starting again, hope it works
 

Hello all
Im new here,

I never would have thought Not doing something would be the hardest thing I would ever do.

its so difficult to avoid the JUSTIFICATION monster! I can sell myself a excuse to drink faster than anything. Every thing i have done for most of my life somehow involved drinking. Now i cant just have one or 2, it goes right into several bottles of wine and bits i dont remember, staying at home in shame getting housed playing online games so now one see's me. I'll get 2 days in and feeling healthy then that justification monster kicks in. then the days of hateing myself kick in. Being diabetic does not help ether.
Im trying though. at 37 I have been a chef for 20 years, i just closed my company last year.
I moved away from all my people who were a bad influence on me and me on them.
Im now a full time student in Fine arts school and it really does make me happy.
I just cant stand it when i slip up, i cant stand hateing my self for it. and why is it sooo hard to break this chain, i dont want it, but there it is. So i go up and down, to my classes and home to my room, day in day out, Im soo close if i could break this cycle im really on the verge of being a new me and I want to like this guy.

I just have to kick this dang habbit,,,,, grrr

well thats my rant for now thanks for letting me let it out
D

It sounds like you believe in yourself and that you can continue your education and move forward in your life.

Believe in yourself that you can live a sober life, and that you deserve it. Don't let the self-loathing drive you back to drinking.

Deeztryin, i could have written these words..EXACTLY! breakin a powerful cycle of habit/Addiction, Many here seem to have it beaten..Clearly can be done..Good luck to you too..:cries3:

I agree completely. Self hatred kept me drinking cause I thought I didn't deserve a better life, that I was a loser so felt justified in living the life of a loser. Now that I'm sober I can see clearly the lies I told myself and allowed myself to believe. I DO deserve a decent life and living sober IS a decent life. You deserve a good life too. Please find a way to get and stay sober. It takes some effort on your part but is very much worth it.

Welcome to SR! :welcome

thanks all, ya the hatred can me a B@tch but its kinda hard not to, i do try and have gotten a lot better at it, Its been about 8 months sense i have thrown the switch and have actively been trying to quit 100% . i think ive just been to much of a recluse. i probly should find a group, i just dont trust people, and dont want anything thats based on religion. So i just pile on lots of classes and home work to keep me busy.

While I do find AA to be an awesome adventure
it's not the only way to be sucessfully happily sober.
Many of our SR members are doing just that
in various ways......:yup:

Welcome to our recovery community
:wavey:

Hi deeztryin

I definitely relate on the rationalisations and on the self hatred too.
I struggled for a long time *nearly quitting* and then drinking heavily...over and over.

I think support is really important - SR is great for that, and face to face support like AA helps too.

Welcome aboard!
D