I did it again... I'm new to soberrecovery, although I have visited the site on occassion before, usually on a day like today, a day after yet another binge, when I feel so stupid for letting it happen AGAIN...after all the "planning" - I'll just have one drink, I'll drink slow this time, I'll drink a bottle of water in between drinks, blah, blah, blah. And yet here I am, feeling like crap, even taking a day off from work for my binge on Saturday night / Sunday morning. I feel like I don't know what to do anymore...do I really have to STOP drinking completely? It sure looks that way. I can't control myself and I hate it. It's like after that first drink, it's over. My poor husband, he's been so good, so supportive, he tries to help me and ends up having to babysit me. He ends up on the receiving end of my unpredictable behavior, which has gotten pretty ugly and 9 out of 10 times is not "happy" behavior. I don't drink all the time, I've gone months without a drink, it depends on what plans I have - parties, holidays, etc. And I don't always binge drink, I can control myself around family more than around friends, but I feel like I'm losing that control. I've been binge drinking for as long as I've been drinking, blacking out, waking up in bed and not remembering how I got there. All because I want to feel comfortable, let go of my insecurities. So I drink, and I loosen up and feel more comfortable, less insecure. But after a certain point, I can't stop and I start downing drinks and getting mad at anyone that tries to stop me, not realizing they're just trying to help me avoid doing something I'll regret. Who knows what I've done in my life that I'll never have a memory of - that's one of the worst feelings. I just want to be the type of person that can just go out and have a few drinks with friends and not have to do drugs or get overly drunk, but it seems like I'll never be that person - I CAN'T be that person and I just have to accept it. I have this conversation with my husband after every binge and I promise not to let it happen again, but it always does. I hope I have the strength and willpower to stop this vicious cycle. I have a birthday party to go to in 2 weeks and all I can think about is "will I be able to not drink?"...It's disturbing that I have to ask myself a question like that. So here it goes, I'm making today DAY #1. No more excuses, no more regrets. |
Good morning BMK . welcome back to SR Are you willing to do what ever it takes to stay sober ? Are you drinkin everyday ? you really didnt say , reason I ask is you mite wanna check w/ a Dr .. HOws bout getting up and makin some meeting in AA or Smart. or what ever works for you just as long as its a support system . Your hubs can as well do something to hepl him that would be Alanon . If your serious you will do what ever it takes to work a program of recovery and not just talk bout it and not try and control it , there is no such thing for an alki .. were all just one drink away from death .. the key is to not pick up that fist drink at any cost .. that first drink takes over rational thinkin and bamm your on your way to what you discribe . You mention a b party ? Do you think its that important ? Im guessing there will be drinkin there ? most here will tell you that spells danger for someone in early recovery . thats pushing to temptation to relapse , that lil voice in your head will say hey Im ok I can have just one to relax , WRONG .. you said it yourself in your post . So for now hows bout just worring about today forget bout that party . and focus on what you need to do for yourself .. recovery starts there . not for someone else it starts with you ! pick up the phone call the support network of your choice get a schedule and start workin it now .. it can surly save your life and make it way better Im a recovering alki myself workin tords 7 yrs sober ... it is possible but you gotta want it and you gotta work it , it wont come to your door . ~ huggled Endzy~ |
Hi and Welcome! I'm glad you have decided to stop drinking. I also had blackout periods and it is the most frightening experience to have parts of your life completely forgotten. For me, I could not be around alcohol for quite some time when I stopped drinking, so I would skip the birthday party. Stopping drinking is very hard and adding stress by being around people who are drinking makes it so much worse. I hope you keep reading and posting. |
Welcome to SR. This place has been a lifeline and another tool I use along with my recovery one day at a time. Hi Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic. By the grace of my HP and people like u here in SR I havent found it necessary to pick up another drink of "POISON" since 8-11-90. For that and u I am truely grateful. Sharing your story here allows others struggling with alcohol know that they too are not. 19 yrs ago my drinking was intercepted by a family intervention sending me to rehab via the back seat of a police car. Why u ask.... Well....i slowly spiraled out of control hitting bottom and crashing hard. I was miserable with life, family, and low self worth. All i wanted to do was end it. A failed attempt with pills landed me on the ground floor of the psch ward of a rehab center. One day and night of evaluations concluded that i wasnt mentally ill. Rather i had a drinking problem. I spent 28 days on my own wishes because no one thought id stay sober on my own, including myself. Those days, i was handed the tools and knowledge of my alcoholism and thus set on a path of a one day at a time road of recovery. I took those