MAB

has a death grip on me. I don't want to go to the psychiatrist, I don't want to go to a therapist. I don't want to go to a meeting. If I were being completely honest with myself, I don't think I want help. It wouldn't do any good anyways. Not if I can't explain why I'm so damn depressed all the time. I get in the office and all of a sudden I'm lying straight through my teeth. So the psychiatrist says "you're not depressed" But I leave the office, and a few hours later I could be crying like the world were ending. I start taking an anti-depressant, but for some reason it makes me feel like Satan himself were trying to drag me down to hell. I don't know what's wrong. I have a million things it could be, but the truth is it's not anything. It just hits me smack in the face. What I do know is that I'm not happy. I don't really have control over my thoughts anymore, either. I exercise, I eat pretty healthy. I probably sleep too much, but I never feel rested. I have to stay alone because I can't let people see this part of me. It's like I turn into a totally different person. I feel so stupid, so worthless, ugly, overweight... whatever adjective you care to throw in. I've been trying for so long to learn to love myself, and it's just not working. I've been sober plenty long enough... so that's really not an excuse for this onset of depression. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. My will to live is all but broken.

GeeQ

Thanks for sharing. I know the feeling. I have suffered through depression as long as I can remember. I thought that going sober would help me not need antidepressants any more, and that I'd be a new man. Unfortuantely, that has not come to fruition. I still find myself in very dark moods from time to time, but I am finding that working the steps in AA is helping me learn much more about myself than I could have imagined. A therapist has also helped me...this time...because I am being truthful for once. I am finding out the reasons why I am depressed, the roots of my psyche, if you will. I still have a lot of work to do, but the dark times are coming a lot less often.

I feel your pain, and I know just how bad it sucks. It's not anything I'd wish upon my worst enemy. I wish I had more to offer you, but all I can share is what has worked for me. I wish you the best and hope you can pull through the depression. If you have a higher power, give him/her/it a prayer of thanks for keeping you safe and helping you through another day. Try it again in the morning and ask for a little help to get through the day without much trouble. It works for me, and believe me when I tell you I would have laughed at such an idea a few months ago.

Dee74

Hi MAB

I remember feeling so depressed I didn't want help either - and when I was forced to, I lied about my feelings.

It did me absolutely no good. All I did was turn to the bottle for 20 years.

I wish I'd reached out then. I didn't feel as I was worth helping then, but I know now that I was.

It might have been a very different 20 years for me.

Please don't give up on yourself, I think you're worth helping too

D

MAB

Thank you guys, it's good to hear I'm not the only one. I think I'm gonna go to the few free therapy sessions I can get at school. Hopefully that helps because I just can't afford it after that.

OZboy

..I feel for you..keep seeking help..
..drugs made me worse..it was when i re-evaluated my life regime,
..that things got better..stay well..keep posting..Oz

Dee74

Do ask around at school MAB - I;m not in the States but I know my college had psychologists, and a psychiatrist, available all the time, free to the student body.

D