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I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now (long but please help:(

Old 01-23-2010, 09:38 AM
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I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now (long but please help:(

I know that sounds dramatic, but it's true. I have so many feelings raging inside me I feel that I could explode. I have 27 days sober now and am experiencing feelings for the first time in roughly 13 years and I have no idea how to deal with them. I can't stand hurting. I never used to hurt. I used to drink.

I'm doing the best I can. I go to meetings, I pick up the phone when I feel the urge to drink, I'm STILL taking my detox/anti-anxiety medication regularly as directed by my doctor. Sometimes when I get the urge to do drink I do strange things like dye my hair or get a tattoo (got a tattoo last night.) It's huge, covers most of my upper arm. It was my first one. I have no idea if these are healthy ways of dealing with things but at least I'm not drinking.

I told my sister in law, a social drinker at best; she doesn't really care for alcohol, about my sobriety on her birthday and got nothing but support.

As for everyone else?

I told my mom about getting sober and she had the same standard reaction she has to everything. Denial. She doesn't believe I was ever as bad as I told her I was. This is the woman who started cheating on my father when I was about 9 or so because she couldn't stand his alcoholic behavior but didn't have the guts to leave him. She just found what she needed elsewhere. Trouble was, she brought my younger brother and I along for the ride, often leaving us in strange apartments so she could go out with a man. One man in particular I will never forget...he served me my first drink at age 13. My mother made no objections and it was that drink that started my career, for lack of a better work, of alcoholism.

But you see, my mom is so "perfect" (LOL)...well dressed, career woman with a Master's Degree, and her life is going so well now (with the exception, of course, of her dysfunctional relationship with my dad) that she DOWNRIGHT DENIES THAT ANY OF THESE THINGS EVER HAPPENED. Occasionally she'll make light of it if I bring it up, but it's mostly just denial. It makes me think I'm losing my mind...I know what I went through was real. Besides all of that, she is a constant enabler...doesn't really drink herself, but supplies my family of alcoholics with booze that inevitably ruins our get togethers because everyone just gets drunk and fights. I know...I used to be in there fighting right along with them. I told my mom I will be getting my 30 day coin soon and she was like, "Oh, that's nice, I'm glad you're maintaining your goal." Goal seems to be a small word for what I am accomplishing...I've had to change my whole life!

My mother in law is an alcoholic who watches my three year old son and three month old daughter every day so that I can go to work. I haven't been happy with this arrangement from day one, but I can't afford any other option. Leaving my kids with this woman is killing me. Every day that I have picked them up this week, she has reeked of alcohol. We've already had a talk with her about it and obviously it's done no good. What else is there to say? I told my mom that I was going to go down the road from my house to apply for a waitressing job at a restaurant to earn extra money to be able to send them the preschoool and daycare. I know it will be rough on me, but I will go to any length to get them into a more positive environment. My mother's response was, "You're an @$$hole! That's just where you need to be. In some f*cking biker bar!" (Bikers do go there, but I would hardly call it a "biker bar.") She says she will give me the money to get the kids into other care. I told her that it is my responsibility. And I am SICK TO DEATH of her and my father trying to make up for all of the mistakes they know they've made with money.

I wrote a letter to my father the other day that I will never give to him.

Dear Dad,

Why were you always so angry? Do you know that I lived in fear of you? Why did you think that being a dad and an alcoholic could ever go hand in hand? I didn't understand why you drank, but I knew it always created trouble.

Why wouldn't you get help? Did you not want to get bettter? Did you know what kind of example you were setting for your kids? Did you care that we were young and impressionable?

Do you think I have good memories of my childhood? I know you are a hard worker and we never lacked for anything. I know that you bought me things because you didn't know any othe rway to make things up to me, but Dad, I would have traded any of those things - the cars, the down payment on my house - to have a real conversation with you. But you can't show love and you are so one-sided that it is impossible to talk to you without feeling like I am walking on egg shells. Your words and actions are so forceful that I fear saying the wrong thing and making you angry.

I love you, Dad, but I know I will never have closure on these issues because we will never be able to talk about it without you flying off the handle. I know you love me too, in your own way, so I guess that's all I can ask for.

