and adherence to spiritual principles the day goes well. Or it doesn't. But when i have a "bad day" due to external situations i don't have to drink or use over it and that in itself is a good day for addicts like me.
Honestly, if i was trying to make amends at 90 days(i have 93 days this time around) i'd prolly be wanting to get high. Take it easy my friend. Give yourself a break. I wish you all the best.
The coming to beleive and making a decision in steps 2 & 3 require daily practice for me as well. On a daily basis when i accept my powerlessness, truly believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity, and make a decision to turn my will and my life over through daily prayer, meditation, and adherence to spiritual principles the day goes well. Or it doesn't. But when i have a "bad day" due to external situations i don't have to drink or use over it and that in itself is a good day for addicts like me.
Honestly, if i was trying to make amends at 90 days(i have 93 days this time around) i'd prolly be wanting to get high. Take it easy my friend. Give yourself a break. I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: The Present
Posts: 425
Hi Herc
I've never gotten as far as you did (94 days sober), and I truly admire you
for getting that far. Don't be rough on yourself. Tomorrow is another day
sober. I think August has a good point. Just leave it on the table. If you
don't pick it up, you can't drink it.
I've never gotten as far as you did (94 days sober), and I truly admire you
for getting that far. Don't be rough on yourself. Tomorrow is another day
sober. I think August has a good point. Just leave it on the table. If you
don't pick it up, you can't drink it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by augustwest 
If i find myself in certain places or with certain people, or about to pick up certain things then i'm not living the 1st step.
Originally Posted by AA BB 1st
Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do. We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
How does one get recovered? By having a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps.
Originally Posted by augustwest
Honestly, if i was trying to make amends at 90 days(i have 93 days this time around) i'd prolly be wanting to get high. Take it easy my friend. Give yourself a break.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Hi and Welcome,
I think it's evident that this disease of addiction is progressive and it takes us down further and further each time.
It scares me that your drinking caused suicidal thoughts. Have you talked to your dr because that sounds dangerous?
Please know that you don't have to go any lower!
I think it's evident that this disease of addiction is progressive and it takes us down further and further each time.
It scares me that your drinking caused suicidal thoughts. Have you talked to your dr because that sounds dangerous?
Please know that you don't have to go any lower!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Get back into the rooms & come clean, grab your sponsor & start over on the steps again, my sponsor had me "Take the steps to Heart" not just work them, I do the same with my sponsees.
As Keith said, I took the steps to heart with all of the vigor that a drowning man holds on to a life preserver when thrown to him. By step 5 I was as the step 5 promises say begining to feel as though the drink problem was gone, by step 10 my sanity had returned & the cumpulsion to drink was GONE!!!
I go where ever I want to as long as I have a legit reason for going there. I live the solution to the best of my ability on a daily basis, as long as I maintain my spiritual condition fit I could care less if some one is drinking around me nor if there is booze in thier house or mine.
HercTRock are you willing to go to ANY lengths to find a solution to your drinking?
If you are then find a man that has taken the steps to heart & lives them daily & ask him to take you through the steps. If you take them to heart & live them daily in all areas of your life you will be living in the solution, a solution where your sanity will be restored & the madness of needing a drink to escape from or resolve ANY problem will be the furthest thing from your mind.
As Keith said, I took the steps to heart with all of the vigor that a drowning man holds on to a life preserver when thrown to him. By step 5 I was as the step 5 promises say begining to feel as though the drink problem was gone, by step 10 my sanity had returned & the cumpulsion to drink was GONE!!!
I go where ever I want to as long as I have a legit reason for going there. I live the solution to the best of my ability on a daily basis, as long as I maintain my spiritual condition fit I could care less if some one is drinking around me nor if there is booze in thier house or mine.
HercTRock are you willing to go to ANY lengths to find a solution to your drinking?
