House of Cards
 

Hi all,

Heres my house of cards:

Today I am 14 days sober, 14 days ago my partner said if I ever drink again she will leave me.. I have found the last fortnight easy, no issues with not drinking withdrawl or otherwise, found no problems with being around others who are drinking. Bar around a year of sobriety, 6 years ago, in the last 12 years this is it.

I have put a lot of thought into whats going on inside my mind, why these things have happened and how I came to be where I am today and, basically, this is what I have come up with.

My father left my mother before I was born, I didn't actually meet him until I was around 13 years old, by this point I was already abusive in terms of substances, our meeting didn't resolve any issues and we haven't really spoken since then - I guess this has formed a void or resentment in my life.

I basically found pot at a young age, moved to acid and mushrooms then found my place with amphetamine type substances - e being my first experience with an addictive substance, and my addiction, an escape for several years till the e no longer worked no matter how much I consumed..

I moved onto speed and basically the same story, my partner at the time had no idea and I began drinking to assist with sleeping - I can tell you it's very difficult to lay next to someone all night long when you are wired out of your tree.

I eventually gave up speed and began just drinking... leading to where I am today.

I was always concered my partner would leave me for someone else, when in reality she loved me completely. We had an on again off again relationship in which course I had many other relationships, all of which ended due to my apparent abusive nature, till now with my current partner. I supressed my previous partner and her friendship circles, I dominated her life to an extent - I think this is due to my father not being around and me trying to hold onto her, I think breaking it off was beneficial to her..

Now, albeit 14 days I can see the whole issue differently, I think that my abusive nature was primarily due to whole not wanting to be alone and a way of escaping my thoughts she might leave me.

With my current partner I am concerned, worried, I don't want to loose her, she said she will support me but sometimes I feel like I can't tell her everything, I feel like if I told her whats going on for me it might scare her off, I love her.. I can't relapse because I can't loose her.

I guess I am insecure, this is something I need to get past.. while sober. My current partner is really outgoing and has lots of friends, at the moment I can't go out to bars with her because it just doesn't feel right but if I sit at home she just goes out and worries about me being at home alone, on the other side of the equation I worry that she is meeting someone else, someone who isn't broken like me.. an easy out which I think will destroy me.

I don't know how to overcome this, I need to let her go and have social experiences or it will be the end of us however I also need her to be with me and help me overcome myself. I worry that if we ended our relationship it would see me back to old habits..

I need a fresh start and am looking at moving countries, I want her to be with me to do this, I want to look forward to the future but I also don't want to extract everything known in her life because a fresh start is what I need.

I know I can overcome this, I just can't see the best way forward..?

14 Days

You're on your way. Two weeks is still a new and crazy period. have you sought the support of others, like AA?

If not, you are a PRIME candidate. Many newly sober people are needy. You seem to fit the bill. If you rely only on her, you're both doomed. You'll need to embrace a recovery group. A group of men and women who know exactly what you're going through.

Some people can get sober on their own. In my opinion? You're probably not one of them. I was that way too. I needed other people.

This is all just my opinion. :-)

Thanks for your input, I have however in the past been through group sessions etc and it didn't really work for me.

When I am sober I shut down, im shy and dont want to be judged. I did a year of rehab by court order for drug offences and every night I walked out of there I just went and got smashed again.. I cant explain why it just seems like hearing a bunch of other fighting their demons brought the worst out in me.

Im honestly very positive about doing this, I know I can and the power of belief is very strong..

Have you considered a professional counselor to deal
with your back history?

All my best to you and your partner
Welcome to our recovery community.....:wavey:

Carol, yes I have seen counsellors in the past and I just really struggle to get the words out of my mouth, I have however always found it easy to write my thoughts hence the reason I am trying this online forum.

I have never been in a relationship where things like this have been open for discussion, it's new and I am working on opening up to her completely.

I cant explain why it just seems like hearing a bunch of other fighting their demons brought the worst out in me.

That's where AA can be especially helpful. They don't sit around talking about fighting their demons. By getting a sponsor and working the steps, you learn how to let go of all of that. You won't be fighting anything. Why not give it a try?

Welcome Mindflip. As Alizerin said, it's still new for you at two weeks. Understandably, your emotions are all over the place. You didn't care for your past experience with a group situation, but maybe trying AA again would help you focus on something else besides your relationship. With the right group, you shouldn't be triggered into drinking again. I personally just use SR for my support, but it sounds like you could use something more. (I'm shy too, so I do relate to what you said.)

I think you should focus on getting well & put off any decisions about relocating until you have your sea legs. Be kind & patient with yourself, and don't expect everything to get sorted out all at once. I hope that as your confidence grows you'll be able to stop thinking of yourself as broken. That brought tears to my eyes - I felt that way once too. I didn't realize how drinking was pulling me down and sucking the life out of me. I was no good to anyone. Once I began to get my health back I became whole again, and you will too.

We're glad you are here - please keep sharing with us so we can help you get through this.

:)
Since writing is your strong point.....you are going to
find many SR members who are good readers
willing to share with you on how we live happily
clean and sober.

I've found God and living the AA Steps have
allowed me to overcome adversities regardless
of what they were....:yup:

Glad you are here....keep posting

Thanks for the kind words everyone.

It certianly is a flood of thoughts.. Im effectively projecting myself to where I want to be and trying to figure out how im going to get there.

Welcome to SR Mindflip. :welcome

I also quit when my wife gave me an ultimatum to quit or our relationship is over.
That was over a year ago and I gave up a 40 year drinking career to save my relationship.
I did it basically to save my marriage and although it was hard for the first few months I am happy that I did it.
I only use this forum for support but if that doesn't do it for me I am willing to take the next step and go to counseling.
So far I have had no need to do that.
It will get better for you and you will find your relationship with your girlfriend will get much stronger.
Good luck. I think you can definitely do this.

