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Doing good except....

Old 03-20-2010, 01:02 PM
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Looking For Myself...Sober
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Doing good except....

Well, I am doing alot better now that I stopped trying to sabotage myself.
My family even co-signed my BS as usual and I still made the responsible decision to stay. Because I know I need to.
BUT....Theres some stuff going on with my gram. She has lost like 20 lbs in a month and a half. I just gave her $900 like 2 weeks ago and she is already gone through it??!! I gave that to her because she paid 250 to fix my tires and then that should cover the car insurance for the time I am here and still leave her a couple hundred to keep her checking account out of the minus.
I know she paid some of her dr bill co pays. But she just got her check too.
How is she going through $2000 in 2 weeks?
I dont get it.
I know she didnt spend it on nothing. But still!!
Plus this is the time of year she has all her annual medical tests.
They pulled some pollops from her upper GI and had to take a biopsy of something in her stomach. When I was there last weekend, she had a hard time getting the laundry out of the washer. I had to get it out for her.
The house is not clean like it usually is.
I left her with alot of responsibility. My 2 cats that she really shouldnt even be around and now she has to clean up after them. Which is hard cause they are shedding like crazy, one is in heat and she has alot of other stuff to do onh top of that.
She has 2 kids all day all week, sometimes 4.
I just havent seen our house look so unkept ..ever.
I dont know if she just hasnt had time, she cant get to it all, if its too much.
I called her Thurs and she tells me that her Dr wants to see her because she shouldnt have lost so much weight so fast. Then she tells me that people that have cancer lose weight like that.
Is she trying to tell me she wants or needs me back home?
I stayed the night last Sat and she told me Sun morning that she slept so good. Thats the best she has slept in a long time. And that it was probably because I was home.
She has depression and takes meds for it and has for years.
I may have to go home.
My cousin told me she hasnt cooked since I been gone and she hardly eats anything. Just some fruit here and there.
She rarely cooks for the kids when she has them too.
I am wondering if I shouldnt go home and just keep doing IOP and meetings.
But the house is really making the difference in me actually commiting and staying clean.
But then I wonder do I really need to be in the house as long as I keep doing IOP.
Then I dont know if I am just looking for a way out without really relizing it.
But I know the **** with my gram is real.
Its like she is telling me things she knows will make me want to go home.
I dont want her to be lonely or feel like that.
If she needs or even wants me to go home. I will do it.
I dont think my gram has ever lived by herself either.
I am going to see what happens tomorrow when I go home. I need to talk to her, but in a way where she will be honest with me and not worry about what I need to do.
I can still go home and do my program.
I am also going to talk to my aunt and uncle.
Anyway.
Could use yalls insight.
Whether I want to go home or not. I know I need to stay if I can.
But if my gram cant handle being alone. I dont care, I draw the line there.
I will go home.
But either way the real work happens at IOP and even more so at meetings.
The house is just a security blanket really.
I dont know.
I hate feeling unsure all the time now.
Its like I cant make a decision because I dont know if its really clear unbias thinking or I have some alterior motive I am not completely aware of.
Does that make sense?
I can not afford to F up.
I am so dead serious, I am done with the back and forth using and not using.
I cant go back. And I need to do this right or I am just wasting my time.
Thanks for letting me vent
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Old 03-20-2010, 01:25 PM
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Thank you for sharing and being honest--which is something I have always admired about you--your ability to just throw it all out there...how you feel, what's going on with you. Reaching out/asking for help during a tough time when, also while still new to being clean the emotions are still sometimes all over the place. You said it yourself--you must stay clean.

"the house is really making the difference in me actually commiting and staying clean.
But then I wonder do I really need to be in the house ...."


Either way--recovery must come first--whether you choose to leave and continue with meetings/IOP or stay in the house is your decision to make. If you decide to leave and try to make it work at home and if things don't work out, would going back to this sober living facility still be an option---could you go back later if you needed to as long as you were still doing the recovery deal. "Brother"--I won't tell you what to do, but I would suggest prayer. I know that helps me when I feel torn--when I don't know which way to go....what decision to make...I take those thoughts directly to my Higher Power. Just know that you are not alone. You have many people here that care about you and want the best for you and your recovery. Spend time with your family tomorrow and talk with your Aunt and Uncle--maybe then you will be able to better decide what to do or at least come to a conclusion and also hopefully have some "peace of mind" about it.
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Old 03-20-2010, 02:31 PM
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Hi Trish,

First of all, I'm glad you're hanging in there and doing well.

