Day 19. On the wagon, off with love
 

“Doubt can be a bond as powerful and sustaining as certainty. When you are lost, you are not alone” - Father Brendan Flynn, Doubt


So here I am. Day 19. Just coming back from what supposed to be a relaxing 3 day break. Oh my poor stressed body and brains. Can’t even be bothered with yearning for a drink. I knew from the beginning that the idea of having romance with a married man wasn’t one of my greatest. I knew that three years ago, but I did not listen to my wise self. Three years ago I rarely listened to anyone. I am still not sure what actually holds this relationship, if I may call it so, together. Well, it use to be our binge nights, getting ****** on booze and coke, getting ****** in bed. Now I am sober. He doesn’t drink when I don’t drink. Sex is barely existent, not that it actually bothers me. I struggle everyday with keeping it straight. No more lies, excuses, no more drink. Trying to make each day as productive as possible. Trying to please his expectations, make it ’simple’, make it ‘nice’, ******* desperate housewife. The man comes home. Toilet paper folded clockwise instead of counterclockwise, I dared to drink directly from a juice box and his socks ain’t ironed… well, more or less. Tired.com… Stress-o-holic and Alcoholic on one shaky wagon.

After these 3 relaxing days I am exhausted, I just want to curl in bed and cosy up to my sweet dreams of freedom. The situation that I’m in gets more and more tangled every day. Do I love him? Question is, do I still remember how love should feel? ‘Being’ with someone that makes you want to cry eighty percent of the time, is not the best addition to my attempt on recovery. Oh, blimey. Choices…

Is this what happens when you start seeing your life, not as a blurry alcoholic’s vision? Life is grey, and yet I can see a rainbow hiding behind a mountain. I must cross this mountain, must clear it of all the crap barehanded. My fingernails will get dirty, I’ll tore my skin apart, I’ll tore his heart. The deed must be done. Through the darkness towards light, like an old man with a lantern walking through the 19th century London, lighting up the dark alleys. Step by step. Day by day. I am watching clouds now, they’re passing by, some are interwoven with violets. It’s good to be able to see violets again.

may I ask you a question? WHY on earth are you playing *maid* to some man????? Iron his socks? make days productive? fold the toilet paper???? PLEASE HIS EXPECTATIONS???? (smoke is starting to rise in my little delicate ears)...

what does he do for you? Does he pay your mortgage/rent? car? expenses?

Does he please YOUR expectations? (good thing he is with you and not me because i would most likely have beat him to a pulp if he asked me to iron anything...that's why we have laundry services here)!

Haha Fandy, I do understand your fury! Well, the ironing, etc. was my metaphor for more abstract 'pleasing the expectations' e.g. not being annoyed when he is stressed and has a go at me, being understanding and loving when inside I'm boiling, but he needs me to be calm; and I do it because I try to see things from his point of view and make his 'life' a bit easier. It is so much harder for me, since I stopped drinking and have so many other demons to tackle. Nevertheless, he does not see it from my point of view, and thinks selfishly, from one egoistic point of view. That's what bothers me.

No mortgage or cars involved really, neither do I expect or want it. I think he could greatly gain from a little Fandy beating ;-)

But seriously, there is a lot to think about for me. Of course, this is not the whole story, but just a little cut out that I felt at this particular moment. One day at the time Fandy... before I put my boxing gloves on ;)

you deserve someone who will LIFT YOU UP!!!! not someone who you feel you must tippy-toe around....and he is married to someone else...so effectively, he is not all yours....(even to beat on)......send him here, I will run him over with my car......

"he needs me to be calm"????? What do YOU need from him? (and more importantly, what do you get from him emotionally)???? you don't need some arrogant, egotistical man who just takes from you and does not give back.....stuff his *unironed* socks up his.....nose....(this is a clean website, no profanity but you know what I mean).

You're right, EllaBella, one day at a time. As the fog clears, you'll figure out what to do, one little decision at a time. You can cross the mountain step by step, day by day. Stay strong!

I'm betting that the longer you stay sober and start healing.....the less attractive the relationship will be.
When you begin to repair the wreckage that alcoholism has caused your self-esteem, your self-worth and even your self image, you will discover that eliminating toxic people and relationships from your life is .........something you really can do.

Learn to love yourself first.

One thing I have noticed over the last 7 weeks is that right now everything I do is all about me. It's the first time in my life I have put myself first. Usually I worry about others first, and me last, and that's part of what made me so messed up.

It's a hard thing to do. I carry a bit of guilt over the fact that I am being so self-absorbed right now. But it is the only way I can achieve my goal.

