Newbie needing help

Old 03-08-2010, 02:12 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Wildwood, FLorida
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Newbie needing help

I have been an alcoholic all of my adult life and now my husband and I are retired. When I was working, I did not drink daily, but drank way too much on the days I did. Now that I no longer work, the drinking has gotten to the uncontrollable point and is now daily. I play golf and it seems that going into the bar after golf is the norm, then I get home and do not even remember how I got here. I hate not being in control. Last night I do not even remember eating. The major problem for me is that my husband drinks heavily also, and every time I tell him I want to quit, he tells me that is our lifestyle and I have nothing to worry about. Also, all my friends here drink. I enjoy my life but do not enjoy feeling out of control with drinking. I have at least 6 drinks of liquor a day and I know I am abusing my body. When I am not drinking, I stay physically active and eat healthy, then I blow all my hard work with alcohol. I don't know how to do this when everyone around me drinks. Is there anyone else that has had to deal with this type of situation? If so, please tell me how you managed it. I know I have to quit, but do not know how. I could use some help, please.
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Old 03-08-2010, 02:18 AM
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Glad you are here! Welcome!

It is very hard to even quit. You will have to find some sort of support system not telling you which avenues to take of course this set of forums here is a very fast past forums, and there is a lot of help here for YOU if you decide that you want to stop. We can walk with you on your journey!

Just hang in there it gets better.
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Old 03-08-2010, 04:31 AM
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"Is there anyone else that has had to deal with this type of situation? If so, please tell me how you managed it. I know I have to quit, but do not know how. I could use some help, please."

What I did might seem extreme and not for everyone. What worked for me in the beginning was AA. It was suggested that I bring an AA member to some functions I had to go to, as a pilar of support. So, I brought a sober AA buddy with me for a few events. Just introduced them as my new friend. Now, everyone knew I was in recovery. Those who didn't I would tell them that I'm not drinking because I want to lose weight. My "buddy" She was my diet partner. ;-)
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Old 03-08-2010, 04:45 AM
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Hi and very welcome! You made a very good start by coming here. A lot of us, including myself, were surrounded by a drinking life when we decided to stop. It's not easy, but you can do it. A lot of people on here will provide wonderful support and ideas on how to get through the tough times.

I know I have to quit, but do not know how.
We all know we have to quit, what made it a lot easier for me is 'wanting' to quit. Huge difference in my opinion. Once you want to do something you can deal with outside influences much better.
Keep reading and posting and let us know how you are.
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Old 03-08-2010, 04:57 AM
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Welcome Need2bsober. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "alcoholism is a progressive disease". I drank all my life too, but by the time I was in my 40's it was devastating me & almost took my life. I started out just drinking on weekends & in the end I drank all day, every day. I had to keep a certain amount in my system or I'd shake & begin withdrawing. You haven't reached that point, but you are wise to take action now.

What I had to do was give up the idea that I could control my drinking. For me that was the hardest part - convincing myself I had no more time to play with this thing. It was killing me & sucking the life out of me. It was no longer fun - just a habit with no meaning and no happy endings anymore. I always felt like hell and was putting my life in danger. The old days of it being fun & relaxing were gone for me - and it was like losing a lifelong friend. Once I admitted I had to learn to live again without it, I found this place and began to read what others had been through. When I saw I was not alone it was such a comfort - I got the courage to do what so many here had done. I did it alone, but I don't recommend that. I would come clean with your doctor and ask for suggestions on how to safely give up this habit. I'm not sure you'll have withdrawal symptoms with the amounts you are drinking now, but maybe something for your nerves could be prescribed. AA meetings would probably be very helpful for you, too.

Many retirees find themselves in this predicament. No longer having to show up for work or keep to any particular schedule is wonderful, but dangerous for heavy drinkers. I have a neighbor who was a social drinker all his life - held an important job & raised 3 children. After retiring he began afternoon cocktails & is in a stupor by 8pm at night. Unlike you, he seems unaware of the danger he's in. Be thankful you see the light and are going to take action! I'm glad you found us - keep talking and let us know how you're doing.
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Old 03-08-2010, 04:58 AM
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The major problem for me is that my husband drinks heavily also, and every time I tell him I want to quit, he tells me that is our lifestyle and I have nothing to worry about. Also, all my friends here drink.
I felt exactly the way that you did. I described my drinking as "our" lifestyle. I thought it would be almost impossible to quit as long as my husband continued to drink. However, when I went chronic and my life was completely unmanagable, my husband began to worry about it. He never confronted me about my drinking, but his angry moods and silence is the way he expressed his concern.

Is there anyone else that has had to deal with this type of situation? If so, please tell me how you managed it. I know I have to quit, but do not know how. I could use some help, please.
I finally decided that it was my journey, and whatever happened with our mutual drinking lifestyle, (which was heavy drinking on weekends, three nights a week), would just..... happen.
It hasn't really created any problems at all. In fact, my husband's alcohol consumption has gone down. He does have a problem with major holidays, because he doesn't like drinking alone on New Years and the like, but it's only a couple of days a year that this happens.
It's not important to him or anyone else that I drink a soda water with a twist of lime at the bar or at parties. I thought that people would expect me to drink or make a big deal of my not drinking. Well, nobody noticed and nobody cared.
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Old 03-08-2010, 05:12 AM
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I agree with that, littlefish - I know it's not recommended to keep going to the same places you did when you drank - but I had to in some cases. I didn't want to have to give up everything, along with the alcohol. Some can't get well when surrounded by drinking, though. It's something we all have to decide for ourselves. No one noticed or cared that I wasn't drinking either - but if they had asked, I was going to say I was becoming too dependent on it & needed to take a break.
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Old 03-08-2010, 05:47 AM
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First let me welcome you to SR need2bsober.

