24 and dependent on parents who are ready to cut their losses
 

Hey. I'm new, obviously.

I've been an addict for about 2 years now. I've stopped for a few months here and there, but have always relapsed.

I was a senior in college when I was introduced to heroin by a friend of a girl I was dating. My girlfriend really liked it, and because I'd never known anyone with a substance abuse problem, I believed I could stop whenever I wanted.

I was extremely froogle back then and had saved up about 6 thousand dollars. Within a 6 months to a year it was all gone. Either stolen by my ex or used to feed both of our addictions.

I was living with my parents through college to save on the expensive of housing, and when they found out 6 months into it, they were devestated. They immediately got me into a suboxone clinic, and while I was tired of using and wanted to try to get my life back in order, I was still dating an addict. The first day I got on suboxone my ex convinced me to help her get high (at the time I couldn't bare to allow her to be sick).

My parents hadn't lost all faith in me at that point, so I managed to continue to use with her for a while without them being too specious. My ex's parents soon got fed up with her stealing and kicked her out, forcing her to go into the army. I realized after she left I didn't have to support her habit anymore. I could focus completely on mine.

I worked part time to support my habit, but I was soon laid off.

Eventually my parents wised up and could tell if I'd used within a few seconds of contact with them.

I'm now 24. I hate myself so much for getting myself into this situation, being completely dependent upon my parents who don't trust me at all. I've reverted to a child in there eyes, and they treat me as such.

I'm on suboxone again, but I'm literally a prisoner in my parents house. They've parked the car I received as a birthday/graduation from high school present. They've hidden my phone from me. I literally don't have a dime to my name at this point. I've always struggled with keeping friendships, and at this point have absolutely no one left. Hell, my younger brother who I used to be close with actively tries to find things to tell my parents, anything he thinks would upset them.

I've been desperately looking for a job for a 3-4 months now. The last job I had turned out to be a huge waste of time (insurance company with a 97% turnover rate). I'd take anything at this point, just to get myself back on my feet. I've applied to so many places and have yet to get a call back. I'm at my wits end. I have a degree from Ohio State University (in marketing) and I can't even seems to get an interview at Walmart, Starbucks, Target, etc.

I keep trying to tell myself if I can just stay clean, things will get better, but in the past the longer I'm sober the more likely I am to relapse. I just can't believe I've done this to myself and I can't convince myself it isn't worth it.

I know finding and working a job is the first step, and I know I can't give up hope. It doesn't help that I suffer from depression and have always had trouble with motivation when I seem to be failing at every turn. I've been through suicidal fazes and realize I do want to live.

Anyone who read all that, thanks. If you have any advice, it'd be very appreciated.

Hi and Welcome,

Have you talked to your dr about your depression? It's possible that your depression could be treated with medication that would help you.

And, yes, it sounds like getting a job is the first step for you. I hope you don't give up your search and continue to look for opportunities for employment every day. I hope something turns up for you.

Hi toji53

I agree with Anna on both counts - depression and job :)
You'll find a lot of support here - we also have a substance abuse forum you may be interested in looking at

Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR :)
D

I was a wino, so have no experience with drugs. Do take a look at the substance abuse forum Lots of people there with experience and knowledge to share.

Welcome to SR!:grouphug:

Welcome to SR!

I also agree with the above. I know, with depression (I'm on an anti-d) that if I'm not feeling very positive about myself, possible future employers can sense it, no matter how good a front I think I'm putting up.

It's hard to deal with the consequences of our using - for me it was family/career/financial/legal. I lost a good career and have been waiting tables for 4-1/2 years, but have had to quit that job and am looking for something else, and it's hard - I'm way older than you, but that means more experience and it's still hard.

The thing is, I keep trying, and am back in school for a field that is similar to what I was doing, and will continue to grow throughout the years. I also put my recovery first - without that, I have nothing, and I'm tired of starting over.

Glad you're here!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

toji53

While your life at the moment is controlled you still have MANY years of life.

See if this helps. Ranking of importance TO DO.

1) Recovery! Stay clean! Tossing up idea here.. Attend NA meetings.
2) Focus on number one.

