No Extremes.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
No Extremes.
I remember when i was new to sobriety I mourned the extremes of active alcoholism/drug addiction.
It seemed hard to comprehend a future without feeling 10 miles high and just wanting to kiss the sky in ecstacy and wonderfull euphoria. That inexplicable moment where you are in perfect harmony with your surroundings and your mind is just pulsating with joy and you just want to shake somebodys hand and tell them how great it is to be alive... But then no sooner as you 'had it' you've lost it again.
The next few hours/days spent chasing and chasing that magic feeling, only to not be able to get any higher anymore, instead just poisoning your body and running away from the comedown. Utter desolation.
In recovery I don't feel sadness about this anymore. For this alcoholic/drug addict there is just no point in even bothering entertaining the idea, as that magic long since died.
I like the person who I am now and I am glad I experienced what I experienced. But I am glad I am able to live with serenity that I know I am an alcoholic/addict. Without this Acceptance then I would have to once again feel that indescribable desolation that only an alcoholic knows. I don't miss that at all but I never forget that I am only ever one drink away from losing everything.
Life is so much more simple now. I now have faith. Not in a religious way but in spirituality and it feels great. My drinking and drugging started out with the hippy ideal of peace and love but just like that hippy ideal quickly turned into dark depressive alcoholism and drug addiction. Ironic that I used to think I was finding peace and Love in getting out of my head when I had inside me all along... It just took me to reach my rockbottom before I had any chance of finding it.
peace and love xxx
It seemed hard to comprehend a future without feeling 10 miles high and just wanting to kiss the sky in ecstacy and wonderfull euphoria. That inexplicable moment where you are in perfect harmony with your surroundings and your mind is just pulsating with joy and you just want to shake somebodys hand and tell them how great it is to be alive... But then no sooner as you 'had it' you've lost it again.
The next few hours/days spent chasing and chasing that magic feeling, only to not be able to get any higher anymore, instead just poisoning your body and running away from the comedown. Utter desolation.
In recovery I don't feel sadness about this anymore. For this alcoholic/drug addict there is just no point in even bothering entertaining the idea, as that magic long since died.
I like the person who I am now and I am glad I experienced what I experienced. But I am glad I am able to live with serenity that I know I am an alcoholic/addict. Without this Acceptance then I would have to once again feel that indescribable desolation that only an alcoholic knows. I don't miss that at all but I never forget that I am only ever one drink away from losing everything.
Life is so much more simple now. I now have faith. Not in a religious way but in spirituality and it feels great. My drinking and drugging started out with the hippy ideal of peace and love but just like that hippy ideal quickly turned into dark depressive alcoholism and drug addiction. Ironic that I used to think I was finding peace and Love in getting out of my head when I had inside me all along... It just took me to reach my rockbottom before I had any chance of finding it.
peace and love xxx
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Great post Neo!
I feel the same way.
I love the peace that I have in my life now, and I love that things are simple.
I feel exhausted just thinking about all the energy I put into drinking.
Looking inward is definitely the answer!
I feel the same way.
I love the peace that I have in my life now, and I love that things are simple.
I feel exhausted just thinking about all the energy I put into drinking.
Looking inward is definitely the answer!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Lovely, Neo. Absolutely my thoughts exactly - especially the hippy stuff. Trying to find those old feelings almost killed me. As you said, though - the peace and love was inside us all along. Who knew?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
No headache, depression, anxiety, guilt, remorse, addiction.
when I was drinking I would be wasted by now on a Sunday morning. My stash would have probably run out and I would have to stagger round to the shop to pick up some more. The thought of being intoxicated but having mo more supplies used to fill me with utter dread and I used to think I would die or something. I remember the racing panic like it was yesterday thankfully.
So glad that I feel calm, collected and sober today!!
Increase The peace
when I was drinking I would be wasted by now on a Sunday morning. My stash would have probably run out and I would have to stagger round to the shop to pick up some more. The thought of being intoxicated but having mo more supplies used to fill me with utter dread and I used to think I would die or something. I remember the racing panic like it was yesterday thankfully.
So glad that I feel calm, collected and sober today!!
Increase The peace
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Seattle!
Posts: 211
I hear you, Neo. No headaches, no depression, no waking up feeling dead on a Sunday morning, just to set out to the corner shop to buy YET ANOTHER pint of whisky from the same dude that I bought one from just last evening. How embarrassing was that!
Great thread! Perfect for my Sunday, wink wink!
Great thread! Perfect for my Sunday, wink wink!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Hi angharad. The grieving/mourning feeling does take a good while to ease. I found I was still grieving/mourning my old 'friend' for a good 5 months. Obviously peaking in intensity for week long periods or so.
I still get pangs of grieving/mourning hit me at times. It's only natural especially at 24 I reckon. But I know I am doing the right thing and the good that sobriety brings vastly outweighs any drinking/drug binge. I can't believe how I was willing to put myself through such a rough time mentally/physically just to hit a brief couple of hours max of plateau/high.
just thinking of some of my comedowns/hangovers from booze and drug cocktails makes me get a small panic attack! lol.
Mourning and grieving is all part of the process. Accept it and you'll be OK.
I still get pangs of grieving/mourning hit me at times. It's only natural especially at 24 I reckon. But I know I am doing the right thing and the good that sobriety brings vastly outweighs any drinking/drug binge. I can't believe how I was willing to put myself through such a rough time mentally/physically just to hit a brief couple of hours max of plateau/high.
just thinking of some of my comedowns/hangovers from booze and drug cocktails makes me get a small panic attack! lol.
Mourning and grieving is all part of the process. Accept it and you'll be OK.
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