EllaBella

Hello, my name is E. and I am a drunkoholic…

What is a drunkoholic and why not an alcoholic?

Well, first of all I am terrified of the inglorious ‘ALCOHOLIC’ title’s stigma. Considering that my father earned it (and rightfully so, I might add) when he was 17 years old & not-so-proudly carries it with him from over 50 years now, I’ve decided that until I am laying face down in my own vomit wondering if it’s a cherry flavour that I am tasting, I will not label myself as an “A”.

Instead of heading to AA meetings (which is usually held in church & that makes me wanna drink even more I decided to go through my recovery process online. After all, we are in the XXI century! Therefore my blog (on my home page). I would be grateful if you would take few minutes to read it & let me know how naive I am believeing that this might help...

Who am I?

In her twenties (26 to be exact) drunkoholic, dreamer, night animal, suppressed poet, megalomaniac with huge self esteem issues, smoker, mother to two beautiful staffie dogs, ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). Sex addict when drunk.

I live in London, UK, but originally born & raised in very alcoholic Poland (therefore please forgive me possible grammatical hiccups). Woman, that use to be desirable, now does not feel as such. Woman that has got dreams bigger than her will power. Woman that struggles with getting up in the morning, just waiting for the night to come back. Woman that is desperately seeking the joy in her joyless life

Ok, let’s go then. Day 1 of fighting with my demons… Wish me luck

E.

ps. rest of my story on Fighting with Demons (home page)

vegibean

Hey Ella, I am off to work in a moment but there's one thing I thought I'd just throw out there (besides a WELCOME TO SR!!! )

Own who and what you are. Things are much easier to get through if you face them dead on instead of trying to walk around them.

I appreciate what you're saying, I know that I NEVER woke up one day and decided "I'm going to be an Alcoholic!!" I just embrace it.

Welcome to SR!! You will receive tons of support here. Good luck on your sober endeavors.

NEOMARXIST

Hi, I haven't read your blog.

All I would say is that I do not feel shame in being a 'recovering' alcoholic but quite the opposite in fact. I felt shame in being a drunk and being labelled as a drunk; but when I was drinking that is what I was.

Much of the stigma that you talk of is all in your head imo. People actually tend to have a lot of respect for people in AA who have addressed there problems and are doing something about it. And are sober! That is what I tend to find anyway. I couldn't give a crap what anyone else thinks anyway. 'To thine ownself be true' and as long as I am true to myself and live honestly and practice kindness to others then i ain't got nothing to worry about. I have never felt so calm as I do now!

I remember when i couldn't call myself an alcoholic either. Guess what I went back drinking again, this was after a period in AA.

I had to accept that I am an alcoholic and that I will never be able to control alcohol and I must never take that first drink on a daily basis. Any goals you have in life are worthless untill you get sober if you're an alcoholic. Once you get sober you can achieve anything, within reason obviously.

Call yourself a 'drunkaholic' or whatever if it helps you somehow keep sober but ask yourself why? Are you trying to hide from what you are? Remember alcohol is one cunning, sly mofo so be careful you ain't playing into it's hands...

21st Century or not I am going to use whatever help is outhere to remain sober. Asking for help and embracing the help outhere takes more courage than not asking for/embracing help. Most alcoholics are too proud to ask for help for whatever reason. But then I guess recovery has taught me humility so I don't mind admitting that I share a common bond with a parkbench tramp or quantum physicist! "We maybe human but we're still animals"


All The Best.

least

Welcome to SR! I hope we can give you the support and information you need to stay sober. There are many ways to get and stay sober: AA, other recovery programs, counseling, and even using SR alone. I wish you success whatever way you choose to get sober.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm glad you are seeking support and I hope that you get through the day without drinking.

Have you talked to your dr about stopping drinking?

You may find that your depression lifts as you recover, because alcohol is a depressant. If not, you might want to talk to your dr about depression.

Dee74

Hi Ella

Welcome to SR.

I don't think it matters as much what we call ourselves so long as we recognize the problem and do something about it.