It could be that your gram is not well physically or maybe the amount of work she has to do has become too much and she's not able to keep up with it. I think you need to stay focused on your own recovery and try to not worry too much about your grandmother. I hope you get some insight tomorrow.
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Old 03-20-2010, 02:37 PM
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I agree with Angie and Anna, Trish. Your recovery should be a priority.

However, talking to your Grams and letting her know about your concerns might be helpful. Maybe she misses you... Or maybe she's going through some stuff of her own. Whatever the case, communication is important.

I know just how much you love her but, unless she's in trouble, setting some healthy boundaries to avoid codependency might be a good idea - I don't mean to sound harsh, btw, I'm trying to put things in perspective.

I'm glad you're doing well xo
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Old 03-20-2010, 02:52 PM
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Hi Trish

I know you'll be feeling really torn about this.

The way I see it - the best place for you is where you are - and the best Trish you can be for your family is gonna come out of what you're doing there now.

Its putting the oxygen mask on you first so you can be together later.

Leaving there, going back to the same old situation, however noble the intent - forget about our opinions, can you honestly say to yourself it's gonna be any different?

The fact is Trish - you have a pretty large extended family. You're doing what you need to do right now...if your grams needs help it's time for someone else to step up to the plate.

Failing that, are there any community services available? I know I get help cleaning and stuff for a nominal fee. There must be options like that around?

You have an enormous heart Trish - but think this through carefully - this isn't about being selfish, it's about becoming who you need to be

big hugs
D
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Old 03-20-2010, 03:59 PM
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Thumbs up

Originally Posted by Aysha View Post
I stayed the night last Sat and she told me Sun morning that she slept so good. Thats the best she has slept in a long time. And that it was probably because I was home.
She has depression and takes meds for it and has for years.
I may have to go home.
My cousin told me she hasnt cooked since I been gone and she hardly eats anything. Just some fruit here and there.
She rarely cooks for the kids when she has them too.
I am wondering if I shouldnt go home and just keep doing IOP and meetings.
But the house is really making the difference in me actually commiting and staying clean.
But then I wonder do I really need to be in the house as long as I keep doing IOP.
Then I dont know if I am just looking for a way out without really relizing it.
But I know the **** with my gram is real.
Its like she is telling me things she knows will make me want to go home.
I dont want her to be lonely or feel like that.
If she needs or even wants me to go home. I will do it.
I am so dead serious, I am done with the back and forth using and not using.
I cant go back. And I need to do this right or I am just wasting my time.
((Trish)), one of the most difficult things to face in our recovery is just how much others are suffering in their own lives. In facing that we always can see ways to lessen their sufferings, even at the expense of our own lives. Yes, it can get that bad that we would give up whats right for ourselves to give aid to another. We've all been there someway or another, my experiences and thinking tells me.

That kind of sacrifice dont make it right though. There will always be persons you love who will suffer, and it will happen with you being clean or not. I'd even say that your using blunted out some of their suffering from you feeling it directly because of your own sufferings from using. My using did for me, block alot of it out, making it easier to understand my family's sufferings.

Yes, it does get raw and you want to do something right now about it all. And you are doing something. Keep doing what you are doing, Trish. Nothing changes if nothing changes, we all know that first hand. Soon enough you will be living the life you have dreamed of for years.... just a little more.... almost there...((Trish))

sorry for your present difficulties. Keep Rockin'!!!



Rob
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Old 03-20-2010, 06:07 PM
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I am an addict and need to always put my recovery first and then I will be able to deal with life. My dis-ease will tell me in maay different ways to take a break.

So if your like me Trish, always put your recovery 1st, always.

Kevin
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Old 03-20-2010, 06:18 PM
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I think you're beginning to see reality around you -
and you see just how unwell your grandmother is...

it's natural to want to alleviate her load by picking up your own responsibility.

