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Things Destroyed

Old 03-18-2010, 10:04 PM
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Things Destroyed

I am very new to the recovery process and just want to feel human again. I'm afraid of the detox process because it might reveal my secret. (Closet drunk) I get sober for a couple of days then my body starts to show signs on my addiction. For some ungodly reason I feel that I have to keep that secret, so I drink again. It is completely insane. I get that. But hey, that is what addiction does right? Makes you bat crap crazy. I have been on the board for a couple of weeks now and it has helped me so much. Makes me feel that I am not alone.

I am really struggling with regret these days. I get sober only to see myself fall back again. Me trying to protect my stupid secret. Gah, I just don't get it! Why am I destroying everything to protect this stupid little bottle? Why in the hell am I so afraid of telling the people I care about that I am an alcoholic?
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Old 03-18-2010, 10:35 PM
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It's not imperitive you tell everyone you are an alcoholic.

I think those close to you might already guess
you are having some type of problems.
Heck! it might be a relief to them to know what is
going on and how you are planning to get sorted out.


Why not have an honest face to face talk?
Start with 2 loved ones.....why hide the truth?
Your way is not working out to your benefit.

Please be brave....and take action...
Recovery really rocks.
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Old 03-18-2010, 10:54 PM
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Hi BlueBlaze

First off, I know lots of folks here who've never said a word to anyone, but they got sober. Don't let your alcoholic mind rationalise excuses for you.

To be frank, there's no valid excuse for drinking once we accept what it does to us.

I think it's common not to want to be 'revealed' tho, and I get it...I spent a lot of time rotating liquor stores and hiding empties, making excuses why I couldn't do things when I was hungover or strung out...you're not alone. I spent years drinking trying to maintain the facade. Insanity.

I think Carol's right tho - we like to think we've got the lid down tight and noone knows...but *very* few of us are actually that good - I'm pretty sure those close to you probably know more than you think.

I told everybody - only to find they already knew....and looking back, I really did have a big neon sign on my head. You might have one too, I dunno.

Whether or not your secrets safe or not, your drinking is harming you.
The only way out is to stop.

I think secrets can be harmful, and I believe support is vital, but it's up to you.

Tell people, don't tell people - but don't drink over it, BB. That's just picking at the wound.

D
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Old 03-18-2010, 11:08 PM
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[QUOTE=BlueBlaze;2545479]I get sober for a couple of days then my body starts to show signs on my addiction.QUOTE]

I am trying to understand this? Are you saying after about 48 hours you show bad signs of withdrawals like Sweats, shakes, etc? I ask because that is about the time the WD peaks for many alcoholics. I am not sure how much you drink though. It is different for everyone. I think you should go see your DR and let him/her know exactly what you shared here. They might prescribe something to get you 4-5 days down the road and out of the tough WD process. At least then you can start to work on your recovery and not worry about anyone seeing signs of WDs.

Also, IMO, I would not tell a lot of people you are trying to get sober early on. I would only tell very close family and friends that love you and that you trust. Later on, after you are down the road, you can make an educated decision about who to tell and what to tell them. Right now just take things easy and focus on staying sober ONE day at a time.
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Old 03-18-2010, 11:36 PM
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Originally Posted by BlueBlaze View Post
...Makes you bat crap crazy. I have been on the board for a couple of weeks now and it has helped me so much. Makes me feel that I am not alone.
Welcome, Blue. No, you are not alone by any stretch of the imagination. It was easy for me to keep my drinking private, live alone, a loner type to begin with. I'd get 3-4 days sober cuz I didn't want to live the way I was living anymore, but then I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and I'd be off rotating liquor stores, making excuses for not showing up like Dee, ignoring bills, dishes, laundry, my hygiene, my health, my car, my bike, family, friends, work, etc.

A few years ago, when I told a few family members and 1 or 2 friends that I was-then in detox, going to oupatient, starting going to 12 step meetings, they were all surprised. No one had a clue. Now I mention on occasion to them that I'm headed into a meeting or club or doing a sober event, but they don't ask about it. They don't know the whole story anyways, but some of my closer sober friends do.

All I know is I can't pick up the bottle today...I don't want 'bat crap crazy' on my to-do list today.
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Old 03-19-2010, 04:54 AM
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Blue, I stopped drinking on Feb. 16 when I found this forum through google...I had been home sick from work and hadn't yet started drinking that night...and i haven't had a drink since that time....