Love,
Melissa

These thoughts and feelings are just spinning around in my brain, I am so depressed I can hardly get out of bed to take care of my kids. Writing about it helps, but I want to talk to somebody. I thought about calling this lady from my group and asking her to meet me for coffee so I could get some support, but I don't know if that's appropriate...she's not my sponsor or anything, I don't have a sponsor yet.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom would be a lifeline for me right now.
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least (01-23-2010)
Old 01-23-2010, 09:43 AM
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That's a lot of stress to be dealing with, especially so early in recovery. I would suggest seeing a doctor for help with your symptoms of anxiety and/or depression. Or maybe a good counselor. As far as your kids, I'd be anxious too if I were leaving them with a practicing alcoholic. I have no solutions for you but want to welcome you to SR and hope you can find support here and maybe some answers.

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Old 01-23-2010, 09:57 AM
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My family was also in complete denial. By family, I mean my husbands family. Who I'm closer with. I think his dad still has doubts even after telling him my dirty hiding secrets.


The human psyche is a funny thing. As long as you're taking care of yourself, your brain will remember how to manage all these "alien" emotions. When I was early recovery if I didn't like my mood, All I had to do was wait a minute because it'll change. It sure was a big relief to finally get the stability when it came. And It almost always does.

"I do strange things like dye my hair or get a tattoo (got a tattoo last night.)"


That sure was me. I went all out with hair color. Pink, black - pink With black. Mini dresses, stiletto boots, very "bright" wardrobe. It was as if I was telling the world that "I've arrived". It might sound cool, but I looked like a damn fool. Sigh, I'll always have the pictures! ;-)

I still like my boots!

Anyway, I felt like I was 17 again. Which I was, emotionally. 2 1/2 years later I honestly think I'm catching up a little. I think I'm about 25 years emotionally now. Not bad for being 37.

Writing those letters we'll never send is a wonderful tool.
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yeahgr8 (01-23-2010)
Old 01-23-2010, 09:58 AM
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Ring the lady from your group, why on earth are you trying to handle this by yourself when you don't have to...wow cmon, seriously ring her now or asap! Get a sponsor now or asap and start working the steps, you have no idea how much the steps will help you with all this, you have to start doing them...i don't know how to emphasise all of what i have said as THE solution for you...

When i went into AA i wanted to kill both my parnets and do myself, yet here i sit perfectly calm and able to have a conversation with my mother with no problem now...i've only been sober 6 months, i had all the promises coming true by month 3 and had finished the initial work on the steps after 6 weeks...fingers and toes crossed that you listen and pick up the phone and get a sponsor!!!
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clifty2 (01-23-2010)
Old 01-23-2010, 10:15 AM
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Hi, yes definitely call this lady and ask to meet her today. Tell her you are in trouble. Please do it. If she is working the steps, step 12 is about helping others who are in need of recovery. She would welcome the call and maybe she needs it right now....that is often the case. If she can't help I am sure she will get someone who can help you in this crisis.

As to the answer to all of this, it is working the 12 Steps, not just going to meetings. By working them we deal with all this crap from the past and we learn how to deal with people in our lives who, in the past, have been toxic to us. You may never have the relationship you want with your parents but you can get to a place where they no longer hurt you like this.

Please call that lady now. You don't have to do this alone.
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Old 01-23-2010, 03:06 PM
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Hi LMW

that certainly is a lot to deal with - for anyone.

My family deny I have a problem too. I resented it at the time, but I see it for what it is now - it's a defense mechanism.

I found other avenues of support - they not only helped - they were vital.

Use all your avenues too - you shouldn't have to deal with everything alone - use SR and use AA, Melissa.

Counselling, or seeing your therapist if you have one, might be something to look into too, but I know money is tight - and I'm sorry for your babysitting situation.

I understand not wanting to accept money from your folks - my parents are exactly like that too - but remember it's an option, however unpalatable.

Look up PAWS too (apologies if you've seen the link)
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) ó Why we donít get better immediately) Digital Dharma

Your problems are very real, but our ability to deal with stuff may be still a little impaired at 30 days I think.

You're doing fine LMW - keep reaching out and leaning on us
D
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Old 01-23-2010, 03:51 PM
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I wish I had some words of wisdom for you.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through.
Please get some help and support as soon as you can.
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