Not sure if you are old enough to remember a joke about what happens when you play a Country song backwards.. You get dog, pickup truck and girlfriend back.... Being Sober/clean and in ACTION in recovery you will gain Huge trust with everyone over time.
We live on second at a time last I check so maybe live one second at a time. Enjoy the time with family and the place to stay while you recover...

AG

hello!:welcome
you're in good company here. lots of good advice available here.
i've just finished reading a book called Wasted by this chap called Mark Johnson. i reccomend you order a copy and read it.
you'll never be able to manage your Heroin habit.
neither will you ever have enough money to feed your addicition.
heroin will no doubt end you up first in jail (where they'll beat you up and bust your ass), then homless, and ultimatly dead.
get help. good luck. :grouphug:

Hi and welcome.

I can understand why your parents are doing this: they are desperate. But that doesn't help you and this must be terribly frustrating for you.

A suggestion - call your local NA hotline number and find out if there are any "open" meetings in your area. A "open" meeting means that people other than addicts can go along. Ask your parents to go with you to NA meetings.

NA offers you a solution to living a clean, addiction free life. You also get face to face support from people who understand exactly what you are going through - this is very important. Those who don't understand cannot help, however hard they try. Having contact with people also helps with lonliness and isolations.

Perhaps if your parents can see the type of people you meet at the meetings then they will be more willing to let go of the reigns with you. Maybe they will allow you to have a phone which can call numbers of clean addicts which you can use as support.

If they see you working towards recovery and throwing all your effort into it, they will see you in a different light. They will see you as a mature man who is learning from his mistakes and aiming for a life which is fulfilling and rewarding.

Ask them to make the call for you today. You have nothing to lose.
Keep in touch.

I agree with you that if you get clean, things will get better. How badly do you want to get clean? That's the deciding factor in making a turn-around in your life.

Jobs...lack of them...lack of interviews even with a degree...nobody is immune in this economy. I have a friend with a master's degree in engineering who worked at Micky-D's flipping burgers for a year - another who delivered pizzas.

My suggestion: get clean first, re-build that family trust, get a handle on the depression with your dr.

To get a job first would just distract you from getting to the core your recovery. If your parents can help you through the recovery process, the job will follow and it'll be worth the wait.

Just my opinion. All the best to you. Please keep us posted and welcome!

Thanks everyone who responded and/or read my post.

I do want to be clean because, frankly, I'm better than the person I've slowly become. The addiction has cost me so much. Not just money, but relationships, and my future independence. I've gotta say, that motivates me the most. I've been stuck in house my entire life. I didn't get the opportunity to go off to college, or intern in NYC like my younger brother did. I need some close friends again. I want to start dating again (clearly a long way off at this point). I know none of that's going to happen rotten in this house.

At the same time it's hard to imagine never doing it again. My brain is wired to want it, and no one seems to understand that. It's going to take a long time for that to change.

I am on anti-depressants which do help a bit when I'm sober. I've never seriously tried to kill myself unless I was on the influence and had gotten into a bad argument, which was pretty much every time I used in the past 4 months. My parents have a habit of threatening to kick me out in the snow if they think I've used, which is the worst thing to say to a high person. I could have seriously hurt myself a few times. If there was a gun in this house I no doubt would be gone. : /

Toji, there's a lot to say, but off the top of my head, think about it this way: when you are 24, one winter (or summer) is like an eternity. I remember and can compare it to now (I'm 41) :)

I understand if you are down on yourself because you feel cooped and under supervision and not out on your own. You should also think about not beating up on yourself too. Getting a job is going to be a great sense of achievement, that's true, and you will be able to tell younger people that you lived through one of the worst periods in a long, long time when it comes to jobs. But when I look at what you wrote, I find myself wishing that finding the positives in you would be the "first step". I can see that you have an eye for that too, because you remind yourself that you did study marketing, etc. I hope you'll make a "degree" out of respecting yourself. You have to rely on yourself.

As for your younger brother, I can't say what is involved there. You say he is pointing out things to your parents almost like he is out to get you in a competition sense. I don't know. But the first thing that came into my mind was that he loves you and would risk ticking you off if it meant keeping you safe. Even if that's wrong, then YOU be the brother who wants the best for you. You know how to coach yourself, I think you should keep going and you will do great. The dating and all the other stuff that comes with independence starts with a good self image, so I hope you will keep taking care of it.