Alice11

Well, a little about me. I'm 27 years old and have had a problem with alcohol since I was 17. I can still remember the first few times I drank....I thought I had found something magical. I suffer from anxiety, and the drinks just made that all disappear. Through high school I was a binge drinker on the weekends, with the occasional ectacy, coke, meth, or whatever else I could get my hands onto thrown in. I smoked weed daily. After high school I started drinking everyday. I still didn't think it was a problem because I didn't drink in the mornings and I kept a full time job. Around the age of 21 or 22 I started hiding the amount I drank. I would pick up 12 packs and get in my car and just drink and drive. That way, nobody knew. I've always had roommates, so I have been doing this until the present. It's by the grace of God I have not gotten a DUI, killed myself, or some innocent person. I outdrink all of my friends by far when we are out at the bars, and it is hard to hide. I feel like each time I drink I aim to either black out or pass out. I just want "one more" to get to that "level" of everythink being ok. I'm tired of the wasted money, wasted hangover days, and feeling of a wasted life. I've been lurking around on these threads for about the last 3 months but have been to scared to post. I have been sober the last 6 days, which is the longest for a few years. I want a beer so bad. This is hard.

Safira

Welcome, Alice! Good grief, I know exactly what you're talking about here. I'd always hide some of my drinking when out, because I was ashamed I outdrank my friends...

It's no way to live. You are NOT a bad person. Just like you conquered your fear of posting here, you can beat the beer urges.

Don't do it alone! You can call AA and talk to someone, you know. There are numbers you can find online. It helps a LOT, too.

Astro

Alice, I'm glad you've decided to stop lurking and start posting, there's lots of support and help to be found here.

I never had a DUI or went to jail as a result of my drinking, but I did end up hospitalized a couple times for crazy accidents. I know without a doubt I'm an alcoholic, and I understand that taking a drink will never improve any situation. I can't safely take a drink again.

Alice11

Thank you Safira and Astro! It really does help to know others have gone through what I am going through now. Safira, you are right, it is no way to live. It is so hard when it is how you have lived for the past 10 years! I went to an AA meeting last year and felt intimidated. It wasn't the people's fault in the meeting at all. It was just such a huge step for me! I know I need to start going though. And Astro, I too have had some crazy accidents which I am very ashamed of. I have blacked out so many times while driving, God has to have a purpose for keeping me alive through all of that. That is my motivation.

Fubarcdn

Welcome Alice.
You are not alone.
Most of us got to yjr point where we di not eant the negatives of drinking to dominate our lives any longer.
Ehat I did is made a list of the goods and the bads of not drinking and as long as the goods of abstaining outweigh the bads of drinking I will not drink.
Good luck in your quest.

Astro

I tried to saw my thumb off doing a home-improvement project Alice Obviously God's not keeping me around for handyman work Must be some higher purpose!

Maybe you'll consider trying an AA meeting again someday? I've been in the program for 5 years, wouldn't have made it this far without AA.

rdav74

hey, as someone who had only been "free" of alcohol for a couple weeks, and who had tried once to seriously quit before, I think the answer is to hang in there, grab any support you can find and most importantly ask yourself if you are truly serious in quiting this carnival we call drinking. I once went to an AA meeting and this is what this guy said (and I got it at the time, but until i recently hit rock bottom didn't "really" get it) "I wish I could tell you that I found AA and quite drinking when I had 100k in the bank account, the wife and kids loved me and thought the world of me, had the best job in the world and just got back from vacation in the carribean"
It doesn't work like that, unfortunately--it took me a DWI, loss of marriage, probation, loss of drivers liscense (2 years and counting) loss of business, loss of house. I'm not blaming the alcohol on everything...and thats whats important to realize here--it's the type of thinking that led me to abusing alcohol that "helped" in my multi-fronted demise. That's why I think it is important to not only take the alcohol away (has to be done, no other way around it) and as an old timer counselor told me "get the rocks out of the engine" and try to find out what the deeper problem is. I'm not a strong AA guy, but I can tell you, try it. The people there are not secret members of the Knights Templar, they all do not believe that Jesus saves all. They, just like you, have a problem with drinking and they are there to tell their story, offer an ear and a hand. You will like some, and some you will not. Rest assured others will probably think the same of you
There is no simple answer, no solve for x. I still don't know myself why. but i do know that its one day at a time, and the more distance that I put between me and the time spent in my love affair with the bottle, the better, smarter and more in control I feel.
Congrats for having the strength and courage to get the point of posting... it's a bigger step then you probably realize right now. I'm here for the ride with you..again only 15 days of sobriety. If there is anything that I can do, chat, email, let me know. I need the support too!
Stay in the here and now!
Rob

Alice11

Fubarcdn, you are right.....the negatives of drinking in my life have definately outweighed the positives. I live paycheck to paycheck, and wasting hundreds of dollars a month on alcohol is a definate negative. Plus the health issues I have gone through. The one-night stands. The unproductivity. Hangovers. It's weird that I crave something so much that has such a negative impact on my life.

