Another Day One
 

I have got to make this time stick. I have been drinking heavy the last 5 years. Captain Morgan and I are great friends. I don't know how it began, but I believe I drank to deal with the stress of my job and husband. Now, it's how I deal with everything. I use rum to numb my real issues that I know I have to face.

The biggest is my marriage. Married for 20+ years, I am not in love with my husband anymore. Much of the time I despise him. Yet, I have 4 teenage children (well adjusted great kids - yes, I am blessed) and I don't want to mess them up by leaving. But, when my youngest graduates in 4 years, I'm gone. I'm worried that if I don't stop drinking, I will physically damage the inside of my body beyond repair by then.

Has anyone stopped drinking and then realized they had to leave their husband? How do I deal with my not being able to stand him if I can't be numb when he is around?

fakesmiles

I've heard it said that sometimes, it's better to come from a broken home than to live in one. Your kids know things aren't right. They know you drink too much. There are far worse things for kids to deal with than divorce. If you are so miserable with your husband, then get yourself straightened out and divorce him. Stop drinking, go to AA, see a counselor, see your doctor and ask for help to stop drinking. Take care of yourself.

many years ago...I decided I hated my husband...i was drinking, he was drinking, we had a child, i wanted a different life...i divorced him. i still drank, but not as much, but i still drank and it continued for 25 more years... I couldn't blame my husband anymore for the reason i drank....i had to face the fact that I LIKED to drink...my husband (now my x-husband) had nothing to do with it.

if the 2 are separate issues for you it may be different and you may find it easier than i did. it's really very emotional and stressful which adds to the drinking for me anyway. I hope you find your peace, especially without Captain Morgan.

Fakesmiles, somebody else is going to be way better than I am in their response, but I want to answer because it's important to me. Why would I not do well at replying? Because I never had kids and never stayed in a relationship very long let alone marriage. o I have that "who am I to talk" feeling.

But I wonder if you are going to do more for the youngest one if you stopped for you? Even risked a breakup? The idea of staying numb till the youngest is out on her own and finished the degree/diploma sounds like undergoing an unnecessary operation for that can be stopped sooner. The quote from Sonya Friedman came into my mind....something like: "How we treat ourselves sets the standard for others" I guess I am saying, won't it be more harm for others if you continue to harm yourself? Your little friend that provides the numbness is right up there with the worst enemy.

Hope you will take some steps that will get things going in a better direction for you.

Totally agree with Fandy - I drank to get through an unhappy marriage, and am now in a happy marriage, and still drink. I know it's a terrifying prospect, divorce, but actually it is do-able, and kids are always ok in the end, as long as both parents love and cherish them.

For me, in the end, the thought of staying with him became worse than the thought of leaving him, so then I had to act. Also, it is fairer to your husband, who can also have a chance of a loving, normal relationship if you set him free.

Hugs to you, it's not easy xxx

Hello Fake,
 

Appears like a difficult situation and I pray for you.

Please, please, please don't take this the wrong way but I must ask.

Could your problems with your mate be a result of your drinking?

Again, of course I know nothing about your situation and wish you well.

Suki is right regarding the broken home. I grew up in a home where my parents never "argued" (in front of us.) We heard it behind close doors and it was extremely stressful. You could just feel the animosity. I was relieved when they said they were divorcing. Divorce isn't the end of the world and by the way, I was a teenager when they ended it. It was a year before my graduation.

As far as drinking because of your husband, I would look deeper into that. Can you get counseling or something to talk things through. I know from my own experience that no one caused my drinking and that life was in no way as bad as it appeared through my drinking glasses. Once I took those off and started viewing the world through clear eyes I was able to tackle what I thought were momentous issues, but really were quite manageable. Its amazing how our addiction messes up our whole being and way of thinking.

Hi and welcome to SR.

In your mind it seems you have to make a decision about whether to continue drinking which will enable you to keep the family together or drink which will enable you to stay.......but could well kill you.