For me - once I accepted that I was alcoholic, the struggle was over and I've had no problem with describing myself as one since

Hope to see you around some more
D

DramaPrincess

Hi Ella - welcome!! I know it is scary to even think about calling yourself and alcoholic - but I found my whole attitude changed once I did - I was trying for ages to figure out how to control my drinking - be "normal", whatever that is, it never worked - ended in the same place or maybe worse. Anyway once I actually accepted I was an alcoholic (and it has only been in the last week so I'm no yoda here) I have found it easier to stay away from drinking. I accept I have an illness and can not control myself when it comes to alcohol - so now I am trying to think of it like someone who loves peanut butter but has a peanut allergy - I CAN NOT drink no matter how much I want to because the consequences are too great - as one wise person on here (sorry can't remember who) said - I am only one drink away from loosing it all.

I know that was long winded but that is how coming clean with myself has helped me (by the way you don't have to tell everyone else if you don't want to) - I wish you all the best!!

DramaPrincess

Remembered who said it - it was NEOMARXIST!! -

EllaBella

Hi All & thank you for warm welcome.

First to NEOMARXIST:

I don't think there is any shame in being a recovering alcoholic, actually quite contrary. When I said 'stigma' I meant more of what I've seen while growing up. My father, a long term NOT recovering alcoholic, never admitted he is one. His life, to say it in one & very harsh word, is almost pointless. All day in bed, waking up only to swallow another bottle of beer, nothing achieved, nothing left behind, nothing to be proud of. So maybe, for me, this word carries with itself great fear of waking up one day and realising that there is nothing that I can leave behind me, that I have not made one bit of a difference. Although strangely enough I do not see this way other alcoholics, especially the recovering ones. I do have respect for people in AA and similar institutions, otherwise I would not come to SR for advice & support. It's only small thought cut out from my blog, so the stigma thing is not a shame Neo. Shame comes, as with you, when/ after I drink.

In regards to my "labelling". I know that I am a binge drinker (every other weekend/ every fortnight I get drunk & unfortunately 7 out of 10 times I black out - that's what brought me here in first place), but I can have some wine or 1or 2 beers and stop at that, sometimes I don't even feel like drinking... So the honest truth is, I don't know if I am an alcoholic or if I am just on the 'right' path to be one. That's why I decided to stop drinking for a longer period of time, maybe forever - but, as you know an Alcoholic simply cannot have any drink at any point or he goes back to the spiral - maybe that's why I labelled myself a 'drunkoholic' - to say "Hey, hold on, if you keep at this pace you will become an alcoholic"

Now, how can I ask for help outside, sit in the room full of people that cannot have a sip of a drink and bluntly say to them, well, I believe I am not an alcoholic yet, but I might be if I won't take care of myself, on the other hand I do want to, in the future, enjoy nice wine with my dinner or even get tipsy at the club. If there are any groups for people "on their way & trying to put the breaks" please do let me know and I will jump into them like fish into a water tank.

I also don't have any problem admitting that me, parkbench tramp, quantum physicist are on the same wagon. So I hope, this clarifies a few things, from my original, possibly not explained properly post & all the best for you Neo.

VEGIBEAN: as per my reply to Neo, or if I live in lalaland, please do tell me

ANNA: thanks for the warm welcome, I talked to my Dr about my depression and a bit about drinking... he recommended sex (honestly!), then he gave me some psycho drug that made me feel like a zombie. I think I will go cold turkey for now

DEE74: got your PM, can't reply yet, but will follow the rules from now on - oh and the page is not commercial, just my diary thing.

DRAMAPRINCESS: wide thoughts my dear, let me know how it goes for you, as per my reply to Neo... this is me for now, I still can have a bite of peanut butter sandwich and the throw away the rest, but this is my way of not becoming 'allergic' to it.

XXX & thank you for all wise & warm words

EllaBella

DRAMAPrincess I meant 'wise' not 'wide' thoughts ;-)

academia

Hi Ella. I am struggling with many of the same demons that you appear to be struggling with. In fact, being of the same age as you, it seems like we both have the same binge drinking bug. Although, mine seems to be somewhat stronger that yours.

