Day 1
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 14
Day 1
Hello. After about seven years of heavy nightly drinking, I have, over the past several months, been increasingly conscious to the reality that yes, dude, you have a problem.
Maybe it was the time I woke up with a huge scrape on my forearm and a bruised hip, yet no idea of how it happened. Or maybe it was the time that I woke up to find that I seemingly mistook my trash can as a toilet. Or maybe it was me getting tired of waking up not remembering when I went to sleep. Or maybe I just got tired of feeling like crap until noon. Like everyone else I'm sure, the "maybes" are endless.
In the past month or so, however, things became a bit more clear. Bottom line, it ain't good. For anybody. As much fun as it is getting there, I hate who I am when I pass "there" and enter the Dark Side. Fortunately, the only person I have hurt is myself, as I'm self-employed, successful, live alone [yet have a serious GF], and contain this nonsense to the confines of my own home. I'd call myself a "good drunk" when in public, but behind doors it's a different story.
Three weeks ago I took a night off. Didn't sleep well, got the sweats. A week and a half ago I took two nights off, didn't sleep well, got the sweats. Even though I was tired the following mornings, I felt better than usual. But of course went back at it.
Yesterday was different. Or so I hope. I had dinner with friends on Saturday, and drank socially...until I got home. But as I poured my second glass of wine, I stopped. Why did I need more? It's midnight. Go to bed, man. For some reason I reasoned with myself, and went to bed.
Last night I watched the USA beat Canada in men's hockey. And I remember it. All of it. How rare. How awesome. Sure, I didn't sleep all that well, and had those night sweats again, but for some reason it felt good. And thanks to this forum and my own knowledge, I know that over time I'll get my sleep back. And I can't wait. Because I want it back. I want myself back. I'm 39. And I want to remember it all.
Thanks for reading if you did...tonight will be night 2, with strong hopes that that number keeps on climbing.
Good luck to all here, there, and beyond.
-MJ
Maybe it was the time I woke up with a huge scrape on my forearm and a bruised hip, yet no idea of how it happened. Or maybe it was the time that I woke up to find that I seemingly mistook my trash can as a toilet. Or maybe it was me getting tired of waking up not remembering when I went to sleep. Or maybe I just got tired of feeling like crap until noon. Like everyone else I'm sure, the "maybes" are endless.
In the past month or so, however, things became a bit more clear. Bottom line, it ain't good. For anybody. As much fun as it is getting there, I hate who I am when I pass "there" and enter the Dark Side. Fortunately, the only person I have hurt is myself, as I'm self-employed, successful, live alone [yet have a serious GF], and contain this nonsense to the confines of my own home. I'd call myself a "good drunk" when in public, but behind doors it's a different story.
Three weeks ago I took a night off. Didn't sleep well, got the sweats. A week and a half ago I took two nights off, didn't sleep well, got the sweats. Even though I was tired the following mornings, I felt better than usual. But of course went back at it.
Yesterday was different. Or so I hope. I had dinner with friends on Saturday, and drank socially...until I got home. But as I poured my second glass of wine, I stopped. Why did I need more? It's midnight. Go to bed, man. For some reason I reasoned with myself, and went to bed.
Last night I watched the USA beat Canada in men's hockey. And I remember it. All of it. How rare. How awesome. Sure, I didn't sleep all that well, and had those night sweats again, but for some reason it felt good. And thanks to this forum and my own knowledge, I know that over time I'll get my sleep back. And I can't wait. Because I want it back. I want myself back. I'm 39. And I want to remember it all.
Thanks for reading if you did...tonight will be night 2, with strong hopes that that number keeps on climbing.
Good luck to all here, there, and beyond.
-MJ
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Welcome to SR mjohn.
