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Old 02-05-2010, 08:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
...really I don't
 
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A Story About Why I *Have* To Keep Coming Back


Hi Everyone

I've been reading posts on here and not directly participating which has characterized my recovery efforts for the past two months. I wanted to share about where that got me.

Short version: Grateful to have been in meetings all day today.

Longer version: I've been drinking and using for a little over 10 yrs.

Six yrs. ago, I attempted to stop for a few months but wasn't working any kind of program while going to meetings and only calling my sponsor when I was loaded. Switched drugs, kept using and stop going to meetings.

Two months ago, my drinking and using was so bad that I ended up checking myself into a psych ward because I honestly didn't know what else to do. Although I only really felt suicidal when I sobering up/coming down, my actions and way of life really where a "yes" when they asked me if I was a danger to myself or others.

I detoxed there and started an outpatient treatment program. I started out strong but, with time, wasn't taking direction, wasn't following suggestions, wasn't going to meetings, wasn't calling my sponsor, wasn't avoiding the people/places/things and was relapsing over and over again. I even picked up a new addiction while I was in treatment.

Yesterday morning, I shared at my outpatient group about how honestly I wasn't working an honest program or taking any responsibility for my recovery. I'm holding onto reservations and I'm not talking about or asking for help about what's really going on with me. Everything that got me into the center in the first place.

Hear me tell it, I'm doing all right and I'm doing the best that I can. Which is bullsh*t. Serious, addict in denial bullsh*t. That the only thing I can think to call voluntarily going into group while under the influence and sharing about everything except the fact that I'm loaded which I have done in that past but not that morning.

I also said that I need to keep my butt in meetings as much as possible because without them I don't stand a chance and promised myself and my group that I would sit in them all day after group.

Instead, I decided to go pick up some money from an old using buddy thinking, honestly telling myself, that I wasn't going to get loaded and that I was still going to go to a meeting. Well, it didn't matter because while hanging out with that friend the police arrested us.

The envelope that my friend had given me with the money in it also had drugs in it which I didn't know until the officer opened it and showed me. I told him I didn't know that was in there and, guess what, he didn't believe me.

I was then cuffed and taken around the corner where I got see all of the other people they were arresting including people that I didn't even know. I spent the next few hours hanging out with the LAPD trying not to go to jail for possession and whatever else they were going to add to that.

While sitting there in between questioning, my head was swimming with the program. Thoughts and feelings about powerlessness, surrender, willingness, a higher power and how incredible it was that despite the things that I have done in my addiction, I have never been to jail.

This was a new first for me and considering that, how much worse do I need it to get and, if it gets worse, won't I just do what I've always done in the past and just lower my standards yet again?

Also, a lot of thoughts about why now? Why on this day and at that moment when I really seemed to be kind of getting it? Then a mental reality check about me obviously not getting it because look where I am.

I prayed and struggled to feel grateful that my son would be taken care of in the event I wasn't released. I just surrendered, told the truth again and let it be. About 20 mins. later, I was released with no charges and I now know how people feel when they win the lottery. Grateful doesn't even describe how I felt.

Today, after meeting with my group I took direction and I've been in meetings all day. At one meeting, the topic was about independence through surrender and powerlessness. I had to share. It never really occurred to me until yesterday that, while I'm making a choice not to go to meetings and work a program, I could have the choice to do so taken away from me in seconds.

I get yet another chance but I have to get off the fence and come in from the outskirts. Jails, institutions and death. I'm now 2 for 3 with that combo. The last one doesn't give refunds. I have to surrender and do the work because even when I'm not using my head still takes me right back to my disease and I have to treat it every single day, one day at a time by doing what I've been resisting so hard.

Grateful recovering addict today. Thanks for listening.

