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Nostalgic ramblings...

Old 03-17-2010, 06:23 AM
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Nostalgic ramblings...

Not for booze, I don't really view booze with any nostalgia anymore but this is something which has hit me hard today. Only in a nostalgic kind of way mindyou.

Those in USA probably have never heard of 'legal highs'. Basically they are mainly synthetic chemicals created with the sole use of recreational drug use but to get round the misuse of drugs act. This started off in New Zealand in early 2000's with BZP being sold in clubs as an alternative to Ecstacy, coke and speed.

When I got properly into drugs about 4.5 years ago it was these 'legal highs' that got me into the whole chemical scene. It is safe to say that I view the whole period of around 4-3 years ago very fondly, I loved BZP and TFMPP and used shed loads of pills. I used to love the fact that I could order online and have it delivered by the postman the next day and knew exactly what I was getting and it was always bang on and legal, so i used to pop em in pubs and clubs without caring at all, no paranoia about getting busted etcetc.

It felt sort of like my generations drug kind of. I loved them. However I always used to use them during drinking binges so I never liked one without the other really. I guess they were just a way to make drinking way more fun, and they did.

Anyway on my last binge my mates were telling me about the drug on the scene called 'mephedrone'. Not at all related to methadone but a synthetic chemical developed in about 2007. They were recomending it over MDMA. From that I knew it must have been some drug. However I got sober after that binge and they had just ran out so I never got to try it.

It has been in the media today about mephedrone as two kids have died whilst drinking and collapsing. Usual moral panic bullsh*t in the conservative press and this looks set to be made illegal the same as BZP was. It is ironic really that my cocaine addiciton started due to the government making BZP illegal so no head-shops sold it anymore. So I had to buy Coke and pills from dealers more often. I preffered the legal pills to the illegal crap that most delaers sold. They were often BZP anyway or speed.

Anyway I guess I am just feeling a little nostalgic about the whole period today, as it's my day off work, and I have been thinking about oldtimes at Camping holidays and music festival and just life in general... Dangerous I know!haha.

Anyway I know I am an alcoholic and that for me any drug would take me straight back to drink so it is out of the question. It isn't so much that I want to take any drugs anyway, but more just nostalgicallly remembering old-times back in the day taking BZP and just feeling like it was great. Something to really look forward to and just have a blast, whether with others or alone I didn't care.

But I guess it is what it is and it's gone, plus drugs go hand in hand for drinking and smoking with me so they are a no go. I never viewed BZP and the like as bieng at all negative really, far from it, I have the fondest memories of my life from around that period in time. Oh well, just getting it out there on SR. Probably most people won't be able to relate on SR as it's very much a UK thing of my generation who are aware of these legal highs. The great thing was/is that they are legal but better than most of the illegal stuff, all things considered. But I ain't going there. Just writing it out on SR as it will help get it out.

At times like these I just go firmly into 'One day at a time' mode as at 24 and the summer around the corner I can start to get a wtf is going on type moment, all the fun and madness is over. But I shall ride it out and let it pass.

Sorry for rambling but it helps me so that is why I have posted.


Peace x
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Old 03-17-2010, 07:04 AM
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(((((Neo)))))

You never have to apologize for venting and rambling. This site and others HELP so much with that, it is the outlet we need.

As to your 'waxing nostalgic' you are not alone there either. In the first couple of years of my recovery it seemed I did that a lot only remembering the 'good' times and the 'fun'. Then with a 'big nudge' from my sponsor, when the nostalgia would set in I would also look at the 'bad' from those times. Force myself to remember all the 'screw ups' by me. Force myself to look at the 'ugly' side of the coin.

In other words to 'take in' the 'whole' reality and not just the 'partial' that King Alcohol used to try and lure me back.

You are doing exactly what you need to do for you to get past this. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

And yes, there were 'good times' for me while I was out there 'practicing' my affliction. But sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly they were replaced by the "uglies."

Nothing wrong with having nostalgia. It will bring you closer to 'never wanting to go back there again.'

Just keep posting, talking about this, etc and it will pass.