I remember all the cuts and contusions, the illness, the guilt, the embarrassment...and the inexplicable picking up again....
this way is far far better
hope to see you around some more,
D
I remember all the cuts and contusions, the illness, the guilt, the embarrassment...and the inexplicable picking up again....
this way is far far better
hope to see you around some more,
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
mjohn, I'm not the most experienced (i'm only on Sober Day 7), but a lot of what you wrote mirrored my thoughts & experiences exactly. I've found tremendous support, guidance here and like you every day i feel better and better. welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 14
Thanks to all for the warm welcome...always nice. Thankfully I have a sibling and a father who are both MD's [and of course their circle of MD friends], so I feel I am in good hands. As for any program, I must admit, at this point the only program I have is to quit and go from there. This is a very new, self-directed endeavor. Obviously that's just step one, so any dollops of wisdom or direction would of course be appreciated. I'm sure my MD family members will get involved with their 2 cents...
But I want this lifestyle change...so I intend to at least restructure how I spend my evenings. And life for that matter. I'm physically active [boxing], but perhaps I'll increase my gym time and "get out there" more as opposed to lurking in my home [my GF lives in LA, I'm east coast...for now].
But for the first time I feel differently about my attitude and approach. And I'm glad I landed here. It's very soothing to write and share with others.
MJ
But I want this lifestyle change...so I intend to at least restructure how I spend my evenings. And life for that matter. I'm physically active [boxing], but perhaps I'll increase my gym time and "get out there" more as opposed to lurking in my home [my GF lives in LA, I'm east coast...for now].
But for the first time I feel differently about my attitude and approach. And I'm glad I landed here. It's very soothing to write and share with others.
MJ
Don't resist, allow
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South East of England
Posts: 1,521
Hi MJ,
The important thing is not to just make a decision to quit drinking, you have to take action to follow it through.
It's great what you are doing in terms of changing your lifestyle particularly around trigger times but for a lot of us with a problem with alcohol, this '"will-power" only lasts so long and then we are back to the drink.
I use the 12 step program of AA. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking us. AA allows us to tap into a power than our will-power which fails us.
Good luck.
The important thing is not to just make a decision to quit drinking, you have to take action to follow it through.
It's great what you are doing in terms of changing your lifestyle particularly around trigger times but for a lot of us with a problem with alcohol, this '"will-power" only lasts so long and then we are back to the drink.
I use the 12 step program of AA. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking us. AA allows us to tap into a power than our will-power which fails us.
Good luck.
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 10
Welcome MJ. This site is simply amazing. I am on day 7 myself, but I have tried to quit many times. The best advice I can give you is don't rely on willpower alone. There will be a point when your willpower will 'trick' you into thinking that you can start drinking again and 'control' it. The first step IMO is to realize that you just can't drink, ever.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 91
Mrs
Originally Posted by mjohn 
Hello. After about seven years of heavy nightly drinking, I have, over the past several months, been increasingly conscious to the reality that yes, dude, you have a problem.
Maybe it was the time I woke up with a huge scrape on my forearm and a bruised hip, yet no idea of how it happened. Or maybe it was the time that I woke up to find that I seemingly mistook my trash can as a toilet. Or maybe it was me getting tired of waking up not remembering when I went to sleep. Or maybe I just got tired of feeling like crap until noon. Like everyone else I'm sure, the "maybes" are endless.
In the past month or so, however, things became a bit more clear. Bottom line, it ain't good. For anybody. As much fun as it is getting there, I hate who I am when I pass "there" and enter the Dark Side. Fortunately, the only person I have hurt is myself, as I'm self-employed, successful, live alone [yet have a serious GF], and contain this nonsense to the confines of my own home. I'd call myself a "good drunk" when in public, but behind doors it's a different story.
Three weeks ago I took a night off. Didn't sleep well, got the sweats. A week and a half ago I took two nights off, didn't sleep well, got the sweats. Even though I was tired the following mornings, I felt better than usual. But of course went back at it.
Yesterday was different. Or so I hope. I had dinner with friends on Saturday, and drank socially...until I got home. But as I poured my second glass of wine, I stopped. Why did I need more? It's midnight. Go to bed, man. For some reason I reasoned with myself, and went to bed.
Last night I watched the USA beat Canada in men's hockey. And I remember it. All of it. How rare. How awesome. Sure, I didn't sleep all that well, and had those night sweats again, but for some reason it felt good. And thanks to this forum and my own knowledge, I know that over time I'll get my sleep back. And I can't wait. Because I want it back. I want myself back. I'm 39. And I want to remember it all.
