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Old 01-25-2010, 01:02 PM
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Day One

Hi,
I found this site 2 nights ago while drunk, on vicodin, and on xanax. I was terribly scared in a way I can't describe.. My posts are in the other Newcomer's category if u r interested.
I've been an addict since the age of 13 and am now 35 and I want nothing more than to get and stay clean without having to feel soul-crushing depression and misery all the time.
As of this writing, I have taken 1 percocet and 1 klonopin after having about 4 beers and some eggs (I am well aware of the destruction this may be causing to my liver).

Everyone I've met here so far has been like an angel to me.. I need gentle help.. I want nothing more than to stop doing this to myself.. I'm not ready for AA or NA.. I need to be clean for a while first.. (does that sound like a rationalization?)

Anyway, I just posted here because I need all the help I can get on a regular basis (I was never the needy type until now!) and u people have already been so kind even though u didnt have to be. If any of u ever need someone to talk to because you r suffering, I will be there for you...

Sorry if I'm rambling and incoherent but my emotions and my mind are a wreck at the moment.. :-)
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Old 01-25-2010, 01:29 PM
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glad you found us and it has helped you to be ready to look at your problem. Do rememeber though that you don't have to be clean yet to go to NA or AA....I put off going for a long time cause i thought i had to be well first....i didnt' get well till i went....
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Old 01-25-2010, 01:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Steven35 View Post
I'm not ready for AA or NA.. I need to be clean for a while first.. (does that sound like a rationalization?)
Hi Steven and welcome dude!

I've just started reading the "big book" today (AA's basic text) and it's a strange coincidence that you should mention the above because I just read this while I was on the throne (for some reason the BB makes great reading material during that time ).

Check this out from the Doctor's Opinion section...

"More often than not, it is imperative that a man's brain be cleared before he is approached, as he has then a better chance of understanding and accepting what we have to offer."
I'm not in AA but I'm thinking about going after I read the book. As far as it sounding like a rationalization - yeah of course it does but I can relate because I'm not drinking and still rationalizing not going (see above about reading the book before going).

When you're ready, you're ready and AA/NA will be there for you (and me!)

I'm glad you're here!
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Old 01-25-2010, 02:04 PM
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Hi Steven and welcome

Originally Posted by Steven35 View Post
Hi,
Everyone I've met here so far has been like an angel to me.. I need gentle help.. I want nothing more than to stop doing this to myself.. I'm not ready for AA or NA.. I need to be clean for a while first.. (does that sound like a rationalization?)
Yes it does sound like one but that's what the disease of addiction does to us. It lies to us all the time to convince us that we can do it our way. You say you need to be clean for a while first well I could ask you, how do you do that? because if you know how to do that, there are plenty of people here who would love to hear the answer, because they don't know it.

Just remember this disease of addiction is cunning baffling and powerful and will do anything to get you to drink/use again. .

We will be gentle with you but people will recommend AA/NA because to a lot of us it is the ONLY solution to getting sober. There are other programmes so do check them out. Whatever you do you have to do something different than you have ever done before because if nothing changes, nothing changes.

Keep posting here. Sharing really does help....it's good for you.
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Old 01-25-2010, 02:13 PM
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Thanks for the welcome guys.. It helps so much because I am so needy right now it's ridiculous.. Things on TV have made me cry like a baby which is SO unlike me.. I know I have a big problem, I know I'm an addict in every sense of the word, and I want to get completely clean more than anything.
Having said that, I do suffer from bipolar disorder type 2 which has never been properly treated although all sorts of drugs have been given to me.. Type 2 BD just means much more sever depression and less to no manic episodes. So sometimes, during 'dry' times when I'm not using anything, I get a crushing depression which leads inevitably back to drugs and alcohol even though a rational part of me knows that it will only make things worse.

Once again, thanks for making me feel welcome
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Old 01-25-2010, 02:16 PM
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Steven,

Big Welcome!

I completely understand how you feel at this point. I was so beaten down and full of self-loathing, I absolutely couldn't have handled anyone being hard on me. Please know that we do understand and know that you will find the caring and support that you want and need, right here at SR.

Good for you for deciding to live a sober life.
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Old 01-25-2010, 02:22 PM
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I'm sorry, Intention, if it seemed like I was being a naysayer as far as AA/NA.. I think that they are great organizations that have helped countless people.. I just feel a little humiliated and ashamed in my current state of anxiety, misery, and physical/emotional sickness.. I once stayed away from alcohol for a year.. but I used Xanax everyday.. (Sigh) It's like I only know one way to live.. I feel ashamed because most people think I'm a strong ,resonably young man.. when actually I'm a bag of fear and sizzling nerves.
I also get severe depression when I think about the years in my 20's when I should of/could've been having fun but instead spent all that time in a bottle or a bag..
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Old 01-25-2010, 02:42 PM
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Hi and welcome x
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Old 01-25-2010, 02:44 PM
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Hi Steven, you don't have to apologise for anything ...I was just trying to point out that people will mention AA/NA to you, pariticular if they have not followed your story. We never have a problem with someone if they are not interested.There are plenty posting here who have recovered in other ways.

Shame? It was shame which finally brought me down to my knees after I took my very last drink. It may seem like a negative but that feeling of shame, guilty, self-loathing, digust, utter despair, got me sober.

I don't think anyone would guess that I was an alcoholic as most of my drinking was done in secret and in company I really did all I could most of the time to drink at other people's pace rather than slam them down like I preferred.

Whatever your issues with depression and bipolar you are going to be better off without the alcohol and drugs that you abuse.
You are with people who understand here.
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Steven35 View Post
I feel ashamed because most people think I'm a strong ,resonably young man.. when actually I'm a bag of fear and sizzling nerves.
Steven, I am so glad you are here. I relate to the many years I tried to hide my drinking because of what people would think. This only added to my alcoholism. I also was on xanax and would wash it down with booze because of panic attacks/anxiety/insomnia. I was on very long but I was worse off with all of it. I was so miserable with myself but kept doing the same thing that made me miserable. An ugly vicious cycle my friend.

I also know all about the past and when I dwell on it....it makes me sick and of course I look to numb the pain and forget.

Chin up and hang tight. You are on the road! The journey is not overnight as it took me over 8 years to completely put down the bottle. It is possible and we may have to try many different options to find one that works. The key is you are determined to stop and you have our support. We all have in one way or form have been in each others place.

Huggs.
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Old 01-25-2010, 03:57 PM
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Thanks everyone. Your support means alot to me. I have people in my life, but none of them understand addiction which has always left me feeling very alone..

Jan24: yeah, the emotion thing is probably the hardest next to the anxiety... for me it's particularly bad at night.. dread, terror, sadness,misery, and feeling like the only person in the universe.. I've never been very emotional either but now I'm thinking that maybe the drink and drugs were causing me to be that way.. Now I'm all over the place.. TV, films, and even the newspaper have all made me cry over this past week.. I assume my brain chemicals are all out of wack and hopefully it will return to normal with time..

Sending positive vibes to all of you,

Steve
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:35 PM
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Hey Steve,
After reading your posts,I see we share many similarities.I used to love Xanax,painkillers etc.So I totally feel for you.I know what it's like to feel like one big raw nerve.I have always had depressive episodes,and anxiety even before I drank or popped pills.In retrospect I can say that what I was doing was self medicating those underlying issues.I feel it safe to say that a majority of us have felt a-lot of the things that you are feeling right now...and it's a nightmare for sure.It may take some time for you to feel better,but it will happen if you get the help you need to work through it.

We are here for you...
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