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Want Everything to Be Better...NOW

Old 03-06-2010, 01:34 AM
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Angry Want Everything to Be Better...NOW

I apologize in advance for the negative tone of this post...I'm venting because it's where I'm at right now and it's a change of pace from me not saying a damn thing.

I just want everything to be better, like right now. I want to be able to sleep. I want the heart pains to go away. I want my fingers to stop twitching. I want to be not warm and not cold. I want to have 2 months instead of 2 days. I want my face and my body to not look and feel like **** anymore. I want a nice relationship. I want my debt gone. I want a better car and a better apartment because I haven't been nice to either. I want someone else besides me to clean up my apartment after the last bender. I want to know if I'm going to be able to get past 3-4 days of sobriety without picking back up or if I'll be drinking again by the end of the weekend.

The funny thing is, I do sit-down meditation which has helped me stay in-the-moment at other times, I just can't shake this whole immediate gratification thing. I know how many years I spent hiding away inside a bottle, struggling for years to piece together some sobriety, and I shouldn't expect everything to be better overnight. But I want it anyways. This stinks.
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:22 AM
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Great things come to those who work hard and wait!!! like you impatience and frustration at havin to read the small print..When quickly wantin to get to the headlines also a part of this whole learnin thing i guess! Good luck. 8 days for me jus now an Feelin Good, Long may it last.
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:32 AM
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I was once invited to join the Instant Gratification Society but I turned it down... cause I wouldn't get my membership materials right away...


I understand where you are. I too wanted everything to be better right away, but it takes time. A good analogy I heard here was if you walk ten miles into the woods it's going to take more than just a few steps to get out again. So true.

Try to keep in in the moment, live just for this day as if it's all you've got. Make Today all it can be. You'll get your two months, it'll just come one day at a time. So make the best of each day as it comes. I'm pullin' for ya!
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:35 AM
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MSR - try not to be discouraged - every day you'll feel a little better, I promise. (I was a daily drinker for almost 25 yrs. & now sober over 2 yrs. after finding SR.) You aren't alone anymore, you have us to vent to & we don't mind a bit. It's all part of the process. You'll go through many phases, & one day you'll wake up with peace of mind and hope in your heart once again. All those things you mentioned will come to pass.

Your desire to feel better NOW should be very encouraging, even if it's frustrating for you at the moment. You'll be more likely to stick it out, rather than go back to square one. Wanting and needing change is what keeps us moving forward to a new day, so it's a healthy thing. You can do this.

Kerbcrawler, congratulations on your 8 days. That's wonderful. Glad you are here with us.
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:55 AM
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Welcome MSR; congrats on your progress and venting is good....gets it out of your system.

I'm on sober Day 19, but I vividly remember the first few days. One thing that has come to me in the last 2.5 weeks is patience and a feeling of calmness...all from being sober...previously patience was the least thing i had...now i am enjoying the waiting (almost)...because i just mark it as more progress for me.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:04 AM
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(((((((((MSR))))))))))

just don't drink. thats all you have to do, and do it for today. i hear you loud and clear on wanting "it" now. i don't know how soon the other stuff that i want will follow, but i know that today i will stay sober. and sometimes the feelings of loneliness are so intense, the thoughts creep in "who cares? have a drink, it will make it better." i think i need to post a picture of myself ten pounds heavier with a bloated face from two months ago...
it does get better... those days add up!!

gg
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:11 AM
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gg makes a great point...the days add up...when I first joined here, my biggest thought was to make it 10 days without a drink, something i have not done in 25 years. Now every day that passes i feel and look measurably better and the days do add up.

after your physical discomfort passes you'll gain more positive thoughts.
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Old 03-06-2010, 06:54 AM
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MSR, take comfort in knowing you are not alone. There are many times where I want it all now, too. I think to myself "I gave up drinking, so now I should have the promotion. Now I should have that wonderful relationship. etc etc."

It reminds me of a commercial on TV here where they have the "Easy" button. You press it, and everything falls into place. But how much fun would life be if all we had to do was press the "easy" button?

At the time I was first getting sober, I really wanted things to get better all at once. Now, in retrospect, it was actually pretty cool to see little things get better every day. One day it was discovering I was sleeping better. One day I discovered I no longer had bags under my eyes. Slow and steady is better because it helps to carry you from one day to the next. Each small improvement you see is added onto the other improvements and gives you momentum.