I too, feel like I'll miss going out and having a beer with dinner or getting tipsy at a club. In fact, I am completely unable to reconcile this with myself right now. It's like, on one hand, I can pretend things are okay for a while and that I can handle it. However, it *always* catches up with me and I find myself getting smashed not long thereafter.

EllaBella

Hey academia, I SO know what you mean. That's why I am here, that's why I decided to stop drinking - for a long period of time at least. I do wonder, oh ****... this party will be here & then there is this birthday coming up and so on.... so what I will try to do when my first REAL test comes I will try to set up myself some great plans for the next morning, e.g. buy an expensive ticket for some play or even a morning plane ticket for a weekend break so that I know I simply can't miss it! We will see how it works, keep ur fingers crossed for me pls On the other hand, don't u think that it will be quite interesting to see if people that you party or sleep with (well that's my case at least), are really as interesting as they seem while we're drunk... Hmmm looks like I might loose a lot of 'friends' ;-P

So nice to hear from someone with similar probs, keep me up to date. ps. how is your binge bug stronger?

Fubarcdn

Welcome to SR Ella.

I like that term drunkaholic by the way. I think that it applies to me too.
I quit drinking on an ultimatum from my wife and to be honest at first I missed the action of a good party or night at the bar.
After a few months though, while going to the bar or a party sober I found that I didn't want to be like the people that are totally smashed and found they were not interesting at all so it is something that I no longer miss.
Give being sober a few months and see if you don't feel the same way.
Good luck and keep us posted.

EllaBella

Will do Fubarcdn, that is my plan! Few times, when I wasn't as drunk as my friends, or not drunk at all for that matter, I really did not enjoy spending time with my drunk mates. Also, some of them, that I met in the bars while smashed, when we met sober I had nothing to say, neither did they...

ps. Give high five from me to ur wife )

CarolD

Welcome to SR....
I don't read blogs.....but do hope you find yours useful.

On our Forums....you will meet many of us who are winning
over alcohol. I sure hope you will too.

You might find this information interesting...
I doubt that the country is important about progression


.

intention

Hi Ella and welcome.

Until I could accept my alcoholism and admit I was an alcoholic, I couldn't get sober.

My turning point was the day I admitted I was an alcoholic. That word is very important to me. It's total acceptance and surrender.

I didn't drink every day and there were 'times' I could control my drinking. Unfortunately it was these two things which prevented me from admitting I was an alcoholic for a long time. I have since learned there are many alcoholics who don't drink every day and can control their drinks sometimes. Not every alcoholic is a fall down all day drunk.

The truth was my life was a mess from my drinking. How I survived the binges I don't know - I was dangerously close, I believe, to something really bad happening, like a stroke or death. Yet my head still told me I was not an alcoholic because I could have days off the booze.

Alcohol is the big liar. It will do anything and everything to trick the alcoholic into drinking. In AA we call this a "cunning, baffling, powerful" disease.

You may wish to reconsider AA. You don't have to say you are an alcoholic. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. They will welcome you on that alone.

intention

Just to add what you said about the modern day and using online for recovery......this site is a fantastic resource. And blogging can be great for your recovery but.....

AA was founded in the 1930s. To this day we still use the program of recovery outlined in the 12 Steps written back then. The same book is still widely used alongside the steps. New editions of the book have kept the original instructions for recovery intact.

In all that time, nearly 80 years, AA still is the most widely used program of recovery for alcholics. Yes there are others - you can find details on this site and people regularly post here who have used other methods to stay sober but do consider that in all those 80 years with technology and advances in medical science doctors still don't have a cure for alcoholism. Even now the doctors who put patients through detox, rehab, therapy, etc etc, still recommend they use the resource of AA.

So I wouldn't discount the old in favour of the modern. They can both work alongside each other to give us the maximum benefit from our recovery tools. I have been reading the Big Book for 11 years. I still love it and still read new things in it but now I have it as an app on my iPhone. I love the modern day technology too

NEOMARXIST

Think of it this way... With acceptance of one's alcoholism then this gives one a very strong foundation to never take that first drink. You know that you are an alcoholic so this sets you apart from everyone else who you see drinking with impunity.

