Seekinghope23

Hey everyone this is my first post here and I wanted to say thank you for a wonderful site. This might be longwinded but after last night I have decided to get on the wagon so to speak and start my life over again without alcohol. I am going into this with optimism and excitement as I am so ready for a change and ready for good things to start happening to me again.

I guess I will get to how I came upon this site. Last night I was in the middle of my longest bender to date (about 4 days) and after drinking 8 beers at home I decided it would be a good idea to go out to a bar. I went alone, but of course someone I hadnt seen in a long time happened to be there as well so now I had an excuse to stay longer. After about 4 drinks there he wanted to go to another bar so we went and I dont even remember how many drinks I had there. He then drove me back to my car and thank god I only live a min away from there otherwise I think I might have killed either myself or worse....

I then wake up this morning, feeling like death, and I'm still in my clothes from last night and didnt even bother to take the covers off. Come to find out I had relieved myself during my sleep. Drinking is so glamorous right? I then walk outside to smoke a cig and find that my car is sitting out in the road with the trunk open and it looks like I must have bumped a car or something because I had a little scuff and the reflector was broken.

It's not the first time I have admitted that I am an alcoholic however this time I am seriously committed to this as I am tired of having mornings when I wish I could just crawl away. I seriously spent all day waiting for the police to knock on my door and lead me off in handcuffs. I dont know what I hit, if I hit anything, but I dont remember. I dont like the fact that I have lost control of my life and I want it back. Alcohol has never treated me good, so realizing this why do I still go back to it. I am scared that I am going to end up in the grave or jail if this keeps up and im not ready for the grave and I certainly wouldnt make it in jail.

Im scared and hopeful at the same time. I have previously quit for a year but no longer than that. I had just stopped for a month as that was supposed to be when I wanted to quit. I relapsed and it was pretty bad, the boiling point being last night. I am so anxious and probably going through withdrawls as my hands are sweating pretty heavily. I just wanted to post what made me find you guys and thank you for a place for me to talk about this.

Stayinfree

Hi and welcome.
I'm new here myself and on day 4 sober.
Glad you've made the decision to get rid of the booze and you can wake up tomorrow without THAT fear...it's what I enjoy most.

Seekinghope23

Thanks for the welcome. Congrats on making it to day 4. I've tried giving it up multiple times and I know its not easy. I wish for all of us it was. I can't wait till I can look in the mirror and like what I see. As I said i am scared but at the same time optimistically and positively going into it this time. I figure this is a good place to talk to people going through the same thing and getting support that I know im going to need.

NEOMARXIST

Thanks for posting.

You brought back to me really vividly that FEAR that I used to feel after a binge wondering how the hell I got home and what I did/said and just generally feeling like I have lost total and utter control of my life.

I had to give up the booze totally and actively work on recovery from my alcoholism. I use AA/SR and much wisdom from elsewhere too.

I am 6.5 months sober now and I don't have that immense sense of fear in my life anymore. I have changed the way that I view life and the world and people in general and it has made me a much calmer, relaxed person. AA meetings are free and full of other alcoholics just like you. SR is too and a truly great recovery resource.

I feel hope now where I once felt hopelessness.

Seekinghope23

Man congrats on 6.5. I cant wait until I can say that one day.It truly is FEAR....I feel guilty every time and I can't live with that anymore.

I am so ready to give it up completely as I need a change in total lifestyle. I have been getting counseling for about a month which has helped me in venting my frustrations to somebody else instead of just myself.

I really am glad that you have changed your outlook on life as there is no sense being here and not enjoying it right? I just have to learn that I can't enjoy life with the sauce. There are so many other productive things to do besides that.

Dee74

Hi Seekinghope 23

I drank for the best part of 20 years. I remember a lot of mornings like that.

I haven't had any like that for nearly 3 years now and I don't expect to again

What I've learned here at SR has made all the difference for me - I hope it will for you too.

Welcome to SR
D

Seekinghope23

Thanks for the welcome!

It must be nice being able to wake up with a smile instead of the constant anxiousness that accompanies "the day after." I literally cannot wait and refuse to have to go through this ever again.

Is there ever a point where the cravings stop or will it always be there for me? Regardless I can't and will not ever give into them again.

Anna

Hi Seekinghope and Welcome,

Reading your post brought back memories of mornings when I woke up and as I looked from room to room, I would see more and more issues to deal with and the paranoia would begin. It's such a horrible feeling.

Just know that you never have to go through this again.

least

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you found us and joined the family. I'm also glad you haven't been hurt or hurt anyone else driving drunk. I used to think I'd never driven drunk but my daughter told me otherwise. I cannot allow that to happen again and if I don't drink, it *won't* happen again.

NEOMARXIST

Hi again. You sound like you may be at the point where you've simply had enough with booze.

I found that simply giving up the booze is only one part of the solution and in actual fact is the easiest part, certainly for me as I was still just a heavy binger and not 24/7.

It's the staying stopped which takes the work. That requires a whole shift in psyche to enable your thinking to be changed to the extent where drinking just seems pointless and doesn't cross your mind. That is what the 12 steps are there for in AA.

Recovery from alclholism is like starting school again and gaining a new education. It constantly has to be worked on/maintained on a daily basis to keep the demon away. But accpeting to your innermost self that you will always be an alcoholic is an important turning point IMO. The basis in which sobriety can be built from ie- step 1.

Seekinghope23

Thank you so much for the welcome and support!

I am a mess because I don't want to feel like this anymore. The funny thing about the booze is that I was using it to cover up pain yet it didn't do that at all, it only compounded it.

I can't imagine leaving this life yet and I am going to take control back so I don't have to feel like this anymore.

Seekinghope23

Thanks for the welcome Least!

