Anodyne

And I really don't like it.

I go from "This is the best thing that could have happened to me, it is what I needed to finally accept that I will never, ever 'control' or 'manage' my drinking, ever, and that I DO need hard, intensive programs, that I will -not- ever be a 'normal' drinker. First offense, plea bargains, not guiltys. LOVING the 24/7 sobriety program I am on, WANTING court ordered treatment (I have previous called and tried to find a way to get court ordered, because of my rationalizing and wobbling and eventual convincing of myself that I could 'handle' drinking this time whenever I got sober or started treatment before, and been told that no, sorry, there is no way unless you are convicted of something)..life will finally BE life again"

to
"I can't believe this is going on. There is no way I am going to make it through this. My life is over. Everything's going to go so so badly, I'm going to end up losing my mind, raped and beaten to death, I can't handle this. I can't handle this."

But, on the bright side, this is the first time in a long time where I have been this stressed out and have not wanted to go running to the bottle.

It's messing with my head. I don't know how to deal with it. I've never been in this situation before. But I do know I won't drink because of the stress, and not just because that would mean sitting back in jail until a judge saw me. Then that makes me flip right back to hope and positive feelings, because I am not just not drinking for fear of consequences, but because I really, really don't want to. For the first time I know what it means to 'have a desire to not drink that is stronger than my desire to drink."

Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to...get it out.

Anna

It's not easy to learn to get through stressful situations without drinking, but it sounds like you're doing well.

Dee74

I think it's entirely normal to be freaking out - but not to be drinking is a really great step
Just try and stay in the day - worrying about 'what ifs' does nothing but stress you - we can't affect anything that happens tomorrow, right?

D

hendershot

Sounds perfectly normal. Something that people often say at AA, something I often cringe at actually, is "don't think." But that can be good advice, although sometimes easier said than done. Like Dee said, what works for me in those situations is living in the moment, the day or what not. I can't control my drinking much better than I can control my life as long as I am trying to. It takes some getting used to, but instead of having internal debates with yourself try to practice just shutting it down and accepting whether you want this or not it is going to work out in one way or the other. Working on acceptance is a good starting point for any recovery in my opinion. Good luck

coffeenut

Early sobriety and flip flopping thoughts go hand in hand. Glad you are here.

Omega10

You're not alone, I am going through similar things although not quite as intense as you. Part of me thinks "can I really do this for the rest of my life?" and then I get really overwhelmed. So I just focus on the short term, at least for now. I'm not a big fan of slogans or cliches, but there is a reason why they say "one day at a time".

Anodyne

Thanks for the comments everyone. Yeah, it is one of those easier said than done things "one day at a time" and "don't think."

But I did think tonight at group. That if my active recovery and sobriety is the most important thing in my life, which many say it should be, especially early on in recovery, then it is more important than what will or will not happen, and that whatever does happen, it will be a tool to further my sobriety and recovery.

Omega, I hope whatever you are dealing with works out well for you (:

CarolD

I find praying immensley comforting and calming....

If that is a new concept for you try this one

It's not necessary to think it will work....
just be open to giving it a go.

Anodyne

Yes, I like that one, our AA group (small town, only one) says that to open every meeting. I try to take it to heart. I feel as if I've removed myself from God - my HP, for a long time though, and I am scared and unsure of how to go back. And ashamed. Common things, I suppose.

Electriciandude

I feel what your saying about being unsure and ashamed when trying to let go and let god.I know I am only human and need help and I try to pray some but feel like a coward cause I've only went to him when I needed something,so selfish but Im sure that he knows when we are sincere or not!

Spawn

Ranting is a good thing it's better then keeping it bottled up

smacked

I'm just glad you're here 'talking' about it (or typing.. whatever) and not drinking about it

least

Agreed!

Spawn

totally cool,......