Lost and depressed
 

I really don't even know where to begin...
I have been drinking pretty heavily for over 20 years....and I have been in denial for so long about my drinking... telling myself (and my husband) that I don't have a problem... that I can stop whenever I want to.
I was drinking the night before last and just kept going and going.... and then waking up and not remembering how or when I went to sleep. Something just hit me and it felt like a ton of bricks. I feel this huge weight on me right now. I am SO sad. I feel miserable. I hate the way I get and the things I do when I drink. I have children......and responsibilities. I can't be like this anymore.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed......and just don't even know how or what to tell my husband. I know my drinking has always concerned him. We have had several fights about it. My dh hardly ever drinks.... and I will usually have a couple of drinks while making dinner.... I can tell it bothers him. He tries to be cool about it....but I know.

What's really bizarre is he has drank the past 3 nights in a row. very unlike him. I don't want him to think I'm coming to this realization just because he has been drinking..... or that I don't want to drink with him. I hope I'm making sense here.

I feel like I'm rambling but I needed to get this off of my chest.... and I guess need some advice.
I just don't know if I should talk to him about this soon...... or if I should ponder all of this in silence and just wait a while...

I just don't know... :(

I've been in your spot.

The most important advice I can give is to go to an AA meeting, or to find some kind of group support. You'll be given a flurry of suggestions that will make your head spin and brain thinking. It's a lonely place to be. Isolation is our enemy. I'm fighting that little issue myself.

So, that's about all I can offer along with understanding.

That my friend is the obsession of the Mind that is referred to by many as a Disease. Not everyone believes the Disease Theory nor do we have to. But you just nailed it on the head, We still Tell Ourselves that We are Not Alkies!.. That will always be who we are and I can tell you from my own experience, that if you do Make this decision today that you are going to do something about it, I want you to know that it isn't going to be easy but as you can tell also here many of us are doing this Deal odaat One Day At A Time. So welcome aboard! Glad you posted I really needed to hear what you said.

Hello Sarra, and welcome!

I don't think it really matters if your dh thinks that you want to stop drinking because he's been drinking lately.

If it were me, I'd just be open and honest about how you feel, that you want to stop drinking and you'd like his support. Your husband may be immensely relieved.

I came from a home where one parent got to the point where "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" - which resulted in me having 2 parents who were unavailable for me. Not good for children.

Be honest...with your dh and yourself. Take care. Look forward to hearing from you.

I am new to the thought of actual recovery to be honest. So any advice I give might be crap...still going through changes ya know.

There are so many people here that really do care. Honestly. Please stay and look through other posts. It has helped me so much.

Hi Sarra,

I'm glad you recognize that it's time to change your life.

My suggestion is to focus on yourself. Whether or not your husband is drinking, you know what you need to do. Staying sober takes a lot of hard work and you'll find lots of support here.

Welcome Sarra. Try not to be down on yourself - guilt and shame are destructive emotions. The main thing is, you see the problem and know you want to get well. Many people never reach that point. Everything else will fall into place as you get the poison out of your system and grow stronger. Don't be overwhelmed with details right now.

I drank almost all of my adult life, and it was so hard to finally admit it was no longer fun or relaxing. All I was doing was making myself numb - not enjoying life - putting myself in danger & doing stupid things. My personality was so different when I drank - in the end, I just stumbled through my days not participating in life - just phoning it in. You deserve better than that. Congratulations for realizing it, and for reaching out for help.

Welcome to SR!:) I'm glad you joined the family. Lots of info and support here for those with addiction problems. Read our stories, ask your questions, you too can stop drinking. If you've been drinking a lot over a long time it might be a good idea to ask your doctor for medical help in getting thru detox. :grouphug:

Thank you all.. I appreciate your kind words and support.
I just really want to get out of this funk I'm feeling. I've battled depression all of my life... but I honestly can't figure out what triggered this episode. I've been more drunk. I've done worse things.... so the other night wasn't like my rock bottom (I've had a couple of those).
For whatever reason... I woke up and thought.... I really do have a problem with alcohol. Maybe just acknowledging it is what brought me down.
I have noticed over the years that a night of binge drinking is usually followed by a day of sadness and regret.... but it's been 2 days now so it just seems a bit more intense.

Either way.... I'm going to try and find the time to talk to my husband... and maybe once we discuss things... I can decide how to treat this.

Thank you again everyone. You guys have been very nice and welcoming.

90 days ago i posted here for the first time, my story sounded very similar to yours. logging on that day, and every day since has helped me not pick up since.
i still have a lot of work to do, but i can tell you that even after just 90 days, i feel much less lost and depressed than i did that first day. i still wake up every day with worries and the weight of responsibilities; but there is also this glorious moment each and every morning when i remember that i'm doing it. please believe me when i say that if i can do it, so can you. life improves a little each and every day.

Some great advice here Sarra.

I think sometimes we just reach the end, and don't want to live that way anymore you know?

This is a great place to be - stick around :)

D