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Need Your Opinion Please

Old 03-20-2010, 04:13 AM
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Need Your Opinion Please

I just found this site, and after reading some of the posts, I'm glad I did. My wife of 39 years is an alcohloic in complete denial. She doesn't work outside the home (I do) and drinks every day. In the last four days she has drank two 1.75 liters of gin and one of wine. Everyday when I come home, she is in some stage/degree of intoxication. When I choose to confront her, it always ends in an argument with her telling me that I'm trying to control her. I have no agenda there, I just want a sober wife.

My question is this; I usually have one drink each day (never more) when I get home, to unwind. Am I contributing to my wife's alcoholism?? And, to be honest with you and myself, do I have a problem with alcohol that makes me want that 'one' drink every day?

I have a saying that I like to use......"I'm not in denial...I'm just selective about the reality that I accept". Therefore, is my reality about myself well based, and am I wrong for confronting my wife?

Thanks for reading and I look forwad to your replies.
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Old 03-20-2010, 04:34 AM
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Hi aguyintx

Personally, noone else ever made me drink, guy - I just availed myself of every opportunity I came across.

I have no personal experience to offer here but I know others here do and I know they will share their thoughts

You might also want to look at our Friends and Family forum.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/

Have you considered a support group for yourself like AlAnon? I think having some kind of support network is vital.

You'll find a lot of support and strength here anyway - welcome to SR
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Old 03-20-2010, 04:46 AM
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Hi aguyintx,

Welcome to SR

I dont think I could have given up the alcohol with someone in my life still drinking, at least not now. I am 41 and have been abusing alcohol for 25years and I can tell you that it all goes down hill at this age. I wish I would have stopped sooner, I guess better late that never.

Try to get her some help somehow because it is only going to get worse. Mabey instead of having a drink when you get home go for a walk or do something to help you unwind. I am by no means an expert about alcoholism, "besides the fact that I know how it has ruined my life until now" but drinking everyday in my opinion is a problem.

You have found the right place for support and information, there are lots of great people on this site that probably have gone through the same type of situation that you are in.

Hang in there and get her some help, best of luck to you and your wife.
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Old 03-20-2010, 06:06 AM
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She won't stop drinking until/unless SHE wants to stop. Sounds like she hasn't hit her 'bottom' yet. Do visit the friends and family of alcoholics forum for information and experience from those who have been, or still are in your position.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 03-20-2010, 06:17 AM
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Welcome aguyintx! It's great you found us. I've been on both sides of this thing. I was the wife of an alcoholic (now dead) who never did see the light. Nothing I said got through to him, & I never reached out to Al-Anon for guidance - wish I had. We drank together and had alot of fun with it long ago, so I was shocked when I realized he was drinking all day, even at work. You'll hear the phrase "alcoholism is a progressive disease". I'm probably around your wife's age, and over the years it brought me to my knees. I finally had to admit I'm an alcoholic also - it just took me a while longer to destroy my life.

We're all different when it comes to temptation - MahiMahi can't be around alcohol at all right now. For me, I'm not tempted by my "normie" husband having a few beers. I know picking up again will kill me, so it's not an option. It sounds like your one drink a night is just a habit, not a necessity. Maybe you could try not having it for awhile & see how it goes.

I'm sure your wife is miserable in the trap she finds herself in. I hope she will decide to participate in life once again. Please let us know how it's going for you.
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Old 03-20-2010, 07:27 AM
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I'm sorry to hear your going through that.
i dont believe you can contribute to others alcoholism.

i would suggest giving your partner as much information as possible.
nearest AA meeting...aa helpline number......web address for SR.

it maybe that your partner is alcoholic.....please dont be ashamed.......it is common and there are solutions IF she wants help it is possible to live a contented life without booze.

please be aware that it is dangerous to stop drinking abruptly.

can you get your partner to come to SR?....
my names Shaun I'm a alcoholic if i can be of anyhelp please pm me..
if you cant pm because you dont have enough post...just keep posting till you do..

god be with you and your partner.
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Old 03-20-2010, 09:04 AM
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Welcome to SR. Please keep reading and posting. Lots of good people here.
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Old 03-20-2010, 09:12 AM
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Hi and Welcome!

There's lots of good advice here.
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Old 03-20-2010, 09:54 AM
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AGuy, I think there might be some value to looking at the dynamics between the two of you, but I would not want you to think you "contribute to your wife's alcoholism." My understanding of being an alcoholic is that I lived a fairly regular life by having a job and interacting in the world but I was also living a life where I was the only person in the universe. She may have that experience, I don't know. Sometimes alcoholics do congregate (I used to do the bars, used to wind up with friends who drank a lot, and also wound up with romantic partners who had at least a drinking issue, I'll call it, if not alcoholism). Alcoholism runs the whole gamut of combinations. But the alcoholism is experienced by the person who drinks, it's their relationship with alcohol.