Alice11

Rdav74, wow, your post helped a lot! That is so true that you need to get to the underlying reason of why you feel the need to drink, or else you probably won't have much luck. I can think of a few inderlying issues for me and I know I have lots to work on! It's almost easier just blaming alcohol on all of my issues, even though most of my issues were there before I ever took a sip. The alcohol just overpowers everything so much I forget about what's really going on. I'm sorry about all of your losses, but I am also happy for you that you are sober. I will definately be here for support. One day at a time.

intention

Hi Alice and welcome,

There's plenty of people here who know what you are going through. Please stay with us.

I really hope that you can get yourself back to another AA meeting. Forget about the last time and just go with an open mind.

You could really do with some support around you......people who you can share your drinking issues with.
Take care.

least

Welcome to SR Alice! I'm glad you found us and joined the family. Lots of support here and lots of understanding, cause all of us are dealing with addiction in some way.

Congrats on six days sober! Do whatever you can do to fight the urge to drink. Waking up sober is great. No more wasted money, time, or lives.

RacerX

Hi Alice,

I'm right there with you - Day 2 for me. I went to my first AA meeting today and found out that the hardest part is just walking in the door. If you really open your mind up, you'll figure out that everyone is in there for the same reason - we might have just traveled different trainwrecks to ge there!

Not sure if this applies or not, but my alcoholic brain keeps trying to throw things at me like, "But everybody drinks!" or my personal favorite, "You expect to go your WHOLE LIFE without drinking?! You'll never make it!"

My therapist has made it very clear to me that this is my alcoholic brain turning a lie into a reality. Things that seem so real to me at the time that just are not the truth. The issue is that we have to be sober long enough for our brains to heal in order to see the real truth.

Hang in there, seek as much face-to-face support as you can, and please know that you are not alone in this journey.

God Bless!

RacerX

Stayinfree

Hi Alice
I'm with ya three!!
Day 2 for me too.
I was terrified when I first went to an AA meeting just about 3 weeks ago.
But before I came home, I got a lovely cuddle from a really lovely woman and it made my night.
Well done xx

NEOMARXIST

Hey Alice. Thanks for posting.

Just for today I will not drink/use.

MsHappy2BSober

I am on Day 6, too.... I also started at 17, although I am a little older than you at 33. I quit here and there, especially during my pregnancy. I, too, am tired of wasted money... the hangovers... the hiding... When it comes to the wasted money, I am taking half of what I spent in a week on booze and putting it in a jar on the counter (I did this last time... it was recommended by my therapist) and saving it for a vacation or something for me. I leave it right where I can see it. The other half is going in my kids college fund. It helps give me a reason to keep going.

But the other posters are right. It IS one day at a time. I post on here every day (at least for the past 6 days) to remind myself I made another day, whether it was good, bad, or in between.

Dee74

Hi Alice.
As you've already seen, you'll find a lot of support here
Congrats on your 6 days, and welcome to SR!

D

Shifty

Hi Alice,

I know exactly what you mean. I've travelled the same road from around the same age, consistently and progressively drinking, punctuated with coke, e's, and speed along the way, but it was the booze that stayed the longest. Drinking the most, blacking out regularly and getting into some terrible situations over the years. All this just to numb my anxious reality. I finally realised at 31 that all these years I've been running to get away from myself. I've only been sober for 21 days but I can tell you that the fog is starting to lift, it's getting easier to not think about drinking.

It's only when you're sober that you start to properly deal with those underlying anxiety issues. It feels good to have stopped running and it feels honest to be facing my fears sober. Armed with the confidence and self belief I'm gaining every day from not drinking, I truly feel like there's a whole new me starting to wake up and it feels great. I wish the same for you Alice.

Stick to it, and welcome to SR

bigbutch1

Alice, I've been sober forabout 6months. it's no easy task for anyone. I've had to deal with thougths of Iraq and others thing,but whats is a computer,cellphone, and a meeting. It makes a world of different to do what your preferance is. I'm new to the site but been around awhile

CarolD

Welcome to both of our new members

Alcie.....
bigbutch1...

Alice11

I'm looking forward for the fog to lift! I feel like I have been in a constant haze for a really long time. I like your idea Mshappy about saving the money I would be using for alcohol. One of the reasons going to AA scares me is that what if I mess up and drink again? I feel like they might think I wasted their time. I know that's probably stupid to think. Racer, I have those thoughts all the time...all my friends drink, why should I stop? Alcohol is EVERYWHERE and so accepted. That is very true though, I have never woken up thinking, man I wish I would have drank last night! That's a good thing to keep in mind.