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My wife is a degrading drunk!

Old 01-18-2010, 07:43 PM
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Talking My wife is a degrading drunk!

15 years of togetherness! My story is very complex! I love my wife but find my self falling out of love with her when dealing with her drunkenness. Over the past couple of years we have struggled to stay together. I have had every reason to part ways with my significant other. I was very young when we got together still in high school. She was the older of us at 20 years old but she had the spirit of a teenager. Drinking comes from her father. She grew up drinking alcohol in our younger years it was very cute for my then very sexy wife to come home to me after clubbing and we would do wild and crazy things. This would occur for sometime. a family later and now I believe I have finally hit adulthood just getting into my thirties. I am finishing my education and looking to the future my wife doesn't care much for that or balancing the check book. Anything involving money is her kryptonite. We have been fighting constantly over value issues. I told her she needs to set better examples for our kids because she would be completely irrational. She has had two major accidents in the past year. I will leave that maddening discussion for another forum. I finally convinced her to go to counseling after threatening to leave her. She told the counselor we were only there because of me and she felt she didn't have a problem. She stopped drinking for a week or two then restarted 2 cans at a time until she got back up to 2 - 4 packs a day maybe more because she doesn't admit to anything I see the cans in the trash when I come home from work. She is home 2 to 3 hours before I get home and my kids (teenagers) tolerate her mess. I am reaching my point of no return. Here is the gem in the matter I have finally gotten us to the point where we can afford a home long time awaited. I really wanted a house long ago but was never ready for various reasons. Now my wife is terrible I know if I buy this house I can be stuck footing the bill because I get the urge to walk away. I really want this for my kids and myself. I have worked this long to get to this point and she wants to destroy herself now. She is on a destructive path. I told her and the counselor when she gets drunk I don't want anything to do with her(that person) so I just go upstairs when I get home from work. She is always trying to have sex with me when she is drunk I get so turned off as soon as I see the glassy look in her eyes. What am I supposed to do. Then she gets upset with me. I used to have the ability to talk to her. Give her good advice when she was drunk and she would listen now she will do the complete opposite. She has gotten to the point of being threatening to herself and others when driving drunk. she has been extremely blessed to not be sitting behind bars right now but the accident has caused me to be blamed for the accidents being everything is in my name. The money, credit, and balance budget for bills is due to me but i am getting tired I want to depend on someone also and know that someone has my back and I don't have to worry about anything. I have lots more but I don't want to bore the readers. This is ongoing!
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Old 01-18-2010, 07:53 PM
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Welcome to SR mfrankl

I think anyone in a relationship with an alcoholic in the end has basically two choices - to go, or to stay.

If you decide to stay, I hope you'll check out some help and support like AlAnon and our family and friends forum.

D
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Old 01-18-2010, 08:15 PM
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All I can say is "confusion".
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Old 01-18-2010, 08:17 PM
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I have finally gotten to the point of giving her an ultimatum. The counselor has her going to see a psychiatrist. She says my wife is clearly depressed but int he meantime I am going out of my mind. All while trying to finish school, manage my family, and buy a house. I want to leave but I retract when I remember how much I really do love her.
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Old 01-18-2010, 08:25 PM
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First you have to realize that nothing's going to change unless your wife is willing to admit to her alcoholism and decide to do something about it. From what I read that's not gonna happen anytime soon. And, unfortunately, there's nothing you can do for her. This is an issue that she alone can address. The rest of the mess you describe is something you do have control over. As Dee just said, you need to decide if you want to be part of this relationship or cut your losses and run. That's something you have to decide. I'd suggest that you post this thread in the Family section. You'll find folks there that are more experienced in what you're going through and can perhaps offer better advice.
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Old 01-18-2010, 08:29 PM
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hi frank and welcome to SR

I hope you'll check out the 'Friends and Family' forum here.
It's a lively group.
At the top of the forum,
you'll see what we (they) call 'stickies'
(I know - I don't know for sure why they're called that either)
that give important and helpful advice for those just coming into recovery.

We come into recovery from a multitude of directions.

Your post reads like you're going to be making some very
important and possibly permanent decisions in your near furture.

Hopefully this will give you a place to start.

The people over there understand and know first hand what you're
feeling and even sometimes what your'e thinking about your situation.

