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-   -   relationships? boundaries? huh? (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/193172-relationships-boundaries-huh.html)

PartyofOne 01-25-2010 01:01 AM

relationships? boundaries? huh?
 
I am in recovery and am also in a relationship with someone in recovery. I have no idea what to do because I feel like as my recovery progresses, my partner's just keeps stalling. I never thought I'd find myself in a position to create "boundaries"!! What in the heck? That's what people have done to me in the past, and man, did I resent them for it. I see my own progress coming to a halt in order to continue to deal with my partner's struggles. It drags me back into that type of thinking. I accept the neglectful, erratic, disrespectful behavior, because "I understand", but it's slowly killing me inside. I trust myself 100 percent, but I don't know what to do when I'm on this side of the situation. I feel like this is karma coming back to slap me in the face. Has anyone else found themselves in this type of situation?

CarolD 01-25-2010 01:08 AM

No I did not have that situation
I left my still drinking lover to protect my sobriety.
However.....
others will be along to share with you later.

You might want to read the sticky posts in our
Friends & Family Forums for information.
I suggest you read "Co Dependant No More"
by M Beattie about boundaries.

Welcome to our recovery community.....:wave:

Your choice of member name made me :)
I spent many years in the restaurant/hotel.bar industry.

PartyofOne 01-25-2010 01:38 AM

Thanks Carol. My name was inspired by a book I read a long time back when I was still drinking and trying to convince myself that being alone was the only way to go. :)

I read some posts in the f&f section and felt like a fraud. An addict trying to understand how to deal with an addict? It makes me laugh at myself. I feel like I'm in some type of surreal dream. Like my family/friends locked me in a fun house so I could understand everything I did to them or something. It's just so far beyond my capacity of understanding at this point. Thank you though . . . You just saying you left your lover to guard your sobriety was a push in the right direction? I just don't know. The guilt is overwhelming me. Trying to stay connected to my higher power but it's been a crap shoot lately.

Firehazard 01-25-2010 01:43 AM

Stick with the winners and drop the rest.:c020:

CarolD 01-25-2010 01:55 AM

:laughing: ... Not a push to leave
justsaying he survived and I thrived.
I also found the stench of his alcohol disgusting.

We met as drinkers...turned out that was the strongest bond
I changed our roles when I got sober. My new lifestyle
did not include hanging out in bars or drunken risky behaviors.

Did the same to my social circle....all excessive drinkers at best.
I declared my apartment to be a non drinking zone.
Told everyone I was attending AA....most drifted away

Thus I had time to find new friends with my goal
of recovery.

Not all loves are forever
The oddest thing...the men I loved as an active alcoholic
are not the men I find interesting in recovery.
:lmao

Hope you find a way to enjoy your sober life

Dee74 01-25-2010 02:39 AM

I look at myself back in my early recovery and I'm glad I stayed single - I was several different people in my first 6 months - it was at least that long until I began to feel some kind of consistency.

I don't know how long either of you have in recovery, but chances are you're both going to have to be very communicative about your needs and feelings, and very flexible in adjusting to changes for the relationship to have any chance to work.

Above all, you should both remember your priority.
D

least 01-25-2010 04:04 AM

Welcome to SR! I imagine it would be difficult to deal with my own recovery if my partner were also in recovery and didn't seem to consider it a priority. I hope we can give you the support and hope you need to continue in your sobriety. :grouphug:

intention 01-25-2010 04:37 AM

Hi and welcome to SR. Look after yourself.

Tazman53 01-25-2010 05:41 AM

Welcome to SR PartyofOne.

Recovery is far from an easy road to take in early recovery.

I have been sober for almost 3 1/2 years thanks to my HP, the program of AA & the fellowship of AA. In AA it is a suggestion that one avoids any major changes UNLESS the changes are going to HELP one focus on thier recovery....... this includes new relationships.

I am VERY thankful that I was already married when I got sober, when I got sober my marriage was all but over with due to my drinking so I knew that I had to focus solely on my recovery, not my marriage or seeking out other companionship!

I knew that if I did not recover and stay sober my marriage was OVER!

I told my wife that my sobriety came first & it is going to have to stay that way...... her reply???? "We will see."

I can tell you what I did to save my marriage. I worked strictly on my recovery, I stayed sober no matter what!

In my short time I have seen in AA far more people in early sobriety who decided that a NEW welationship was more important then thier own sobriety wind up relapsing.

No it is not 100%, but pretty darn close.

The best advice I can give at this moment..................... NO MATTER WHAT keep your recovery as your priority #1.

You can not keep him clean & sober any more then he can keep you clean and sober!

If I had a boat anchor around my neck in the middle of the Atlantic that I was in love with, but if I held on to it I was going to drown, I wold let it go and live.

Saphie 01-25-2010 06:03 AM


The oddest thing...the men I loved as an active alcoholic
are not the men I find interesting in recovery
Wow Carol, that one has never occurred to me, oh well I'm not going to find out as I'm still married to the one I found interesting when I was drinking :) .

Hi P41 and welcome,
I always thought my plight (poor me :) ) being in recovery with a hb that still drinks was pretty tough. Thinking about it, I think yours is just as tough if not tougher. At least I can live around him and still be sober. I don't know if I would be a good support and adviser for someone that is struggling. Not yet anyway. I'm practising here on SR, but it's a different story inside your own home. Good luck - keep coming back. We are here for you. Your sobriety is priority. Always.

lostmyway 01-25-2010 06:46 AM

Well, I'm not the best person to be giving advice on this, but here is my situation, and I'm sure you'll be able to relate.

I'm pretty sure my husband is an alcoholic and just won't admit it. Of course, it's not for me to decide whether he is or isn't. That's on him. But I have a strong feeling.

Our situations differ in that you are your partner are both in recovery. I am in recovery and my partner is not. It is not impossible to become sober when you are living with an alcoholic, but it is not easy. Your pain comes when you see your partner struggle or regress. My pain comes when I see that my husband is still suffering.

My relationship with my husband is a separate issue than my alcoholism. Frankly I could take him or leave him, but we have two children together and it's not that easy to just pick up and go. So we coexist peacefully.

The important thing here (with the exception of my children, of course) is that I COME FIRST. I won't sacrifice my sobriety for him. To a degree this means living separate lives, but that is necessary at this point in time.

The bottom line: if your partner is a threat to your sobriety, you do need to set boundaries. Take care of yourself first.

Tazman53 01-25-2010 07:02 AM


The bottom line: if your partner is a threat to your sobriety, you do need to set boundaries. Take care of yourself first.
Well said!

Anna 01-25-2010 07:31 AM

I have also had to learn to set boundaries. I have a few toxic members in my immediate family and I had to distance myself emotionally, in order for me to thrive.

I also have different people in my life in recovery, than I did when I was drinking.


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