25lbs in a month... is serious.
i'm surprised she's not in a hospital for that.

I'm putting this together -
but is the house
or the being with famly
some kind of trigger for you?

BUT -
one thing I can tell you AS A GRANDMOTHER MYSELF -
if your arms aren't broke -
you could DANG SURE be at my house cleaning up after your OWN cats.
And cleaning up THEIR mess (hair fleas etc.) from MY house.

It's absolytely no kind of step OUT of the alcoholic thinking
to expect that when MY recovery comes first
YOUR world goes to crap.

No.

That's NOT what it is.

I'm only capitalizing words for their emphasis because that's how I talk.

I'm not judging you or anything like that
but it looks to me like if you're SEEING
the extra load you've put on family -
then it's time to buck up and take up your OWN load again.

If moving back in is a big thing-
then arrange time to get the care of your OWN animals off her
so she can get well.

You don't have to buy into any guilt trip or anythng like that...
just step up the time and effort to give her a break.

That's meeting life ... on life's terms.
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Old 03-21-2010, 09:45 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
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Thx everyone.
I went and bought the cats those food and water dishes that you fill up and they have the big containers so you dont have to do it everyday. So that will help some.
I bought her a sticky roller for the couch and chairs to get the cat hair when she needs to. But when I come home on the weekend I am going to start giving them baths and brushing them the best I can. I have been buying all their stuff they need. Food, litter, and all that.
I need to get on the ball and get my kitten (1yr old) spayed.
But thats kinda hard to do when I am where I am.
When we got back to the house today she told me how she saw a news report on tv that lonliness can cause high blood pressure.
I asked her if she had high blood pressure and she said yes.
I am at my aunts right now and they didnt even know that her Dr wanted to see her for the weight loss.
And both my cousin and my aunt and uncle told me she doesnt cook at all or hardly eat anymore.
I know my recovery comes first. I really do relize that.
But as much as my gram sacrificed for me all these years. If she needs or even just wants me home. I am going to go home.
I could never forgive myself if she got sick or wasnt feeling good because of things I have or have not done. Even as simple as her feeling safe and comfortable knowing I am home with her.
The house has made me commit to meetings and IOP.
But I think now that I have a good sober support network going and I do see the importance and how serious they take IOP.
And I want this now more than ever.
Also now I like going to meetings. I get bored sometimes at them. But the connections I have made with people are phenominal.
I really look forward to being around those people. I feel like I belong somewhere.
I feel like I have a group of friends now. Its hard to explain.
You know how they say NA will ruin your high for the rest of your life now.
I know exactly what they mean.
I couldnt imagine getting high now and not thinking about everything I know about the fellowship.
Its like a whole different lifestyle.
I am sorry to say. I will probably be coming home sometime this week.
But I want to do it right. I need to talk to both my councelors before I do anything.
I want to keep my chair commitment on Mondays.
I just dont want to burn any bridges anymore.
I need to have a plan for everything now because I dopnt want to just do things on impulse anymore.
I have been thinking on this for weeks now.
I just told my aunt and she like exploded with relief telling me that she is glad. And now some of the truth is coming out.
I dont think they wanted to say anything because they didnt want to sway my decision too much.
But now that I told them I am co,ming home...she is telling me things I didnt know. That my gram doesnt like being home at night by herself and she isnt cooking for herself or even buying food for herself.
I dont know.
I feel like I can do this as long as I keep my connection with my program as far as finishing IOP and meetings.
I have a new appreciation for all that now. And it is very important to me.
I think I can stay commited now. because I dont have to go to but 5 meetings a week and I still go to 7.
I have to do what my heart says.
I wont be going back to work tho until I get closer to finishing IOP.
I guess I have alot to do and think about this week.
I am def going to make sure I have my resources in place and leave on good terms and have another plan like getting transferred to the IOP closer in place.
I wont leave until then. And if my counselors dont agree. I will have to work out a compromise then. I will not just up and leave against their word.
I feel like I totally rambled.
I am sry. But I am so glad I have you guys to come to.
I will throw this to my sponsor and my peers too.
Thx for being here guys.