If you are then find a man that has taken the steps to heart & lives them daily & ask him to take you through the steps. If you take them to heart & live them daily in all areas of your life you will be living in the solution, a solution where your sanity will be restored & the madness of needing a drink to escape from or resolve ANY problem will be the furthest thing from your mind.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
By 90 days i had done all of step 9 i could do at that time, others e.g. financial amends which i am still paying now and take a while, well the action necessary after the amend anyway...if i hadn't worked the steps as fast as possible to the best of my ability and, without my knowing at the time, had a spiritaul awakening i would have drunk again...why would i not have drank again, i drank for 20 years and had 20 years of regrets, guilt and shame how long do you want me to stay dry with that over my shoulder everyday?!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 26
I had worked each step as thoroughly as possible and moved onto the next in sequential order. I hadn't been doing a daily 123, so perhaps that is part of the problem.
That was the first question my sponsor asked me. I said yes, but I have a sever problem with staying committed to this 100% of the time.
I'm pretty sure my sponsor has taken the steps 'to heart'. I mean, he's happy, spiritual, sane. He still works them with conviction.
I was having somewhat of a spiritual crisis. I'm feeling out of place in the world, discontent, ungrateful. Things don't make me happy like they used too. Everything seems false and dubious. I may be suffering from depression or bipolar, but it's hard to separate from my post-acute withdrawal (is it separate from my alcoholic condition)?
Grrrr.... this way of life is frustrating.
HercTRock are you willing to go to ANY lengths to find a solution to your drinking?
I'm pretty sure my sponsor has taken the steps 'to heart'. I mean, he's happy, spiritual, sane. He still works them with conviction.
I was having somewhat of a spiritual crisis. I'm feeling out of place in the world, discontent, ungrateful. Things don't make me happy like they used too. Everything seems false and dubious. I may be suffering from depression or bipolar, but it's hard to separate from my post-acute withdrawal (is it separate from my alcoholic condition)?
Grrrr.... this way of life is frustrating.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Herc, I know just what you mean. Even after admitting alcohol was poison to me, I'd keep trying to control it - always looking for that old warm, happy feeling. It wasn't coming back - but I kept insisting it still could. So I'd try something stronger - even drank every day - but all I felt was numb and foggy, never happy or carefree.
Maybe this last incident will serve a purpose and you won't be tempted to pick up again. Until you truly believe you can't touch the stuff, your sobriety will be fragile. I hope you never have to feel this way again. You can stop this dangerous way of living and never have to have another painful episode like that. Keep posting and don't lose heart.
Maybe this last incident will serve a purpose and you won't be tempted to pick up again. Until you truly believe you can't touch the stuff, your sobriety will be fragile. I hope you never have to feel this way again. You can stop this dangerous way of living and never have to have another painful episode like that. Keep posting and don't lose heart.
dopeless hope fiend
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Here. Now.
Posts: 1,021
Originally Posted by keithj
I disagree. If I'm bothered by being in certain places or with certain people, then I'm not experiencing the 10th Step promises. It means I still have an alcoholic mind.
This is a good point and i agree. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive though.
You are either recovered, and can meet these conditions without fear, or you are not recovered, and had best hide away until you get recovered.
How does one get recovered? By having a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps.
Advice like this is why many in the rooms of AA never recover. Giving yourself a break and not working the Steps with the desperation of a drowning will keep you sick. There is a choice. You can stay in fear of people and places, hanging on tight hoping you won't relapse again, or you can get recovered. Certainly rushing through the Steps without thoroughly doing them is a road to failure, but just as certainly is avoiding doing them.
This is a good point and i agree. I don't think the two are mutually exclusive though.
You are either recovered, and can meet these conditions without fear, or you are not recovered, and had best hide away until you get recovered.
How does one get recovered? By having a spiritual awakening as the result of the 12 Steps.
