Help understanding my problem
 

About 4 years ago I quit drinking for a year. Ever since that I have been able to go a few months at a time without it. But it keeps coming back.

About 3 times a year I go Manic. I eat like crazy, drink and smoke w33d. If I am not drinking or smoking I am eating. I do not drink and eat at the same time. Drinking and smoking come first. I spend money like it's water. I do not want to stop partying. It sucks because I work so hard to save money then I blow about a 3rd of my savings. It is good and bad. Normally I am really bad at socializing and when I go in to a manic state I always socialize better. Or so I think, I am not sure the other people like being around me. I am pretty sure I just end of making a fool of myself. I also feel a higher since of self worth. I embellish the truth when talking to others. I actually start to like myself again. I am able to forget about my stresses. I am a very judgement person to begin with. But when I become manic I become much more judgmental pretty much to the point where I think I am better then all my peers. I am always worried about death and I can not come to terms that everyone must die but when I go in to a manic state I am almost ok with it. I can only focus on something for a matter of minutes.

Please provide feed back. I need to quit drinking and smoking asap. I am pretty sure I am on the edge of stopping again. I know I have to fight the urges. It is like stopping smoking over and over. It have been drinking every day this month and I have spent all kinds of money and I have gained almost 20 pounds. Right now I do not feel as much stress and I am dealing with the problems of self hate. So at this given point in time I do not feel a huge yearn to drink but it is like I am talking myself in to drinking. but as the days goes on I am yearning for it more and more.

It sounds like you should talk to your dr about the manic episodes you are having.

And, I hope you can stop drinking today. We are here to support you.

You are looking for something more then what you have and your solution so far is temporary and self destructive. You say u like yourself more in your manic state but it can't be maintained indefinitely. So the problem seems to be how to be comfortable with who u r in your normal state. Growing comfortable in your own skin takes time but it is what u r looking for. The manic person u like better is not u and as you have observed, most likely other people don,t like that person as much as they like the true you.

Striving to be something we r not leads to a life of discontentment, frustration and disillusion. What you r really craving is already in u. Embrace and accept the real authentic you.

Hi coffeeclub

I agree with Anna and Dean - the manic state is not a normal one - and is quite self destructive by your account. I hope you'll seek some help.

There are better, more genuine ways for you to learn to like yourself.

I always hated myself - one of the great by products of not drinking anymore and working on facing my problems is I've grown to like myself - it's not dependent on drugs or alcohol - it's real.

For the first time in my life I'm happy and content.

I wish the same for you CoffeeClub - and IMO it all starts with stopping the self destruction and getting some help to stay that way.

D