I've only told ONE person about my inner struggle...the rest i just mention that my doctor advised me not to drink as it interfers with my meds...however, as time goes on, a few friends/co-workers comment on the drastic change in my demeanor, energy and my appearance....I do enjoy hearing that and now know that my problems were more visable than I thought.
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Old 03-19-2010, 05:26 AM
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I am very new to the recovery process and just want to feel human again. I'm afraid of the detox process because it might reveal my secret. (Closet drunk)
Don't count on it. When I "came out of the closet" with my drinking issues I was surprised that many people knew or strongly suspected I had an issue, even people that lived 2000 miles away. My experiences in AA have made me realize this is fairly common. We as alkies think we are hiding it well but we aren't/
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Old 03-19-2010, 05:30 AM
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Blue-
You are definately not alone! I am kinda new and therefore don't have much advice to give. I do agree with the posters who said that people probably already know. But you do not have to tell everyone either. Please put yourself first. This is your life we are talking about here.
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Old 03-19-2010, 06:30 AM
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Withdrawals are going to have that affect on you after a few days, that is when you need to be true to yourself, and push through it. It seems like its the end of the world, and that your all alone. Its not, and your not. You must make that choice to not pick up, you will NOT get help until YOU help yourself, and they way you do that is by making the choice not to pick up. Drink water, and gatorade, and grab some candy for the cravings, and keep the thoughts fresh in your mind of what has made you want to stop drinking. Write it down, so when you go into the craze, you can pick up that notebook and read why it is you want to stop and before you know it the cravings will be gone, your mind will start to come out of the fog, and NO MORE HANGOVERS yeah!!
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Old 03-19-2010, 02:06 PM
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Yuck. This just stinks. Trying again after another setback. I feel that is all I do. Try again and always fail. I want to give up. So basically you are all reading my diary. It's freeing in an odd way. I am just going to let it all out...

Something happened to me last Sunday that just broke me completely.

My father was/is an alcoholic. All my life growing up I remember him not being there for me. Like really being there ya know. He was never a bad man. No abuse, physical or verbal. He is a good man with a terrible disease. I just remember him being drunk all the time and not being there when I needed him. That is what sticks into my head. (Daddy issues huh?)

Flash forward years later and I am not a kid anymore. I am a man now. With my own family. (I began to date a woman with 2 children when I was 19...she was 29. Yep, that is probably weird enough to read...but you can't stop true love. She had a daughter in high school and another one shortly before we got together.) We had a wonderful relationship. Never had a bad word between us.

Then we grew apart. She began her career teaching while I just tried to protect the secret of my drinking. (Ouch....that was hard to read back...yuck.) Anyway, we grew apart. I accept that. Nothing is ever going to be a fairy tale in a relationship. Fine, got it, understand it. Life is what it is ya know.

Her daughters and I had become very close. The youngest one I felt was my daughter while the oldest one I tired to be there for. I truly did. But to be honest, she never felt like she was my child. Hell, I am 26...she is 19. What kind of advice could I give her? I was just at that age myself.

But the eight year old....she was always my daughter. The reason I kept the secret. I never wanted to show her the alcoholic inside of me. It would remind me of my father. The person I swore I would never become. I always wanted to be there for her. I really do feel that in the fog of alcoholism over the past few years, I really was there for her. Honestly was really there. I can see all the people I have hurt in my head. I feel it. My stupid mistakes with everything regarding my alcohol abuse. I honestly feel like she was the one thing that said "STOP!! STOP!" And I always did. She was my energy that kept me alright. She was the light. I always stayed sober for her. I don't believe in God but she was the closest thing.

So Sunday happens...

We are out to dinner and the waitress asks me if she is my daughter. Of course I say "yes" like usual when we are confronted with that question. We have talked many times before about how to deal with the, "you are not really my Dad, but sorta are part". It was always no big deal. I was always her "Dad."

A couple of minutes later she looks at me and says, " You don't have to say you are my Dad." I thought that was kinda strange. Always been fine before. So we leave the restaurant and drive to a pet shop. Of course, it is closed. I park the car and text the ex what she said. We both thought it was odd for her to say something like that.

So I begin talking to her about what she said. Told her that even if the relationship between her Mom and I changed, I would always love her the same way. That she would always be my a daughter..

Her reply, " I never thought of you as a Dad. We are friends. Just friends."


All the lies, all the secrets slapped me right across the face.My entire life was to try to protect her from the monster in my brain. I even freaking failed at that. Not only did I fail at being a sober human being....I failed at protecting the people I love truly care about.

Yep, guess you could say this is rock bottom. I don't care anymore to be honest. Just totally broken.
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Old 03-19-2010, 02:20 PM
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Hey BB

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm not sure you failed anyone tho.

I know from my experience kids have some amazingly definite ideas about things, and they're pretty candid too.

I'm sure she does appreciate and love you, and I bet will do so even more in the coming years, BB.

D
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Old 03-19-2010, 02:25 PM
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It's ironic how that happens, but yes, it does. My goal in life was to be 'not like my mother'. Well, for a long time it went pretty well, but then when my kids were teens, I began drinking. Alcohol, I believe, steals from us the things that are most near and dear.

When we are drinking, even closet drinkers as I was, other people know. They know a lot more than we realize.

Do this for yourself, and know that you can recover.

