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I am tired

Old 02-20-2010, 04:00 AM
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MAB
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I am tired

of being told to go to AA meetings when I am sober. I am tired of paying money I don't have to go to a psychiatrist who doesn't care about me. I am tired of not having friends. I am tired of people on here telling me what they think is wrong with me. Tonight someone on here told me about my attitude problem after talking to me for about 3-4 minutes. They told me I was arrogant, they told me I was judgmental. I am tired of everyone thinking that my problem is solely related to drugs, when I have clearly not used and not wanted to for a very long time now. I am tired of being so hopeless for friends that I will come here and get unsolicited advice, and people's opinions of me so easily tossed after "knowing" me for such a short time. I'm so tired of people judging me before they know a thing about me. I'm so tired of people being condescending. I am tired of crying, tired of feeling, tired of helping people who treat me like dirt. I am tired of listening to people all the time, when they don't give me the time of day to talk. I am tired of going to school, tired of being stressed out all the time. I am tired of thinking of my mother abusing her adderall living in an assisted living facility. I am tired of my dad worshiping my brother. I am a waste of space. I am a waste of time. I have no reason to be here, and apparently other people seem to care less if I am here or not. I am replaceable. I am not unique. I am expendable. I am boring. Most of all I am so tired of living such an empty, meaningless life.
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Old 02-20-2010, 04:41 AM
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This is a hard post to answer to but I can tell you that there are some of us here that care for each and every person that enters this forum in a non judgmental way. As in the outside world some people have their own selfish reasons for being here with egos to match but I don't think it is a majority.
I think the majority will listen to you and try to support you MAB. Sorry you had a bad experience in chat.
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Old 02-20-2010, 06:56 AM
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Hi MAB,

Sorry that you had a negative experience in chat. Don't let it discourage you from reaching out for support. This site is huge and there are people who genuinely care and won't judge you. And who will listen.

What you said about problems not only being drug related rings a bell though. I am an alcoholic but my problems were clearly there BEFORE, and I guess amongst other things, drinking was a way to cope. So when I quit, they were still there, some still are, but at least I can try to learn how to deal with my life sober and find some peace of mind.

What you describe sound like being quite a load to handle and it's ok to feel tired at times...so what I wish to you is that, you find some peace for yourself and a way to enjoy life.
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Old 02-20-2010, 08:06 AM
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You are so down right now and my heart breaks for you. I have been in this position of feeling like "a waste of space." The only thing that helped pick me up is finding some shred of something to be grateful for. I then tried to find something else to be grateful for and in time I found that gratitude changed my inner thoughts and life was so much better then my negative talk was telling me. Try it. Find anything to be grateful for.

I am grateful today because I have good health. I am not in a hospital sick and bed ridden. I am grateful today because I have a computer to reach out to people. I am grateful for . . .

It isn't easy at first but you can change your thinking and you will realize you are VERY important to this world and there are many people that are effected by your presence. Wishing you peace today.
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Old 02-20-2010, 12:53 PM
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MAB, I don't know where you were having a rough time in the site, it must have been in a part I have not been checking. If you haven't thought of this already, one of the reasons you might be hearing people point out issues is that people see THEMSELVES. Because they are learning in various stages to love themselves (or love themselves more effectively), they are trying to share that with you. There is no doubt in my mind that there are people in recovery who would not be a match as a friend outside of the context of recovery, they just don't click. But I see people wanting to help all the time in a recovery support context because they see more deeply and can be a friend after all. Maybe you have not come across those people yet. The way you are talking, you are putting yourself in second place and the part about your father worshiping your brother kind of underlines that. Put yourself in first place. You will do that when you recognize being off the drug is the most important thing you can do. If you want to, post more and you will hear good reactions.
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Old 02-20-2010, 01:58 PM
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Well thank you for being people who care without being judgmental. I never do well with "tough love" anyways, it doesn't get through to me. Whenever I get tough love, I have to wonder if that ever worked for anyone else. A lot of what everyone here has to say is right though. I do try to find things to be grateful for, like the fact that I have a teddy bear to sleep with or the fact that my roommate and I get along. I'm grateful for the fact that my dad is back on his medicine and apologized for everything. I just get down when I realize that the amount of human interaction I have has boiled down to around 0.
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Old 02-20-2010, 02:07 PM
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MAB I know how you feel! I have no one, i get so hopeless sometimes and I think "what a loser I am just sitting here on the computer all day". But it keeps me sober and it's my own fault for not reaching out to my AA "friends". I feel like no one gives a damn about me a lot or put me second and even last. I'm a mother so I constantly come in last anyway. I just feel where you are coming from and it sucks! It really sucks don't it.
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Old 02-20-2010, 02:07 PM
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MAB (big hug)