Without this then what is going to stop you from ending right back up where you are now again? Ok so you're a binge-drinker... Well so are most people out drinking in the UK on Thurs/Fri/Sat. So when they offer you a drink at a party/wedding/xmas/Nye/B'day whats stopping you from taking those drinks what everyone else is taking? Of course if you are merely a binge-drinker and not an alcoholic then wheres the problem with getting wasted anyway? Everyone else is doing it so just cut back and chill out on the sauce... easy right?

I too was a binge-drinker. It wasn't until I admitted that I am also an alcoholic that I stood a chance remaining sober, without just feeling toally p*ssed off about not drinking like everyone does every weekend.

I got sober at 23. I had been saying I had a problem for about 3 years before but couldn't see how I would be able to not drink. It was engrained in my identity from a young age. I was obsessed about booze... I loved the stuff.

I embraced Englands binge-drinking cultutre to the max. I was proud to be a wreckhead/mashead/party boy/rock n' roller/hardcore, anything but an alkie! ugggh dirty word.. they sit on park benches etcetc.

I just got sick and tired of the hopeless feeling off coming down off a binge. Alcoholism is progressive. My binges turned into 2/3 day benders. As long as I had booze, drugs and smokes then it was a party! Just me and my tunes, no police/bouncers or anyone to get in the way of getting totally wrecked.

Remember that alcoholism is a disease which will try to convince you that you ain't got it! Denial is a massive part of it and most alcoholics will deny there obvious problem to the death.

I ain't saying that you're an alcoholic. Only you can decide that but untill I accepted my alcoholism then my life would have been kept in the same depressive cycle of binges/dry weeks/binges etc.

All The Best.

nocoincidence56

Welcome to SR, EllaBella!

I have been there before. You are where you are supposed to be in your journey towards recovery. Maintain some willingness to change, open-mindedness towards new ideas, above all-honesty within yourself. Should you stick-with-it the idea of being "alcoholic" will lose its' "stigma" and a new life will await you. I had to reach a point within myself where, on all levels of my being, there was no more denial as to what I am, and no conditions regarding recovery. I became H.O.W. and life changed in ways I could not even dreamed of.

Stay at it. Don't give up. Keep doing what keeps you sober(recovery) and truly happy(recovery); the rest will take care of itself.

Keep coming back!

Peace...

EllaBella

Thanks for this CarolD, this really helps, I do need some guidelines. Although one question, if anyone can answer. In "early alcoholism' part you talk about blackouts, I had blackouts since I started drinking, yes they did increase in the past year or two, but what about blackouts that I've had when I just started drinking - is there any medical explanation or predisposition that could explain it?

intention you're talking about "I have since learned there are many alcoholics who don't drink every day and can control their drinks sometimes." - how do you define then this thin line between alcoholism and sometimes drinking too much. How do you know that you will be or won't be to drink under control? And I will definitely read the 12 steps book, at the moment I am reading Adult Children of Alcoholics, but 12 steps will be my next must do.

Neo, yes I do understand that with acceptance of alcoholism, the foundation for saying NO to the drink is build. But, as per my reply (above) to intention, I don't know yet if I want to say NO forever, that's another reason why I am not ready to say "I am an alcoholic", it wouldn't be fare. Saying "I am an alcoholic, but I want to have a drink in future" doesn't make any sense and is insulting to other people going through this process. I am here, I guess, to decide whether I am or not. To see how my life will be without a drink and if I'll suffer and miss it, this will mean to me, that yes, I am an alcoholic. For now I am gathering great intel (thanks guys ) on the subject and doing a lots of thinking and self-analysing.

Nocoi, will be as willing and open minded as I can. What does H.O.W. stands for?

p.s.. to be honest I feel a little bit of pressure from some of u to say "I am an alcoholic'…. - is this how it should feel?

thanks all & stay strong!