J M H O

Love and hugs,
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Old 03-17-2010, 08:20 AM
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Thanks so much for that post Laurie. That has made me feel much better. I have such nostalgic memories of those times and they were genuinely great times with the discovery of drugs and psychedelia and all that. The booze and Cociane is what ultimately was the downfall. mainly the booze to be honest. That is my Vice. But I cannot have one without the other so i have to live totally clean from any drugs, both 'legal' and illegal.

I have just got back from town and bought a couple of Hendrix Albums. The new one that has just been released by the estate (no idea what it's like) and First Rays of The New Rising Sun which was the 4th studio album due to be released but he died before it was released, I know there is some great stuff on that album. Looking forward to listening to them now this afternoon. Man I love Hendrix so much.

Anyway thanks again for your post and it's good to know that I'm not alone, it's so easy to get so negative and depressive about old times but at 24 then it's not the case that there weren;t any good memories, but they are gone and I am keeping sober just for today. I find SR a great avenue to talk about this kind of thing as at AA evryone is so much older than me and ain;t got experience in the modern chemical generation or anything. And most who do are still using/drinking/partying at 24 so it can seem a bit wtf at times. but it always passes and I feel a lot better now.

peace
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Old 03-17-2010, 02:55 PM
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Feels like I've been ten rounds with Mike Tyson the last few days in my head. lol. It's hard work this sobriety at times.

I think I have spent the last 8 months adjusting and mourning/grieving for my old mate booze and I feel like I have, but today was the culmination of stuff building up over the last few days in relation to drugs and particular my old favs the party drugs. Seeing all that stuff in the news on TV just really stirred up memories and stuff and I got overwhelmed with feeling so sad that it's all over. My mind can be battleground at times, really wears me out at times.

Anyway I think the mourning has came to a natural close now and I am starting to feel it passing. These experiences will all benefit me greatly in my recovery as overcoming the mentally tough 'bailing out' points is what it's all about. I know I will gain in strength from this and be able to use these experiences I am having/had to help other recovering alcoholics/addicts in the future.

I guess alcoholism is a crafty git and will look for any outlook to worm it's way back in. Apart from I can see right through it so I ain't having none of it!

At the end of the day my drug use was like my alcohol use - totally and utterly ridiculous binges to the point where I was unable to move from bed for a good day or two apart from if there was a drink to get me out of bed. I ain't going there man. I am playing the long game now, I ain't robbing from my future just to get a quick buzz. I mean what happens when the buzz wears off and my stash is all gone? what then? Just back to living to get wrecked again and of course lose everything in the process. No way.
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Old 03-17-2010, 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post
Just back to living to get wrecked again and of course lose everything in the process. No way.
You've been around long enough to know, Neo, that perfectly reasonable ideas like that are rarely enough to keep one sober. The insane idea always wins out.

The 'I'll lose everything if I go back to it" argument just doesn't hold up over the long haul for the alcoholic mind. My mind was broken, and had to be transformed to where drinking again wasn't in the realm of options to consider pro and con.

Instead, the option is removed. No longer an issue to be considered.
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Old 03-17-2010, 03:15 PM
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST View Post
My mind can be battleground at times, really wears me out at times.
Hi Neo,

I heard someone share today that you should never go into your own head without a responsible adult, lol.

When you talk about the nostalgia, I am reminded of Bill's story when he talks about the exhilarating time he had at the start of his drinking and how he had arrived.

I know I found it very useful to read the whole story for both of my addictions seperately. For each addiction I could see the pattern from exhilarting, to necessary and so on down into despair. I know others have found this useful.

Writing down how you are feeling can be very helpful. Have you written a Step 4 inventory on this with all the columns as set out in the big book?....and then followed up with steps 5 to 9 where applicable? It's reading like you have some resentments here surrounding this drug issue.....and perhaps some fear that you may never be able to indulge.
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Old 03-17-2010, 04:24 PM
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"For each addiction I could see the pattern from exhilarting, to necessary and so on down into despair. I know others have found this useful."

This resonates with me.

And for me I can see a batch of years during which there is a wrestling match to make sure the gratification in the drug was there - which led to methodical neglect about having something to eat and not just the ensuing laziness.

