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told by MD I couldn't just stop cold turkey

Old 03-30-2010, 07:15 PM
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Originally Posted by sev View Post
Hi Corn. I'm glad to see you responded. I have to tell you, your story really isn't too far off from mine. I can really relate to what you are feeling RIGHT NOW. Hopeless, alone, weight of the world on your shoulders...yeah, I get it. I lived that life for many years. I was raised in a strict Christian home and I wanted NO PART of that! AA was my absolute last option. Like you, I was different. I couldn't afford to lose my job, I had outside issues (Bi Polar) and I was completely against this higher power nonsense. But, in the end, I had to give AA a try. It has worked for millions of other alcoholics. Surely, there must be something to it. Once I could open my mind just a tiny bit to the idea that maybe a group of sober alcoholics could find strength in each other and be a little more powerful than just me, well then...I had a higher power. Surely I could admit that a group of people is more powerful than just one person alone. That was my in. From there I changed and evolved and continue to do so. As long as I can keep my mind open just a fraction and be willing and honest. That's it. It has really changed my life. it is free. and I have never been turned away due to a lack of insurance. In fact, I've never even missed a day of work due to AA. I never went to rehab for the same reasons you don't go. Instead, I tried AA. And wouldn't ya know it....I can confidently say that it's worked for millions PLUS one more. I know it seems like everyone is picking on you, AA this and AA that....try to open up to the possibility. Give it a shot. What have you got to lose at this point?

Let me know what you think.....
I will be honest when I say that I HAVE considered AA...and may try it because all I see right now is darkness.....and I cannot afford that view.....
(I am trying...really trying to open this hard, stubborn mind.....I have had to rely on that mind to get me out of a LOT of mess in my life......this booze was the first time my mind ticked me like this......

and yes...I DO feel picked on and I can tell you....I WILL shut down when I think I am being manipulated....don't we all? (even if that manipulation is for positive and one's "Own Good"....

Peace
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:22 PM
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I know the darkness of which you speak. It is indescribabale and it is a place that I NEVER want to go back to. I always used to shut down when I felt threatened too. I don't have to do that anymore. I can think about what is being said without feeling attacked (MOST of the time). I can say that these folks truly do care about you. We all felt the way you are feeling at our bottom. Beaten, ripped apart, hopeless. Sometimes we need to hear things we just don't want to! I know that's true for me anyways. I hope that you do give AA a try. Go to several different meetings. Don't just go to one and give up. Try out different ones. You may just hear something that you have been looking for. Something that will give you just a glimmer of hope. That's all it took for me.

You're not alone. That is one thing that I can promise you. We have very similar stories, which tells me that you too can get (and stay) sober.
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:31 PM
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Hi cornczech I'm not sure if you're just venting or not, but if you feel you are that deeply in despair you feel you may be a danger to yourself, please at least take the time to read the information in this link

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

There is a lot of help and support here. I hope you stick around on the boards

D
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:44 PM
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Now worries, Dee.....venting mostly....I have felt despair....and even acted on that despair...but I have learned a LOT in my misery.....things change and are fluid....and ending my life only ends it....it wouldn't solve anything.....

I am EXHAUSTED after seeing patients all day and just...well....feeling too much today...again...i thank all ya'll for the responses....I just have to worm myself out of this deep crevice I've found myself in.....

'night
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:57 PM
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It's okay to be frustrated....it really is. We're glad you're here. Please keep reading SR, it has been crucial to my sobriety.
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Old 03-30-2010, 08:28 PM
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Corn, I could have missed this part, but what did the GP say you should do instead of stopping cold turkey? Did he actually say you should "cut back"?

This meeting that you found for Thursdays, what is it that you liked about it when you chose this option?
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Old 03-30-2010, 09:11 PM
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Corn, I feel for you and can tell you are frustrated. I do have a hard time understanding where your GP is coming from though. Also, did I read that you were 2 months sober and then had a seizure and alcohol was the cause? That would be extremely odd if so.

Anyway, I do go to AA and one of the stronger members of my group is an Atheist. If you want to go there, let people know how you feel and find someone who got sober that way. Here is the link to Chicago AA Chicago AA Meeting Directory - GSO Area 19 (I just searched ad found 11 Atheist/Agnostic meetings a week there) If you don't go to AA,no worries, there are other ways.

The bottom line is you can't get sober while your stil drinking, as you know. I would simply suggest that you find a new Internal Med DR and go tell them exactly what you have told us. I am almost sure someone will help you with this issue.

