SEC09

I have noticed that my biggest reward is also my biggest challenge the more I gain sobriety. I want the clarity and the insight but I don't care to remember the friendships that ended badly. I realise that at the time of those relationships I was up and down and my life was unmanageble. So it makes sense that relationships would be the same and become unmanageable too. I guess it is hard to face the music and realise that enemies were possibly made and that someone out there has had a bad encounter with the side of me that I know was not the authentic me. It was the alcohol talking. Even though I know it makes sense that this would happen it still bothers me to the point where I want to forget about it. I feel hurt by the idea that someone has a false impression of me and I am never able to set them straight years later. I think back to a relationship I had with a friend that ended badly. I remember coming clean and telling her that I was an alcoholic and made amends with her at that time. She agreed to continue talking to me after she found out the truth but I knew things were not the same. I almost felt she was being phony with me just to keep the peace. It was as though she didn't have the guts to say I don't want to speak to you anymore so she kept in contact with me and then when I moved she conveniently stopped talking to me altogether. Now I find out she is still talking about me with other people in a derogatory way. it has been 2 years. I don't understand why people can't just leave things alone. I know she is not worth my time and energy to even mention but somehow she is getting to me. I know I am a worthy human being but somewhere deep down inside I feel this need to get her acceptance. I feel that with every sober day I gain a little more insight into myself and cut myself a little more slack for my mistakes and recognize I am okay just as I am. However I don't care to remember these relationships that caused a lot of unpleasant feelings. I wish I could just get past these past relationships but they keep weighing on my mind. it is as though I can't forgive myself for the way I acted and it is coming back to haunt me in my mind years later. Anyone else have these thoughts and feelings and how do you move on?

yeahgr8

Yeah these sort of things would 'haunt' me and it was like living carrying every single piece of baggage from the past which can weight very heavy indeed...i want to AA and worked the steps...

Ceres

I'm at 2 1/2 years. I have many of those friendships/relationships you mentioned. A year ago, I was mortified when I'd think of them. Today, not so much. They don't hardly cross my mind. I think the reasons are two-fold. One, I'm not that person anymore, I realize that my impact on them was not nearly as detrimental as I think. Like you, I just hated the way I'd be remembered. That's pretty useless to my recovery. Anyway, the further I move along in recovery, the more of a memory that other person becomes.

Secondly, recovery has given me a new lease on life and I take advantage of it. The new friendships I have are built on a foundation of solid rock. I also help whenever I can. In AA and other volunteer work. I continually seek out ways to do good things. As doing them makes me feel good about myself.

Letting go of who I was becomes easier with loving who I now am. Loving who I am now means always trying my best to do the next right thing and trying not to let opportunities to be of help pass me by.

SEC09

'


This is so helpful to me thank you for this. I especially like the part where you said" I realize that my impact on them was not nearly as detrimental as I think. Like you, I just hated the way I'd be remembered."

This is so true and it is my mind making it worse than what it is. I need to retrain my mind to accept it and move on.

HonestlyNony

I'm super-new here (less than a week) so I oftentimes don't feel I have the right (senority?) to say anything, but in your case, here goes:

You made the decision to let go of the old you. At some point you decided you didn't need that "you" anymore. Couldn't function with THAT you any longer. She (your friend) hasn't made that same decision. For whatever reason she needs to hold on to the old you.

There are people who need others to be bad, to be and stay awful because it makes them feel better about themselves. Even when we truly do terrible things to them, they refuse to ever forgive or forget, because holding up our failings distracts from their own.

There very well may be relationships permanantly lost/damaged from in the drinking days. What you did/said then doesn't diminish who you are now. You made a choice for your life. You may not get to have it all: sobriety AND forgiveness. And you can't control how she feels. She'll hold on to it as long as it works for her. You've felt bad enough for long enough. Did you really come into sobriety to feel crappy about something you can't change?

I say focus on your new relationships. Healthy relationships with the "new you." And who knows, maybe word will get back to her that you've changed and are a decent person.

YOU have to forgive you before you can expect her or anybody else to.

SEC09

What an amazing post, Thank you so much for this! This is so true, this is her choice to hang onto it. I have definetely moved on. I need to forgive myself now. This is the piece that is missing and holding me back. By the way, thank you for sharing despite your concern about being new. Please continue to do so as if you chose not to I would never of had the pleasure of hearing these very supportive words!