lionheart

Hey Everyone

I had been in therapy working on my panic for about 2 and half years and was def on a good path, even coming into sobriety.

I hit a wall this week, last weekend actually where it all came back.

I am getting anxious about sharing in my AA meetings, going to a Big Book study with my sponsor, going to meetings BUT nothing outside AA is getting me anxious...its really really bizarre.

Does anyone else have this kind of thing happen around AA??

Thanks
LH

NellieM

I don't understand, where are you getting anxious? in AA or outside of AA? Have you talked to your therapist about it?

lionheart

oops...took the word "not" out....

Getting anxious about sharing, going and being at the meetings etc...

NellieM

It's OK to be you. Is it judgment you fear? Remember we''re all our own harshest critics. I think sharing is like public speaking == in a sense it is public speaking. the more you do it, the easier it gets.

lionheart

It probably is judgement. Its about fainting or falling down and people laughing at me so I guess it is around that. Its funny though, coz when I walked in the doors of AA, I didnt have that feeling, its come with time and getting to know people - maybe its now because they know me instead of just some woman walking in....

hmm food for thoughts...i met with my sponsor last night and we talked about it a bit and she gets it alot too so that helps (in the sense she can relate)

Had a big book study and it was fab and was anxious before it all but they made me feel relaxed and welcomed and I even got emotional...maybe I just dont want to show people my feelings?

Who knows!

Luckyv2

OMG I just had the worst ever panic attack or whatever and I posted about it somewhere other than here and than I come and see this thread.

Dang all I want to do is run, escape, hide...

Fear within,,,,

Not knowing what it is but just am very scared. Chance even knows something is going on. Can't put a finger on it I think it is from a post that I made. I have had shut down all curtains, and am hiding!

Very scary whatever I'm having it's been almost 2 hours now what to do?

HumbleBee

WOW, LH ~

The EXACT same thing happened to me in AA! I loved the people (fellowship), was a secretary of my home group and became comfortable sharing in open 'discussions'. Then it happened (drum roll please) -someone asked me to get "up there" and tell my story. I remember panic washing over me and my heart began pounding and I immediately replied "no thanks, not today." But the jig was up...

The more I thought about the idea of getting up there to speak, the more panic-stricken I became! I envisioned myself being up in front of the room and "Ummm" becoming the only word in the English vocabulary that I knew.

My sponsor was very supportive and did not coax me to "get up there and get it over with" like I've seen some others do - what a shame IMO.

I finally nailed the reason down: I came from what's known as the "House of Don'ts" - Don't talk, Don't tell, Don't trust, Don't feel.

To get up there and talk about anything to do with "drinking" (I know speaking/sharing is NOT a 5th step) would feel like a betrayal to my parents who drank and taught me those DON'T rules at a very young age and for a very long time.

I know people who've been sober for 30 years who still get nervous going up there.

I've also seen newcomers who get up there who weren't ready and my heart went out to them. I don't view that as character building and don't know anyone who walks into a meeting and excitedly says "I hope they ask me to speak today."

It's my opinion that a person's ESH can be shared in many other ways besides up at a podium. For anyone who may think this is against Step 12 or Tradition 5, well, everyone's entitled to their own opinion and what other people think of me is none of my business.

I'll be ready when I'm ready. In the meantime, I do service work in my community supporting rehabs, the elderly and disadvantaged people and animals and I'm ok with that.

Just my experience. All the best to you LH!

HumbleBee

Chance, please call somebody you know who you can talk to, take deep breaths, call 911 if you have to. 2 hours is too long for a panic attack.

Take care of yourself.

CarolD

Hmm.....
I've had no experience with panic attacks
If they are the same as anxiety disorders
we do have a Forum here

Anxiety Disorders - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

I just replied on another thread that it is a
wise idea to get your doctors assistance for
them. Good to know HB thinks so too.

Sorry Vic and LH are having these difficulties...

HB.....as you know....there are many ways to find your
niche' in AA. No one ever need speak from the
podium....tho sharing from your seat is very useful I think.

I've said No Thanks to various service committments in AA.
Sometimes I'm not interested in doing that specific thing
Sometimes I know I'm not the best person for it.

I've never felt "less than" by my choices nor has
anyone told me I'm no longer welcome.....

Forward we go ...side by side

lionheart

I spoke with chance out of here in pm and they seemed ok after that...not that i have all the answers lol but didnt think it appropriate to do it all in the forums.

lionheart

I have shared quite a few times, I have actually chaired about 6 meetings and am actively in service so this came from no where.

Its just recent and I do think its about acceptance from others. I have never felt good enough and now that they are starting to get to know me, how long will they hang around etc so if I say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, will it still be ok and will they still talk to me.

Now, the other part of me says it doesnt matter what others think, do or say and that is how I started out in the AA journey but of late its changed.

I am off to a meeting tonight and I think its one of those days I might need to decline to talk...last week they asked me to read the traditions and thats when it all started - I just couldnt breath properly, it was all in my upper chest and I went red (ive never gone red until i stopped drinking) and couldnt talk very well so read as fast as I could so I could got and sit down. Tonight I have 30 mins of calling and then I will relax and listen to the speaker....

I am sure it will pass - like they keep telling me - this too shall pass - but its fricken annoying that it has come back when I did so much work on it and had full acceptance of how it works, how my mind works and what my body does.

And by writing that I think I just worked it out - its a mind thing for me and that has been completely altered by lack of alcohol which means how I react will be too...hmm interesting...

Hope you are enjoying reading my brain explode hahahahaa

Enjoy

HumbleBee

Brain Explode??!! What brain explode??!! Haha.

Thanks, LH - I enjoyed it and agree with you. Sometimes our minds are our worst enemies I think. I also know that I lived with dysfunctional thinking for so long that when I stopped drinking and was surrounded by sober people, it was a culture shock.

Thanks also Carol. I was very comfortable sharing and speaking during open discussions from my seat on the floor - I think that's why I was asked so many times to speak up front (cuz I appeared so comfortable from my seat). Ah, whatever works.

Ditto - Forward we go, side by side...

lionheart

You know, the kind that doesnt stop you brain from spewing out whatever thought it has :wtf2 *wink*

I look forward to the day that my mind isnt so messy and just accepts shyte, you know, instead of over analysing and all that garbage.

I know I get called coz in my first 70 days I did speak with more confidence than I do now and even when I was crying and sharing it didnt matter, it still made sense. I have had alot of people tell me they like hearing what I say - apparently my view is different to those they normally hear, especially in early sobriety...i just speak (and keep my ego in check haha)

Forward we go...side by side - im not stealing just going with the flow