God Bless you and remember that we all care about you because you are one of us. This disease sucks but we all must hang together to fight it!!
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Old 03-31-2010, 02:51 AM
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corn, I think you've got some good suggestions here: see another doc who will prescribe some meds and discuss a home detox, or, probably better, try to find a detox center you can use over the weekend.

Also, I would consider the idea that you don't have to choose just one program. I still use an outpatient addiction center where I see a therapist, and I go to AA too.
Maybe there are outpatient recovery programs for people who have your diagnosis?
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:18 AM
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Corn I concur with the folks who have replied so far. I spent 5 years not drawing a sober breath in the end. I found myself living in a very dark world that was entirely against me, I hated myself for what I had become, hopeless only began to describe how I felt.

What got me to that point was me blaming everyone & everything for every problem I had.

I knew that the only person who could help me was ME!!!! I had all the answers, I could handle this all myself alone!!!

Well I was drinking every day, not because I wanted to drink any more, but because I had to drink every day just to feel normal, if I did not drink I would have bad things start to happen to me both physically & mentally.

What saved me was a moment of clarity, I saw my future if I kept drinking and the end was going to be just me, my bottle, & a SLOW painful LONELY death from my alcoholism.

At this point the hopelessness of my situation closed around me like a dark sinister cloud!! I knew I did not have a single idea of how to get sober & I finally admitted that I had no clue how to stay sober!

I was at a turning point, I could continue to drink & die or I could simply give up & ask for help.

I had reached a point where I was willing to do what ever it took to get & stay sober! I was willing to do anything anyone suggested to me that knew first how to get sober & then most importantly how to STAY sober!

I saw a Dr. & told the WHOLE truth about my drinking......... he put me into detox because he told me there was no way I could safely stop drinking.

In detox they told us that if we wanted a chance at long term sobriety when we left detox we needed to go to at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days & get a sponsor.

Well knowing that I did not have a clue how to stay sober I did as the detox folks suggested.

Being HONESTLY willing to do what ever it takes, I followed suggestions given to me by my sponsor & others who knew how to stay sober.

BTW there are plenty of athiest/agnostics in AA that are staying sober, many use thier AA group as their HP and it works just fine for them.

When the word God is mentioned many consider it an acronym for Good Orderly Direction.

Why not give AA or some other program an HONEST try?

Pick a program and follow ALL of the suggestions for 90 days as though your life depended upon it (It actually does!).

What do you have to lose? Some time drinking?

What do you have to gain? Possibly a new sober way of life.

If after giving a program an HONEST 90 days trial if you decide that drinking is a better way of living the liquor stores will still be there waiting for you.
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:27 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Toronto68 View Post
Corn, I could have missed this part, but what did the GP say you should do instead of stopping cold turkey? Did he actually say you should "cut back"?

This meeting that you found for Thursdays, what is it that you liked about it when you chose this option?
It was not AA...(I have not yet been....I only found them on Friday last week...and they only meet on Thursdays......
you'd think a huge city like Chicago would have more NON-AA meetings!
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Old 03-31-2010, 05:43 AM
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I guess the biggest thing is that I am afraid......what the heck am I gonna do when the madness comes back, (and it will).....when I am stuck after 3 days of insomnia, (I can go 4 days solid without sleeping....had the insomnia BEFORE the alcoholism..as well as the anxiety/bi-polar...whatever the mental illness of the week is....)....

As for the seizure question....I was labeled as epileptic...(I have had several concussions in my life....) because I fit the parameters, (I was told epilepsy most times cannot be pinpointed as to WHY or HOW one got it...) I just thought it was strange that I started to get seizures 2 months after I got out of rehab......(I was drinking 8 beers a day...MORE on weekends...taking sleeping pills, pills for nausea...Seroquel...and smoking enough pot to stock a Grateful Dead concert.....)so...here I went from slamming my brain with all these chemicals to stay calm...and suddenly...I just have the Ambien, Seroquel and Phenergan......I would have a seizure every month...once a month...at the friggin full moon, (no kidding...I am a lycanthrope, ya'll!)...then I started to drink heavier around the New Year, (my last seizure was on January 5th.....around the full moon) and have not had a seizure since.....but I also am almost back to drinking daily......(I still don't drink on the weekends....and no more than 2 on the days I work....not counting the week long binge I was on because I was off all last week....sigh) So....I secretly think the seizures are related to my drinking somehow......but the MD's don't...(but I ALSO didn't TELL my neurologist that I was back at drinking again...)
I will look into the AA.....thanks for the meeting list......
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Old 03-31-2010, 06:52 AM
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For now just believe that we all really do know how you feel. Whether you agree with some opinions or not, whether they are right for you or not, keep coming back and vent, cry, get angry, whatever it takes, just come back.

