Six months for me - but not my boyfriend

Old 03-05-2010, 08:45 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 438
Six months for me - but not my boyfriend

I'm having all kinds of feelings - good, bad, and mixed over breaking up with the man I've been dating and living with for a little over a year now. I met him in AA when I had about a month sober and he had about two...he'd been in and out of the program for many years, at one time staying sober for over seven years, and as a relative newcomer (I'd started attending meetings for a few months prior to getting my first 30 days) I found him to be very knowledgeable and comfortable with the program, and I liked the fact that he attended at least one or two meetings a day.

I know the general advice is "don't date for the first year" that you're sober. Well, I did. Even today, I can't say I totally regret the was in lots of ways a good relationship and it came at a time in my life when (aside from my alcoholism) I was ready to share my life with another person.

We both seemed to be growing in AA, as individuals, and as a couple for the first six months or so, and last November my boyfriend started a four-month technology course at our local community college, preparing him for a very well-paying job. He worked hard, made terrific grades, and really seemed to enjoy what he was doing.

But then Christmas break came, and with nearly four weeks of free time he once again started hanging out with his partying friends...drinking some, but mostly smoking pot (his DOC.) As if this wasn't troubling enough, he decided to drop out of school.

I knew it was time to break off the broke my heart to see him fall away from AA and lose the motivation he'd seemed so full of only weeks earlier. I cared alot about him (and still do) but I can't be with him under the circumstances.

After initially being upset with me for kicking him out, he became resigned to the situation and we've been pretty friendly in recent days.

I know I'm doing the right thing to break up with him, but I'm dreading the actual moment when it happens. Prior to this relationship, I was married for 17 years and I just don't have alot of experience with relationships in general. I also don't tend to have the highest self-esteem or confidence in the world, so I'm feeling a little scared.

Any advice, experience, strength or hope would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for letting me share this.

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Old 03-05-2010, 09:46 AM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well done on your 6 months....

Please look in your 12 & 12 119 is about
relationships. Also....note what Step it's under....

I ask my sponsees to finish their Steps before starting
a new romance. Those that do.... have a smoother time.

I'm sad when I see a new person being hit on
by a member who is not following the program.
He was not or he would have never started with you
when you were new and confused.

Short version...he's a poor excuse for a man...
The quicker you cut ties....the better for you.
You need to protect yourself...and I.m glad to know that.
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Old 03-05-2010, 10:25 AM
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Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
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Stephanie, very well done on your sober time, please continue to do the next right thing in spite of what anyone else is doing.

I'm in total agreement with Carol on this one. Nothing insures sobriety like working with others and a steady recovery diet focused on the Steps and the program, and definitely makes a huge difference in a healthy relationship.

My experience.....I've been divorced in sobriety and I got remarried in sobriety. Without the programs of AA, CoDA, and Celebrate Recovery I'd probably be a mess, but now I have all the tools required to work through and relationship issues. One thing that has made a difference for me is to be as "equally yoked" with my partner as possible. What does that mean? I'll share this simple definition........

II Corinthians 6:14 tells us to not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers.
In the Bible days when people would plow their fields they would use an equal yoke. Which simply meant they would use two oxen, or two cows, two mules, etc... It was an equal yoke so the animals would pull a straight line. If you put an ox and a mule together it would be crooked

What that says to me Steph, is that I kept dating mules instead of waiting for God to lead me to an ox
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Old 03-05-2010, 11:38 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 1,590
Steph, I'm sorry the relationship went this way, but I think it is a really good thing that you end it and at most be acquaintances (ie, no intimacy either to spell it out) if even friends. I like the choice to keep your sobriety up there and if you have to, cut your losses with the boyfriend.

At first sight I don't agree with Carol's word choice about the boyfriend. (Not sure if you do.) On the other hand, I agree with whatever it takes to be sure you are taking care of yourself, and maybe it will help to see things the same way. Being sober is the main thing, so I hope you will be OK during this change in the relationship.
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Old 03-05-2010, 12:43 PM
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Location: New England
Posts: 73
Congratulations on six months! That's a great accomplishment. I'm new to SR and also early in my latest attempt at sobriety. So I'm not sure I can give any advice at this point. But from everything I've heard and read, the odds of successfully staying in recovery and living with a drinker are huge and almost impossible. You did the right thing by dropping him.

My wife is also a heavy drinker. I'm committed to recovery and this time I will be successful. I know at some point I will have to make a decsision to either seperate from her or force the issue of her quitting. I'm not there yet, but I know that if I expect stay sober it's either with her sober, or without her. I've got enough on my plate right now and I need to focus on myself, (just like you're doing) but I dread the decision that will be coming at some point to too far away. Thanks for your story and stay strong!
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