steps and principles set down before us to guide me and use them in my everyday affairs. Many meetings later and a many ODAAT collected together tp get me where I am today, i continue to share my story of what it was like before during and after drinking. With willingness, open-mindedness and finally honesty and working a program of recovery to the best of my ability I have reaped the rewards and promises stated in the Big Book of Alcoholics anonymous. That book is like the bible for AA. It has all the answers needed to guide u along ur journey. Taking it to big book studies helped me understand the words and its meaning. Just like going to school to learn to be an Engineer, or Music Major, u have to have books to learn. So does having a book to learn and guide u to staying sober. Use SR, meetings, books, tapes, fellowship to ur advantage to staying sober odaat. That way u never have to feel alone in recovery. |
Hi BmK, welcome....I am not so experienced to give advice, I've been sober for only 14 days....BUT my current experience tells me that I, myself can't even go to a restaurant that serves alcohol right now....I stick with the little Italian place that is a BYOB and drink their cappuchino. you may wish to reconsider parties that involve a lot of people who do drink for now if your resolve is wavering. |
I use to think i didnt have enough sober time to help anyone when i first came into recovery. Then as i heard those with lengths of sobriety share I did....i smiled in amazement. They explained to me that if i woke up this morning sober and made it 24 hours sober then i had a day to share with new comer. All i had to do was suit up and show up sober and explain how i stayed sober that 24 hours. What did you do? Did you visit here on SR? Did you make a meeting which lasts only and hour? If others see u sober then that gives the newcomer hope that if u can ,,,,then they can. Helping a newcomer is what helps me stay sober one more day. Coming here sharing my own ESH helps me stay sober. Keep Coming Back. It Works If You Work it. |
Hi and welcome, Your pattern of drinking is just like mine was. It ended for me when I finally realised that no amount of planning or control was ever going to stop the inevitable madness and chaos in my life when I took that first drink. I fought for a long time and brought out every weapon I had to beat my alcohol problem but it just got stronger and beat me more. When I finally surrendered and quit fighting, suprisingly it was actually a relief. I'm an alcoholic and I go to AA. I cannot stay sober unless I work the 12 step program of AA. Why don't you try going to a meeting. You can take your husband with you for support if you want - just check out the schedule online to see if it is an "open" meeting which means that even people who don't have the desire to stop drinking can attend. Take care. |
You wrote my story! I can so identify, i did the exact same thing and it has destroyed so much..and yet, each time I think I can have "just a couple"...and soon its out of control and i have hurt someone i love... *sigh* we are alcholics, that is for sure |
Welcome! I am glad you posted. You will find all kinds of support, wisdom, and kind folks here. There's been lots of great advice already in this thread. I just want to add that I really liked you "No more excuses, no more regrets" line. That's exactly how I felt! That sentence rocks! I am still new to the sobriety game, so others might be able to offer perspectives from a different vantage point. All I can add is that in the relatively small amount of time I have been sober, I have had an exponentially increasing love for life and everything I do in it. I wish you much luck and happiness. Welcome to SR!! |
Wow, thank you all so much for your comments...I know you all know what I'm going through and I appreciate all the kind words and advice. endzoner...no, I don't drink every day, but I know you don't have to be an every day drinker to be considered an alcoholic. I have gone through bad binges where I did drink nonstop for a few days at a time, mostly when I was younger, when I used to do drugs as well as drink. Thankfully, I've been able to cut out the drugs and I've been trying to "control" the alcohol, but I realize that there is no "controlling" it. Alcoholism truly is a disease and I'm going to start treating it that way. I have been to meetings in the past and I'm going to start attending them again. Just posting on SR once has made me feel so much better & stronger. Thank you all for your support! |
Welcome BMK. You have it. You want to stop with all your heart. You came to SR and posted. You are going to go to meetings. I see someone that's going to go to all lengths. Just remember "For today, don't drink no matter what." :) |
Hi BmK The realisation that I could never control my drinking and never would was a turning point for me - I hope it will be for you too :) Welcome to SR :) D |
Originally Posted by BmK
(Post 2530162)
I have this conversation with my husband after every binge and I promise not to let it happen again, but it always does. I hope I have the strength and willpower to stop this vicious cycle. . |
You wrote my story too!! And sadly I am going to have agree with those that posted about you skipping the bday party. I have one coming up too that I am going to have to skip because I know I can't put myself in that environment. Thankfully, or ironically I feel like I am coming down with a cold and probably won't be well enough to go anyways.. ;) blessing... |
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