Sometimes people do to me exactly what you have described. It happens...at SR, just like it does in face to face. This is people not at their best. Other times at SR, just as in face to face...you will see people at thier best, despite thier own h*ll.

I know that doesn't help us much to know when we feel the world around us has just zapped us one more time....but try to remember this was just a small moment in terms of your life. You have purpose...as do we all...you just don't see it yet....you are no doubt helping others today, without even being aware of it.

alchohol and drugs are but a symptom, and most of us truely know that...take away the drugs and alchohol and we still have the mind....In fact for many of us, without the alchohol..the mind is even worse....and life can feel unbearable.

It does take a total change of my way of thinking, my attitudes and my view of the world to keep me sober...but fortunately it doesn't have to happen all at once or right away.

When people begin to trash talk me, even when they are trying to be helpful...or if what I hear is spinning in my head toward the sort of feelings you are describing...I take a step back (out of the room) and regroup. Contact a few people I think I may be able to trust (perhaps pm someone who isn't being judgemental and stuff). And find the fellowship I crave from those I've met in my journey here who have found a way to live a sober and clean life.

I too am sorry you had a negative expereince in Chat recently. Bottom line, it happens to all of us at times....but I hope you are able to find what you need in chat and on the threads...I really recomend people use the threads, as you are doing, as well as the chat room....it just seems to me that those who do both tend to find more support and feel better about their SR expereince.

Thank you for sharing with us MAB (biggist hug)
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Old 02-20-2010, 02:19 PM
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I'm sorry you had a bad experience (((MAB)))
I'm glad you feel a little better now.

D
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Old 02-20-2010, 03:06 PM
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Thanks Ananda Life sober has hardly been different though, and in some respects, worse. It's not going to send me back to drugs though. I refuse to let other people influence my decision not to use. I just get very tired of people treating me so horribly. I helped a good friend of mine get away from his abusive father and quit drugs. He quit, but he treats me like dirt now. People constantly come to me with their problems, and I constantly help... but I get so sick of it being one way. I decide to talk about myself and what's going on with me when I come here (though I do try to support other people as much as possible) but fairly often it ends up with people getting angry with me. I think maybe we could all focus on trying to be understanding, objective, and a little less emotion-packed. I don't need someone's 20 years of emotions unloaded on me, but it seems like that happens around here a little more often than it should. It helps to have experience, but that experience flies out the window when someone force feeds advice that is so emotionally linked to themselves. It is good to know that there are people here who can listen, just listen, and lend their advice if I ask it. My ears are open, but my throat is pretty sick of having things shoved down it lol
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Old 02-20-2010, 04:06 PM
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MAB, you reminded me of one of the things that has bothered me in the last 5 or 10 years. I started getting a complex about my age (after wanting to seem older - guess I can never have it right, can I, ha ha). I think I had a chip on my shoulder when it came to people in the next generation. So some emotional issues are inside that thinking for me. And I can tell you there are a couple of guys I read here that I find myself going back to because I am saying to myself, "Yeah, that's right, he knows that already?" I can learn from them too. It's normal to have hang-ups about give and take. I can think of people who would be constantly generous and it seemed like they would use that as a tool (some addicts, some not). Keep giving and taking here, see yourself, and like it. I think of my addiction as a way to cover up. There's a worthwhile person underneath, no reason to cover it up. It's just my life now to deal with it.
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Old 02-20-2010, 04:30 PM
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(((MAB))) - I"m sorry you had a bad experience, but very happy that you didn't let it run you off.

As far as some people being overly emotional or shoving things down your throat - SR is full of people....some are truly awesome and amaze me with their insight, ES&H; others have a few issues they need to work on themselves. Another thing is, it's a bit harder when you can't hear the person's tone of voice or see their expression. I know of people who posted something that came across one way, and it was totally opposite of what was meant. I had to learn, early, to "take what you like/need, leave the rest".

