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What about dating sober?

Old 03-16-2010, 10:12 PM
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What about dating sober?

This has to be one of my biggest hangups. I'm 27. Single. And still searching for 'Mrs. Right.' On more than one occasion have I decided, carte blanche, that I will drink for the sake of a date. "I know I shouldn't" doesn't matter. So I throw away a two week streak; a five week streak - whatever it is. It's not that I 'need' to drink to be sociable, either. It just makes things feel, normal? I'm on match.com and hoping to meet someone who I am just so enthralled with that drinking won't matter that much to either of us. I should note that I am currently not sober. That is to say, I had a good five week run going but threw it away maybe a week ago? There's "good Tom," and then there's "bad Tom." Uh. Eliot. I mean good and bad Eliot - of course that's what I mean. (And of course you all know too well the good/bad dynamic.) (...I'm bad Eliot currently.)

How has sobriety affected your dating lives?
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Old 03-16-2010, 10:24 PM
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I don't know the amount of drinking that you do, but if you are alcoholic you had better put that absolutely first in your life or dating will be the least of your worries down the road. I also suggest you ask yourself if you really want to stop drinking because this alcoholic didn't quit until I was ready. If you are not ready, you will find many reasons to drink. If you are ready, you will put your sobriety ahead of everything, and I mean everything, and let dating come later. Trust me, there are LOTS of lovely women that do not drink or drink very much. My wife hardly ever drinks and especially now that I have gotten sober. It's not "normal" to need a drink to feel "normal." Just think about what's most important to you. I am one of those high-bottom guys so it took me longer to finally put the plug in the jug but I got so sick and tired of relapsing that I finally said, enough is enough!
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Old 03-16-2010, 10:27 PM
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It's not so much the 'normal' feeling - nor is is an excuse for me to drink. Nothing validates my drinking; I don't kid myself otherwise. I'm not sure how to describe it. Maybe it's not so much the dating part of it, but the positive feelings associated with a first date that cause (trigger) me to say, "To heck with it," know what I mean?
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Old 03-16-2010, 10:57 PM
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Welcome back Eliot.

I'm Australian, so the dating dynamic is a little different here - or at least it has been for me. I've never been out with anyone I didn't know all that well first, so this kind of thing has never come up for me.

I imagine tho there's a bit of a clash for most of us between wanting to put your best foot forward, creating the best impression, not seeming weird, or like a serial killer...and not drinking.

I think it's especially hard for alcoholics as well - for me, drinking was pretty much all I'd ever done in social situations.

But, when it comes right down to it, I know what drinking does to me.

Even that one or two glasses of normality or social lubrication could possibly send me right back to where I was...and nobody and nothing is worth that.

You don't want to be a drinker - don't drink.

My advice is be who you are - and let the people who like who you are, be attracted to you for that.

D
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Old 03-16-2010, 11:00 PM
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Ever notice that the girls on Match.Com are interested in men that don't drink? I don't know why though.
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Old 03-16-2010, 11:55 PM
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Originally Posted by EliotRosewater View Post
Maybe it's not so much the dating part of it, but the positive feelings associated with a first date that cause (trigger) me to say, "To heck with it," know what I mean?
I would say it has nothing to do with dating. There will always be a reason to drink alcohol. It's just because you have not drunk for a few weeks and you go on a date, you are associating the two.

If you are an alcoholic, at some point you will find that you end up drinking again whatever is going on in your life.

Rather than thinking of dating, I would suggest you ask yourself whether or not you are an alcoholic? If you are, then you need to make your recovering from alcoholism your priority. No active alcoholic can have a relationship where they are mentally and emotionally present........their minds will be on drink, such is the mental obsession.
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Old 03-17-2010, 12:11 AM
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Originally Posted by EliotRosewater View Post
This has to be one of my biggest hangups. I'm 27. Single. And still searching for 'Mrs. Right.'
Best to not get involved with someone in the Program that is just my own ESH
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Old 03-17-2010, 12:12 AM
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I think SR aught to start a sober dating service anyone looking for a elderly man?
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Old 03-17-2010, 01:03 AM
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or maybe a wife/hubby swap forum...Like swap one drunken wife/hubby for a sober one.., Vice/verse...Marriage made in Heavan/hell.co :ghug3
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Old 03-17-2010, 01:06 AM
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I like a bit of fun...but lets focus on Eliot's problem, guys.