One of the areas I go to on this site when I am feeling like there is nothing good in my life, or that things aren't happening fast enough, is the "Gratitude List". It reminds me to stop fretting about the things I don't have, and to start enjoying the things I do have.

Hang in there and stay strong!
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Old 03-06-2010, 07:20 AM
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I'm only on day 5 of my latest attempt myself. But what keeps me trying is how great I felt when I was sober. I quit for a year several years ago and felt wonderful. Ya I relapsed, but I know I can quit again, and this time it will stick!

Keep thinking positive thoughts!
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Old 03-06-2010, 08:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Emmy69 View Post
I'm only on day 5 of my latest attempt myself. But what keeps me trying is how great I felt when I was sober. I quit for a year several years ago and felt wonderful. Ya I relapsed, but I know I can quit again, and this time it will stick!

Keep thinking positive thoughts!
It's posts like this that scare the crap out of me...and there are so many similar stories revealed by so many people every day.

I know it's defeatist thinking to worry about more than TODAY, but that's part of the challenge for me...knowing the recitivism rate, knowing how many people reach these huge milestones (months, weeks, years) and yet still end up sacrificing their sobriety, their health, everything they've worked & struggled so hard for, by giving in to the alcoholic urge.

Never has "one day at a time" made more sense.
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Old 03-06-2010, 09:03 AM
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Alcoholism is a life-long condition. You will never be 'cured' as such but more in 'remission'. Only ever one drink away from losing everything.

No need to live in fear of it but healthy respect of that knowledge is crucial. Complacency could potentially set in and the delusion of self-control over booze like all those other nice people creeps back in.

Checking into SR each day should remind you where you came from. Or seeing the "shakers" at an AA meeting.
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Old 03-06-2010, 09:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Fluffhead72 View Post
It's posts like this that scare the crap out of me...and there are so many similar stories revealed by so many people every day.

I know it's defeatist thinking to worry about more than TODAY, but that's part of the challenge for me...knowing the recitivism rate, knowing how many people reach these huge milestones (months, weeks, years) and yet still end up sacrificing their sobriety, their health, everything they've worked & struggled so hard for, by giving in to the alcoholic urge.

Never has "one day at a time" made more sense.
Why do you think im always going on about AA? The amount of times i did a substantial amount of time to drink again, every time over 20 years!!! It was absolute torture, this in itself is enough to drive anyone insane IMO, and then...what you keel over at a ripe old age and your whole life has been about alcohol, either consuming it or trying to avoid it...

I'm not having a go at anyone here, but seriously if anyone wants it to be different this time then do something different this time...took me so long to see that:-)
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:14 AM
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Midwest, I am familiar with the desire to have at least or two things on a personal wish list restored/repaired ASAP. Those thoughts came into my mind around 10 years ago, and I just kept drinking on top of them, only to wish it were so easy all over again, in cycles. In the here and now, I can look back and say it would have been nice if I had a big enough desire to love the personal wish list (even one of them), but my addiction to alcohol was the winner for 10 more years instead. If I continued, it would probably be a matter of time (who knows how much time) and I would have serious medical problems or dead. I have alcoholism for life. I have a better understanding of how much value there is each day now and it's one of the first things I think of when I wake up nowadays. Remebering that I don't drink and cannot is a gratifying thought!
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by MidwestSheRides View Post
I apologize in advance for the negative tone of this post...I'm venting because it's where I'm at right now and it's a change of pace from me not saying a damn thing.

I just want everything to be better, like right now. I want to be able to sleep. I want the heart pains to go away. I want my fingers to stop twitching. I want to be not warm and not cold. I want to have 2 months instead of 2 days. I want my face and my body to not look and feel like **** anymore. I want a nice relationship. I want my debt gone. I want a better car and a better apartment because I haven't been nice to either. I want someone else besides me to clean up my apartment after the last bender. I want to know if I'm going to be able to get past 3-4 days of sobriety without picking back up or if I'll be drinking again by the end of the weekend.

