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I am such a mess right now

Old 01-26-2010, 11:00 AM
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I am such a mess right now

I am such a mess right now, I don't even know what to do. I fluctuate between picking fights with my family, coworkers, random people to crying to being completely numb, as if I've checked out of life altogether.

I have 30 days sober today, and yes I'm in AA and yes I have a sponsor. I didn't think I'd feel like this at 30 days.

I make comments like, "I want to go to sleep and just not wake up." I have people telling me that I am scaring them; that I am suicidal. I am scaring people with my anger, my instability.

I don't know what to do.
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Old 01-26-2010, 11:11 AM
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First off huggs to you for staying 30 days sober! What is going on? Please share with us what you feel when you have these moments. Let it out my friend. I know the road of sobriety can be emotionally draining. As much as I hate booze, I also feel a scared without it....as I am seeing the world without those drunken rose colored glasses and I am nervous but I am stronger than this....that is what I tell myself.

Vent....let it out

God Bless
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Old 01-26-2010, 11:13 AM
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I would urge you to see your doctor and/or a counselor. It sounds like a lot of tension that maybe a doctor or therapist could help with. I'm sorry you're feeling so badly and hope that we can be a lifeline for you to hang on to. Please check out the 'sticky' thread at the top of the forum page for suicide hotlines and such. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. :ghug3

Here is the 'sticky'. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-suicidal.html
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Old 01-26-2010, 11:17 AM
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Hi Lost,

I hope you can take a deep breath, and KNOW that this is temporary and things will get better.

What really helped me in the early days, was getting outside and walking. It gave me some time to myself, some quiet time, it helped me focus on the beauty of nature, and made me feel much better physically.
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Old 01-26-2010, 11:18 AM
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Stopping drinking is only the first step and for some it is the easiest part; the hard part is recovery-- learning to live sober, dealing with the past and the present w/o our crutch. I went to AA when I first stopped drinking but AA couldn't help with my emotional issues so I went to one on one therapy and got the help I needed. I hated myself probably the first year I was sober because I was so filled with shame and regret but I got through it and you can too. Even if therapy isn't available try talking about your issues here on SR you'd be surprised how many can relate and want to help.
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Old 01-26-2010, 11:26 AM
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Sometimes alcohol masks depression, sometimes it causes it. Mostly it does both. You really should take the other's advise and see a doctor, if you haven't already.
I was 5 months sober (first round) when I first saw a doctor who put me on anti- depressants and the difference in me was incredible. My husband who was close to buying me a bottle (just kidding) couldn't believe the difference in me either.
Don't give up. There are solutions. Hang in there, you are doing well.
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Old 01-26-2010, 11:56 AM
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Hi lost,
I am so familiar with those emotions you are describing it's uncanny. Do you think it's possible that you could have been abusing alcohol to mask the symptoms of bipolar disorder. I was.
Also, 30 days is long time! I've only been totally sober for 18 hrs. But you were STRONG enough and BRAVE enough not to let those horrible feelings make you run back inside a bottle.
I'd say your doing very well and as far as the mood swings and depression, finding a qualified doctor you can be honest with would be a good idea. There are alot of new medications and therapies for bipolar disorder and depression. And of course, keep coming here
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Old 01-26-2010, 01:56 PM
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I am medicated...the Librium was given to me partially for detox purposes but also for anxiety. I'm also on Prozac. I always drank on the Prozac, didn't really give it a second thought. I used to take Ambien for insomnia every night too, but I've found now that I'm on the Librium I can barely stay away anyway, so I haven't needed it for a month now.

I'm usually pretty even keel, but sometimes I just crash. Now is one of those times. I suspect it's worse because I don't have the alcohol to numb me.

In addition to the rollercoaster ride of getting sober, I care for a three year old and an infant, I work full time and do the housework. I'm exhausted. My husband has cut back on his drinking since I've been sober, but there's usually still a beer or two to be found in the fridge. And he will not stop selling marijuana out of our home, even with the children there. As far as daycare, the only situation I can afford is leaving my children with my mother in law, who is an alcoholic and usually drunk by the time I pick them up. My three year old cries every day that he doesn't want to go there and I don't blame him. It breaks my heart. I am feverishly looking for childcare alternatives right now.
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Old 01-26-2010, 01:58 PM
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Day 30 and I just wanna throw it all away...go home and get obliterated, drown my sorrows.

Sorry for the pity party.
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Old 01-26-2010, 02:13 PM
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I'm sure you know that with your husband selling marijuana out of your home, it makes it a dangerous place for your children.

And, I'm sure you also know that leaving your children to be cared for by someone who is drinking, is also very dangerous.

I hope that you find your way.
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Old 01-26-2010, 02:18 PM
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Originally Posted by lostmyway View Post
My three year old cries every day that he doesn't want to go there and I don't blame him. It breaks my heart. I am feverishly looking for childcare alternatives right now.
Hi, I know the issues you have with your mum but maybe it might be wise to accept her offer of paying for childcare in the short term. If the kids are happier.....it will help you. If they are safer, it will help you. You can deal with your feelings about her later when working the steps with your sponsor.


This is from Beyond the Influence by Katherine Ketchum and William Asbury and may seem relevant to you right now.

"Irritating or annoying events such as a traffic jam, the neighbors barking dog, a child's piercing scream, or a bounced check get blown out of all proportion. Pyschologist James Milam calls this emotional explosiveness "augmentation." When the brains cells are hyperactive, having been bathed in alcohol for a period of time and then left to dry out, even a slight provocation will set the nerves on fire.

"When I had a bad hangover and the phone rang" one recovering alcoholic recalls "it was like World War three going off in my head". Another alcoholic recalls how she would curl up in a ball when her children fought with each other. Only after several months of recovery was she able to deal with loud noises and intense emotional displays.