D
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Old 03-17-2010, 01:20 AM
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Red face

Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I like a bit of fun...but lets focus on Eliot's problem, guys.


D
Sorry my apologizes
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Old 03-17-2010, 01:34 AM
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Back to that question of date or not? being new to soberness again..I would say early stages of finding your way...Dating someone who drinks a no no... maybe dating a non drinker..could be a good thing?:ghug3
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Old 03-17-2010, 02:31 AM
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It sounds like you have a lot of serious thinking to do about alcohol. Are you a heavy drinker or an alcoholic? There is an important difference. It's simple to find out if you are an alcoholic: you can try some of the simple tests suggested here and on the net or AA's classic suggestion: go to a bar and order a beer or two. If you find yourself wanting to keep drinking and find it difficult to stop at one or two (at the most), you are probably an alcoholic.

Why don't you try a date where you can easily avoid alcohol? A breakfast or lunch. An afternoon outing that involves some kind of sport?

When I was a member of the Audubon society I was amazed at the number of girls trolling for dates on the bird counts!
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Old 03-17-2010, 03:42 AM
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Do you REALLY want to stay sober?

If you do then you will make your recovery your #1 priority!

Do you want to really have the ladies knocking down your door on match.com?

If you are serious about staying sober & finding a lady then in your profile put "Non-drinker seeking same"

The ladies will be knocking your door down! Believe it or not most women do not like men that drink!
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Old 03-17-2010, 04:29 AM
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I had an online date not too log ago where I decided to have a couple drinks even though I told myself not to drink because I turn into a different person. Im always very nervous in social situations and especially first dates. But after dinner I couldnt come up with somewhere to go off the top of my head and asked if she would like to grab a drink at the bar, she said yes and it went well for the most part. But...at the same time I wish I didnt because the way I talk and get more comfortable can be embarrassing especially when just getting to know someone. Thats not the impression I want to make. So I say if you wanna quit then dont give yourself excuses where its ok to drink. I know for me I just cant drink on dates because I run a huge risk of making an idiot out of myself.
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Old 03-17-2010, 07:21 PM
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I had a first date on my 3 or 4th day of sobriety. I was in a fog for the whole date, lost concentration all the time, and had big bags under my eyes. I had also just been dumped about a week or so before that. I certainly did not have to ask myself "do you think he'll call?" In fact, I was pretty happy he didn't because I knew my head wasn't in the right place to start dating.

I think it may be a while before I get back into the dating scene. I barely know my own self right now, let alone adding someone else into the mix. So I figure it is better to focus on me and my sobriety first and then find someone after I am more comfortable in my new skin, so to speak.
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Old 03-17-2010, 08:12 PM
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I've never had a relationship that was both (a) not long-distance or (b) not abusive. Since I started drinking alcoholically at 19, I guess that shouldn't be a surprise. I'm 24 now, and a few months ago I went on my first sober dates, told the gent right off the bat that I'm a non-drinker. It didn't fly, but (for the first time!) not because of me. I know, especially because of the last relationship I had while I was drinking, that I have a lot of issues to work through. And maybe I'll never be able to be in a healthy romantic relationship, or find a Mister Right who doesn't drink -- that's okay with me. I'd rather be a sober cat lady than drink myself into another bad relationship.

What it boils down to, imo, is this: which is more important, the dating or the sobriety? Because if I couldn't have both, I know which one I'd pick.
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Old 03-17-2010, 08:30 PM
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(And if Milwaukee's anything like Madison, I know how hard the social scene can be when you're sober. Take heart, though -- the older we get, the less socialization will revolve around booze. )
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Old 03-17-2010, 09:00 PM
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Without sobriety i would be in another screwed up relationship before i knew it, another couple of years gone and another person in my life to resent...like attracts like, keep doing the same things get the same results...we are a pretty 'dim' bunch for intelligent people at times;-)
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Old 03-18-2010, 06:30 AM
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I absolutely don't encourage you at all to do any dating. I can't tell you enough how much more important it is to work on yourself right now. Wouldn't you want someone good enough for you?

Also, what you said about having someone that you're so enthralled with so it keeps you from drinking................that's not the way it works my dear. To me, that's like switching one for the other and should that relationship end and your in emotional hurts, how are you going to deal with that? By drinking?

Believe me, not trying to rain on your parade here, but dating isn't going to be a solution either.

My best to you.
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