Last edited by IDontKnowEither; 02-05-2010 at 08:13 PM. Reason: Left something out
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Old 02-05-2010, 08:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
same planet...different world
 
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nice.
talk abut a 'God shot'.

thanks!
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Old 02-05-2010, 08:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 02-05-2010, 09:09 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR IDKE
This is a great place to come on in off the fence

D
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Old 02-06-2010, 04:41 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR! I too hope you can come into recovery and off the fence. (((Hugs))) You can do this!:ghug3
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Old 02-06-2010, 04:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome,


Quote:
Originally Posted by IDontKnowEither View Post
I prayed and struggled to feel grateful that my son would be taken care of in the event I wasn't released. I just surrendered, told the truth again and let it be. About 20 mins. later, I was released with no charges and I now know how people feel when they win the lottery. Grateful doesn't even describe how I felt.
A God-shot, indeed. There is true Power in surrender.

It's good that you are now back in meetings, surrendering. Have you heard the saying "Pray to God but swim to shore"? - working the rest of the steps is swimming to shore.

Look forward to seeing you share more.
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It's your call.
Stay inspired [in spirit]"
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All quotes from first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous
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Old 02-06-2010, 11:40 AM   #7 (permalink)
Learning to live again
 
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Welcome to the family & thanks for telling your story. You are obviously ready for the madness to end. It took me 25 yrs. but SR helped me to finally have the courage to face what I am. I played with quitting in the past & it never lasted until I found this place where I could be myself and everyone would understand and support me.

I hope you'll come back to tell us more of your journey. Be proud that you've reached out for help and are ready for your new life to begin.
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Old 02-06-2010, 12:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR!
I have started out reading and lurking on the site for a couple of months too Glad you joined in, and I'm looking forward to you contibuting.
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Old 02-06-2010, 12:49 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Welcome!

I'm glad you posted and hope you keep reading and posting here.
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Old 02-06-2010, 01:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR. Glad you joined and shared your story.
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Old 02-06-2010, 01:17 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Welcome!!!
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Old 02-07-2010, 12:22 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thank you to everyone who welcomed me, thanked me and read my post. I appreciate every single one of you.

Today was hard but I stuck too it. Insomnia and cravings but I made group and spent the day with family. As I post this, I made it through another day.

@Intention: The Steps. I'm getting over my fear of them. I've been treating them like this "thing" or this "stuff". I'm reading and I'm reading and I'm reading and I'm educating myself which I didn't do before.

I'm restarting my steps right now. Obviously, I didn't do them the first time around and I now see how competely and throughly the first one has to be done even if it still has to be reaffirmed everyday.

/////////

I'm really trying here and I'm struggling here. Hard. Thanks for the support everyone.
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Old 02-07-2010, 04:23 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Yes, it's hard - but it will become easier as you go. In the beginning your thoughts & emotions will be all over the place as you start healing. I went through many phases and was discouraged a few times, but knew staying the course was the only way. I had been to hell, & knew the next time I failed I might be headed back there. As the fog lifts you will come out into the sunshine once again. You can do this!
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Old 02-07-2010, 04:28 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IDontKnowEither View Post
@Intention: The Steps. I'm getting over my fear of them. I've been treating them like this "thing" or this "stuff". I'm reading and I'm reading and I'm reading and I'm educating myself which I didn't do before.

I'm restarting my steps right now. Obviously, I didn't do them the first time around and I now see how competely and throughly the first one has to be done even if it still has to be reaffirmed everyday.
Hi again,

Yes Step 1 does need to be done thoroughly. It is the foundation step which all the others are built on. If it is not done properly, everything will fall down.

Over the last couple of years I had been attempting to work the steps ?! and I admitted I was powerless over alcohol very often but I always added the word "but" to the sentence. I never got sober for long.

When I finally took step 1 properly over alcohol everything changed. There were no "buts" this time. I was saying I was an alcoholic and I could never drink alcohol again (without it leading to disaster, probably my death)

I reaffirm the step every day. First thing in the morning before I open my eyes I tell God that I am powerless over alcohol and food and I cannot manage my life. I do that without fail as I know the day that I don't will be the day I will drink and eat foods which I shouldn't.

take care.
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"Know that at any moment in your life, you have the choice. You can either be a host to God,
or a hostage to your ego.
It's your call.
Stay inspired [in spirit]"
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All quotes from first edition of Alcoholics Anonymous
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