I_don't_like_feeling_life
 

I don't like feeling life. Blah blah blah...pity party is here today. Yes, I have things going on, some of which are really serious like my Dad is dying, but it's just life going on just like everyone else. I'm used to my crutch of getting f$%!ed up, which has turned on me and now it's poison to me.

I just don't want to feel it. I don't want to feel normal, or even average. I've got 35 days today, I'm in AA on step 4 with my sponsor and I also go to IOP twice a week. I'm not going to drink or drug, but I want to feel different.

Just sort of reminds me of an Elliott Smith verse...

You don't deserve to be lonely
But those drugs you got won't make you feel better
Pretty soon you'll find it's the only
Little part of your life you're keeping together

Just posting to post. F$#kity F$#k F@!k, woe is me, blah blah blah :)

How would you define different, Kjell?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

numb, the ability to chemically make myself feel good no matter what was going on, to be able to escape within minutes into oblivion, the ability to chemically make myself feel important, loved, safe, brave, etc...

Just to name a few...

minus the chemical part.........I pretty much think that's what we all are striving for. Being a newbie myself, I understand, the "old way" of doin crap is fresh in our minds.

and it WORKED............or did it??

I want to feel the real stuff this go around :)

Hi Kjell,

Sorry to hear you are not feeling so good today. Step 4 is very emotional as you are looking at lots of things which you are previously blocked out in your life using chemicals. It's raw and it hurts. Just because it has to be 'thorough' doesn't mean it has to take a long time. The sooner you can do 5,6,7,8 and 9, the sooner you get the promises.
Take care

This too shall pass...........it is called growing pains:wild

Yes is right what everyones sayin... Your goin through a rough patch... All things must
pass (GOERGE HARRISON), imagine you are out on the ocean and you sail into a storm,
you know you have to go through it... to come out the other side again to calmer waters, really emotions are just like the extremes of weather... Just have some faith
and beleif.. It wont last forever... GOOD LUCK...fellow struggler.

Hi Kjell

Sometimes feeling stuff really hurts. I know that's why I gravitated to drink and drugs in the first place.

But I know now, and I think you do too - feeling numb is not feeling good - it's not feeling anything...any thoughts you may have of feeling important, loved, safe, or brave under the influence aren't real...and they never last...

and so...we have to try again to make ourselves try and feel that way...
it's a vicious circle Kjell...and a evil dangerous trap...you know it as well as I do.

I think you are all the things you want to be, and more - don't let the 'eff its' throw you off the path to experiencing all that stuff...for real, Kjell :)

35 days is awesome - well done :)
D

:ghug3 A lot of wise words here so I'll just send hugs your way. You're doing great..hang in there.

That's a great line !

My experience, both in taking the 12 Steps myself and working with others through them, is that those Steps get uncomfortable. There is nothing wrong with that. They are intended to bring about a vast emotional displacement and upheaval. They are intended to bring us into conscious contact with a higher power.

It seems like almost without fail, everyone hits a point in the Steps where it gets real scary and real uncomfortable. Not to worry. Some people think that's the ego resisting change, the addict voice fighting for control, or even the devil himself exercising influence. I don't know about those things. I just know that if you are able to hang on and keep making forward progress, instead of hiding away and not looking at the dark places in your life, you can experience an awakening that will revolutionize your outlook on life. It will also solve your drink problem, but that's beside the point.

I worry about those folks who seem to just breeze along saying everything is great. I'm much more hopeful for those that experience some distress while doing the work required. You're just fine, kjell. Look at the dark places fearlessly, because you're no longer doing this alone. You're tapping a new resource that will give you the needed courage.

I'm very sorry about your Dad and I hope that you continue to get through the day sober.

I don't care much for 'feeling' everything now that I'm no longer numb. But I'm getting used to it and learning to deal with it. And it sure helps that a lot of the feelings I'm learning to deal with aren't regret and shame the next day. :)

:ghug3

Wow
 

Thank you all for your very thoughtful, insightful, and compassionate responses. This was very helpful and hopefully this helped someone else as well.

I made it through sober today and tomorrow I'll go to work, taking the day as it comes, asking and working for another daily reprieve.

I really don't even know what else to say except "whew..." (this is my attempt at exhaling through words :))

Hey there!

It does get so much better!! It's not all easy but it can be done. I've got almost 6 months now and it gets better all the time. I still have dives where evrything sucks, but it goes away. This new life is pretty fantastic you know :)

I'm in my 4th step. It's hard to stay there so I hope to get it over with soon so I can move on.

All the best of luck to you. 35 days is a great start. But remember, it's just the beginning. In a few months you'll feel much better still. And it keeps getting better. It's worth it!!

Love

Working through crap, and working through it sober will make you STRONGER. Not the answer most people want to hear, but in my experience, it really is true.

I'm glad to see you made it through sober. My very best wishes to you. Sobriety is so worth the journey.