I really encourage you to read all of the prior post again, read them several times, each one of them probably says something you can relate to or use.

As already stated, alcoholism is a progressive disease, as long as an alcoholic drinks thier alcoholism will ALWAYS get worse, never better & it never levels off! This is a FACT & not an opinion or myth, it is a scientific/medical FACT.

I was 52 when I hit my bottom, I did not draw a sober breath the last 5 years I drank, I drank even when I did not want to drink. Drinking was no longer fun, it was a physical, mental, & spiritual need for me.

There are many paths to sobriety, I can only share with you what worked for me.

I surrendered to the fact that I could not stop drinking nor STAY stopped alone...... I needed help!!!

Well the doctor I saw about my drinking sent me to detox. Detox suggested AA.... 90+ meetings in 90 days & get a sponsor.

You mentioned golf, well I do not play golf, but you would be amazed at how many people in AA play golf, one meeting I go to before & after the meeting I hear more folks talk about golf then anything!

Perhaps yould find a new sober group of folks to play with.

You say your husband is a heavy drinker also. I am sure during the course of your marriage you have followed your husband down a few paths, maybe you could lead him down the path of sobriety!!! Playing a foursome with some AA folks may show him how much better he could play sober!

Why not call your local AA hotline and check out a ladies meeting to start with. What do you have to lose? A drinking problem! What do you have to gain? A whole new way of life, new sober friends, & a bunch of sober golf friends.
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Old 03-08-2010, 06:05 AM
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Deciding you want to quit is the first step. Try to live in the moment. Just don't drink for today. Don't regret the past or worry about the future, just stay sober for today.

I agree that AA can provide valuable face to face support and suggestions for your situation. Give it a try, what have you got to lose besides a dangerous unhealthy habit?
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Old 03-08-2010, 10:08 AM
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Hello Needs2bSober,

Welcome to SR where you'll find lots of friends and support. About 6 years ago I was laid off from work and was not working for about 1 year. Lots of free time on my hands and the drinking quickly got much worse... starting earlier and earlier in the day... PROGRESSING quickly. I remember thinking "If this is what it's going to be like when I retire, I'm not going to survive very long". I finally got another job and that helped moderate the drinking some (couldn't drink at work but it was still bad at night and on weekends. Now, 3 months sober, I am looking forward to a sober retirement, where I can do the things I want to do like travel, projects around the house. enjoy my grandkids, etc. I know I wouldn't be able to do/enjoy those things drunk... even if I did survive the abuse the alcohol was doing to my body.

My wife still drinks (though moderately) and we are still able to enjoy life together... even more so than before. We just finished a week long tropical vavation and had a blast! She had a few Mai-Tais, but I stayed sober. We hiked, swam, snorkeled, boated and had some great sunset dinners (that I can even clearly remeber!) Sure, I had some cravings when I would see someone else having a few beers while sitting on the beach, but for me it was not an option. Those few would turn into too many and ruin things for both of us.

If you want to quit, it ain't easy, but it's worth it. Continue reading and posting here for support
Take care,

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Old 03-08-2010, 03:21 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Wildwood, FLorida
Posts: 2
Thanks to all of you!!! It seems I found the right place to start with some wonderful help. One day sober. Thanks for all your help.
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Old 03-09-2010, 06:13 AM
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Hi Needs2. Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I recently found this site and have found it very helpful. I'm on day 8 of my recovery and really feel more empowered than I ever have. But I can relate to much of what you said. I'm close to retirement, heavy drinker much of my life and an avid golfer. Drinking and golf seem to go hand in hand. The 19th hole has ended many a recovery. Also my wife is a heavy drinker and doesn't feel the need to quit like i do.

One thing that helped is a I found another guy that I play golf with that also knew he drank too much and wanted to do something about it. We kind of danced around the issue of admitting we're alcoholics and committing to quit for a long time. But once we had "the conversation" and opened up it made a lot of things easier. If you drop a couple hints about the subject at your next 19th hole gathering you may be surprised the number of people that think the same way you do.

As far as your spouse that is a tough one. Bottom line though is you need to make up your own mind and decide for yourself what's right for you. You can't change him or force him to quit with you. But if he see's you're successful maybe he may want to join you. That hasn't been the case in my situation, but I'm not letting that slow me down.

My big challenge is coming up in April when I go on my annual golf trip to Myrtle Beach with the guys. 4 days of golf and debauchery with 16 knuckleheads. Lots of drinking. I love golf too much to cancel, but I know it's going to be tough.

Anyway I'm pulling for you and keep posting on the site. it really helps expressing your feelings!

Think Spring!
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Old 03-09-2010, 07:44 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2010
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Hi and welcome....I am newly sober for 3 weeks....I really wanted to stop and when I logged on here and read about other people fighting the same fight it was extremely helpful....
you mentioned that you love to play golf and i gather that you socialize on the course and after at the club? you might want to consider how you feel after you black out from you find it embarrassing and do you wonder if you offended anyone you socialize with? How do you get home? are you endangering yourself or others? How would you feel if you lost your driver's license?

I'm not trying to sound harsh, but these are all questions I would ask myself...I hope you decide to quit as you have recognized your drinking as a problem for yourself. (sorry for the runon sentances)
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