C'mon over!
the Solution is fine!
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:49 PM
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Originally Posted by mfrankl6 View Post
I have finally gotten to the point of giving her an ultimatum. The counselor has her going to see a psychiatrist. She says my wife is clearly depressed but int he meantime I am going out of my mind. All while trying to finish school, manage my family, and buy a house. I want to leave but I retract when I remember how much I really do love her.
Welcome to SR!
I highly recommend you check out our friend's and family forum, as they will be a lot more understanding and more able to help you with dealing with your wife.
As an addict, I got a bit of a knee jerk reaction to the title of your thread since I am a crackhead, and we, of course, know what all crackheads do, right? We never stop. We sell ourselves to get crack. And we steal from everyone.. Don't forget the lying! Oh and how disgusting we must be because we smoked crack.
I won't go into what I did and did not do in order to get crack. That's the past. What I will get into is what I did do to get off of it. I realized I had a problem. I sought out treatment. I did a lot of trial and error to get clean, but found my path to recovery that is working for me. I take it one day at a time. I work on ME for ME. I chase my recovery like I chased that crack. I am 11 months clean, almost a whole year. I ain't counting my chickens yet, but I am excited about going a whole year without that horrible drug!
First, ultimatums NEVER EVER work. If anything, they drive us to continue our addictions even more and we'll lie and hide them even better! Because we haven't realized how bad our problems are.
Second, you cannot blame her alcohol drinking on her father. She took that first drink. Addiction CAN and DOES run in the family, but it's not her father's fault. Many of my family are addicts. I have a recovering heroin addict, an active pill addict, and two that passed away (coke, powder, addict and alcohol addict). I HAD all the warning signs, but thought I was invincible because I did all the same drugs as my family and wasn't addicted to any of those. The crux of the situation is I hadn't found my vice and I found it in crack cocaine. Basically, addiction can come from her family, but it is not their fault. You cannot help DNA.
Thirdly, she's got to realize she has the problem. She's got to see it and want to be clean. If she's out drinking and driving YOUR car, call the POLICE ASAP! This will give her a push in the right direction, trust me. Call the police on her EVERY time. OR take the keys away. DO NOT ALLOW her to drive drunk. If you know she's doing this, you could be held liable anyway, as you have knowledge of her habits. Removing the keys or calling the law is the BEST thing to do. It may not feel like it and you may feel guilty, but do not. She's putting other lives at risk, you're enabling her to do so, and you're jepordizing yourself at the same time.
Lastly, nothing will change until she decides to get clean. Period. Threats and ultimatums MAY work temporarily, until she finds a way to hide her drinking, and what will that do? Counseling is nice, but will not be productive until she realizes her problem and wants to get help.
YOU need to take care of YOU. You cannot fix her or help her until she wants help, and even then, she's gotta want to do this for herself. Get yourself to some meetings or personal therapy. Really, check out the friends and family forum.
You're only options, at this point, is to stay or go. Whichever you choose, please seek out some sort of treatment for yourself. *HUGS*
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Old 01-19-2010, 01:36 AM
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Sounds like she is still behaving like the crazy, wild 20 year old you were with in your teens, she's just got older and circumstances along the way, e.g. having kids will have slowed her down a bit at times...this can't have just come on suddenly, correct me if i am wrong, over 15 years you must have had some warning along the way? Or not? Hindsight is a great thing but clearly you need to do some work on yourself and start detaching, maybe al-anon?
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Old 01-19-2010, 03:35 AM
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WELCOME TO SR!!!
I do hope you visit the friends and family forum, you will get lots of great information and advice.
As a recovering alcoholic (wife and mother) myself, I would say without hesitation that until your wife reaches the point where she is sick and tired of drinking and wants to quit drinking, for herself and no one else, things will not improve. Unfortunately alcoholism is a progressive disease and sadly, things may get a lot worse before they get better, if they get better.

she has been extremely blessed to not be sitting behind bars right now but the accident has caused me to be blamed for the accidents being everything is in my name.
I second everything that CrackQuack said in the previous post. If she is using a car registered to you and insured by you, I would make it clear she cannot drink and drive that car. Period. And you can also tell her you will report her to the police if she drives drunk. Is that an unkind threat? Not at all: you could be saving her life and the lives of innocent people.

Give her good advice when she was drunk and she would listen now she will do the complete opposite.
I would not recommend talking to her about anything important when she is drunk: it's pointless. She is in an altered state and may not even remember what you have to say when she wakes up the next day.
And, I am sorry if this is tough talk, but you are probably in a codependent relationship with her and can't really give her proper advice anymore: you are both caught up in addictive behavior.

Please check out alanon: it is an organization with millions of people who are in the exact same situation as you. You are facing a lot of serious economic and relationship problems and alanon is a great support network that can help you navigate through all of that.
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Old 01-19-2010, 03:50 AM
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Welcome to SR! Please do what you need to do to take proper care of yourself and kids. Your wife cannot fix her problem until she admits there IS a problem. And take away the car keys or call the law on her when she's diving drunk. It might actually be a blessing for your wife to go to jail but it might come at the expense of some other lives. Do'nt let her drive drunk if you can possibly help it.