I just want to add that its not about other family members stepping up. They have all helped the whole time. Even when I was home. Thats how my family is. We are all very close and always help each other all the time. Thats just what we do. And no one but me can make her feel better if she is feeling like she is. Its been me and her since I was a baby. Its just like I feel if shes not around for me. It just isnt right cause me and her are so close.
Call it what you want..codependent or whatever. Sometimes there isnt a need for bounderies because they may just make things worse in some situations. These arent bad things.
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Old 03-21-2010, 10:26 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
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((Trish)) - I do understand how you feel about grams. I feel the same way about my dad. I put him through hell, though I never lived in his house while using, but still..I put him through a lot, and he's put the roof over my head these past 4 years while I've struggled to get back on my feet. I've contributed when I could, help out when I can.

I just want you to know what I'm facing, since I'm older than you...because the time will most likely come. My dad is 70, stepmom is 63. Though he is pretty darned healthy, he is the breadwinner for this family. Stepmom....well, her health is failing, majorly depressed, and she really, really likes her pills She and I have our issues, but I love her dearly. Then, there's my 16-year-old niece that we're raising.

There is no savings, nothing to fall back on. If dad gets hurt or can't work, um..I can't support this household. I just NOW got another job, starting at 25 cents above minimum wage - start on Wed. If stepmom gets to where she can't get around, neither dad, nor I can stay home and take care of her. There is no money for "a home".

This scares me, as I have no siblings to help, and my step-siblings, well lets just say the one who COULD financially help, CAN'T physically, because of her own severe health issues.

Sooooo, to make my point, I constantly have to remind myself that though I WANT to be able to take care of my family, that though I feel I OWE it to them because they have always been there for me, I have limitations. There are going to be some things I JUST CAN NOT DO, no matter how bad I want it, no matter how much I feel like I should and I won't sacrifice my recovery for it and it really does boil down to that.

Even now that I passed my 3-year-birthday, when I get stressed out over things going on here at the house (like this morning), my sanity is jeopardized and I have to get back to the basics...focus on me and my recovery.

Recovery is going to HAVE to stay a top priority if you come home. I'm here to tell ya, being back around familiar stuff and stresses will push a lot of buttons and if you don't have that strong foundation, it's going to be tough.

You CAN do it, but it's not easy. Make SURE you use all the support you've got, okay?

Love, hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 03-21-2010, 11:25 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
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(((Trish)))

In my recoveries, it was my daughter, who was also struggling, who had to come second in my life...and that choice eventually, broke the unhealthy tie between us and turned out to be a gift that freed both of us....

Part of my recovery was freeing myself from our codependent relationship. I could not heal while engaged in the unhealthy relationship between us, and that was very difficult to face, understand, and then to choose to change my ownership in it.

It was a challenge, as I struggled to set boundaries and she tried to maintain the status quo, but I came to see that choosing to take care of me, did not translate into loving or caring about her any less, quite the opposite.

I knew if I was ever going to become whole again, I had to make me a priority first....nobody else was going to....

Trish I don't know if my little share helps any but I really understand how difficult this is for you, and I am behind you, whatever you decide.
You and grams are in my prayers
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Old 03-21-2010, 11:56 AM
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Whatever you decide, be good to yourself. Keep yourself healthy and happy and grateful. Love ya Trish!
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Old 03-21-2010, 01:08 PM
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hey trish!! good to hear another update from you.

As for the situation with your family, im not going to give you advice about it, I dont know your family dynamics. With that being said, I just want to ask you a question.

What do you think would benefit your grams and entire family in the long run? You staying as long as you possibly can in rehab, learning coping tools, building new sober friendships THEN coming out when you are positive that you have a solid foundation of recovery, or, rushing yourself a bit because things arent ideal for your grandma and then possibly relapsing and starting the cycle all over again. At the very least you should just think about it and discuss it with your counselors at rehab and see what they think.


Oh and on a sidenote, I totally know what you mean about the getting high after having been in NA. All our drugs are now cut heavily with the Narcotics Anonymous program hahaha. ~~ Scott
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Old 03-21-2010, 05:19 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
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Trish,

There is lots of good advice here, so I just want to add my continued prayers for your recovery. Remember, that you deserve a good life.
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