Thanks for reading if you did...tonight will be night 2, with strong hopes that that number keeps on climbing.
Good luck to all here, there, and beyond.
-MJ
Maybe it was the time I woke up with a huge scrape on my forearm and a bruised hip, yet no idea of how it happened. Or maybe it was the time that I woke up to find that I seemingly mistook my trash can as a toilet. Or maybe it was me getting tired of waking up not remembering when I went to sleep. Or maybe I just got tired of feeling like crap until noon. Like everyone else I'm sure, the "maybes" are endless.
In the past month or so, however, things became a bit more clear. Bottom line, it ain't good. For anybody. As much fun as it is getting there, I hate who I am when I pass "there" and enter the Dark Side. Fortunately, the only person I have hurt is myself, as I'm self-employed, successful, live alone [yet have a serious GF], and contain this nonsense to the confines of my own home. I'd call myself a "good drunk" when in public, but behind doors it's a different story.
Three weeks ago I took a night off. Didn't sleep well, got the sweats. A week and a half ago I took two nights off, didn't sleep well, got the sweats. Even though I was tired the following mornings, I felt better than usual. But of course went back at it.
Yesterday was different. Or so I hope. I had dinner with friends on Saturday, and drank socially...until I got home. But as I poured my second glass of wine, I stopped. Why did I need more? It's midnight. Go to bed, man. For some reason I reasoned with myself, and went to bed.
Last night I watched the USA beat Canada in men's hockey. And I remember it. All of it. How rare. How awesome. Sure, I didn't sleep all that well, and had those night sweats again, but for some reason it felt good. And thanks to this forum and my own knowledge, I know that over time I'll get my sleep back. And I can't wait. Because I want it back. I want myself back. I'm 39. And I want to remember it all.
Thanks for reading if you did...tonight will be night 2, with strong hopes that that number keeps on climbing.
Good luck to all here, there, and beyond.
-MJ
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Good to know you are planning for a new lifestyle
I did just that and it's an awesome adventure....
I too was a blackout drinker ..they ceased immediately
once I finally quit drinking
All my best......Welcome to our recovery community...
I did just that and it's an awesome adventure....
I too was a blackout drinker ..they ceased immediately
once I finally quit drinking
All my best......Welcome to our recovery community...
It will take some effort and changes on your part, but it's so worth the effort.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: michigan
Posts: 28
Welcome Mjohn!
I am also new to recovery, less than 2 weeks in... While there are tons of great people here with huge amounts of wisdom and knowledge I can't touch.
I can relate to your sleep issue. Two weeks ago (when i first quit) I was lucky if I slept 2 hours a night and I was hot as heck all night! I would toss and turn and yet wake up in the morning feeling somehow better... with only two hours sleep?!?!? Fast forward 2 weeks...I am sleeping better now than I can ever remember! Each night gets a little better, that much I know for sure! You can look forward to it.
I am also new to recovery, less than 2 weeks in... While there are tons of great people here with huge amounts of wisdom and knowledge I can't touch.
I can relate to your sleep issue. Two weeks ago (when i first quit) I was lucky if I slept 2 hours a night and I was hot as heck all night! I would toss and turn and yet wake up in the morning feeling somehow better... with only two hours sleep?!?!? Fast forward 2 weeks...I am sleeping better now than I can ever remember! Each night gets a little better, that much I know for sure! You can look forward to it.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 91
Mrs
Hi Mjohn,
How did you do last night? I made it another night. Kinda feels good not to be either drunk or hungover and that's usally how it works for me. Going to work pretending nothing is wrong and feel like crap and moving like a snail.
But, still it was hard not to drink these last two days. Just make me feel so smart !!
How did you do last night? I made it another night. Kinda feels good not to be either drunk or hungover and that's usally how it works for me. Going to work pretending nothing is wrong and feel like crap and moving like a snail.
But, still it was hard not to drink these last two days. Just make me feel so smart !!
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