Take care of YOU and your family.
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:20 AM
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I know I am enabling her. I will check out the Al-Anon site as I will need much help for my situation. When she gets wasted at night she is all clear and wants to talk in the morning. I like the tough love and information you guys are giving it is all good advice which is helping me make some tough decisions. I don't know if I am ready to leave. Part of me wants to but I want my kids to be happy. She is always saying when we move things will change. The keys things I notice when she drinks all desire changes for her like last night she had plans to cook it never happened. Her eyes were glassy last night when I got home at she gave me the I want sex look. I was so turned off I didn't even want to kiss her. You know the "hey honey I am home kiss" I looked around this morning before going to work and she had 3 - 32 oz old english empty in the trash. Very disappointing! When I didn't give her what she wanted she gave me total attitude.
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Old 01-19-2010, 05:28 AM
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She makes me feel guilty when I mention leaving. She says this is what I've wanted all the long I want to leave her because she has gained so much wait. She knows how to throw the guilt trip on me.
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Old 01-19-2010, 06:14 AM
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I would never recommend an ultimatum to anyone but about a year ago my wife gave me the ultimatum and I have been sober since.
I started out doing it to keep my marriage together but now I am thankful that she finally, after many decades got the nerve to do it.
I am very thankful to her for that now but it took a while to get to where I am.
Good luck.
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Old 01-19-2010, 06:26 AM
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Yeah she blames me and gets mad whenever I talk about her affect on the family. She says oh " I am everything negative" You are doing so great getting your degree and working on keeping money in the bank. I told her don't you think its about time we have been doing this forever we should have some idea how to live comfortably. We have good jobs to help us live comfortable.
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:06 AM
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Have you been specific that your primary concern is her drinking?
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Old 01-19-2010, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by littlefish View Post
Have you been specific that your primary concern is her drinking?
Yes I am very specific. We have discussed the matter in counseling.
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Old 01-19-2010, 10:58 AM
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Originally Posted by clifty2 View Post
Hi mfrank. Your wife's story sounds similar to mine. I am curious about the counselling as my husband has suggested that for us and I am resisting it like the plague!! Fear is stopping me and also the embarrasment of talking together to a counsellor. I have had two major bereavements in my life and to be honest I would rather talk about that in counselling than the drink issue!!! I know it's avoidance but also some denial on my part. Do you think your wife was totally honest at the counselling or was she also in denial? I know it's something that I have to address but maybe just not yet. Also did the counselling help or did it bring more resentment to your wife? Would love to know more about what marriage counselling is like before I would agree to embark on that journey. Any help would be appreciated. Many thanks
I believe anything that will possibly bring more light to the subject matter is a plus. Allow yourself to be enlightened! As for my wife I am not sure how genuine she is. I know its a relief for me because I am finding I have lots to say in these meetings. Things she won't even think about discussing when we are home. Look at it as a mediator or open third party that can listen to both persons issues. Going to counseling has gotten her to accept something is wrong and now per the counselors recommendation she has an appointment to see a psychiatrist tomorrow. She mentioned depression was the root of this evil. I am curious to what the psychiatrist will tell my wife.
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Old 01-19-2010, 11:31 AM
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Originally Posted by clifty2 View Post
Thanks mfrank. I can sense that you are angry as indeed is my husband (not at the minute) but I feel the unresolved issues will rear their ugly heads again. Did you suggest this site to your wife? I know it has helped me greatly to gain an insight into the suffering of others!! And I believe you have a right to be angry. Maybe you could send me a message to let me know how things are going. I have 3 children and am married 13 yrs and live Ireland. All the best to you mfrank. It's not easy for all concerned!!!
Yes! I am very angry with her. No! I have not suggested the site to her I was fortunate enough to find it last night when I had to deal with her and needed someone to talk to. I also have 3 children together 15 years married 13 years. Sure! we can keep up I would like that.

Thank you clifty2!
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Old 01-19-2010, 02:02 PM
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Any consolation mfrankl6, my wife also is a raging alcoholic, we have though a lovely
3 yr old daughter that needs lookin after, if it was,nt for this fact i would be gone
dont get me wrong, we are both actually partners in crime so to speak, but im tryin
hard to break free from this way of ill being, as i see its not the way forward and far
from a good example to a growing infant!! my father was an alcoholic, but my mother
was not!! were both her parents were! and her mother died in her early 40s, so you
could say the alternative to healthy living dye was cast! as is the case with most here!
so good luck to all that do the hard work to change and better there lives
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Old 01-19-2010, 02:19 PM
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OK...you love her....that's good.

But I think perhaps the more important question you need to be asking yourself is how much do you love yourself (and maybe your kids) and what's going on with you that you allow someone -- anyone, regardless of how much you light love that person -- to treat you (and your kids) this way.

...and, BTW, Al Anon will help you whether you ultimately decide to stay or to go.

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