augustwest

What's a dating life?

augustwest

On a more serious note, i could always find an excuse to drink or do drugs. It's what we do. But if particular situations seem to be a strong trigger i avoid them at this juncture. I've only got 80 some days clean so i'm pretty well convinced that any woman that's interested in me right now is at least as screwed up as i am, if not more, and therefore probably not a good idea. It's not exactly fun, but i'm refraining from dating for an undetermined period of time. I need things to be as simple as possible right now and dating complicates the hell out of life.

MidwestSheRides

I follow you, August. With 14 days sobriety, I'm feeling better, starting to take care of myself again, starting to think it'd be nice to have someone in my life, etc. But in reality, the only ones who'd be interested in a sick, 14-day-sober female would be someone as messed up as me. Not good for me trying to get better. So I 'Ah, fahget a bout it'.

For me...it'd be a nice change of pace to have some semblence of a quality life and be able to attract quality men into my life. Instead of attracting yet another bozo where I shake my head, feel worse about myself, and wonder why I ever got involved.

But that's for much later, 'nuff said on that.

Nice to see someone else from Mil-town, Eliot. Tellus is right, Wisconsin's got a huge drinking culture, not exactly easy around here to socialize without it (dating or otherwise). My experience...getting in touch with other sober people makes being here a WHOLE lot easier.

Houndheart

I was thinking this same thing. I learned this one the hard way one time.

I agree. Even if the dating is "good", it is complicated at the least. And complications=stress=trigger to drink.

Good luck Eliot with your decision.

humblestudent

I think that attributing wanting to drink with dating is honestly just an excuse to drink. I know it doesn't feel like that's the case, but I think it is. I used to really believe what I now recognize to be rationalizations for my drinking. But now that I've had some sober time, and have committed to not drinking again, vs. knowing I'm GOING to drink again at some point, I have seen these in the light of day, for what they were...excuses to keep drinking.

bbr

I have a close friend whom I've known most of my life and he never drank. He just considered it unhealthy (smart man). The 30 plus years that I have known him as a bachelor, he has been quite the lady's man and the lack of alcohol never slowed him down. It never bothered him if the woman friend drank in moderation and and I never saw any of them encourage him to drink. I see him as proof that successful dating (and just enjoying life in general) can be done without the booze

EliotRosewater

Firstly, to answer the question asked by a few - I know that I am a functioning alcoholic. I know that I can not drink. I know that when I try to stop drinking I always come back to it. I also know that I will never, ever, be able to drink socially without going overboard. Be it a day from now, a year from now, or ten years from now - my personal history has proven beyond a doubt that bad things are going to happen if I drink; it is only a matter of time.

That said. Here I am. I know myself. I know what is right. And I also know what is wrong. Maybe I'll get some negative feedback for also saying that while I know what I am doing is wrong - I'm not quite ready to stop. (Yes - the usual question ensues: "If not now, when?", followed by: "You are the only one who can help- yourself, Eliot, wake up!" And the ever-pervasive, "What is it going to take? You will hit rock bottom and then...") Ok. That's out of the way.

I spent about three months not drinking in the fall of 2005; I was a senior in college. It was the best few months I've ever had and many if not most of you can relate, fairly verbatim. I know with certainty that my life is better without alcohol. This is a truism that I'll not only refuse to dispute, but one that I am confident in asserting.

Back to the here-and-now. Given that I understand these truths about myself, and I whole-heartedly subscribe to them - I'm beyond tricking myself with 'excuses' to drink. When I drink, I know what is happening. I know what I'm doing; and I know why I am doing it. I'll fool others at the drop of a hat, but it's been a couple of years now since I've been able to fool myself.

So what's my problem? It's the same one you are all dealing with / have dealt with. Namely: I know all that is wrong about what I am doing, yet enjoy how alcohol makes me feel. In the present - I am invincible. In the future - I will live a life irrevocably harmed by my present-day behavior. If I continue to drink it will have serious, negative effects on my health - compounded upon whatever detrimental effects have already been incurred.

The point I'm at is one of: "So ... now what?"

Alcoholism is one thing. But being able to "control" it (don't laugh) is another. I'm functioning. I go to work; my career is stable, healthy. I have friends. I do date. Everyone says I'm such a "kind, thoughtful person. So unique." Of course, I know the truth. Yes - I am kind and thoughtful person...who happens to also be a kind and thoughtful alcoholic. Were I "non-functioning," I would have a very sentient incentive to not drink as the impact would be felt so much greater day-to-day.

Incentives motivate. What's my incentive to stop drinking? (Kind of a rhetorical question, as I believe I already know the incentives - for those of you kind enough to reply with a list of incentives.) Well - I will feel better about myself; I will be physically more healthy; I will be better off so far as finances are concerned; I will really get to know 'who I am;' I'll be that thoughtful person only it will be real - I will have integrity; I will be a good person: I will have character.

Woosh! That was a mouthful.
I'm done ranting. (Or is this more of a 'raving?')

(My intention is not to come off as arrogant or crass, either. Please interpret my tone as one of optimism and graciousness; your feedback is received with sincerity.)

