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Need advice on acceptance and forgiving

Old 02-22-2010, 10:48 AM
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Need advice on acceptance and forgiving

Hi Everyone,
Im newly in recovery (34 days) and I am having serious trouble with the whole accepting and forgiving people part of recovery.
So far almost everything is positive in my post drinking life. I have tons of support, no legal trouble, I still have my job and home, my health is bouncing back far faster than I had anticipated. It feels like everything is going my way, except one relationship in my life. For some reason all I can focus on is the one negative thing going on in my life. I just cant bring myself to forgive this person for betraying what I thought was a very strong friendship.
Im just looking for any advice/help/support from anyone that has dealt with betrayal in early recovery.
Thanks,
"Eric"
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Old 02-22-2010, 10:55 AM
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Hi Eric and Welcome!

It sounds like you're doing well in your recovery and congratulations on 34 sober days!

My suggestion is to be patient. That's one of the hardest lessons I had to learn in recovery because I wanted everything to happen now. Be patient, don't push yourself. Try writing down some positive things about this person and your relationship. Allow the negative thoughts to surface, but don't dwell on them. Forgiving someone isn't necessarily going to happen in one shot. It may take many attempts to get to the place you want to be.
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Old 02-22-2010, 11:22 AM
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Glad to know you are making good progress.....Well done...

If you are useing AA in our BB.....please check
:Freedom From Bondage" for specific instructions
on dealing with resentments/forgiveness.

I also totally agree with Anna on the be patient idea.
Early sobriety is often an emotionally unstable time
Welcome to SR.....
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Old 02-22-2010, 12:12 PM
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Originally Posted by sickbladejob View Post
Hi Everyone,
Im newly in recovery (34 days) and I am having serious trouble with the whole accepting and forgiving people part of recovery.
So far almost everything is positive in my post drinking life. I have tons of support, no legal trouble, I still have my job and home, my health is bouncing back far faster than I had anticipated. It feels like everything is going my way, except one relationship in my life. For some reason all I can focus on is the one negative thing going on in my life. I just cant bring myself to forgive this person for betraying what I thought was a very strong friendship.
Im just looking for any advice/help/support from anyone that has dealt with betrayal in early recovery.
Thanks,
"Eric"
Hello "Eric". Welcome to SR! I am very happy you found us. This is a wonderful community of support and recovery! Congrats on your 34 days clean!
I am CrackQuack, my drug of choice is crack cocaine. I am 1 year clean.
I, too, had (and sometimes still have) trouble forgiving and forgetting someone who not only betrayed my trust, but played a HUGE part in nearly ending my life.
I call it a resentment. I have major resentment toward my ex boyfriend. And it's tough to even type that because I loathe him so completely, I have fantasies and dreams about how to get even with him. He kept offering me crack until I said OK. He tried to get me on heroin. He wanted me to become one of his hookers that he sells in order to support his habit. He got me to cash checks at his job that he runs for his parents, so we could get crack. Everything out of his mouth was a complete and utter lie. His "nice" side is so fake I even begin to wonder if his rottie really passed away the way he said she did....
Anyway, take a long hard look at yourself and what possible role you -could- have played, if any. And think about how many people you have hurt in your addiction. Wouldn't you want them to forgive you too? It goes both ways. Trust can be rebuilt/re-earned, over time.
What settles me down, about my ex, is the part that -I- PLAYED in all that. I made the choice to take that first hit of crack. I made the choice to cash those checks. I made the choice to stay with him despite knowing all that he is. I should have left the first time he smoked in front of me. Or the first time he made meth. Or the first time he slammed heroin. Or the first time I saw cocaine on his dresser. I just should have left. I had a bad feeling about him from the get go. But the point is that I rocked the boat myself, heck fell out of it. Sure, had I known I'd become addicted, I would never have touched it. That would have saved me so much trouble. But what's done is done and I have my irritating second ex husband breathing down my neck, waiting for me to relapse. Insists a tiger never changes their stripes, yet he totally and completely changes his personality to fit with whomever he is dating/married to at the time.. But I cannot change, in his eyes.. Whatever. More resentments here. LOLOL..
Anyway, I'd say that the best thing for you to do is just work on yourself.
Another thing, about most of us addicts, is we want everything right now. We're quick to jump on that judgemental train and take that high horse home with us. It's something we have to work on. Because it'll hurt a lot, when we fall!
Once clean/sober, some of us tend to think everyone else owes us something. A reward. I know I pounced on any normy who didn't call me on my 30, 60, and 90 days clean. I was a complete MESS when NO ONE (normies)remembered my 1 year!
And I am not saying that what this person did is to be taken lightly, because simply, I have no clue what they've done to you. It could be something totally blown out of proportion or something extremely serious.
If it was that strong of a friendship, it WILL survive. Give it time. My best friend of nearly 30 years has forgiven me for so many things and been there for so many things. From my teen drug abuse years, to her husband KISSING me and trying to sleep with me (and I hid it because she was pregnant at the time), to my second round of drug abuse in my 30's. She's been there for me and I for her. We've been through a lot. A lot of other people have come and gone, but she's always been there. I love that about her. If it's not meant to be, as sad as it is, then it's not meant to be.
Make sure you are taking care of yourself. That's the best advice I can give you. Worrying about too many things and not keeping your recovery first can be a set up for a relapse. :ghug3
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Old 02-22-2010, 02:03 PM
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Hi Eric

I agree with Anna - 34 days is great but...just let it be...concentrate on yourself and healing, and look at the great things that have happened, and are happening, to you now you've gotten sober.

We alcoholics are obsessive. And it's easy to let our obsessions rules us - we've done it for years with our drinking.

I had to force myself to focus on gratitude not resentment sometimes but I'm glad I did.
Priorities first.

Don't waste energy on a situation you can't change - if someone betrayed you, leave them in the past where they belong for now - if one day you're ready to look at the situation and perhaps forgive you'll know it - for now continue to put that energy into doing something positive for yourself

D
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Old 02-22-2010, 03:54 PM
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As others wrote above, give it time and remember how you sought the forgiveness of others (maybe this person isn't seeking forgiveness -- I don't know anything about it, of course -- in which case that's tougher but you should still try to forgive him/her, for your own well-being if nothing else). I'm thinking of how I can begin the apologies I owe to so many, knowing some will throw me aside and deservedly so. I've lied to so many people about my problem, even putting them in the position of saying they believed me and trusted me when I was lying and they were right. How can I ever face them once this charade ends (the countdown has already begun)? I need to find a treatment facility that will accept my insurance (or detox facility at the very least) by tomorrow. I'll spare everyone the awful details, just know rock bottom is right around the corner for me. Say a prayer for me, if you will. I'm new here and just getting familiar with the site.
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Old 02-22-2010, 04:15 PM
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WashCapsFan ......Welcome to our recovery community


Please do consult with your doctor before making
any drastic changes in your drinking. and or drugging.
And....
The Salvation Army has a free de tox center
in D.C. or did when I lived there.
Check the phone book...call for current info.

Glad you joined us...
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Old 02-22-2010, 04:53 PM
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Welcome WashCapsFan
good to have you with us - you'll find a lot of support here

D
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Old 02-23-2010, 08:58 AM
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Thanks so much everybody! Your advice and stories hit home and I appreciate it. You guys helped me make it through a tough day.
I went to a great meeting last night that was totally perfect. It was all about resentment. It really drove home all the things you guys said and I think I may be getting close to turning the corner on this issue.
Thanks again everyone!
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