SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Just got home from meeting #16 since Thursday. Yes, I'm doing the newcomer-marathon meeting deal. It's my safe place right now, and I hear things I need to hear in every single meeting. Not everything I hear is something I need, but I always take away at least 1 nugget that I need for later.

Anyhow, I prayed last night and this morning. And I mean, I prayed. Not just the Serenity Prayer (though that was included) or "Now I lay me down to sleep" or "Please protect all the children in (insert random desolate country)". I prayed hard. On my knees. For the first time in a really, really long time. At least the last 15 years. Last night I slept without booze or waking up a million times for the first time in...I can't remember how long. And it was good.

When I hit my knees this morning, I was really talking to God, and some here know that my relationship with my fiancee (of 7 years...we live together) is in a more-than-precarious situation following my second DUI Wednesday. My chances of staying here or being kicked to the curb are, I'd say, 15%-85% right now. As I was praying, I stopped halfway through, because I realized I was asking God to fix my relationship, to fill her heart with love for me, to do all these things because I wanted my girl back. I stopped, because I realized that I should only want this relationship if it is God's will. My will is what got me into an AA room Thursday afternoon; what I want obviously ain't been working for me up to this point. Here I am asking for something when that may not be in the plan. And I also realized, I don't have to ask God for the things I want. He knows my every want and desire. He doesn't need me to send it to him in a list like a kid asking for toys from Santa Claus. So I gave in, and I said, "God, let your will be done. If that is for the two of us to stay together, you know this is my desire. But if it is not to be, that I must accept." I asked God to simply show me the way toward his will, and I would follow that path.

As I walked out the door to work, I smiled, because I felt free. Even though I had given up my will and asked God to be placed under his, I felt free. I haven't smiled a lot the past few years, at least not for the right reasons. It was a good feeling. Contentment and happiness.

And on the way to work, I felt her creep into my head again. Thoughts of what I could do to fix things, or who I could get to talk to her, or if I should bring her to a meeting or suggest she go to an Al-Anon meeting or check out the Friends and Family forum here or whatever. And then I got out of my head, and I put it on God. I said, "God, I gotta work today. I'm putting this on you so I won't worry about it anymore." I then immediately noticed the tail light of the car in front of me. A recent model Accord, not sure the year, and I'm sure I've seen that car a thousand times. But this time I looked at the tail light. It was in the form of a circle with lines emanating out from it, like spokes on a wheel. And to me, it looked like a sun.

In Georgia this morning, the skies were heavily overcast. No rain, but you could not see the sun. Immediately at that moment, the huge cloud in front of me and the Accord I was trailing opened up. A hole opened up right in the cloud and the sun shined right down on me and the car in front of me. And this huge cloud (I mean huge...blocking nearly the entire sky) kept moving westward, yet the hole remained. The cloud moved around the hole, and the sun kept shining.

And in that moment, I knew God was with me. And as long as I try to live my life and make my actions according to his will and not my own, the sun will always be shining on me. I will always take the correct path. And I'll live another day without a drink.

Sorry so long, but at 11:00 I just hit the 5-day mark and got a little excited. Plus it was just a wicked awesome day in general. Thanks to everyone here. You guys have been a bigger help than you know during this time.

Thanks for letting me share.