When it comes to your "unwind" routine, maybe there is an issue with that, I don't know. Depends on how you feel when you read what I said above or what other people say. A lot of years ago, a friend took me to an AA meeting. I heard a lady there talk about how people were astonished that she was an alcoholic because she had something like 2 glasses of wine every month or two - something that would make most people think "What is she talking about, that's not an alcoholic." But she described the place it took her, the way she was able to bury herself in this sort of theater of feelings and then return to life again. I have no recollection of what she said abotu her marriage. Years later I am able to grasp what she meant a lot more, she knew what she was talking about (it was her relationship with alcohol that told the story of alcoholism and suffering, not so much how much she did it or with whom or when - more like the fact that she used it). If it would create some kind of hardship not to have your unwind session with alcohol, maybe that needs to be investigated.

Do you think she would have a complaint that she feels controled by you if alcohol were not in the picture? That might be the case, I have no idea. There could be a need to look at your relationship together, but alcoholism and recovery is an experience that happens inside one person.
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Old 03-20-2010, 10:05 AM
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Hi there - 1 - I agree with the others. You are not contributing to her alcoholism. She is squarely responsible for that. 2 - I think that if she is always in some state of intoxication, you will not be able to reach her with any discussion of her issues, and that interaction will always always turn into a fight. 3 - in my humble opinion, I seriously doubt that you have a problem with alcohol. If you're literally having only one drink every evening, I see that more as a habit/routine, than run away drinking taking over your life, and/or causing intolerable consequences to you work/relationships/self.

I think your wife needs help. You need help to deal with this. Many talk about al-anon being wonderful for family members.

You may want to look up an addiction counselor as well. If your wife is drinking this much, she may need a medical detox.

Finally - my heart goes out to you.
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Old 03-20-2010, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by aguyintx View Post
I just found this site, and after reading some of the posts, I'm glad I did. My wife of 39 years is an alcohloic in complete denial. She doesn't work outside the home (I do) and drinks every day. In the last four days she has drank two 1.75 liters of gin and one of wine. Everyday when I come home, she is in some stage/degree of intoxication. When I choose to confront her, it always ends in an argument with her telling me that I'm trying to control her. I have no agenda there, I just want a sober wife.

My question is this; I usually have one drink each day (never more) when I get home, to unwind. Am I contributing to my wife's alcoholism?? And, to be honest with you and myself, do I have a problem with alcohol that makes me want that 'one' drink every day?

I have a saying that I like to use......"I'm not in denial...I'm just selective about the reality that I accept". Therefore, is my reality about myself well based, and am I wrong for confronting my wife?

Thanks for reading and I look forwad to your replies.
Try switching to Tea for a while,....see if you notice a difference in the situation.(not drinking can't hurt) I don't think your wrong for trying to comfort your wife but if she rejects it,...maybe not do it. Sometimes small changes can help. See if she notices. Maybe just be cool,...and follow her lead. But try the Tea thing,..if alcohol isn't an issue for you this change won't bother you. Maybe counseling might be an option?
"just a thought"
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Old 03-20-2010, 10:37 AM
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Originally Posted by aguyintx View Post

My question is this; I usually have one drink each day (never more) when I get home, to unwind. Am I contributing to my wife's alcoholism?? And, to be honest with you and myself, do I have a problem with alcohol that makes me want that 'one' drink every day?
Yes and No!

Don't expect your wife to listen to you if you are talking one thing with your words and doing another actions. I might be a good idea to refrain from drinking till she gets some recovery under her belt.

I can't see where you yourself have a problem with alcohol but you might want to pursue recovery yourself or get involved with Al-anon to learn more about the disease. Also try:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 03-20-2010, 09:20 PM
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hey tex-

I don't know you well enough to say,
but the way you wrote that,
my 'gut reaction' was 'passive-agressive', yeah.

(re: the 'have to have a drink every night' in front of her statement)

Why not come over to the Friends and Family Forums and introduce yourself?

There's a GREAT bunch of people over there, and TONS of first hand experience.


Welcome to SoberRecovery !
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Old 03-21-2010, 06:04 AM
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Thanks guys for the advise, but I think last night was the end. As usual, she was intoxicated and got on the phone with our son (grown) and told him a lot of things that wasn't true about me. I've made the decision that I've been as miserable as I'm going to allow myself to be, and I'm moving out. I'm fairly sure that she can't make it on her own, but I refuse to allow her alcoholism to kill the both of us. Thanks again for all your comments, and I wish all of you the best of luck in your soberiety.
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Old 03-21-2010, 03:31 PM
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Originally Posted by aguyintx View Post
Thanks guys for the advise, but I think last night was the end. As usual, she was intoxicated and got on the phone with our son (grown) and told him a lot of things that wasn't true about me. I've made the decision that I've been as miserable as I'm going to allow myself to be, and I'm moving out. I'm fairly sure that she can't make it on her own, but I refuse to allow her alcoholism to kill the both of us. Thanks again for all your comments, and I wish all of you the best of luck in your soberiety.
good luck hope you keep in touch
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Old 03-21-2010, 03:49 PM
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good luck to you tx

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