Sometimes I get to thinking
 

About different things. I get to thinking about how I have a concert on Thursday, I'm singing a solo and a duet and my mom won't be there... just like she's never been there. It never stops hurting though. I've never been able to talk to her about it, I think it might hurt her too much. I just get so angry thinking about the way she lives, when she's always been more than capable of being the mother she should have been but wasn't. I get so angry at her, but then I start crying because I feel sorry for her. I feel sorry that she's all on her own in an assisted living facility. I'm sorry she missed out on so much that she could have had. I've been really incapable of letting it go. It may be the one thing that drives me out to a meeting, especially for as long as I've hated the idea of going to a meeting or to a therapist. I'm finally starting to see that I can't do this on my own, as strong-willed as I am. I'm starting to understand that it doesn't make me less of a person and it doesn't make me weak if I need help. It's so hard for me to admit that because it's been a real pride issue for me. I've always been so stuck on the idea that I have to be independent and have to do things for myself, and I think most of that has to do with my upbringing. I've always been so concerned with other people, becoming more and more hard in my own soul. I was helping people and getting worse myself. I've got to stop ruining myself this way. I've got to stop mulling over the things that have happened, or the things that bother me. I've got to learn to let it go, but I can't do that on my own.

Also, as a side note on a completely different topic: tonight I went out with a friend of mine who I am interested in. We went to the movies and he paid for me. He listened to me and had some real conversation. It was nice. I assumed he would want me to go back to his place, but he didn't. I figured that he didn't like me and I felt hurt at first. Then I thought twice and realized that maybe he just respects me. It was a total breakthrough for me, even if it sounds stupid. I should have realized it all along, but I didn't. I've had some very flawed views on dating and relationships. I'm glad I'm starting to grow up some. I just wish sometimes it would happen all at once. It's all a part of life though I guess. I'm glad I'm realizing it while I'm 18 though, and not further down the line.

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.


O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Update: I am feeling a little better :)

It takes a bigger person to ask for help then it does to simply ignore what's bothering us and pretend everything is fine. I waited until I was 33 to ask for help....so good for you for doing it alot sooner then I. I too also have mixed feelings about my parents don't let their stuff bring you down,...you'll see that in time you learn to accept them for who they are including their flaws.
You just look out for you right now....k :c014:

As a man, if I were still single and dating, I wouldn't try to bring a lady home on the first date or go inside her house for more than a few mome moments, especially, if I liked her. You don't need to know today whether he likes you because you will find out soon enough. Also, he might be at home wondering if you enjoyed the date, etc. Also, remember, Alcoholics don't have a drinking problem, we have a "thinking" problem. I am not aware of your drug of choice but it all applies. And, let someone help you. I saw a shrink for 17 years before I finally allowed him to help me. Now I see him and another therapist and it has really allowed this big ole tough guy to let someone else debate inside my head versus me. I now depend on God to handle the hard stuff but I have found that my therapist has really become the kind of persoin I wished I could trust for many years.

You sound like you're doing really well!

I think it's wonderful that you are beginning to respect yourself so much, that the person you are with sees that and respects you.

I'm glad you feel better - good luck with your solo and duet MAB :c014:

D