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My wife is a degrading drunk!

Old 01-21-2010, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by intention View Post
Just to add, I wouldn't be suprised if she lied. That's what us alcoholics do about our drinking - even to ourselves.
I wouldn't be surprised either. I would hope the marriage counselor mentioned it because that was a large portion of our problems. The marriage counselor recommended the psychiatrist. I was in school so my wife had to go the marriage counselor alone this one time after her session with the psychiatrist. you better believe next week it will be the first thing I mention in our next session. Not getting that bipolar diagnosis unless she lied. The alcohol is her first issue. I can deal when she is sober. Confusion sets in on the diagnosis!
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Old 01-21-2010, 05:56 PM
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I really hope you can focus on yourself and getting support for you. I think you need to remember that your wife needs to want to get better and you can't make her do it. I know that firsthand, because my husband tried to make me stop drinking and it didn't work.

The alcohol may or may not be her first issue. Many of us here had undiagnosed and/or untreated mental illness which led to self-medication with alcohol. It is certainly possible that the bipolar issue caused the alcoholism.
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Old 01-21-2010, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I really hope you can focus on yourself and getting support for you. I think you need to remember that your wife needs to want to get better and you can't make her do it. I know that firsthand, because my husband tried to make me stop drinking and it didn't work.

The alcohol may or may not be her first issue. Many of us here had undiagnosed and/or untreated mental illness which led to self-medication with alcohol. It is certainly possible that the bipolar issue caused the alcoholism.
That is a good point! She has always been a drinker just her level of drinking increased over the last couple of years. She can never truly exercise without drinking therefore she won't aggressively loose weight even if she wanted to. i know she was really used to getting attention because she is a pretty girl but now she is a apretty girl in her mind. She feels she gets ignored a lot now. she is one of those people that like to be the center of attention.
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Old 01-21-2010, 06:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
I really hope you can focus on yourself and getting support for you. I think you need to remember that your wife needs to want to get better and you can't make her do it. I know that firsthand, because my husband tried to make me stop drinking and it didn't work.

The alcohol may or may not be her first issue. Many of us here had undiagnosed and/or untreated mental illness which led to self-medication with alcohol. It is certainly possible that the bipolar issue caused the alcoholism.
So you do understand how difficult it can be to let go. When she isn't drinking or we spend the day passing phone calls everything is fine. Once we get home no longer want to be around her. You don't want to change things you are used to. We are in the final stage of home purchase how can I just walk away? I want to be strong. I just continue to fail.
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Old 01-21-2010, 08:04 PM
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Originally Posted by mfrankl6 View Post
She can never truly exercise without drinking therefore she won't aggressively loose weight even if she wanted to. i know she was really used to getting attention because she is a pretty girl but now she is a apretty girl in her mind. She feels she gets ignored a lot now.
MAN! Can I relate to this! The more I drank the more weight I gained. The more weight I gained the more depressed I got, the more I hated myself and the more I drank. I've tried really hard for three years now to lose the extra 15 pounds I gained from drinking, yet had no luck because I wasn't ready to quit the booze. I even made a spreadsheet and backed out all my drinking calories to see what was left over that I could eat and stay under 1200 calories a day. Obviously that didn't work because I was DRINKING 1200 calories a day.

Anyway, today is my one month anniversary and I can tell you that the weight is just melting away now. I have more energy, am eating better and exercising more, and just generally happy with myself physically. Yes, I could still probably lose another 5-10 pounds but I love the way I look and feel.

If she's anything like me, the weight she's gained is probably making her feel worse. Sobriety and healthy living is the key, and will probably do wonders for her. But again, the desire to make a change had to come from deep inside me. No one else could have done it for me.
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Old 01-21-2010, 08:07 PM
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For me I seem to be finally accepting that change is what I have to do. I have resisted change but really it's about growing and not being stagnant. If things never change as they say then nothing ever changes. Is this what you want for nothing to ever change? I know in my active addiction I would have grown or changed at a much faster rate for the better if my family had set boundaries and not enabled me so much. It finally has all worked out but I had to accept the fact that I could not continue with the status that my life was -- things had to change. I like anyone like my comfort zone but not all of those zones are healthy or good for me. Hope you find the courage to make changes.
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Old 01-22-2010, 04:56 AM
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Originally Posted by mfrankl6 View Post
So you do understand how difficult it can be to let go. When she isn't drinking or we spend the day passing phone calls everything is fine. Once we get home no longer want to be around her. You don't want to change things you are used to. We are in the final stage of home purchase how can I just walk away? I want to be strong. I just continue to fail.

Hi mfrank,

I think we can all understand how difficult it is for you to let go but when you spend the day with sober phone calls back and forth it is just fantasy land.

You are caught up in a lie that is your relationship. You are believing in something that doesn't exist. She can be sober for short periods of time but that is not who she is. She is a drunk and whether or not that is caused by mental illness, it is irrelevant.

The reality of your marriage is that she puts alcohol before you and the kids, she is a mess, she is no longer attractive to you, she turns you off when she only makes drunken sexual advances to you, you are not intimate, the kids suffer, you are miserable and you have put your life on hold while you try to sort her out with patience/counselling/pyschiatry etc.

For your own sake and your children's you need to seperate the reality of your marriage with the fantasy of how you would like it to be or how it is in those fleeting sober moments down the end of a phone.