This must be where, for some people, there is eventually a tie-in with other drugs (how they say that trying itty-bitty little things can lead to the "bad" drugs). I was mostly not interested in trying things outside of alcohol (much like I was not interested in alcohol when it would have been "cool" to transgress or rebel when I was a teenager). But part of me was also afraid to because I had a notion that I would become addicted and drop deeper and deeper into problems. And of course my problems were BIG ENOUGH with the most legal of all things to take in, the alcohol I had a choice not to consume, yet repeatedly did.

I don't know how valid that line of thought is about potential cross-addiction for me, but to the extent that I know anything at all about my experience, I think I could have been an addict with anything I would have tried in order to manufacture an exhiliration for myself. And it would have been a variation of the same fake resource for strength that only weakened my spirits and body in the long run.

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Old 03-18-2010, 01:20 AM
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Yes Neo I know what you're feeling as I heard that news yesterday about the teenagers. Unfortunatley or fortunatley for me i skipped the legal highs and went straight to the illegal ones lol. But as for nostalgia i would say all alcoholics / addicts get it to some extent no matter how long they've been sober/clean. The brain tricks us to remember the 'good times' and forget the hangovers / comedowns / nose aches the next day :P

-x-
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Old 03-18-2010, 05:39 AM
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The good, the bad, & the ugly!!!!

I would be a liar if I said that I did not have some awesome times drinking & smoking dope, the early days were good days & are easily remembered.

I keep the bad & the ugly of my drinking in mind also, I always keep in mind that the good led me to the bad & the ugly & I can not reverse the order. I know for a fact that I can not pick up and start with the good ever again, one drink will take me right back to the bad & the ugly of it all.

What I find interesting is I can speak of the good times & the thought of trying to return to them does not even enter my mind, I am convinced this is due to my obsession to drink being lifted, sobriety is so awesome for me that there is not a thought of returning to my old ways.

"We will not regret the past nor wish to close the door upon it."
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Old 03-18-2010, 08:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Tazman53 View Post
What I find interesting is I can speak of the good times & the thought of trying to return to them does not even enter my mind, I am convinced this is due to my obsession to drink being lifted, "
Yes, this is how I feel now that the obsession has been removed. Even when I tell of those wonderful, exhilarating times I can remember the fun but I am repelled by the the thought of it.


we recoil from it as from a hot flame ..... p84
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Old 03-18-2010, 08:58 AM
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There was an occasion around ten years ago I went out drinking at Hallowe'en time. (So, costumes.) That is one time that I am aware of that I was definitely in black-out mode. Being on my keister all of a sudden when I thought I had been dancing. Then ending up in the passenger seat of my car without the head gear (obviously a good seating arrangement instead of me doing the driving). I can clearly remember particularly hilarious moments though and I can still smile back on them. There is a sense of misfortune nearby though, in those memories, like I was digging into a pit further and further.....I was in a bereavement period back then and I remember saying how I felt like I was released into freedom. Not really, and not for years afterward. Onward
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Old 03-18-2010, 03:11 PM
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I have no desire whatsoever to wish to pick up a drink or take any drugs. I frequently talk to people about my past experiences without any desire to go back there. I am totally indifferent about it.

However that is not to say that I don't miss being able to go to music festivals, raves, pubs or just generally anywhere else where most 24 year old cats and chicks hang out at. I still cannot face the thought of these at my age without booze or drugs. That just ain't me drinking orange juice at a rave. Never was never will be.

Of course there will be times of nostalgia about drinking and drugging. That will be there naturally and is only natural. I choose to express where I'm at on SR where others may keep there 'off' times hidden and only share their 'good'. keeps me stay sober and thats what matters to me personally.

I ain't in sobriety for point scoring and comparing my sobriety against any one elses and comparing who is the most happy, joyous and free. To me that is fake and I ain't a fake. I never was in my party days and I ain't in my sober days.

At 24 it is a case of adjusting to a life different to what most people you would want to hang with are living. I accept that and I am happy in my decision. The drug scene and particularly my party drug days were vastly different to drinking. I can see through drugs and that is how I stay clear, with booze I don;t have a compulsion to drink whatsoever anymore... but of course there will be fleeting thoughts which pass. In my book this is reality and reading Bill's story last night only reafirmed to me that what I experince is perfectly normal for a recovering alcoholic and addict at 24.

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