As far as the tough love tactic, though it may not work for you, for some that's the ONLY thing that will work, or someone needs to hear it in that way, that day. I heard some things over, and over, and over but one day it just "clicked".

Though I am a recovering addict, I am also in recovery for codependence...I had let people walk all over me for a long, long time. It's only when I started working on THAT aspect of my life, that EVERY aspect of my life started to improve, but it took time. I tell you this, only because you mention people "treating you like dirt"...been there, done that and you don't deserve it.

I'm glad you are here, and I hope you stick around. There are enough people here with different ways of sharing their ES&H, that I think anyone can find support if they want it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-20-2010, 06:28 PM
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Originally Posted by MAB View Post
Thanks Ananda Life sober has hardly been different though, and in some respects, worse. It's not going to send me back to drugs though. I refuse to let other people influence my decision not to use. I just get very tired of people treating me so horribly. I helped a good friend of mine get away from his abusive father and quit drugs. He quit, but he treats me like dirt now. People constantly come to me with their problems, and I constantly help... but I get so sick of it being one way. I decide to talk about myself and what's going on with me when I come here (though I do try to support other people as much as possible) but fairly often it ends up with people getting angry with me. I think maybe we could all focus on trying to be understanding, objective, and a little less emotion-packed. I don't need someone's 20 years of emotions unloaded on me, but it seems like that happens around here a little more often than it should. It helps to have experience, but that experience flies out the window when someone force feeds advice that is so emotionally linked to themselves. It is good to know that there are people here who can listen, just listen, and lend their advice if I ask it. My ears are open, but my throat is pretty sick of having things shoved down it lol
The atmosphere was split in two
There were clouds for me and clouds for you
Some way up high, others near the ground
They drift so fast, but make no sound
We were moving quickly too
The sky that day was so damn blue
God lit the sky so bright for me
Lit the world and let me see
Any wound with time will mend
And I will break if I don't bend
No music on, just words of forgiving
Dad's advice to me, just keep on living
It's too small a flame to fan a fire
Live the life that you'd desire
The sun will rise over the debris
and there will be some love for me.
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Old 02-20-2010, 06:48 PM
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((MAB)) I am sorry things didn't work out for you. I think most people, at some point, get in that kind of mood. I am not saying you specifically, but maybe others and then it rubs off onto even more people and we have a lot of frustration going on. Some addicts, sometimes, tend to come off as they think they are better than others because they have stayed clean for so long and have learned so much. This is, in part, why we listen to them, but take only what we need and leave the rest. Maybe someone else will learn something of value where we did not. And then there is tough love. Does it work? For some, it sure does. It always has for my uncle, who is a recovering heroin addict. It has NEVER worked for me, in my youth. Seemed the more they did to "teach" me a lesson, the harder I worked to show them the lesson wouldn't work. As a juvenile, I even got locked up twice. One in detention for a tough love program and once in a rehab. Both times only made me more bitter and angry. And more rebelious.
Anyway, the older I became, the more I calmed down and realized it was meant to teach a lesson. So, now, if someone does practice tough love, rather than get my panties in a bunch, I try to see what lesson they are teaching me. Not that it always works, but at least I try to take something from it.
Not saying this pertains to anything about you. Just giving a part of my story. I am REALLY GLAD you did not allow the bad experience to scare you off.
As far as making friends goes, what kinds of things do you like to do? Sports? Bingo (I have no idea how old you are)? Caring for animals? Do you like older people or same age? There are a bunch of things, out there, to get into, and meet people. I met my boyfriend on craigslist. We share a love of classic cars. Mine more towards the muscle car era, his more towards the really early models. But we work well together because we love cars. Who cares which ones, right? LOL. Maybe post an ad on craigslist looking simply for just friends. Someone to enjoy movies, sports, going shopping, seeing sights.. Stuff like that? Just a suggestion.
And I hope you feel much better soon. There are, literally, thousands of people here. Sure, we're not face to face, but it doesn't mean we cannot be friends nor does it mean we don't care. All types of personalities exist. So please keep coming back and just keep looking. It may seem hopeless sometimes, but it will happen. As addicts, we want everything right now and our way. It's hard to go through a period of time doing the same things over and over.. I mean, isn't that part of the definition of insanity? Well shake it up a bit and try something different. If there is something like, art, music, or whatever, you've never done.. Maybe try it.
And if you don't like the meetings, don't go. When I get tired of them, I don't go. It may or may not work for you, but how do you know until you try it? I really think meetings are the foundation of our recovery, but when you need a break, take a day or two, and take a break. Just try something different so you can avoid temptation.
Get another doctor too. If he/she seems that uncaring, find someone who seems more worth YOUR time and money.
*HUGS*
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:10 PM
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Thank you spawn for the reminder... sometimes there's so much wisdom in the things I write if I just stop to take my own advice... or my dad's in this case.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:12 PM
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And thank you quack for your constant optimism. That's definitely a little bit more of what I need in my life.. need to have in myself. You're a good example to follow
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:30 PM
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Originally Posted by MAB View Post
And thank you quack for your constant optimism. That's definitely a little bit more of what I need in my life.. need to have in myself. You're a good example to follow
If is difficult, and personally I have been through a lot in recent times that causes me to wonder what the point in it all is. However, after a point I realised that the only secret to improving our mood is to get off our butts and do something about it.