Mind, I am glad you are past 14 days. Even though you might have all kinds of big questions you are trying to figure out (change in country, etc), it seems like you do a good job of running through your feelings by writing.

I noticed you sounded like you wanted to stay recovered through the partner's help, kind of like the recovery is not complete without her there. Maybe you will get something out of the forums that discuss relationships. There will be others that understand your story about dealing with the absent father and filling a void and how the partner fits in. I am not in a relationship, so I don't feel equipped to address that with you, but I think there is something to be said about working on the sense of completeness for oneself.

When it comes to other decisions you want to make (like moving), maybe you should work through those some more (by sharing on the boards here) to find out why those are on the table, ie, do they NEED to be worked on rightaway, for example. Hashing it out with others will help you to put things together, like building blocks. I guess I would try to take as much from everyone as I could (that's what I do when I come here), so that I get myself thinking the way I need to, to stay sober. It doesn't mean that you agree with everything, it's just all works toward the focus on staying sober, to me.

Keep going!

Well, day 64 and still going strong. I don't seem to have any problem not drinking, but I do feel like an alien.

I went out with my partner about a month back to her old work catch up at a bar, at first it was okay for a few hours when it was just social but when everyone cut loose I really didn't enjoy it. I struggled with my partner, like, I really tried to be social and on the level but she started having shots and almost forgot about me. When I put my foot down and said, im really not enjoying it and I wanted to leave she said she would just finish her drink (already well drunk by this time), this took like an hour to complete the drink and I was so frustrated I wanted to pick it up and drink it just to get out of there..

She says she is 100% behind me but I don't feel like it.. In actual fact, it's the times that I feel alone and abandoned that I come on here...

Tonight is another prime example... I came home at 4.30, expecting her home around the same time. I set up candles in the bathroom and ran a hot bath with various scents etc, looking forward to spending some time together and appreciating her presence afer a long week of work. 6.30 rolled around and she still wasn't home, I rang her at 6.45 and got no answer, she rang back at 7pm and I asked where she was and it turned out she was at work drinks, she ended up coming home at about 8.30pm with a work collegue. She saw that I had gone to some effort, told me she loved me, and then decided to put makeup on and get changed to go out clubbing. She said she would be back in an hour and I told her not to make promises she wont keep, so she responded with a I will be back asap..

It's times like these I hate being sober, I gave up all of my friends and my life for her yet it seems to be a one way street sometimes. I just want to be able to go out with her and have a drink, be social and not get carried away. I want to enjoy the goodtimes with friends, not be the sober guy who doesn't exist when hes sober.

I know not drinking is good for me, but I feel like it's not good for us. I feel like her altermatum is driving us apart...

It seems like everything in my life has to change for this relationship but nothing in hers.

I resent it all, I hate myself for being the instrument in this whole thing. I think I am seriously depressed or just pain stuffed in the head.

Anyway, my quote of the day:

Sometimes you're flush and sometimes you're bust, and when you're up, it's never as good as it seems, and when you're down, you never think you'll be up again, but life goes on.

I understand your frustration, but people who are not addicts don't get how really hard it is to stay sober. I could not be around people who were drinking for a long time.

I can tell you this, recovering involves a lot of changes. I don't believe you can just remove the alcohol and carry on as things were. I don't believe that it works that way. It could help you to get out on your own, get involved in some activities like sports or volunteering and meet people in venues where alcohol is not involved.

I wish the best for you and your partner.

I wanted that too - but I had to accept it wasn't possible, Mindflip.

There's a lot here about your partner and your relationship - I'm wondering what you see are the benefits of sobriety - for you?

It took me a long time to be comfortable in my own skin - that was one of the reasons I started drinking in the first place.

For a long time I had defined myself by how others saw me or by my relationship to others.

One of the greatest benefits of sobriety and recovery was coming to terms with being me.

It was a lot of work - not drinking was only the beginning - but it was life changing, really.

D

Yes, activities are always a good start. At the moment I feel like balling up and telling the world to go away. I seem to just go to work and come home, all I look forward to are the close moments with her, I cherish them so much.

Dee - The benefits, well.. to be completely honest I don't know the real answer. The benefit for me is to wake up with someone I truely love and want to spend the rest of my life with.

My life doesn't seem fun anymore, I look at what I was and I feel like a mere shell of my former self, something is eating me and consuming me totally.

I am thinking about sitting my partner down after she has a sleep, whenever it is that she comes home and laying it down.

Something has to give way here, and, the way I see it is as follows:

-Continue as we are and hang in there, I don't see this working somehow.
-She stops drinking.
-If she goes drinking, then I will go drinking too.

The way I see this is, if she really cares about me she wont contiune drinking which leaves two options.. if she opted for the 'we' go drinking, then she negates the altermatum, she would soon throw that idea and get down to not drinking.

I can't be the person sitting at home, admitidly she has only been out about 5 times since I stopped but everytime she has she has drunk to excess (binge drinker).

In the past when we went out she would get so off her face I had to carry her to taxis, I really worry for her safety sitting here where I can't protect her. If something happened to her I could never forgive myself..

i've tried to quit for girls....it never worked for me....
You should have a reason to quit for yourself...

Some of my personal reasons for example:
- can't stand the fatigue, anxiety and depression that goes with addiction
- it costs me way too much money
- it costs me my professional career
- it depletes my spirituality
- it just sucks.....