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Messed up big time, back to square one

Old 02-13-2010, 10:38 AM
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Messed up big time, back to square one

I gave up my 48 days of sobriety last night to get drunk. 48 days may not sound like much, but it's the best I've ever done, and I just threw it away.

I hate myself today.

After all my trying, after my first (finally!) successful attempt at quitting, I have to start all over again.

How do you deal with the guilt?
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Old 02-13-2010, 11:03 AM
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I think you can use the guilt you are feeling right now to help you by remembering how guilty you feel now before you take the first drink when tempted next time.
Don't beat yourself up too badly right now though.
Just shake it off and start again. You can't undo what has been done.
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Old 02-13-2010, 11:36 AM
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this is my third time trying to quit and at 150+ days my longest amount. the other two times were 58 days and 90+ days and i thought i was well enough to drink normal. i wasn't.

think back to getting drunk this time. was it great? i'm not saying it wasn't but i doubt everything about it was wonderful. any upset stomach the next day. anything you can't remember. (my problem when drinking).

my advice if you really want to quit is to just look at it as an aberration. start knocking out more days. once you get another 48 days in you can say to yourself you pretty much have 96 days without drinking.

now if you go back to your previous ways (i don't know what they are) and continue drinking that is between you and you.

but i don't think you should beat yourself up over it. i say just start again.

one thing i have really learned from this place is when i have any urge at all to drink i ask myself would alcohol actually improve whatever the situation is. i haven't been able to say yes to that one yet.

whatever you decide to do i give you much love and zero condemnation because you are at least trying and 48 days is nothing to sniff at.
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Old 02-13-2010, 11:37 AM
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I agree with Fubar about using the guilt you feel now when you are tempted again. Remember how badly you felt after picking up after a good stretch of sobriety next time you have thoughts of drinking. Try to throw away the self hatred, as it does not good. You can't correct the past but you can make good decisions in the present and the future.

one thing i have really learned from this place is when i have any urge at all to drink i ask myself would alcohol actually improve whatever the situation is. i haven't been able to say yes to that one yet.
That's a good way to look at it.


:ghug3
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Old 02-13-2010, 11:44 AM
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Like I've heard said, and I agree...There is no situation so bad that alcohol won't make worse.
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Old 02-13-2010, 11:52 AM
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Hey you guys.. 48days and over 100, i can barely manage 15 days longest in nearly
twelve yrs.. Dont sell yourselves short an think your losers.. You got the pattern of play
in hand an you,ve probably been through all the nastys to deal with, withdrawal.. SO
really for you guys its the green light to go all the way.. As for us who cant even do
16 days we got a lotta lotta work to do!! hope this makes you guys feel a bit better!
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Old 02-13-2010, 12:36 PM
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Hello Lost,

The failure is in never trying.

That said, are you working a recovery program of any kind? Is there anyone you could've "talked the urge to drink" through with before picking up?

Just wondering if there's something you could've done differently that you could consider if the urge to drink strikes again. ?

Be well ~
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Old 02-13-2010, 12:40 PM
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Just don't be to hard on your self.
No need for that.
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Old 02-13-2010, 02:22 PM
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hi LMW

We all fell over a time or two. Changing your life is a difficult thing to manage.

I think you're far better off to focus on the fact you made your personal best - 48 days.
It shows to me, you *can* do this sobriety thing, even in the face of all the other stuff you have going on

I agree with humblebee tho - look at why you drank - try to work out how you could have handled last night better - and remember all this for next time you feel similarly pressured or craving.

You know better this time round- you'll do it
I wish you all the best

D
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Old 02-13-2010, 03:47 PM
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WELL DONE on 48 days.
Alcoholism would not be called an addiction if it was that easy to give up, especially in the early days!
Another layer of understanding has been peeled away, just congratulate yourself on 48 days, pick yourself up and try again!
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Old 02-13-2010, 04:26 PM
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Originally Posted by lostmyway View Post
I gave up my 48 days of sobriety last night to get drunk. 48 days may not sound like much, but it's the best I've ever done, and I just threw it away.

I hate myself today.

After all my trying, after my first (finally!) successful attempt at quitting, I have to start all over again.

