Well, last night I finally got asked dead on why I'm not drinking anymore...
 

Ok - so I've been posting about the angst of what/if to say and when/if to say it regarding why I'm so obviously not drinking anymore.

Well - saw the drinking crew at an event yesterday, then we all went to dinner together. Where I used to be immediately jealous, and a bit angry that they "could drink", and I couldn't, now I don't feel that. Instead, I find myself fascinated with how they drink, and what it does to them throughout an evening, as I see my drinking self in a few of them, and find it insightful, and inspirational as a way for me NOT to drink again.

Anyhoo - this one person got pretty well into the bag before dinner even. Throughout dinner more drinking, etc. As we were leaving this person confronted me about me not drinking with a "We were wondering" almost in a borderline confrontational/hostile way (though she WAS drunk - so...). So I said simply, "I decided to quit." She pushed it and said, "Oh really? Why...? (Again, a bit of anger there...?). And I calmly said, "Well, I'm tired of feeling like crap, tired of the anxiety, etc. So I'm trying something different." So, she was like, "Well, are you going to stay stopped, or is this just for a while?" UGH - at this point, I wanted to say, are you writing a book or something? I started to feel really open and vulnerable, cornered and diminished...A bit like a girl in middle school who has completely the wrong outfit on, on the first day of school. I handled it calmy, but was a bit peeved that I felt like I had to stand there and explain myself to the inquisiton.

So, I'm sure they're all talking about me today at their Superbowl party. But I'm sure I was the topic of conversation when I was drinking too! I'd rather the topic be how I'm not drinking anymore vs. what an ass I made of myself last night.

The whole thing was just a bit surreal, especially as this person was drunk. Very ironic. Please understand I am not judging, nor in any position to judge anyone's drunkeness. I just find it very enlightening to observe with sober eyes. And I'm glad I'm not behaving that way anymore. In fact, a few of them, I can see by the way they are drinking that they have a problem...and it's hard to stand by knowing this and watch.

Sounds like you handled the situation really well, congratulations!

I'm not sure if this will help, but you should be extremely proud of the fact that you are a leader, not a follower. I know it hurts to think that people are talking about you behind your back. Don't let that discourage you! Do what you believe to be right for you and the rest will fall into place.

Omega - thank you. I also realize that me abruptly not drinking may be a bit threatening to those that are drinking alcoholically...hitting a bit close to home, as it were. This must be all a part of the recovery process. The people that are truly my friends will be there, and those that were a function of our mutual drinking will fade. I just need to accept this, and keep telling myself that I'm ok no matter what happens. I guess that I am grateful that I've even gotten to this point! That means my recovery is real. And that I've just "closed the door" on drinking again, having made this impromptu public announcement!

You handled that incredibly well. I would've been tempted to tell her to fvck off. In my experience some old using friends find my new life as some sort of perceived threat. Perhaps it hits too close to home as you said. I don't consort with those who who are anything but happy and supportive of my decision, and even then much less than before. I'm still very leary of the old people, places, and things.

Humblestudent...you handled that much more diplomatically than I would have. I probably would have asked if she was writing a book! Then I probably would have asked if my not drinking bothered her. LOL!

Well.....:)
talking to a wet drunk is pointless
next time just walk away with no comment.

The oddest thing....once I quit drinking I no
longer found hanging around drinkers interesting.
:)

Super Bowl party? about 40 AA members
are going to one in another members home.
Gasp....we do all sorts of activities without alcohol.

Good to know you are still sober

hahaha!! I too would have asked her what concern it was of hers! And yes, I would have asked if it bothered her. Good grief! Some people just cannot mind their own business. :wild

I think you handled it very well and didn't need to say any more. The vast majority of people have no problem with people NOT drinking alcohol, and why would they?!

The people who do have a problem.......well we can guess the reason for that. Perhaps we can pray for them to enjoy life sober, like we are learning too.

Well done :)

I think you handled it perfectly, as well.

I've had members of my own family tell me I need to start drinking again. I just keep hoping....that even one of them will take my lead and quit, too.

[QUOTE=humblestudent;2508773]So, she was like, "Well, are you going to stay stopped, or is this just for a while?" UGH - at this point, I wanted to say, are you writing a book or something?

Humble, this part made me :) :) :) !!!!!!!!!

I agree with everybody else, you really did handle that great! I remember when I was drinking feeling vaguely annoyed with friends who were choosing not to drink on a given night. Now I realize very clearly that it was because their not drinking made me feel uncomfortable about my own. And I think also because I thought they might be judging others' drinking (including mine!).

Congrats, thanks for sharing your story, I can definitely relate!

I think that sobriety can be threatening to people who are questioning their own habits.

I don't think you owe anyone an explanation and good for you for getting through that.

