Maybe I'm not in the right place
blarg
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 17
Maybe I'm not in the right place
I'm not recovering. I am ruining myself. I am afraid to close my eyes and jump. I'm afraid to go to my first meeting. I think the reason why is that I'm terrified that it will be a negative experience, and it's all I have left as far as hope.
Right now I have nothing, really. What little I do have I am losing fast. I've never tried so hard and failed so miserably. I am living each day just to get it over with.
I apologize if this was the wrong place to post this.
lee
Right now I have nothing, really. What little I do have I am losing fast. I've never tried so hard and failed so miserably. I am living each day just to get it over with.
I apologize if this was the wrong place to post this.
lee
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Yes you are in the right place
and many of us are winning over alcohol.
This can be true for you too.
Have you talked honestly with your doctor
about your drinking patterns? De toxing is a
medical issue and can be dangerous
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi Lee
Like Carol said, I hope you're considering seeing a Dr. - it's a sensible move.
I remember very clearly the fear of knowing I had to 'jump' but being deathly scared of doing just that.
Recovery was my 'in case of emergency - break glass' thing - for that 'someday' when I needed it. It was my little life preserver.
If I failed that, what then?
Well...'someday' arrived - I nearly died, so I jumped.
I made it - but I see now it's not an exam, Lee...noone gets graded on recovery - we're just in it - all together
If you have a negative experience at one meeting, go to another one, mate.
You will have noticed in your reading, some of us fall down and slip up - we get up again, learn from our mistakes and keep moving on.
We don't shoot our wounded. And you're not alone in this
I've never regretted choosing recovery. I don't think you will either.
Hope to see you around some more.
Welcome to SR
D
Like Carol said, I hope you're considering seeing a Dr. - it's a sensible move.
I remember very clearly the fear of knowing I had to 'jump' but being deathly scared of doing just that.
Recovery was my 'in case of emergency - break glass' thing - for that 'someday' when I needed it. It was my little life preserver.
If I failed that, what then?
Well...'someday' arrived - I nearly died, so I jumped.
I made it - but I see now it's not an exam, Lee...noone gets graded on recovery - we're just in it - all together
If you have a negative experience at one meeting, go to another one, mate.
You will have noticed in your reading, some of us fall down and slip up - we get up again, learn from our mistakes and keep moving on.
We don't shoot our wounded. And you're not alone in this
I've never regretted choosing recovery. I don't think you will either.
Hope to see you around some more.
Welcome to SR
D
I know you may feel all alone in this but you're not. We're all in this with you. Do'nt lose hope.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I have expereinced those feelings Lee (hug)
If you go to a meeting, or if you continue to visit SR .... you will see many who like you and I reach a point where the fear of hoping and believing seems as strong as the fear of continuing in the despair.
then again....like you said... ....
So what is the harm in jumping into recovery....you truley have nothing to loose
:ghug3
If you go to a meeting, or if you continue to visit SR .... you will see many who like you and I reach a point where the fear of hoping and believing seems as strong as the fear of continuing in the despair.
then again....like you said...
Right now I have nothing, really.
So what is the harm in jumping into recovery....you truley have nothing to loose
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 256
Welcome, Lee. I can tell you in my experience, these boards are among the very best I've found online for support. You will find loads of support and shared experience and understanding - without being judged.
There is hope. And while I am a newbie to recovery myself, my life is already getting better almost every day.
You're doing the right thing. Welcome!
There is hope. And while I am a newbie to recovery myself, my life is already getting better almost every day.
You're doing the right thing. Welcome!
Its time for bed
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Undisclosed Location
Posts: 343
Knowing that I wasn't the only one to fail while giving it my all HELPS BIG TIME!
Like Dee said, many of us have relapsed and slipped but learn from it. Find out what went wrong and do whats required to prevent it again. Post and see... it is therapeutic!
None of us quit the first time we wanted to
Like Dee said, many of us have relapsed and slipped but learn from it. Find out what went wrong and do whats required to prevent it again. Post and see... it is therapeutic!
None of us quit the first time we wanted to
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 318
Welcome Leec!
Here's a thought... maybe by joining the site and posting, you have already taken the first jump! I read the posts on the board here for a week before I joined, and as I watched the lives of a few people unfold before me, I was inspired to join. Best jump I ever took!
I have a few more jumps to take, like going to my first meeting and contacting a counsellor to help me work through some issues. But taking the small jumps that I have done over the past 2+ weeks made the journey a lot less overwhelming, and a lot more manageable.
Here's a thought... maybe by joining the site and posting, you have already taken the first jump! I read the posts on the board here for a week before I joined, and as I watched the lives of a few people unfold before me, I was inspired to join. Best jump I ever took!
I have a few more jumps to take, like going to my first meeting and contacting a counsellor to help me work through some issues. But taking the small jumps that I have done over the past 2+ weeks made the journey a lot less overwhelming, and a lot more manageable.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Hi Lee! I definitely felt that way many times. Like Dee, I was killing myself. I'd been at it for over 25 yrs. & it was sucking the life out of me.
When I found SR I wasn't ready to quit, but the more I read I knew what I had to do. These people had all made it out, and I could too! Being no longer alone gave me the courage to finally reach out for a new life. It was hard at first, because numbing myself was all I'd ever known - I had to grow up quickly & face the things that I'd screwed up. I felt so miserable all the time - I wanted to see what it would be like to be free of the poison, so I held on for dear life and just took tiny baby steps until I felt human again.