When a situation that would normally rate low on the irritability scale gets and exteme response, its obvious that something else is going on. That's augmentation: The brain is agitated by alcohol and any stimulus moving throught its hyperactive cells is going to seem bigger, stronger, louder and more emotionally jarring than it actually is.

Augmentation is a process that happens to everyone, alcoholic and non-alcoholic alike. If you're exhausted from lack of sleep and a friend looks at you cross-eyed, you might feel like bursting into tears or punching them on the nose. When you have the flu, you might be extremely sensitive to loud noises or certain smells. A week or so before their menstrual periods, many women experience a heightened sensitivity, created by hormonal shifts to physical and emotional stimuli. "
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Old 01-26-2010, 02:18 PM
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Howdy lost. Sorry for your struggles. I can't say that my experience with early sobriety was all that much fun. It hasn't been fun for the other folks I've seen go through it. But, even though it was hard, many of them are sober today and enjoy a life beyond their expectations

Originally Posted by lostmyway View Post
I have 30 days sober today, and yes I'm in AA and yes I have a sponsor.
I'm guessing you were trying to head off this type of response, but I'll throw it out anyway. AA, check. Sponsor, check. What Step are you on? Has your sponsor sat down with that BB with you and discussed it?
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Old 01-26-2010, 02:29 PM
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Sadly we have not started step work. The lady who is sponsoring me is only doing so temporarily. She is much older than me and feels I would do better with someone closer to my own age. So for now she just has me reading the BB from cover to cover.
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Old 01-26-2010, 02:50 PM
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Originally Posted by lostmyway View Post
So for now she just has me reading the BB from cover to cover.
That's kind of why I asked, lost. That's a great direction. Everyone interested in recovering from alcoholism should read the BB, cover to cover, at least a few times.

But so often, that's all a sponsor will suggest. It's not always their fault. For many, that's all they know how to do. That's what they did, and they stayed sober, and they passed on what has worked for them.

But for the alcoholic who is plagued with restlessness, irritability, and discontenment when not drinking (like you seem to be), reading the book is rarely sufficient. Self searching, leveling of our pride, confession of shortcomings (ie., the Steps) are what is required for recovery.

I know for me, time away from a drink was at least as miserable as drinking was. I didn't get better by days ticking by. I got better as the result of the Steps (actually better as result of spiritual awakening via the Steps, but that's splitting hairs). And the days just kind of ticked by all by themselves while I was busy in the solution.

Maybe somebody closer to your age would help. Or maybe just someone who is more engaged in the solution offerred by AA. I didn't like my first sponsor very much. We didn't have much in common. But he knew how to work the program, and I was hopeless. That was all that mattered to me. He knew how to help me have my own experience. I grew to love the guy dearly, but it sure wasn't that way at the start.
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Old 01-26-2010, 02:54 PM
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Early sobriety was a nightmare for me. My living situation had gotten deplorable, because when I was drinking I either didn't care, or couldn't think of a solution. Slowly, as I learned some new ways of looking at life, I began to untangle this mess I was in. Slowly, the light started coming back into my life. I think I was close to 6 months sober before I started to really get my act together.

Please don't give up. It gets better and better, and then one day, you look around and realize your life is more wonderful than you ever dreamed it would be. Just keep plodding along, one day at a time. Ask for help, read here and in your BB. Find a therapist, ask your doctor about new meds, but dont give up. 30 days is a phenomenal start, just for today dont drink.
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Old 01-26-2010, 03:09 PM
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You have my sympathy, lost - and I know it's lame, but I have to repeat what others have said. It will get better. You will not stay stuck on this phase. It is early days for you. We don't all of a sudden get dry and then feel fabulous. We've done so much damage to ourselves and we need to heal.

I hope you won't disappoint yourself by caving. You've come through a rough time & I'd hate to see you take any backward steps. Picking up again - you just don't know where it would take you. Every time I did that in the past, I seemed to tank very quickly and ended up sicker than ever.

I'm glad you came here to tell about your feelings. That's one of the best things about SR. Everyone has been where you are right now and we understand the hurdles you are trying to get over. Here's hoping you'll feel better later this evening, and will get past this.
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Old 01-26-2010, 03:21 PM
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hi LMW

I'm sorry to hear things are still hard...I think the way through is, as I said before, one day a time, always reaching out to others, and reminding yourself that there's nothing a drink makes better.

I am worried for your children tho.

I know you're doing your best and I'm not beating you up...but I'd be remiss if I didn't pick this up again - your husband dealing out of your home is one thing, but having someone drunk watching the kids?

They're both situations that need to be addressed with some urgency LMW...we both know that.

Please think about your mothers offer again to help pay for daycare - I really believe some things are more important than pride.

D
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Old 01-26-2010, 04:57 PM
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I was the same way for about 3 months after I quit drinking: I'd cry at weird times, and was on an emotional roller coaster.

Honestly, for me, I just had to ride it out.
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Old 01-26-2010, 05:31 PM
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Sobriety is very tough in the early stages my friend. We are relearning how to do everything, literally. I am learning to have conversations without being wasted and how to function without the dreaded enemy in my life. I am irritable and I would be outright lying if I didn't say that some of the smallest things royally tick me off. Almost bit the hubby's head off because he was trying to make a side dish for dinner and was in my way...WTF? Oh I went off and then I was really sorry because I didn't know what came over me but it passed. Both hubby and I know it is my body and my brain adjusting to the absence of alcohol.

Know that you will get through today and you are sober and will keep going. You are seeing things in your life now for what they are without the haze of alcohol to blind you to it.

As others have said, please seek counseling and discuss what is going on in your home and with family.

You are strong and can do this. Through sobriety you can not only be the better person you are but you can change those things in your life for the better. For now just get through today.

God Bless.
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