How do you deal with the guilt?
forgive yourself you're only human,.........humans make mistakes,.........Your back that's what matters!
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:18 PM
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Keep trying! You know deep down inside it is the right thing to do, and some day when the "hangover guilt" wears off, you will look back on this moment as "just a blip". Years from now, you may not even remember it at all.

I agree with everyone else, don't beat yourself up over this. Turn it into an opportunity to learn what your triggers are, and then hash out a plan to overcome your triggers. It can be as simple as avoiding a certain place or certain people, or it can involve going to a meeting, or it can be something else that you know will work for you.

Sometimes a small step backwards can propel you even further head than you imagined. Stay positive, and best wishes to you!
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Old 02-13-2010, 05:35 PM
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Everytime you fall down, you get right back up again.
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Old 02-13-2010, 09:37 PM
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I think it's wonderful that you came here for support. I saw it said somewhere on here that we don't shoot our wounded. You're having a tough time, you're dealing with it...this too shall pass. Keep posting and please please don't beat yourself up.
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Old 02-13-2010, 10:28 PM
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Ok, so you drank. You haven't lost everything that you learned about yourself and your Recovery during those 48 days. I'm imagine there were at least a few times during those 48 days that you felt like drinking but you didn't. There were two valuable things you learned over this . . . what it was that you drank over and how guilty you feel right now. Use these as learning tools, not something to beat yourself up over.

I had relapsed so many times that the Nurse's at the detox unit where I had went more times than I can honestly count had a nickname for me that I wasn't supposed to hear them call me. The Queen of Relapse. I overheard them referring to me as that one of my last times that I went into detox. On my One Year Anniversary, we were at a Meeting and as my Sponsor handed me my token, I whispered in her ear, "You may now call me Serenity Queen." It's pretty bad when Nurse's on the detox unit at the local hospital called me The Queen of Relapse. That should give you an idea of how many times I relapsed. That was about five years ago. Four and a half of those years I have been Clean, Sober, Happy, Joyous & Free. It wasn't an easy road, but each time along the way when I hit a brick wall and used, no, I wasn't happy with myself. I hung my head in shame. But as I look at it now, each situation that caused me to drink over I knew to avoid or how to deal with it so I didn't drink over it ever again.

Learn from this, grow from this & as the old expression goes, "Pick yourself up, brush yourself off and start all over again." You can do this.

God Bless,
Judy
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Old 02-14-2010, 02:47 AM
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learn from your relapse (triggers etc.)...forgive yourself...be proud at your sobriety time...be gratefull that ur sober today again, and u get another chance to try...

guilt is ur addiction speaking trying u get another one....
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by coming_clean View Post
learn from your relapse (triggers etc.)...forgive yourself...be proud at your sobriety time...be gratefull that ur sober today again, and u get another chance to try...

guilt is ur addiction speaking trying u get another one....
so true
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by AA Big Book 1st Ed.
After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
When I got sober, the last thing in the world I wanted was a psychic change or spiritual awakening. But I saw that it worked in others. They were staying sober and were successfully facing life. I was repeating this cycle over and over, doing counseling, treatment, rehab, everything I could, and getting drunk after a few months.

I became willing to do what they had done because I saw the futility of what I was doing. I asked for help. I was shown what they had done (the 12 Steps), and I did that to the best of my ability at the time. I've never had to drink since, and my life has been full beyond my expectations.
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Spawn View Post
so true
Not really. The viewpoint comes from someone who is unable to stay sober. Forgiving myself, learning from my relapse, etc.; have those things enabled that person to stay sober? Has it worked for them?

And I don't mean to be offensive to coming_clean. If those ideas worked, he'd be staying sober instead of continually relapsing. The facts are what they are.
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Old 02-15-2010, 09:58 AM
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lostmyway: I'm so glad you're back! It would be easy to slink off back to the abyss, but instead you came clean, expressed what you are going through, and you are back on the path of sobriety. I know the guilt and shame is brutal but I hope you can get past that and realize that you have gotten back up. Anyways, I personally am very grateful to see your post.

keithj: You have many posts here so I'm guessing you have traveled a long road and have learned a great deal along the way. That said, I fail to see how your last post is helping the OP in any way, shape or form. You say it's not meant to be offensive but I fail to see how it is anything outside of an attack post.
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