Yes I am not proud of myself for doing that as I find it truly disgusting to drive while intoxicated. I really could have killed myself or someone else. I don't know what I would do if that ever happened so you are right.....it won't happen if I don't drink.

I intend for it to never happen.

Hevyn

Welcome Seekinghope. It's great to see you here, & with such a positive attitude. I was sorry for myself when I first quit and moped around for quite awhile, which held me back from making progress. You seem ready to do this, and I'm happy for you.

Yes, driving drunk is disgusting. Yet I did it quite a few times & got caught twice. I always told myself I was fine - I'd just be extra careful. I have a friend who ended up in jail for 20 yrs. for vehicular homicide. He had been at a retirement party & had a few, plus fell asleep & drifted into another lane. We always think it could never be us. If your drinking has reached that blackout stage you are very wise to be doing this.

I also woke up many times in a dark room, not knowing if it was day or night & trying desperately to recreate the night before. What had I said or done? Who was with me? How did I get home? Thankfully, no more of that hellish life for us.

As for the cravings, for most of us they get less & less as time goes by. In the beginning I obsessed about not drinking, now I barely think about it. I no longer miss it after over 25 yrs. of being dependent on it. Let us know how you're doing.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community.....

You know you can stop as you did so for a year.
That's good to know.....

The next step is learning how to enjoy a sober life.
AA has been an awesome adventure for me
and I hope you will consider checking it out.

All my best

Seekinghope23

Thank you Carol and Hevyn! The outpouring from everyone means alot to me and I thank you all again!

Hevyn, I have tried quitting multiple times so I have had that feeling of depression and I guess you could call it "loss". At first it seems like you're losing a friend but in actuality you're getting out an abusive relationship. I will not be sad to say goodbye as only loss will be found if I keep it around. Im sorry to hear about your friend and your driving problems. I have been lucky in that arena as there have been multiple times when I should have been pulled over. But for the grace of god.... Your comment about putting together the night before is all to true. It is a total nightmare and what I have been trying to do all day today. I can barely even look at myself right now due to shame and embarrassment. Consequences of such a lifestyle which I no longer want to or am going to live.

Carol, thank you for the kind words. I have stopped before but have given into the stresses of life and picked the bottle up thinking that would help me get rid of them. This time its for good though, no more excuses. I lived 17 of my 28 years without it so it can be done and I managed to deal with the stress then so now its time to relearn how to do it all on my own without the help, or lack thereof, of poison. It's exciting for me to think about starting a new and better lifestyle.

HumbleBee

Welcome! You have a great name that fits what you're doing.

I had a similar experience to yours. I had stopped drinking for nearly 2 years - I felt great - but I picked up again for no memorable reason.

I realize now that in those 2 years, I was just "not drinking." Sure, I felt good physically, but I wasn't living life in true recovery. BIG difference.

You do sound as if you've reached a point of 'enough' already. After stopping and starting, stopping and starting again, alcohol's ability to numb us, calm us, be our devoted friend, gets less and less until it's no more.

It actually starts doing the reverse, which is where I was and sounds like where you are now. The shame, guilt, self-loathing, wtf did I do/say, fear and anxiety becomes too overwhelming and unbearable.

THIS time around is so different cuz I learned how to actually live sober -worlds apart from just not drinking.

Great that you have a counselor to vent to. Is this counselor a LADAC (licensed alcohol/drug counselor)? I had one early one who saved my life.

Good start with posting on SR. Keep sharing. Look through some other posts to see what others have done to find their way. Knowledge is power. Support from those who care and know what you're going through is awesome.

You'll find that here. Seek, share and have faith. Take care of yourself.

HB

Seekinghope23

Thanks HB!

That's exactly how I was looking at it as well during that one year. I was basically just "not drinking" instead of being sober and recovery wasn't even something I was thinking of at that time. I should have died last night from alcohol poisoning but I didn't and I am eternally grateful and feel like I didn't because I have other things in this life that I need to accomplish. Recovery from alcohol being one of them.

The counselor I see is more like a psychiatrist but it is still good for me as I have other issues I need to work on as well. I've been here under a day and I already feel like im at home. Thank you for making me feel welcome and reminding me that I am not alone.

ATime4Change

I am also new here. Just joined today. Your post is wonderful and rings true to me in so many ways. I am also disgusted with alcohol. I like it while I am at the tavern drinking with friends but the next day I hate it and I am always mad at myself. Sometimes I sit in my car in front of the tavern and look at it because I really don't want to go in. But I do and once I have a couple I feel better and am glad I am there. It is so stupid. I hope this feeling of disgust stays with me.

Seekinghope23

Thank you for the kind words ATime4Change!

The love hate relationship with alcohol is something that I have dealt with extensively over the last 10 or so years. I hate it exclusively now which is why I am quitting. I don't like the feeling of guilt I have for drinking the next day. Its ruined relationships, my grades have been affected and my body has been beaten. It is not a good thing and I just want to be well again. Not to mention the withdraws from alcohol are crucial and something that I never want to experience again. It is just not worth it.

Ceres

I don't like the feeling of guilt I have for drinking the next day. Its ruined relationships, my grades have been affected and my body has been beaten. It is not a good thing and I just want to be well again. Not to mention the withdraws from alcohol are crucial and something that I never want to experience again. It is just not worth it.

I remember being in my car on the highway when all my illusions broke to peices. My mind raced through years and years of the obvious hold alcohol had on me. I was in utter shock. I had no idea until that moment.

Same thing happend to me once.. Except I know I hit two cars in the parking lot of a grocery store. Moved one out of it's spot a good three feet. Plenty of spectators for that one. I thought for sure I'd get a knock at the door. Never came.

It sounds like you're at just the right spot. Finding a local meeting would place you in the next right spot. There's so many people out there who's strength you can draw from.