SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Hi,

I've come across this forum a few times when I've done a search looking for support, so it's time to say hello and say something about myself.

I've been going to Alanon for about 4 months. My first relationship was with someone raised by an ACOA, as I was. That lasted many years and was characterized by passive-aggressiveness: my things were rearranged when I wasn't home, messages or conversations "forgotten" until reminded, etc. My second relationship lasted a few years and was with someone who is ACOA--there were lots of secrets, both significant and miniscule, no matter how much I asked for openness and shared everything about myself. The relationship I'm in now has been stormy for the several months I've been in it, with an active drinker who says "it's a problem only when I drink alone." I see the changes in behavior/honesty/priorities when there has been "social drinking" going on, but when I point that out I'm told I'm over-reacting, that no one else has ever pointed this out as an issue. I've ended up feeling crazy inside, questioning myself at every turn.

Now I feel like I'm starting to see this for what it is (it feels like manipulation), dealing with my anger at myself for tolerating these dynamics, and so sad for that little "me" who grew up not asking for or expecting my emotional needs to be met. I'm learning to trust myself and consider myself as getting better for having gone from many years, to a few years, to several months in this kind of relationship before I recognize there's a big problem!

I'm so grateful for this most recent relationship since it made the alcohol/addiction issue really clear and brought me to Alanon to face my pain. I was raised by an ACOA, but never understood my thought process/reactions as being destructive.

I haven't gotten out of this relationship with a sense of finality because there are still those pesky strands of hope, though they're growing more thin each time we go through this cycle of getting along well, then having some friction about the drinking, then a meltdown, then a re-commitment to keep working on things. We're seeing a counselor who helps me to see the "gray" instead of the "black and white" of my perfectionist's world. My next step, as far as I can tell, is to make the leap to being truly alone, to have the courage to do something different no matter the outcome. Someday I SO want to be with someone who doesn't say, "I didn't remember, I told you from the beginning how my memory is"; "You're reading into this because you're not able to hear my perspective" and "You don't love me for who I am, and I'm not someone who wants to be a non-drinker." I've spent the last week asking myself WHY am I continuing to engage with someone who shows me this kind of behavior? I've gotten really curious about my tolerance of it and am discovering that I don't have the emotional angst about it that I used to...it's really a sense of curiosity about it without beating myself up in frustration. And that feels really good--not to mention that I'm not panicked about the idea of being alone, because I know I'll be okay, even if it isn't comfortable all of the time!

Thank you for this forum, it has already given me so much, as has Alanon.

Much gratitude,
posiesperson