I still treat everyone with respect, I just don't drop everything to cater to their needs anymore. I must say, though, that my good friends are really understanding about it, and have not had any issues with it.

I know I don't know you and your situation very well, and I apologize in advance if this sounds too forward of me to say. But the relationship you described above is not love. You seem to be addicted to him the same way you are to your DOCs.

You really do deserve love, Ella. Real love.

Hi Ella,

The problem I had with people telling me that I should "love myself first" or "respect myself more" is that I had no idea how to do that.

It was like telling me to not drink. I couldn't do it.

I have found a great deal of help in the book The New Codependancy by Melodie Beattie (she has other books too).

Of course you know that the right answer is that you have to end this relationship but ending the relationship does not solve the problem as to why you got involved in the first place. It was not love because you don't get involved with someone who is not available because you love them. Just like you don't drink to oblivion because you love alcohol.


Ending the relationship will just put the problem on pause .........and it will happen again in other unhealthy relationships. Check out the book and see what you can learn about yourself and why you behave in such self-harming ways.


Well done on being sober :)

Well it looks as though the ladies here have already plotted to kick your mans butt!!!

Well if they would like some male assistance in doing so I volunteer!!! LOL

Look I have a strong feeling that you may be like I used to be when I was drinking & in early sobriety, I hated the person I was, I had no love at all for myself because I did not like me!

If the above is true of you then I pray you learn to love yourself, because once you learn to love yourself, you will probably find this man repulsive and not even worthy of you wiping your feet upon! You may not know it yet, but you are not a floor mat, let no one treat you as one with your permission.

It took time & work, but I learned to love myself using the program & fellowship of AA, think about using AA or another program of recovery to learn how to love yourself again.

is he another "escape hatch" in the alcoholic flight from reality and yourself?

NellieM, yes that's what I thought, I don't want to rush into decision, or impose even more stress on my life at the moment, as soon as I feel strong enough I will take care of this situation.

littlefish, you are right, being sober comes with your perspective changing greatly, the more I stay sober, the more mess alcohol caused I can see

Omega10, this is the time to be 'selfish', after all it is neglecting our life's & body's that lead us into deeper and deeper alcoholism & other way around of course. You are right, I became addicted to this relationship, it didn't require me to go outside and face the world, I could cuddle up with a bottle of wine and feel sorry for myself, but enough of that, i think. I do crave for the Real Love… hopefully someday :)

intention.. the funny thing is that I always thought that I love myself even too much and that I am an egoistic ********, now comes to think of it, it is mostly how he & alcohol made me feel, slowly going into the set of mind that 'my life is worthless, i am worthless'. I guess my self-harming ways come from me thinking that I am not really worth to be loved, the one true relationship I had & was utterly in love with my ex girlfriend, I ended, why? Because of the fear that she will finally leave me, so what's the point… Will check out the book intention. Thank you

Tazman, dear revolution man ;-), I'm loving myself a little bit more with everyday, you know this little steps you take during recovery, just to change your life a tiny bit everyday, make you so proud of yourself, make you go back to this person you used to be, the person for which world was an oyster…

fragrantrose, yes I guess he was 'performing this function', in a way, he made me think that we are in a 'relationship', calling us boyfriend and girlfriend, not letting me to date other people (even though he knew I feel lonely and want to be with someone that is available), he plotted this little cocoon around me, and I was stuck in it 24/7, even though he spends 6 days of the week with his wife, and just one 'night' with me. I think he sees how fragile I am inside, although outside I appear as string as oak, and uses it to his advantage…

Come to think of it, it's greatly because of him and his plotting why the relationship with my ex girl ended… Oh you guys, many wise worlds, loads to think about, Thank you & bless for all xx

You will come through this and you already have a more healthy perspective....of course you don't need the extra stress, but you might imagine what it will be like in the future, to meet someone who likes you as a person and RESPECTS you and your ideas....not someone who is depressing you and dragging you into his deceitful lifestyle.

Now if it were ME ending the relationship.....i would just kick him and then go visit his wife.....I do love a good fireworks show!!! :herewego

You are not alone in being like this. A paradox to describe the alcoholic that we hear a lot in AA......

A little piece of sh*t in the centre of the Universe

or more politely put

A egomaniac with an inferiority complex.

Lol love it, how true!

Lying in the gutter looking down at other people...hehe

I'm totally convinced now that a person in active alcoholism is insane whoever they are and whatever they think, it's just a case of whether they actually get to see it ever or die insane, in which case they won't know any better anyway?!

I'm so glad i walked into AA and got sane...i was going to write sane again but anyone who is sober will know that is BS :lmao

LOL, yes that too. I used to say "he needs to get to AA" :rotfxko