Dinkee

Im not new here, have been browsing for a while, reading, understanding, realising, then i get off the computer and drink!

I have tried so many times to stop....counselling, AA, but the compulsion always lures me back. Its funny that i never drank until i was 30, I am 38 now and have drank solidly everyday for 8 years apart from one episode of 6 months which i have to say where the best 6 months of those 8 years.

I hold down a Job, am a good mother and wife, keep a nice home, but thats all fake on the outside, its my inside that is broken and I beat myself up mentally daily. I hate myself for my weakness, I hate myself for every Sunday night that i have said "well this week i wont drink" I just hate myself!!!

Tonight I will not drink, I will lay in bed and read the big book that a nice old man handed me a few years ago at AA. I will be agitated and upset, I will probably cry at what i have become but I WONT drink...for today.

I have posted as i need support, not from doctors or counsellers but from people who get me...understand what i am going through... and i will read all of your posts and know that i get what your going through....

Dinkee

NellieM

Nice to meet you, Dinkee. I was a lurker too for a long time before I finally had the courage to post. This is the place to be for some support and sometimes a bit of a reality check. It all comes down to doing whatever you need to do to not pick up that first drink. Things that haven't worked in the past may work now. Times change and you've changed, too. Stay strong and keep posting!

HumbleBee

Hey there, Dink ~

Welcome to [posting on] SR

Lots and lots of us have had false starts and stops - doesn't matter how old/young we were/are - you've openly admitted you have a problem and have reached out. That's huge!

Great attitude - just for today - keep it there and those today's will add up...

Keep trying, don't give up, you are in good company with lots of support!

Dee74

Welcome to the posting side of SR Dinkee
We do understand - that what makes this place so great.

The people here turned my life around - hopefully we can do the same for you too

D

NewBeginning010

We understand what you are going through & are right here with you. Keep on posting & sharing, it really helps

coffeenut

Welcome! Keep reading and posting!

Dinkee

Thankyou for you support, I know tonight will be hard but I WILL NOT Drink, Im not even going to go to the shop because i know that is just to much temptation. I have a loving husband and daughter but feel so alone....

CarolD

hi again.....
I replied to your post in our Step Study Forum
glad you are here too. I'll share more with you.

The reason I started attending AA was not external.
My doctor suggested it as I had become situationally depressed
the final years of my drinking

On the outside....I appeared just fine. Friends- lover-job ..apartment
cash....credit...adult children....attractive...happily divorced for years.

Inside....I was cold ...dead...depressed.
I absolutely detested the woman I had become.

Off I went to AA....but did not stay sober for any
real ammount of time. I returned to drinking ..then
back to AA. It was fustrating and de moralizing.

Then I read a book....."Under The Influence' by Milam
and Ketchan. It explained to me why my brain and
body no longer processed alcohol correctly.

Eureka! back to AA ...I reconnected to my God
started doing AA Step work....
and have not had another drink in 20+ years.

I certainly hope you too will find your way into recovery
It's a fantastic way to live.....
Blessings to the 3 of you.

Plese go to our Alcoholism Forum ...read the sticky post
with excerpts from "Under The Influence"

least

Welcome to SR! One day at a time is the way to stop drinking, after all, we only get to live one day at a time. Just for today, don't drink. It will be rough at first but it will get better, I promise.

Tazman53

Welcome to SR Dinkee........ read Carols post again.

Well you have found that here at SR & I assume you know you can find the same face to face in AA.

You are not alone here or in the rooms of AA.

When you went to AA before did you get a sponsor & take the steps with her?

AA has 2 parts, the program which is the 12 steps which is covered in the first 164 pages which I have found to be the key for me to long term happy sobriety & then there is the fellowship which are the recovering alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope with each other in applying the steps to theirevery day lifes.

I have found that in reality AA does not teach one how not to drink, what AA does is to provide a new solution for life that is so good that a drink is no longer a solution to any thing in life.

Hang tough & know you are not alone.

FBL

I remember how utterly hopeless I felt every time I vowed "never again" only to always pick up right where I left off. I fought this battle on and (mostly) off for nearly 30 years. On June 22, 2009, I had a mental breakdown and found myself in the emergency room hooked up to an IV with the doctor telling me that I was "probably" an alcoholic (understatement of the century). As soon as he said that, a little light went off in my head and I vowed right then and there that I'd never take another drink. I was totally scared, but yet relieved at the same time. Every day since then, I wake up every morning (with a clear head) and make one promise to myself...no matter what happens today, I will not pick up that first drink.

