Trying to Straighten Things Out in my Head
 

Sometimes I believe I think too much. Usually when I am cooking or cleaning or something that is pretty routine where my mind can wander. Today is no exception.

I started out today being very excited about my new routine. Yesterday I had been to the grocery store, today I was going to do a bunch of cooking in preparation for the week ahead, and getting my house cleaned. Part way through my work a series of questions popped into my head:

When the newness of routine wears off, will I be content with the life I am now trying to build?

Will I be happy with going to work 5 days a week, and cooking/cleaning 2 days a week?

How can I get the excitement I crave so much, and stay sober while doing it?

Was it the alcohol that made some of my experiences exciting, or was it something else?

Was my life really that exciting before, or was the alcohol merely a "smoke and mirrors" game going on in my head?

Is going from party to party, binge to binge really that exciting?

There are so many things whizzing through my head while I try to work through my thoughts. I know my choice to quit drinking is the right one and that I should not worry about the future, particularly since I am going through so much change in the present.

I am the only one who can answer those questions, and in the end it is up to me to make my own fun. Just thought I would throw this out there to see what other people's perspectives are. Hearing/reading someone else's opinion often enables me to see things from a different angle.

Hi Omega;

I don't have a different angle, but the same thoughts (almost exactly) are going through my head too....

The honeymoon phase of being newly sober..is almost over for me..(day #20)...now it's time for the reality of being sober and what to do with it.

I don't know if this helps, but I am thinking along the same line....

My only thoughts on this, being sober and going through all this you gonna be so much stronger and able to deal with things..I too Very early into sobriety...And its gonna be all about change, no two ways about it unfamiliar territory is scary stuff! but in all reality as everyone here who,s been through this transition..Its extremely rare to find anyone say its not the done thing to do..And there not so much more happier to stopping the habit thats been killing them..dont wish to get all morose about this..In my case its gotta be done..And i feel very optimistic that longterm Happiness will Prevail.
:day2 an funnily enough its my 46th birthday today..So i,ll wish myself a first sober one,
for many years, Best Regards to all. KC.

Try to live 'one day at a time'.This goes for not drinking 'just for today' but also try to keep your thoughts rooted firmly in today. Otherwise it's easy to start feeling overwhelmed and that's where demoralisation and thoughts of drinking start to crop up.

Like you say you know your choice to quit drinking is the right one so just keep everything firmly rooted in the one day at a time mantra. Should help you, it has really helped/helps me when my mind starts wandering and I start to get thoughts of WTF is all of this about. Remember that alcohol is "cunning, baffling and powerful" so don't give it power by projecting your thoughts outside of the present.

What keeps me sober today is not what kept me sober the first 90 days. I put myself in an institution that I knew would monitor me and censure me if I drank. However I did not feel comfortable in my own skin for even a single day while I was there and could not wait to get out and run straight for my my next drink.

What keeps me sober today is what allows me to be comfortable in my own skin. Namely; peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose. How do I get these benefits? I "give" something each day and I "receive" something each day - a daily reprieve.

Hi Omega Man,

I think that I embrace the peacefulness in my life.

I had enough 'excitement' during the years that I was drinking.

I hope that you will find things to make you happy and fulfilled in your life.

Omega, I have pondered those things too. And I think the thoughts that go "is this what it will always be like; will I manage; how was I happy before" - all that comparing and self-analysis is a way for my brain to give in to worrying that is not necessary. Those thoughts come up during tasks like the ones you mentioned. A whole lot of pride and hope goes into the most mundane things sometimes.

I like how Neo described the requirement not to give it power by thinking outside the present. Sometimes I make a point of writing down a thought (which I know needs fleshing out, but it can get me feeling off-kilter and eventually scared) and going back to it later, when I am less likely to let negativity slip in. I am still learning how to do that, kind of like learning how to use my brain again, ha ha. I also remind myself that I wasted a lot of time pouring alcohol on top of my situation USELESSLY, and it gave me NOTHING. I'm still the same person with the same problems, except I am looking at them differently now and keeping an eye on my sobriety.

Sometimes it works when I allow myself to relish the baby steps, to enjoy the immediate present and not try to plot my life as I stand there in the kitchen or in front of the computer or while getting heavy-eyed in front of the TV. In fact, I SHOULD allow myself to enjoy the present and NOT write my life before I have lived it. This 24-hour thing makes a lot more sense than it used to.

You mention "excitement" in 4 of your questions above...I too struggle with this, but insert the word "fun" for excitement...

I have chosen to still hang out with my drinking friends from time to time, because I actually find it therapeutic. Let me explain that. I used to think that my drinking was so "fun". And so necessary to have fun. Only that was a complete lie, because as a binge drinker myself, after the first hour, or 2 or maybe 3 at the outside, I'd be in a black out, and couldn't tell you how much fun I supposedly had. So, in my new sober state, I've been observing. And what I observe is people who drink beer after beer, who really do not get hammered like I did, just sitting around and talking. It's all pretty tame. Turns out the party was in my head, the stuff of smoke and mirrors that you mention above. It was very surprising to me to see this and think, "Is this all there is?" (to the drinking scene).

When I can see this with sober eyes, it makes me take pause, and realize that my perception of fun and excitement was a complete lie the alcohol told me. And, I also have the opportunity to learn that I can truly have fun listening to music, joking with people, just hanging out, etc. without drinking myself. And, I can remember every bit of it, and not have the sickening self-loathing the next day of "What did I say? What did I do?". I am just so amazed at how at 71 days, these realizations are still hitting me. The depth of the seduction and lies that alcohol told me seem to be endless. But calling BS on it has helped me really evaluate it, and understand that the sober routine/life is giving me so much more for real than the lies that made me think I was giving up SO MUCH fun with the drinking.

Thanks everyone for your replies. You have all helped me a lot.

As I go through this journey, I have noticed something that can be summed up something like this: "If I don't like the mood I'm in, wait 15 minutes and it will probably change".

So after I posted this, I did some more thinking while I was mopping my floors (yeah, my head's a bit of a mess, but my house is very clean!). I realized that I was not content in my old life either, otherwise I would have kept on doing what I was doing.

Ultimately what has helped me this most is knowing that I am not alone or unique. That everyone goes through these same philosophical debates for the first while. The best thing I can do is to take each moment as it comes and be thankful for it.

I would echo what neo said....slow down...take it slow....things will change, for the better! Just hang on and enjoy the ride. :)