Thanks Anna - need to learn from you as I figure this thing out...sobriety & conflict from within and without.

good work HS :D

D

I hear you humble...I have been there too, and was also annoyed that I suddently felt like I had to justify myself. I agree with all the posters above- you handled the situation well. Like someone said, most of the "normal" drinkers don't even bother to observe whether you drink soda or beer. There is something true about the saying that those who are drunk like accomplices and hate sober witnesses.

And people talk anyways, but probably much less than we think. I'm prone to thinking about these scenarios too, they never lead to anything beneficial but I know from my own recent experiences that it's sometimes hard to stop them. But focusing on the positive people can help find more balance. Those who genuinely care about you will continue to stay in your life, and will be glad that you quit drinking.

I have a friend who regularly makes angry and hostile comments about my decision to stop drinking. Almost all of my other friends and acquaintances are supportive and/or have indicated a certain level of admiration (as it's something they wish they themselves could do but don't have the willpower). I've just finished a full year of sobriety (start of February) but even before then, my angry friend is grumbling how I should get back to drinking (... in moderation, he adds). I don't plan to start again and I'm not upset at my friend. He has a bit of a drinking problem himself and does not like certain kinds of change very much. If you are secure in your own sobriety, you find you can afford sympathy for some of these people upset at you for not drinking. ;)

When I'm asked I say, "I felt I was becoming too dependent on it". Not too many press me for further details. I think what you said was great, and who knows - some of these people probably secretly envy you & may even follow you some day. You're setting a wonderful example.

you most definitely rock humblestudent and i am very proud and very impressed with how you handled yourself.

i have a quite a bit of the scot-irish in me (surely didn't help with my drinking) and even as old as i am now still have a bit of the temper in me. i'm afraid i woulda ended up dropping a few f' bombs by the 3rd question.

i'm always impressed by someone with great self control in volatile situations. and tho' i can't relate to the wrong outfit on a middle school girl your use of it was wonderful. i love good writing and that put me in a middle school hallway...not in a dress of course...they clash with my hairy legs.

Good for you, HS...chalk it up to an experience that was bound to happen one way or another and it did. Sounds like you handled it great.

I always beat myself up later thinking, "I should've said this or that" - it doesn't matter (but I say that about other things besides recovery too). You didn't give your power away, and it sounds like you were assertive and not aggressive - awesome!

It's true that what others say about you (me, us) says more about them than it does about us.

It doesn't matter what they think, what they say, you know in your heart what you want to be doing and that's all that matters. :c011:

I get asked this ALL the time. It's like your drinking buddies are paranoid they are going to lose one of their own.

I could learn alot from this post, alot of my friends (and family) Drink and one friend inpaticular(cant spell that word:P) is in drug court atm for marijuana.I consider him to be my best friend he supports me and is about the only one on "my inside" that actually gives me, hope i guess you could say. Every time i leave to go see these friends/family they all ask me the same question.."So your not drinking!?" Like in disbelief. I comment nah trying to quit again.Well is it for good this time? i comment Hopefully.Then they pop a beer and i leave. not wanting no part of being around it. now im rambling lol, to the point.
I find it really hard to deal with the "is it for good this time" or the laughs and giggles i get from lots of my people when i tell them im not drinking even tho the not having a beer in my hand is a surprise.....I guess its just a lack of self esteem.
I sit back and read your post in amazment and it gives me hope and maybe a way of dealing with it in the future. just wanted to say:tyou

Wow - everyone! Thanks so much for the outpouring of support. It really feels great to be heard, and to have been able to share this with you.

Carol - I find that I don't find the drinkers so interesting anymore (and I'm talking about those who over-drink...), because I'm finding they cannot really follow a conversation and are in their own little worlds. Just like I was. They say the same things over and over and over in the span of a few minutes, just like I did. So, being sober, I find myself going, "Okaaaay...now what?!" But it does help me understand exactly where I was at - where I was stuck for so long, and truly TRULY makes me grateful for my new found sobriety. I love this new life, and I don't want to lose it ever again.

I think you handled it well,humblestudent.I have had similar situations like this.I learned to keep it short,and sweet.I just say,I found out I was allergic to it,and it doesn't work for me.I have never felt the need to justify my choices to anyone,because sometimes people aren't looking out for my best interests.

You know - I think you just hit it on the head...sometimes people aren't looking out for my best interests, the way a true friend would. And I think this is what I was picking up on from this person's demeanor that rankled me. It's that feeling of being asked a question by someone who is just waiting to make fun of your answer. I don't like it, and I'm on my way to not accepting being treated like that because my self-esteem is slowly, ever so slowly starting to repair itself because I am reconnecting with my true self, vs. the drinking person that ran the show for the last 20 years! She just got the boot!! :)

growing up
 

Hi Humble, What a great story from the front lines. what a inspiration.:You_Rock_