Now, nine months later, I still make that same promise every day. I only wish that everybody here could know the joy that comes with living a sober life. I figure if I can do this, ANYBODY can

Anna

Hi Dinkee,

I never felt more alone in my life, than the day I decided to stop drinking. I had isolated myself and hidden my drinking as best I could and I was so miserable and full of self-loathing. Please understand that addiction is a disease, not a character defect.

There is always lots of hope and I am glad that you decided to stop drinking. You will find lots of support here.

Emmy69

Hi Dinkee. There are many, many people on SR that can relate to everything you said. For over 20 years I had the Sunday night self discussions about quitting, the first of the month " I can do it" pep talks to myself on "this is the last time". And over and over I wouldn't even make it a day or two before I gave myself the excuse to start again.

But I too have lurked here on SR for a while and found that it really helps to know that I'm not a loser, monster, criminal etc. etc. I'm just like alot of other people that can't handle alcohol. SR has helped so much and I'd encourage you to keep reading, posting, lurking and you'll figure out your path. I quit 3/1/10, 23 days today and I feel great. I hope I feel great tomorrow too, but if not I think I've found something here that has set me on the right direction.

You're not alone! We're all pulling for you!

help04

I tell myself all the time I'm going to quit then after a few days when the guilt and tiredness goes away here I go again buying beer. I also hate myself esp. the day after I drink but I hate that I'm so weak and can't fight this. maybe we can help each other in some way

least

A big part of keeping myself sober is coming here and helping others stay sober.

zbear23

Dinkee...I've heard many, many different descriptions of addiction and alcoholism, but one that I think you may relate to is "Alcoholism is a broken promise." Over and over again, I promised myself...never again. And over and over again I broke my promise. I believe that I pretty much hated myself prior to drinking (alcohol was my maladaptive solution)...but the more I drank, the more I despised myself.

I now know that it's not about weakness, nor badness. I have an illness that is chronic, progressive, life threatening and is absolutely a form of insanity (otherwise I would never have continued breaking those promises).

I've been recovered now for over a dozen years, and the program and fellowship of AA is what worked for me (despite 6 rehabs). I've learned that it is a slow process, because in truth...my real problem was my thinking, not my drinking. And it took several months for my brain to begin functioning in a way that I could trust my own thoughts. Those neurological pathways, endorphins, etc., need time to heal and return to functionality, and in my case, the first time my sponsor told me I made any sense was when I had six months sober. Up until then he'd basically just shake his head and say, "keep coming."<G> Until I'd healed mentally and emotionally, my thoughts and feelings were not to be trusted....and I became willing to lean on others for direction. It's not much different than uses crutches with a broken leg...and not trying to run a race before it's throughly mended.

Siince I couldn't trust my own thinking....I FINALLY made a commitment to follow the suggestions and directions of AA and those who'd succeeded in recovery. I tried to make no excuses, no exceptions. Once I'd committed myself to a sponsor, daily meetings, doing the steps....I disciplined myself to follow through. No more broken promises (or broken commitments). It was not easy....but it was VERY simple.

I found that all my life I'd pretty much done what i felt like doing...whatever made me comfortable. Recovery has been all about character, not comfort, for me. I now do lots of stuff that I don't FEEL like doing....because ....well someone suggested that it would be the best thing for me to do.

I take the advice of others much more than I take my own, which is one reason AA has worked for me.

blessings, and keep coming.
zbear

Hevyn

Hi Dinkee, pleased to meet you. I was just like you - I read on here for awhile before getting the courage to just lay it down. The things I read were enlightening, encouraging and filled me with hope. I needed to be ready, though. It sounds like you are finally tired of the drama and chaos.

I felt very alone with it too - no one in my life had a problem with alcohol. Those who knew about my addiction couldn't understand why I didn't just say no. It's far too complicated to explain to the 'normies". It seems so obvious - just stop doing that which is harming you and making your life hell! Yet I struggled with it for 25 yrs. until I found SR and the people who dwell here. I know you can do this and have a whole new life, one spent truly enjoying your family, not being numb or foggy. Let us know how it's going for you!