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Old 03-03-2010, 07:05 AM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 8
New Member

I'm new here and after lurking around, reading some of the posts, I decided to make contact and say 'hi'.

I have yet to have any significant sober time and am trying to figure out how to get through that first night. It is always the night that is hardest for me and the thought of lying in bed for hours on end waiting just kills me. I spend the night worrying and recalling things I don't want to, I often end up in tears and so anxious that I am balled up tight, tight. If I drink at night, I simply pass out and come to the next day - there is no lying in bed thinking.
I live in a one room basement apartment with my fiance so I can't just get up and watch TV or read when I can't sleep because he needs to sleep....

I have been through a rehab program about 3 years ago and was successful, but then my father died and I started 'the slide' (we all know about that, I'm sure) to where I am today. I am no where near the drunk I was in the past, but I am afraid of getting there and of what is happening to my health. Also, I suffer from major depression as well as life-long battle with an eating disorder. I am a mess and drinking always let me forget what a waste of a life I am....that is, until the next morning when the guilt would consume me and I would drink again to be rid of that feeling. I have such feelings of loathing for myself and I can't seem to find it in me to care enough about my own life and health to quit. My doctor has reported many times that my liver is sick, that I can't drink, but I'm not fazed when she says that. I can't remember the last time I cared for myself in any way....

I don't have any friends, just a wonderful fiance who supports me in every way. I don't have the kind of family you can talk to either and AA is not the place for me. I am looking into a support group for women in my neighbourhood while I'm waiting for treatment to begin. Always a waiting list...

Oh well, sober so far today and will be for at least the next few hours as I try to keep myself busy doing things.

Hope everyone is safe today.
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Old 03-03-2010, 07:13 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,142
Hi and Welcome,

I understand your feelings coming through during the night. That happens to me too. I never have alcohol in the house for that reason. It just makes life more simple.

Maybe exercising during the day, or walking in the evening would help to make you sleepy.
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Old 03-03-2010, 07:24 AM
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We Do Recover
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome! Glad you are here. This is a great place for support. We do recover.
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Old 03-03-2010, 09:20 AM
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Follow Directions!
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Welcome to SR Suomi.

Now this is simply my opinion & that is it, but if you needed to go through rehab before it seems to me that you need a long term recovery program.

When you went through rehab before did they suggest a long term recovery program?

Did you follow all of their suggestions?

From my experience no long term recovery program works for any one for any length of time unless they WORK it daily. To WORK a program means to WORK the WHOLE program daily, not picking what parts of a program one likes to WORK, and ignoring the parts they do not feel like working.

I can assure you that every single long term recovery program has parts of it that are hard to do, or one does not want to do in early sobriety.

The reason the hard parts are in every program is because recovery that works is not in early sobriety easy, but experience has shown that in order for someone to recover they have to do things that at first they do not want to do.

If recovery were easy there would be no long term recovery programs, one would walk out of rehab or IIOP and just simply not drink any more.
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Old 03-03-2010, 02:12 PM
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 224
HI. I am pretty new to this, but wanted to welcome you here. I just joined recently but already have gained a great deal from the folks on this forum. Keep coming back. Hope you find what you need. It sounds like you are ready. And I am very sorry for your father's passing. Very very sorry for the pain of that loss.
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Old 03-03-2010, 02:30 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!!

I, too, lurked for a while before joining in. There are some very supportive people here, 24/7.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 03-03-2010, 04:51 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 8
Came back...


Thank you for the responses to my post. It certainly is nice to feel heard in some way. The sensitivity and care from this site is encouraging even at this very early, early stage for me.

I have so much to say, to many things to express and I can only hope that I have the strength and the courage to keep talking...
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Old 03-03-2010, 04:57 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 210,640
Hi Suomi

Welcome to SR.
I've always found it difficult to care for myself too - but you can can negate those negative feelings of 'why bother' worthlessness.

We're a great bunch here of amazing wonderful people. I have no reason to think you won't fit right in

I sympathise with the insomnia - I had it for years, but not drinking has helped to make it a rare event for me now.

Like Anna says, I don't keep alcohol in my house - to me it's just putting your head in the lions mouth.

Hope to see you around more.
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:25 PM
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Toronto, Ontario
Posts: 8
Wow...I'm mad

You know,

I'm angry!!!!

Why is it that there those of us that are 'given' this path? Why is it that this beast of addiction shows up in our lives and not in those of others????? While others walk in sunshine and know not of our darkness????

I know that in time i will stop wondering about this, but for now I'm P*#sed about it. I hate that i was not given a fair shot at life, with a family littered with alcoholics and those suffering with depression. I hate it that when I was young, young, young remember feeling bad about being alive and have always felt bad about being around. URGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to feel joy for the first time in a long time....I want to laugh and mean it, not just 'put it on' for show when I am around people. I just want to walk and feel that I should be here, that I deserve to be 34 years I have yet to find that.

Most of all, i want to find that without the deception of alcohol...
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Old 03-03-2010, 05:31 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,142
I believe that everything in our lives happens for a purpose.

The reason we are here on earth at this time, is to learn and grow. Life isn't easy. And, I think if you look closely at some of the people who you think have it easy, you would find that there is a 'story' underneath.

I hope that you find peace in recovery. I did.
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