The funny thing is, I do sit-down meditation which has helped me stay in-the-moment at other times, I just can't shake this whole immediate gratification thing. I know how many years I spent hiding away inside a bottle, struggling for years to piece together some sobriety, and I shouldn't expect everything to be better overnight. But I want it anyways. This stinks.
It is nice to be able to want things. But wanting things can be painful. That's why -- one of the reasons -- I started drinking wine regularly. When I had taken some wine, I didn't want: I was happy enough.

And I learned this: when I didn't want things, when I was happy enough with the wine, when the wine had dulled the pain a little, nothing happened.

Wanting is painful, sometimes; but without the wanting, nothing happens.

This is a cycle I repeated for years.
It is better to have the pain of wanting, than the drunken no-want-I'm-fine feeling. Because without the want, nothing happens. Nothing happened for me for ages. All because of the pain of the want. I got rid of the want with wine and ... no want, no happen.

It has been hard for me so see this about my use of wine.
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Old 03-06-2010, 10:32 AM
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I hope you feel better soon!
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Old 03-06-2010, 12:29 PM
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Give it time..
Things will look different in a while..
They have a saying here .. roughly translated " No matter how dark it was, it always became light again.."
Wish you the best.
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Old 03-06-2010, 01:21 PM
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My counselor once told me that "the problem with instant gratification is that it doesn't come quick enough!"

I've come to appreciate time, however. I didn't realize how quickly time goes by than when I got sober and realized how much time I had wasted. It was like I went to sleep one day, had a really bad dream and woke up 30 years later. Yikes!

I don't look in the rear view mirror with regrets though because it's made me the person I am today - sober, grateful, calm, content (most of the time).

And since I've been given this second chance, I want to enjoy it, grow in it and savor it s-l-o-w-l-y.

Very cliche but very true...life really is too short.
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Old 03-06-2010, 02:48 PM
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Originally Posted by MidwestSheRides View Post
I apologize in advance for the negative tone of this post...I'm venting because it's where I'm at right now and it's a change of pace from me not saying a damn thing.

I just want everything to be better, like right now. I want to be able to sleep. I want the heart pains to go away. I want my fingers to stop twitching. I want to be not warm and not cold. I want to have 2 months instead of 2 days. I want my face and my body to not look and feel like **** anymore. I want a nice relationship. I want my debt gone. I want a better car and a better apartment because I haven't been nice to either. I want someone else besides me to clean up my apartment after the last bender. I want to know if I'm going to be able to get past 3-4 days of sobriety without picking back up or if I'll be drinking again by the end of the weekend.

The funny thing is, I do sit-down meditation which has helped me stay in-the-moment at other times, I just can't shake this whole immediate gratification thing. I know how many years I spent hiding away inside a bottle, struggling for years to piece together some sobriety, and I shouldn't expect everything to be better overnight. But I want it anyways. This stinks.

"do you go to meetings?"
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:45 PM
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Thanks all for the posts. I took my motorcycle out for a little ride and I'm feeling better right now; stopped at an recovery club and spent a few minutes talking with another about the past. Believe I'll even clean up the apartment myself tonight.

Kerbcrawler: "Great things come to those who work hard and wait" congrats on your 8 days and thanks for the reminder!

Least: "I was once invited to join the Instant Gratification Society but I turned it down... cause I wouldn't get my membership materials right away" lol

"if you walk ten miles into the woods it's going to take more than just a few steps to get out again" I really like this one, won't forget it

Hevyn: "...we don't mind a bit" and Fandy "venting is good" thanks for this, I need frequent reminders to not shut myself off from everyone, that I really and truly can't do this alone and that I need to open up. Congrats on 19 days Fandy!

Ghostgirl: "just don't drink" funny how the simplest one is the hardest to do when the monkey chatter doesn't shut up

Omega10: that's exactly what I wanted, an Easy button. I need to remember it's the drinking, but it's not the drinking. With the drinking gone, all you're left with is a ******* version of someone you thought you knew once. And that's what needs to be fixed.

Emmy69: hang in there, 5 days is an awesome beginning

Neomarxist: "one drink away from losing everything" so true

Penny74: "No matter how dark it was, it always became light again" reminds me of part of my meditation practice...'this too will change'

Spawn: I have been going to meetings for 3 years. Smart enough to keep going back, dump enough to yet continue to drink and wondering why nothing's changing

Thanks all,
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Old 03-06-2010, 05:54 PM
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Way to go, Fandy! You continue to be an inspiration to us all.
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