Soph

Can you believe that I have not wanted to let the class of Jan 2010 down! So I have not posted. But here goes:

I did not drink for the first 26 days of this year - January - even went to the film festival and didn't drink. But on the 27th - I caved - for the most trivial of reasons: there was wine in my fridge. My Mom had left it there (she had stayed with my son while I traveled.)

My sponsor says I have still not worked Step one all the way. Nor have I have ever hit the bottom so badly that I am shaken to the core. But I originally stopped drinking because it runs in my family, and I know it is progressive, and I don't like the change in me when I drink too much, and I know it will not take me anywhere pleasant. I am being preventive, and trying so hard to be intelligent! It sucks to be so new at this, after being a wine lover my whole life, with no huge awful consequences.

I don't want to hit a terrible bottom. It is a terrifying thought.

So (deep breath) My first New Day was Feb. 1st and I have already been to 2 meetings this week and going to one tonight (Friday) and am accountable.

Thanks for everyone for being here. It is hard to push yourself when others around you keep telling you how fine you are. I want to wear a tee shirt that says "I'm not fine, so be nice to me, I'm getting sober" very Bridget Jones feeling lately (if they took her wine away, that is! :-)

Horselover

I know the feeling of alcoholism in the family. I have seen it in my family, the neighbors I grew up to next door, and so on. I do believe we can have a propensity towards it and whether its the environment or the genetics I'm not convinced. I decided to quit because I wanted to stop the cycle in my family. I wanted to clean my act up and give my son a chance to see that life can be had quite nicely without a bottle in your hand. What is normal is what we are submersed in and so climbing out of that normalcy can take time and due diligence. It appears that you are trying.

As far as the tee shirt, you might become a multi-millionaire with that idea. Love it! I would have totally bought that shirt in the beginning. You might want to have several tee shirts with the progressive statements of recovery though. "I am now living my life to the fullest thanks to sobriety." Ah, well, perhaps too long, but you get my point. Recovery is a progression just like alcoholism is progressive, but in a MUCH better direction.

least

(((Forgive yourself))), learn from it, and move forward again. I've been there and done that. Never give up.

Dee74

Welcome back Soph

D

CoF1984

Welcome back and it's really good to see that you're back and not still out there. Keep making meetings and try to get into as much action of the program as you can. It was a big help for me in the beginning. Keep busy and active in postive and constructive things. Don't give yourself any time to "intellectualize" or "rationalize" anything. But this is my experience. Do with it as you so please. Hope you stick around and keep coming back.

Wes

Dean62

It's the most trivial things that get me in the end too. Glad your back posting.

Soph

Thanks you guys. I just came in from the best meeting! Wonderful group of women, some with as much as 24 years, some with as little as, well, me (5 days) - and all encouraging, all supportive.

I remember reading, several years back, Caroline Knapp's "Drinking, a love story" and relating to her a lot, but at the same time thinking "hm, she was hiding bottles, she was waay worse than I am" - but who's to say I wouldn't get to that point? Look, I have been drinking since high school and the only time i ever stopped was in 1996 when I was pregnant. That lasted what, about a year, with breast feeding and etc.

So yes, I miss the ritual of it, I feel like something is missing, as if someone important in my life is on a trip or away or died. I know it is my disease - and I know it is baffling, cunning, and will use every possible ruse to fool me. But I KNOW I want to be sober. I have known it for years. I want it and I will keep going to meetings and keep coming back :-)

mirage

You sound a lot like me and I've been in a couple "class of"s. It doesn't matter..what matters is you're here and workin it. Don't quit quitting!

Tiredofdrugs

Hi Soph:

My problem hasn't been alcohol, it's pain pills. But just as you are struggling with this relpase. I too as of 17 days ago have started over once again. With my injuries I deal with on a daily basis, I can stay on the pain meds with no problem. But I prefer not to. I like the person I am off these meds more than I do when I'm on them.