:ghug3
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Old 03-31-2010, 07:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Saphie View Post
For now just believe that we all really do know how you feel. Whether you agree with some opinions or not, whether they are right for you or not, keep coming back and vent, cry, get angry, whatever it takes, just come back.

:ghug3
Oh man...would I LOVE to vent, cry and rant somewhere without feeling like a burden....but, (and I've a fairly big butt), I still get filled with that shame.....that I am a whiner, (I have been told this....stiff upper lip kind of family style, ya know....)...that I TALK too much, (or write, in this case)...that I am too honest...and I shudder....to feel judged....to wonder if I really AM a burden...too much.....(whatever)

So...I am smoking right now......trying to stop the panic....I have decided that I can no longer do this.....I am a dark, hurt, INSANE individual.....but I cannot LIVE this way....I feel as if I have already died.....months...years ago....(so much history....). I told my husband last night....I REALLY wish I had the balls (excuse me) to kill myself..but I am chicken...I am afraid I might miss something...and he said, "you would..." (what a mind fark and jolt, eh?). So if I am too chicken...then I have NO CHOICE but to get on with this business of finding that ol' gal that used to draw on napkins....go shopping, not to BUY...but so I could caress the fabric on a dress.....

but where did she go......?????
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Old 03-31-2010, 07:47 AM
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This is my life today: (an e-mail I wrote to my 86 year old grandmother who is allowing my 60 year old mother to stay with her because her husband threw her out of their home...)

I am ashamed to say that Ryan and I had a "row" and I told him I didn't think it wise to continue communicating for the moment, (my father was keeping personal tabs on him...stopping by in Arizona to see him when Dad got cancer treatment in California last fall). Dad told me Ryan had been drinking and was pretty wasted when he saw him.....(I go on Facebook..and Ryan does seem to have some issues...). I feel bad...but I ALSO told Ryan that I loved him and if he wanted to talk, he could contact me at ANY time...just that the current conversation we had been on...was not a healthy one...) I wanted to not speak of certain things...so you wouldn't worry...but the truth is the truth....
I thought by leaving my children with their "normal" fathers, I was doing the "right thing"...but alas...I get surprised by the pain MY decisions have caused....funny how it all turns out in the end...

Yes...my mother will NOT get better until she at LEAST admits she cannot fight the cravings anymore...and makes excuses for them...blames everyone else for her pain...(I don't want to sound like a seller of AA here....). I STILL have issues....but I do not go around BLAMING any longer...I just realize that i am hurt...that life isn't all fairies and unicorns and happy people...and that I have to find my peace WITHIN myself ...not just looking for outside causes and cures.
Anyhow....
We all set out to have this fantastic life, filled with constant joy and triumphs...but this is the life we have...and we can only live it the best we can.....

Sorry if I am being sappy....but I really WISH my mother could get better. The pain she has wrought on ALL of us has been terrible...but I LOVE my mother..and would just be happy knowing she woke up from her addiction and just started to LIVE for a bit...
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Old 03-31-2010, 07:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Cornczech View Post
It was not AA...(I have not yet been....I only found them on Friday last week...and they only meet on Thursdays......
you'd think a huge city like Chicago would have more NON-AA meetings!
Corn, you might have missed that I wasn't asking whether it was AA or even what kind of meeting it was; just what you liked about it, what made you chose it. I don't blame you if you have not gone yet. I suppose I would get exasperated if you took 10 weeks instead of 1, but it's not really my job to blame you then either. Up to you whether you want it or not.

I missed the part about what the doctor said (ie, did he expect you to stay on alcohol bu decrease it as opposed to stopping cold turkey for some specific reason). But you don't have to answer that.
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Old 03-31-2010, 07:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Toronto68 View Post
Corn, you might have missed that I wasn't asking whether it was AA or even what kind of meeting it was; just what you liked about it, what made you chose it. I don't blame you if you have not gone yet. I suppose I would get exasperated if you took 10 weeks instead of 1, but it's not really my job to blame you then either. Up to you whether you want it or not.