Advice like this is why many in the rooms of AA never recover. Giving yourself a break and not working the Steps with the desperation of a drowning will keep you sick. There is a choice. You can stay in fear of people and places, hanging on tight hoping you won't relapse again, or you can get recovered. Certainly rushing through the Steps without thoroughly doing them is a road to failure, but just as certainly is avoiding doing them.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Hi Herc
man, I'm sorry you had to go put yrself through that - this addiction is relentless.
I'm not an AA guy but maybe you need to lay out for yr sponsor what you're feeling by way of your spiritual crisis and get their opinion on whats required...
And maybe there are other issues besides alcoholism too - none of us can really confirm or deny that here.
I hope you'll see, or at least think about seeing, a Dr.
D
man, I'm sorry you had to go put yrself through that - this addiction is relentless.
I'm not an AA guy but maybe you need to lay out for yr sponsor what you're feeling by way of your spiritual crisis and get their opinion on whats required...
And maybe there are other issues besides alcoholism too - none of us can really confirm or deny that here.
I hope you'll see, or at least think about seeing, a Dr.
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
I agree. You may have very well saved someone else in this delicate stage of recovery from thinking/doing the same thing.
If we learn from our mistakes, all is not lost. Life is a series of lessons. We just gotta pick ourselves back up, dust ourselves off and move on, all the while growing in lessons learned along the way.
Peace & Progress ~
If we learn from our mistakes, all is not lost. Life is a series of lessons. We just gotta pick ourselves back up, dust ourselves off and move on, all the while growing in lessons learned along the way.
Peace & Progress ~
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Herc - thank you for your honest post. I am on day 94 today, and have lately been thinking that maybe some how some way I can drink again. Back to that crazy thinking, and the siren song of "just a few". I have not picked up, but the fact that it's been on my mind is scary. I go from feeling so confident with just not drinking, thinking of myself as a non-drinking person, to wondering if I really had a problem in the first place. Crazy, I know. But there it is.
Your post helped me just when I needed it, and I think you for your candor. I also agree with what August said about how drinking was no longer enjoyable once it was done after knowing that you have a problem with it. I think I hit that point before I actually stopped drinking. I went from sober to drunk with no euphoria in between - and that was the thing I was after in the first place. But I couldn't capture the magic sweet spot that had drawn me in so long ago. And once I became aware that I was actively chasing it to no avail, nothing was good about drinking. Nothing. Because I couldn't even fool myself anymore. SO - now, I will keep this tucked away for those times that I think I'm "different", and can drink now.
I was reading about relapse in some book in the bookstore this weekend, and it said that one mistake people who relapse make is to massively underestimate the severity of the addiction. They get some time behind them and decide, "Well, that was 'easy'...I must not have a big problem after all...think I'll have a drink!" And then we know how that ends. It struck me that I was reading about myself there, and in so doing, it helped convince my rational mind that yes, I really AM an alcoholic, period. The drinking ship has sailed. Train has left the station. It's no longer in the cards for me to drink like a normal person.
Your post helped me just when I needed it, and I think you for your candor. I also agree with what August said about how drinking was no longer enjoyable once it was done after knowing that you have a problem with it. I think I hit that point before I actually stopped drinking. I went from sober to drunk with no euphoria in between - and that was the thing I was after in the first place. But I couldn't capture the magic sweet spot that had drawn me in so long ago. And once I became aware that I was actively chasing it to no avail, nothing was good about drinking. Nothing. Because I couldn't even fool myself anymore. SO - now, I will keep this tucked away for those times that I think I'm "different", and can drink now.
I was reading about relapse in some book in the bookstore this weekend, and it said that one mistake people who relapse make is to massively underestimate the severity of the addiction. They get some time behind them and decide, "Well, that was 'easy'...I must not have a big problem after all...think I'll have a drink!" And then we know how that ends. It struck me that I was reading about myself there, and in so doing, it helped convince my rational mind that yes, I really AM an alcoholic, period. The drinking ship has sailed. Train has left the station. It's no longer in the cards for me to drink like a normal person.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
