Kjell

Facts
I'm on day 60 of being sober (this time, had some false starts since Sept of 09). I'm on/about day 60 of doing 90 AA meetings in 90 days. I'm working on step 4. I pray, I call my sponsor, I call and interact with other alcoholics, I chair one meeting a week, make coffee, clean up, etc... I have 4 outpatient meetings left and I'll have completed a "12 week" outpatient program.

Thoughts
I've had my good days and bad, which is what life is all about or so I'm learning, but overall, this has been very painful, awkward, and uneasy experience.

One thing that really stuck out, was how many resentments I really have. Also how angry, selfish, immature, and just ill equipped I am towards life and all who live in it. ...and just how insane I was and am now without alcohol and drugs.

I still want an instant fix, an instant synthetic "make me feel good" attitude and life fix, and I still try over and over to find ways to do this (5 hour energy drinks, candy, junk food, cigs and I don't even smoke).

I'll continue to put one foot in front of the other, get up in the morning and go to work (literally and figuratively), go to AA, therapy, pray and just have faith that this will all work out. I know I can never drink again successfully. I will die an alcoholic no matter if I never have another drink.

Thanks for reading.

Kjell

vegibean

Hi Kjell!!! If I told you that you sound "normal" to me would you believe that? Seriously, you sound like you're right where you're supposed to be.

It is very hard to get through this, it's still very early for you but it sounds like you're doing everything you can be doing to get yourself on the successful road of Recovery!!

I went through so many of the same things that you expressed up there in your post and what I can tell you is that IT WILL GET BETTER!!!! Hang in there!!

Just remember "one day at a time", "easy does it", "just for today" and all those lovely cliche's.

Keep posting, you know you will get tons of support as always from your SR family.

hippychicky

IMO, maybe you need to start a workout program. I joined the YMCA and hired a trainer. Now I'm accountable. Also, have you ever thought about a Life Coach?

keithj

FACTS:
You are doing all the things you should be doing. Step 4 is usually a pretty uncomfortable time. There is no getting around it, it's not a lot of fun.

But, we saw that it really worked in others, and were convinced that our way of living wasn't working.

If I've truly turned my will and life over, I don't get to pick whether or not I feel good about it. I don't get to demand that I feel good.

keithj

You know, people get pissed off when I point out things like this, but really, how well has this worked for this person?

IMO, the opinions on how to stay sober from someone that can't stay sober
aren't worth much.

yeahgr8

Kjell you are right where i was when i did my step 4...not a nice time at all, doing 30 mins writing then leaving it for 2 days then back again...after doing the first piece of writing i said to myself im not doing this in my flat, it was that painful, and found a quiet cafe nearby and finished the step 4 over the next week or so...i must have seen my sponsor at least 4 times whilst doing step 4, it took me 2 meetings with him to understand what he meant by the most important piece is your part in it, i.e. the fourth column...doing step 4 was far 'worse', for me, than doing the amends but the relief i got in step 5 was indescribable and to finally see myself as i was...well it was eye opening and almost life someone explaining a riddle that i spent all my life trying to understand...

You are right where you need to be, and yeah you gonna feel all sorts of stuff and a lot of it is not going to sit well but i promise you it is worth it:-)

Yeah i think probably leave taking up a new hobby on the backburner for now!

wichitalineman

Hey Kjell,

Hang in there. It's definitely not easy but worth it. You sound like you are pointed in the right direction and making progress towards the good. You can do it!!!

Kjell

Lot of weight in that statement. Uuh boy...

hippychicky

I respect your opinion and appreciate it. What works for one doesn't always work for another or vice-versa. The reasons I hired a trainer are: 1.To help support & encourage me 2.To help me get my figure back from the ravages of alcohol (& food) abuse
No, I haven't been able to stay sober, but hoping that now I can & will....

Kjell

Your reply really cracked me up as it's very true (and obviously funny!).

Thank you - message received.

Kjell

Actually, I'm starting one today (P90X with my sister). I think working out and eating right is a great idea and one that is important no matter who or what we are.

I think the Life Coach is a good idea, but I feel I've got that covered with the program of AA.

shaun00

Step 4 aint no walk in the park.......or to the gym...lol
for me "the truth" was clear and painful..
for me theres a lot of truth in "my problems where of my own making".
My mind was cluttered up with bile and hate.

More will be revealed im sure.......imo your daily work should include inventory.
just because i completed a 4 dont mean i cease to cop the odd resentment.
most of them on s.r....lol..lol..lol..

id be interested to hear how you progress through the rest...
god be with you.