Yours,
Eliot

Anna

Hi Eliot,

I don't think you sound arrogant or crass. You are simply not ready to stop drinking. I was in the spot for awhile too. I felt stuck when I was there, but it was okay. I knew that someday I would and could stop drinking and I did. However, I can't tell you how much I regret not stopping earlier. At the same time, I know that you need to be fully engaged in recovery, in order to make it. We are here for you to offer you support.

BS08

Maybe because we're all here...

CarolD

When I was a drinker....I only dated drinkers.
When I decided to get sober.....I gave up men
to focus on my new sober life......

The oddest thing? the men I dated while drinking
did not appeal to the sober me.....

I found a new dating life in the fellowship of AA.
We did "group dating" and it was a great blast!
We also stayed sober while doing all sorts of things.

It is not about the dateing Tom....it's all about
finding your way into solid recovery.
You then make better choices in all areas of your life.

Hope you will quit drinking soon....the future is
up to you to live happily sober ...

intention

Hi Eliot, you don't sound arrogant. You are just sharing honestly, thanks.

I enjoyed the affect alcohol had on me right up until the end. The last few drunks I realised I hated the taste of it. I still wanted the effects so I had to drink very quickly just to get the stuff into my body without tasting it. The misery of those last few drunks was unbearable.

I crossed an invisible line from loving alcohol (most of the time) to despising it overnight.

With all your knowledge about your problem, I hope the day that it happens for you and you no longer like the effects alcohol has, that you have the courage to surrender and get yourself into recovery.

coming_clean

I met my girlfriend sober.....one year together..
I met my ex-girlfirend (6 years together) sober...
Every girl worth mentioning in my life I met sober...

Every girl I lost worth mentioning was because of using drugs and drinking....

I´m 26 now.....don´t know if this matters or not...

Spawn

what is Normal?

Spawn

I was told to wait one year before getting involved with anyone,.....I waited 366 days,.........that one turned out to be a mistake,.........when I found out she was a drunk,..........In order to stay sober all my relationships have to be non-drinkers,.......I'm 11 years clean and sober,....happily married now,....because I did what I was told. I still go to meetings. Don't worry so much about being alone,....get use to your own company first.

EliotRosewater

I should clarify. I'm really not terribly concerned with dating; it's not my central focus. I was extending a very casual inquiry on the topic is all. I don't need to drink to be social nor confident with women. That said - my primary focus is on the "Now what...?" question. It seems so simple, doesn't it? "Now that you have accepted the fact that you're an alcoholic, the next step is to [...] (insert one of a handful of practical, proven actions that are time-tested by folks like those of you staying sober)." And, "Well Eliot, there's really nothing more we can do here. In the end it's your decision and yours alone. You seem to know what you need to do, so, ... go do it?" The idea that I will "never drink again" is like a brick wall to me (to almost all of us, at first). So much of what I do involves alcohol. Of course, this is partly because that is the direction I have let alcohol guide my life in order to accommodate my addiction. 'Meet a friend for coffee' after work, or meet a friend for 'drinks at the Nomad?' (And we all know which scenario comes out on top in that match-up.) (I thought I'd toss in an actual bar that I sometimes go to - you know, to keep things interesting for any locals that may happen to chance upon this.) I know that when I stop drinking (and I do have to stop drinking), my life will be guided by sobriety in a similar way. 'Coffee with a friend' will become a very attractive option; I am certain. I also know that I will acquire new and interesting friends; and that these friendships are likely to become richer and more meaningful than a lot of my current friendships. (I do have friends that I drink with. And yes - I also have plenty of 'drinking buddies.') (Plenty.) There's an Alano club not too far from where I live. (On Prospect and Albion - again, strictly for the locals.) I drive by it a few times per week and I usually drive a little slower if I'm able so I can get a flash of the people in the window; there's got to be some sort of seating on the immediate side of the window because there are people there constantly. And I watch them for a split second , a few times per week. Enough creepiness. I even went for a run once - past the building on purpose to 'scope it out.' (Whoever thought that one day I'd be conducting surveillance on an AA meeting - I wouldn't have believed it had I been told years ago!) (The 'scope out' was pretty comparable to the drive-bys only lasted a little longer. I also 'tied my shoe' right in front. Ok. Getting creepy again, back to task.) They have an "AA for beginners" meeting every Tuesday evening at 7:30. I know this because I looked online, of course. Sometimes when I'm "good Eliot," I tell myself: "I'm going to go to that meeting next week." I don't need to finish the story for you as you're a pretty sly group of folks and a six year old could guess the ending. To make a long story short, (technically, longer) I need to go; I will go; I'm not sure when I'll go; I'm on a semi-colon rampage apparently; in the end it comes down to the old, "I know what I am supposed to do, but am very hesitant to just do it already."

Yours in message board protraction,
Eliot

MidwestSheRides

Eliot, please PLEASE go in...I used to live about 4 blocks from there and and used to be there constantly. I still go there when the snow thawes out...

There are GOOD people there...just start talking...to anyone...doesn't matter what they look like or what they seem like. PM me if you want to....I remember how scared ******** I was when I first came through the doors...

Spawn

I was only sharing

MidwestSheRides

Amen.