I missed the part about what the doctor said (ie, did he expect you to stay on alcohol bu decrease it as opposed to stopping cold turkey for some specific reason). But you don't have to answer that.
I only learned of that particular meeting last Friday....and they only meet on Thursdays..this SOS...or some other non-AA meeting, (since my seizures, I cannot remember things too well). So I have not been to a meeting of ANY kind since January of 2009.

As for my GP's opinion? He gave me nothing other than a 10 day supply of baclofen...and advice to see my neurologist, (whose first appointment is in May....)
(I now have tingling and numbness in the fingers and foot of the left side of my body...)
and he told me NOT to stop drinking suddenly, (because I have had seizures),

I am confused and would use ANYTHING as an excuse to keep numbing myself...YAY!

Sometimes I feel as if this is just too much, but then...I am a chicken...so I simply just suffer...feel bad, use...then suffer....
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Old 03-31-2010, 08:07 AM
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so....the truth today? (I was told to vent, rant, cry..whatever)
I drank my last 4 beers...before 9am..all because my husband wanted to go look for apartments today at 6pm....so I get a little tipsy before noon...so I can be at least ABLE to go tonight...this evening...whatever

THIS is my life....I shake...I tremble....sweat...and then other days (for up to 4 days at a time since rehab in Jan. 2009), I am fine.....

I don't even KNOW why anymore...this is just the way I stop the belief, (and let me tell you...justified)..that nobody gives a (bleep) about me....I asked my MD father for help...and his "addiction specialist friend...you remember him, huh?"..told him to tell me to get an Anabuse implant, (when I asked about baclofen and naltrexone)...so when I found out that the Anabuse implant was NOT available in the US...my loving MD father said..."well L is the ONLY person int he US to give it...and he is trying to get a patent...." (and here I was trying to get REAL advice)...I told my father I needed help TODAY, not some STUDY on Anabuse....now my father doesn't write back..doesn't admit that he failed me...(he ALSO had a phone number for a "specialist" in addiction..my father never gave me number, giving me a promise to "call them first"...and then never calling...I AM NOT MAKING EXCUSES...I am just sharing my life today...
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Old 03-31-2010, 08:53 AM
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Corn, I think you should vent too. That is usually a good thing, so that you work through it. Although I don't know very much about being bi-polar (at least I think I don't); medications either.

I hope it works out, so that you reach a point where you can stop the drinking and fitting it into different time slots (for the apt search tonight, for example). Life gets in the way for addiction, as you know. The gal inside (that you mentioned above) is there, it sounds like it will take a little more time to work through things.
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Old 03-31-2010, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Cornczech View Post
Sometimes I feel as if this is just too much, but then...I am a chicken...so I simply just suffer...feel bad, use...then suffer....
Hi Corn! Welcome to SR, you've come to a great place. I am glad you are venting, please continue to do so. Many, if not most or all, of us can relate to much of what you've said.

I wanted to respond to some stuff you've posted. But it occurs to me that there is just one thing I need to say to you. It is something I needed to hear. I can't speak for others here, but my guess is that they needed to hear it at some point too... remember, ie, never forget , we have all been where you are now. So I am not speaking from on high, but as a fellow traveller on the same road as you.

Victims don't get to recover.

It's not your Mom, your Dad, your GP that will get you recovered. It is you that must do that job. AA has a way for you to tap into some power, awesome power, more powerful, even, than the lunar cycle, to help... and... there are many other programs, besides AA, that will empower you as well.

Peace
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Old 03-31-2010, 03:23 PM
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Thanks again, ya'll......
I looked at a few AA meeting places, times...that would be convenient for me. I went for a nice bike ride along the lake......I only drank 4 beers and fought the urge to go into a few pubs along the way......tomorrow, i am going to try and not drink anything at all...and I don't drink on weekends, and especially not THIS weekend as we're going to my husband's parent's house in the UP, (my father-in-law is about 25 or more years sober thru AA)...

I never answered the GP question....he didn't give me ANY options but the number to 3 psychiatrists, (who, by the way, didn't want to see my addicted self....). I MAINLY went to see him to have my liver, kidneys, etc...checked. I was surprised to get a baclofen rx from him (for 10 days only) though.....(I have yet to pick it up).
I am going to head back outside.....run books back to the library, (2 books on addiction...one terrible...by Chris Prentiss....and the other one by a French Cardiologist who discovered baclofen worked to stop him cravings......)

ciao for now! d(-_-)b
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