Talk to your dr about detoxing and know that you will find lots of support here.
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Old 03-19-2010, 06:30 PM
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I feel like I am truly not addressing the real issue. That I am only going on the internet and just complaining about my life. The problems the ex's daughter and I have are fixable if I finally come to terms with what I am. The reality is that I am still a closet alcoholic. I can make every excuse in the book right now to why I drink. Family problems...job...hell, the fact that I have not built some wacky time machine out of an 80's car and garbage is an excuse. Any excuse my brain finds to drink...it will Starting to truly understand now that the booze is what is really making the excuses. It is always going to say, " Drink me no matter what." What happened over the weekend with me just made the booze mind rub it's hands together and say, " Yes! This is where we finally get him!" And you know what...it might be what gets me. I have lied to my family and myself for so long, what do I have to lose coming on here and sharing my deepest secrets? Absolutely nothing.

Everyone on this website has been nothing but kind and understanding. God, it is such a relief to finally let go of the mask and just open up. I am actually looking forward to going to a meeting in a couple of days. Can you believe that? My cynical ass is actually looking forward to it. You guys have really helped take the stigma that I had of AA out of my mind.

Yep, crying now....( I hate it!!)

This is saving my life.
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Old 03-19-2010, 06:49 PM
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I am actually looking forward to going to a meeting in a couple of days. Can you believe that? My cynical ass is actually looking forward to it. You guys have really helped take the stigma that I had of AA out of my mind.
Wonderful. I think you have found a good place to vent. Everybody needs to. Keep reading and posting. It has really helped me and continues to do so. This site has so much information on it ... look around. And welcome to SR.
Don't drink today.
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Old 03-19-2010, 07:19 PM
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yes sir its a cool place...Folk give it straight no beatin about the bush...In the nicest possible way...Were stopping drinking seemed an impossibility, its now a real credibility..Best of luck to you to Blueblaze..
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Old 03-19-2010, 07:51 PM
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Thank God for pretzel sticks and Netflix right now. Oh wow, this stinks. Withdraws....

Feel like I am going to vomit. My stomach is killing me. Wow..this stinks.

On the upside though, I can feel my sense of humor start to come back a tiny bit. I feel like absolute crap physically but I actually had a legit smile tonight for the first time in a while.

Alright...so more Netflix watching and board browsing for me tonight.

Thank you
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Old 03-21-2010, 09:49 AM
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Had my worst WD last night. Awake untl 6:00am just drenched in sweat. So here I am at day 2 again. I see a pattern of me falling back that day. Uh....

So I am going to exercise, run to the store and get some vitamins, and drink plenty of water today. Hope it helps.

That and I am going to call the doctor tomorrow.This is getting absurd. If you read back through some of posts I talk about how I am a closet drunk. Talk about how good I think I am at hiding it. Talk about my ego...things of that nature. I had a moment last night where I thought to myself, " It's not never again..it's always going to be this" unless I don't get true help. Can't do this on my own. I would rather still be alive than protect my "not so secret" secret.

Probably have to go to a detox center for a few days. It terrifies me, but at least they have some medication that can help with the symptoms.
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Old 03-21-2010, 10:23 AM
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get a good multi and some B-complex and some milk thistle...drink a lot of fluids, juice and i liked this apple-chamomile tea by twinings, it has relaxing properties....

I chose to quit drinking while battling a GI virus...a double-whammy with some vomiting for about 5 days with lower GI upset too....but then i started to feel much better physically(and mentally), had kept to a light diet of broth and a few cooked veg., bland fruit and starches....a little sugar helped too....the last 3 days I did manage to drag myself to work....but my w/d symptoms were not as severe as yours sound.

hope you feel better and can get some sleep...that always helps.
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Old 03-21-2010, 11:22 AM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
get a good multi and some B-complex and some milk thistle...drink a lot of fluids, juice and i liked this apple-chamomile tea by twinings, it has relaxing properties....

I chose to quit drinking while battling a GI virus...a double-whammy with some vomiting for about 5 days with lower GI upset too....but then i started to feel much better physically(and mentally), had kept to a light diet of broth and a few cooked veg., bland fruit and starches....a little sugar helped too....the last 3 days I did manage to drag myself to work....but my w/d symptoms were not as severe as yours sound.

hope you feel better and can get some sleep...that always helps.
Thank you. I just bought some vitamin B and some herbal tea. Will go out and get the milk thistle when I feel a little better. Did not have enough cash on me at the time and did not really want to dry heave standing at the ATM.

Funny how this poison we put into our bodies makes us feel better. When we stop...we feel like absolute crap. That is the disease I guess. Realizing that now. My whole world is going to be turned upside down tomorrow. I really do hope they have a clue about how much drinking has been a struggle to me. Either way, they are going to find out tomorrow. I hope I am strong enough to handle it.
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Old 03-23-2010, 10:40 PM
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Eh, I failed again. The words were on the tip of my tongue when I took my brother out for lunch. They just didn't come out. I honestly think my family doesn't know how sever my alcoholism really is.

So I have been up for about 48 hours straight now. Not even tired. I don't know if I really care anymore. The insomnia is just another reminder of what I really am. Which is the hard part I have to deal with now. I have been sober for a couple of days, but what is the point? If "detoxing Michael" is no different than " usual drunk Michael" why should I even try? *sigh* I just don't care. Let the beast run.

Michael

(BTW, the edit your post button is a great tool when you have been up for 48 hours trying to convince yourself to stay sober)
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