Now, problem is that it's easier said than done. I forced myself to stop sitting around and go out there and try and achieve some things for myself. As such, I have managed to line up a new job interview, discuss reconciliation with my ex fiance and tackle this ******* booze problem once and for all. As a result of all this I am feeling more positive in life.
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Old 02-20-2010, 09:55 PM
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MAB, using drugs or alcohol is usually just a symptom of a bigger problem. Your post should make that clear to you. AA is not about getting sober but rather living sober and changing. If you don't want to go to AA or NA, etc that's up to you but I can't tell you how hopeless I felt before I started working the steps. I was full of anger/resentment, self-pity, EGO, etc.. I always thought only about myself. My wife and kids came second to alcohol and so did my relationship with God (as I understand him). Look, I am not one of those people would call a Big Book thumper at all. I am just like your everyday joe but inside I was physically, mentally and spiritually bankrupt after drinking for so long that once I got sober I had to dig inside with the help of my sponsor and a great therapist to find why I was the way I was. I am still trying to improve but when I find myself twisted, angry, full of self-pity, etc I usually turn to God and ask him to give me guidance. I then think about all of the good thuings in my life that would be gone or going if I was still using or acting like a dry drunk. This didn't happen overnight and I felt it would never come but one day I just felt more at peace with myself. FTR, I once went 13 months without a drink and never admitted I was an A and did nothing but stew for 13 months and feel sorry for myself. Well, I went back to drinking and my life turned into a mess. This time I am accepting my A and working the AA program and it's much different. Good luck!!
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Old 02-20-2010, 11:05 PM
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So we have a few easy does it ideas that we've seen work consistently over the span of the program,Only you know what you need to change
1Dont get too ,Hungry,Angry ,Lonely ,Tired,,
A lot of people dont know the difference between creul love and tough love.
I am alchoholic,Bipolar,ADD,and was raped as a 4yr old kid.People like me dont make it.Im 25yrs3mths sober.I get like you a lot,Just plain angry and tired,But i ve found a way to work a program and that it works me,God works me through the steps to see that I have free will,something I didnt think Id ever get,as my isms I ,SELF ,ME, EGO ,etc made my decisions for me,so I was always at odds with my true self.So when my sponser said you have freewill to choose,I felt he was giving me a ration of bs till I felt as you posted abt people who didnt careabt how what they said.But evetually I stayed sober and found out that no matter what happened to me ,,,today I had a choice as to what and where and who i wanted to be and experience,
So its up to you to uncover,discover ,and then discard what doesnt work for you and keep that which does.no god no peaceKNOW GOD KNOW PEACE
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Old 02-21-2010, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by MAB View Post
Thank you spawn for the reminder... sometimes there's so much wisdom in the things I write if I just stop to take my own advice... or my dad's in this case.
Recovery isn't easy but it's worth it! Sometimes we just need a little reminder to focus on the good. Hang in there.
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