I wanted to suggest two songs that I like to listen to that seems to help me a lot when I can't seem to get my mind wrapped around the reason why I can't take these meds w/o a problem. They are;

Amy Grant - Hope Set High (Lyrics)

Mariah Carey - Hero (Lyrics)

You can listen to them on your free FB music player if you don't have them.

The other thing I like to watch and listen to is Susan Boyles youtube. The song she sings gives me such a lift. Plus the reaction from everyone is such a joy to watch. I love the fact she came from nothing and made it to where she is now.

YouTube - Full Version. Susan Boyle - Britain's Got Talent.

I sure hope these things help you a little. Take care and be kind to yourself.

InsideOut

Hey Soph,

So happy to see that your just NOT going to give up!! I have started over so many times but it tells me that I REFUSE to accept that I am just going to drink my life away.....Yes, I want better for me and I am going to continue to do whatever it takes!!

Soph, please, don't beat yourself up.....we have done enough of that! Be proud of you today cuz you are not giving up!! I am VERY proud of your reaching out and letting us lift you back up!! Your not alone in your journey!!

Love and hugzzzzzzzzzzz

intention

Hi Soph, well done on taking some action today.

The elevator stops on all floors - you don't have to go right to the bottom.

Do you believe that you are an alcoholic and that you cannot ever take a drink (without it leading to the inevitable disaster)?

sunset2000

Hey Soph,

So happy to hear you made it through the fest, sorry to hear that little bottle of wine tempted you. It's interesting that you and a couple of other people have told stories of relapsing over small things. I keep dreading the day something major happens and puts me to the test. It's a good reminder to all of us in the early stages, that anything can tempt us if we're not truly committed to sobriety.

I hope that you are able to make peace with yourself either way.

Soph

I am coming to grips with the answer to "Do you believe that you are an alcoholic and that you cannot ever take a drink (without it leading to the inevitable disaster)?"

I know for a fact that me, wine and my Mom are tied together in a way I need to un-tie. It has been our bonding, at times. She has always been proud that I am NOT an alcoholic like my Dad but instead am like her and am just fine with one or two. I cannot bear to tell her that I feel I have crossed over into insanity. Instead over Christmas I didn't drink but I said I was doing South Beach diet (ha! then I had to not eat carbs as well! Ah the tangled web we weave.)

So yes - I do believe that I am an alcoholic - I have made awful decisions over the years, have woken up way too many times with regret - and am battling cravings. I battle the voice that tells me I am not an alcoholic and it sounds like my Mom!

Horselover

That was eerie Soph. My Mom was one that I would drink wine with too. We totally relied on the wine to make the communication flow, but towards the end of my drinking even she saw the change in me. I had crossed the line and my personality started to change while drinking. I became quite argumentative. Even though she missed the times when we would have fun together, she totally saw I had crossed that line and would never be able to return. She is actually very proud of me and sometimes she wants to quit herself, but she hasn't found that place within to really make it happen. We love each other and it took awhile after I quit to feel comfortable, but we actually have deeper conversations now and more fun together because we aren't drinking and I don't become a jerk. Just so ironic that you should mention this about your Mom. One other thing we have in common.

Soph

Eerie is right! My Mom actually said to me over Christmas, when I wasn't drinking, "Hm, I thought you were cranky after a few glasses of wine, but maybe being home is what makes you cranky!" (Because I was really dang cranky.) So she has noticed a change in me too. Thanks Horselover - you are right. I can enjoy my Mom's company without the wine. I will have to, anyway. And hey, she's my biggest fan. She will stand behind me.

intention

Well in that case you can do Step 1 and then move to Step 2

Alcoholism is a disease which is "cunning, baffling and powerful" and it will do anything and everything to get you to start drinking again even if that means it talks to you in your mum's voice.

If you know you are an alcoholic, you know you are powerless and you want to stop the insanity......you can push aside the cunning voice in your head by recognising it for what it is, and work the steps. Eventually you will stop hearing it.


As to how you handle the issue of telling your mum, this is where a sponsor is benefical. You can talk it through with her first.
Take care.