After that, it was all uphill, though sometimes I couldn't see the progress. I went through so many phases - I was angry in the beginning & resentful that I couldn't keep drinking. Then I thought - why would I want to? It had been many years since I had a happy, fun time drinking - now I was just drinking to stop the shakes. I wasn't enjoying anything, just getting through the days in a numb state - phoning it in.
You can do this and we'll help. Tell us how you're feeling. Sharing here has saved my life.
When I found SR I wasn't ready to quit, but the more I read I knew what I had to do. These people had all made it out, and I could too! Being no longer alone gave me the courage to finally reach out for a new life. It was hard at first, because numbing myself was all I'd ever known - I had to grow up quickly & face the things that I'd screwed up. I felt so miserable all the time - I wanted to see what it would be like to be free of the poison, so I held on for dear life and just took tiny baby steps until I felt human again.
After that, it was all uphill, though sometimes I couldn't see the progress. I went through so many phases - I was angry in the beginning & resentful that I couldn't keep drinking. Then I thought - why would I want to? It had been many years since I had a happy, fun time drinking - now I was just drinking to stop the shakes. I wasn't enjoying anything, just getting through the days in a numb state - phoning it in.
You can do this and we'll help. Tell us how you're feeling. Sharing here has saved my life.
blarg
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 17
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for being there.
As far as seeing a doctor, that's not possible right now. I'm currently unemployed and between my former employer and the COBRA people, they delayed getting the ball rolling with COBRA until about 1 week ago. Now they tell me I can pay $600+ per month for the privilege of having insurance back at some unknown time in the future. Bottom line, I have no medical insurance right now and therefore no doctor.
Meanwhile, I did land a job interview this Friday for what would be a good job, so I decided to stay dry at least until Friday. Yesterday was day 1. Today is day 2, and I feel restless, bored, tired beyond imagining, sad to the point of tears, and a million other things, but I am pretty sure I can make it through today until early evening and then take a sleeping pill and go to bed before I have any second thoughts otherwise (I've been an evenings-only drinker).
I know Friday is going to be an extreme challenge, because
1) I will have gone through being dry for the minimum amount of time I promised myself I would
2) I will have come out of an interview (the all-afternoon type) and will have a lot of stored up stress from that
3) it will be Friday, and in the past just being Friday has unfortunately been enough of a temptation to start again
It would be nice to think that, Friday evening I'm going to go to my first AA meeting, but I know that's easier said than done. I think ultimately whether I start going to meetings is going to be a very literal matter of life or death for me, because I have no safety net whatsoever. I have no family. I live alone. The very few real friends I have all live a distance away. My father and 2 brothers live on the opposite side of the country (and it's never been a very supportive family), and the woman I have become progressively closer to for the last 6 years has just decided to get completely immersed in her parents' cultish religion which does not allow close relationships with those outside their belief system. So ... I need people in my life desperately, and I don't see how else that's going to happen except maybe by ending this habit which seems to do nothing so much as it puts up more and bigger walls between myself and the rest of life.
Writing what I just wrote just took everything out of me. You all have been very kind to welcome me. I can't thank you enough.
As far as seeing a doctor, that's not possible right now. I'm currently unemployed and between my former employer and the COBRA people, they delayed getting the ball rolling with COBRA until about 1 week ago. Now they tell me I can pay $600+ per month for the privilege of having insurance back at some unknown time in the future. Bottom line, I have no medical insurance right now and therefore no doctor.
Meanwhile, I did land a job interview this Friday for what would be a good job, so I decided to stay dry at least until Friday. Yesterday was day 1. Today is day 2, and I feel restless, bored, tired beyond imagining, sad to the point of tears, and a million other things, but I am pretty sure I can make it through today until early evening and then take a sleeping pill and go to bed before I have any second thoughts otherwise (I've been an evenings-only drinker).
I know Friday is going to be an extreme challenge, because
1) I will have gone through being dry for the minimum amount of time I promised myself I would
2) I will have come out of an interview (the all-afternoon type) and will have a lot of stored up stress from that
3) it will be Friday, and in the past just being Friday has unfortunately been enough of a temptation to start again
It would be nice to think that, Friday evening I'm going to go to my first AA meeting, but I know that's easier said than done. I think ultimately whether I start going to meetings is going to be a very literal matter of life or death for me, because I have no safety net whatsoever. I have no family. I live alone. The very few real friends I have all live a distance away. My father and 2 brothers live on the opposite side of the country (and it's never been a very supportive family), and the woman I have become progressively closer to for the last 6 years has just decided to get completely immersed in her parents' cultish religion which does not allow close relationships with those outside their belief system. So ... I need people in my life desperately, and I don't see how else that's going to happen except maybe by ending this habit which seems to do nothing so much as it puts up more and bigger walls between myself and the rest of life.
Writing what I just wrote just took everything out of me. You all have been very kind to welcome me. I can't thank you enough.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Lee,
I hope you can begin to find peace in your life.
Please know that there is always someone here at SR who can offer support. You can always come here and read. It might help to plan to be doing something specific on Friday after your interview. Do whatever it takes for you to not drink.
I hope you can begin to find peace in your life.
Please know that there is always someone here at SR who can offer support. You can always come here and read. It might help to plan to be doing something specific on Friday after your interview. Do whatever it takes for you to not drink.
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