You need to look after yourself and your family. She has help in the form of a counsellor/pyschiatrist and it is down to her to use that help to get better, if she wants it. You could also mention AA to her, but I would guess she probably knows that that help is available.

I hope you find the courage to really help yourself. Al-anon can really get you to do that if you are unable to do it on your own. Going back to your first point about the new house, my advice would definitely do not take on a new financial committment in the midst of this madness. It will not fix anything!

In fact, looking after yourself and not enabling her anymore to carry on like this may very well save her life. At least you will be a happier person and find the answers to your indecisions in life.

It is time you took your life off the pause button. Get help for you.

Take care.
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Old 01-22-2010, 05:58 AM
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Good luck mfrankl6, i can relate so much to the tangled web your in, hope you find the
way out.
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Old 01-22-2010, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by dasha View Post
Good luck mfrankl6, i can relate so much to the tangled web your in, hope you find the
way out.
I hope I find the way out also. She can't drink and take her Abilify
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Old 01-22-2010, 09:07 AM
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Hi Frank,

Sorry that you and your kids are having to deal in all of this mess and hoping that you will find help for yourself and kids. Your wife will have to find her own if and when she decides she is done.

"She can't drink and take Abilify" No one is supposed to, but yes she can and probably will. The combination of alcohol and meds will, at the very least increase the effect and some people don't mind that sensation at all. Just hoping that you are not putting any hope in to the fact that her new meds. prescription will serve as a deterent. In all likely hood, she will stop taking the meds. in favor of the alcohol if they pose a problem. Sorry Frank, but this is the reality of the situation.

I don't know the details obviously, but with respect to getting a diagnosis of Bi Polar, I have never heard of that happening on the first visit to a Dr. Usually there is rigorous testing and discussions with family members before a diagnosis can be offered.

I wish you well Frank and hope things resolve quickly for you and your kids.
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Old 01-22-2010, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by mfrankl6 View Post
Funny you would say that. I asked her and she says she was. That may have been the reason for determining bipolarism. Could be incorrect if she didn't mention the drinking.
Hi mfrank,

I read your story and I'm rooting for ya!

...and yes, alcoholism can mimic the highs and lows of bi-polar disorder. Another reason to be concerned about her drinking because she has to be sober so the doctor can make the correct diagnosis or she may end up on medications she doesn't need or can cause more harm then good.

I'm not a doctor nor am I giving medical advice - just speaking from experience from being put an SSRI (anti-depressant) that I shouldn't have been on because I wasn't honest with my doctor about my drinking. The SSRI caused much more harm than good because my brain chemistry didn't need it.

Take care.
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Old 01-22-2010, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by gerryP View Post
Hi Frank,

Sorry that you and your kids are having to deal in all of this mess and hoping that you will find help for yourself and kids. Your wife will have to find her own if and when she decides she is done.

"She can't drink and take Abilify" No one is supposed to, but yes she can and probably will. The combination of alcohol and meds will, at the very least increase the effect and some people don't mind that sensation at all. Just hoping that you are not putting any hope in to the fact that her new meds. prescription will serve as a deterent. In all likely hood, she will stop taking the meds. in favor of the alcohol if they pose a problem. Sorry Frank, but this is the reality of the situation.

I don't know the details obviously, but with respect to getting a diagnosis of Bi Polar, I have never heard of that happening on the first visit to a Dr. Usually there is rigorous testing and discussions with family members before a diagnosis can be offered.

I wish you well Frank and hope things resolve quickly for you and your kids.
I agree! I am just over it trying to rationalize leaving now. It sucks but she shows no signs of changing or even wanting to change. I am trying to find the strength Lord!
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Old 01-22-2010, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Untoxicated View Post
Hi mfrank,

I read your story and I'm rooting for ya!

...and yes, alcoholism can mimic the highs and lows of bi-polar disorder. Another reason to be concerned about her drinking because she has to be sober so the doctor can make the correct diagnosis or she may end up on medications she doesn't need or can cause more harm then good.

I'm not a doctor nor am I giving medical advice - just speaking from experience from being put an SSRI (anti-depressant) that I shouldn't have been on because I wasn't honest with my doctor about my drinking. The SSRI caused much more harm than good because my brain chemistry didn't need it.

Take care.
Na its all good Untoxicated that was the comment I made to her. I just don't feel it I care but you can tell she doesn't care. I want out! I work too hard and I want my kids to experience as much good as I can give them not disaster and disorder.
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Old 01-22-2010, 10:25 AM
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If losing you and the kids isn't enough to give her a wake up call, then I don't know what would be. :-(
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Old 01-22-2010, 12:09 PM
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As I go through the day the more upset I get.
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Old 01-22-2010, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by mfrankl6 View Post
As I go through the day the more upset I get.
Originally Posted by AA BB, 1st Ed.
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us. In that state, the wrong-doing of others, fancied or real, had power to actually kill. How could we escape? We saw that these resentments must be mastered, but how? We could not wish them away...
It sounds to me like you're being dominated, mfrankl. It's interesting that the quote is addressing the alcoholic, but the exact same solution works for the spouses of alcoholics as well.

It's also interesting that this section in the book comes up in taking a fearless inventory of ourselves. As long as I'm looking outside myself as the source of my dis-satisfaction, I continue to be dominated by those other people. It's only when I take that inventory of myself, that I get some freedom from that.

Paradoxical, but works like a charm.
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