There is something else. Why not try AA? They have a solution to not drinking which does not say you have to leave your husband as soon as you give up.

The AA 12 step program will teach you how to live life sober and fill your life spirtually so that you have tools to make all of life's decisions with courage and serenity. Once you are working a 12 Step program and have good support from a sponsor you will be able to look at your marriage objectively and make a decision on it. Experience tells me that when people have had a spiritual awakening as a result of the program they actually want to make these decisions which they had put off so long with the drinking.
Take care.

Hi fakesmiles

When I first came here I had so many problems, I literally did not know what to tackle first.

Wise people here told me that my drinking had to be sorted out first - before anything else - because without sobriety I had little hope of ever dealing with the other stuff.

They were right.

It was hard, but I found and incredible amount of support here, and I know you will too :)

You're injuring yourself with your drinking. Please think about that first. There's a wide variety of recovery programmes and other options around, AA being the most accessible.

If you've been a heavy rum drinker for several years, I recommend you see a Dr before anything else tho...start looking after your own welfare :)

Welcome :)
D

Have you considered therapy? At the very least, it's a great place to vent. Been going twice per week for 6 months now. It's been interrupted lately due to the drinking, but I'm working on getting back on track.

I agree. Get sober and it will be easier to deal with your problems with a clear head. I'm glad you joined us. We are here to offer support and information to help you in your sober journey. :)

Thank you thank you for all of your advice. One feels all alone in this world with all these issues and can not even confess them to our best of friends for fear they will judge us and not remain best friends. You all speak from what feels like your hearts.

I am going to focus on not drinking and see if I can "feel" my way through this marriage. My problem is I am a "feeler". I strongly feel joy and I stongly feel joy. And I feel deeply. I have built huge walls to avoid feeling any pain. The trouble with this is I no longer feel great joy. And, yes, my relationship with alcohol could have caused my marriage to get worse. And, I do agree that I need to take care of myself first and foremost, and see what happens after that.

Maybe a life without alcohol will enable me to feel great joy again.

I am on Day 3 and feel really good. It really helps for me to know I can come here for constant support when I need it.

Thank you new friends. . .
Fakesmiles

Good to know you are heading into a healthier future
Welcome ...:wave:

my question as well....drinking clouds a lot of thoughts and emotions...it changes your perception on people...

Yes, I do think my drinking has had a bad effect on our relationship. I do stupid things when I'm drinking and I'm sure my husband has lost respect for me. However, the things that have bothered me for 20 years (many of those years I did not drink) are still there. After the many years of him not changing and us not talking, I turned to alcohol. I need to talk about my feelings. He doesn't. When I bring up my feelings, he tells me I overanalyze things and he blows them off. So, after 20 years, I just quit talking and let things build up - so I drank to cloud the hurt. I really don't think he will change, but, you are right, I need to take care of myself and get my mind clear to figure out what I am going to do. I certainly can't make rational decisions if I am not sober.

Get into the steps, do the work a day at a time and throw your life up in the air, my friend. God will take care of the results.

How do I do the steps without going through treatment?

Just an observation, one of the things the church and others _really_ stress to engaged people in pre-marriage seminars, is that, the older they are, it is important to realize, you are _Not_ going to change this person! If you do not love him/her as they are today, understand that and move on. I married late, 36, the biggest change my wife got me to make was to start wearing a belt to work ;-) When I was 40 I quit smoking but that was a personal choice and not something she made me do.

Praying for you!
..Mike

I also self-medicated with alcohol in order to manage my life.

And, I found that it ended up making everything so much worse.

As others have said, get sober and then tackle the other problems. You might be surprised that it will be easier to deal with your other problems, if you are clear-headed. I do hope you keep posting.

You don't have to go thru 'treatment' to do the steps. You only have to go to AA meetings and find a sponsor. They will guide you thru the steps. :grouphug: